My Brain is Fried from Overthinking

[DonutStalker]

So, when I was a kid we would play this game on the way to school. You had to walk on the top of the wooden fence around the horseshoe pit on the way to school and not fall into the bushes. I never fell into the bushes and that fence was only an inch wide.

 

Now here I am, in my fifties and I feel like I might as well just fall into the f in bushes and just stay there. I ended my first marriage of 23 yrs., no problem actually. My second husband died unexpectedly at 39,love of my life. I was really messed up for quite a while. I decided one day to join some online forums related to my profession just to have an outlet with people I had something in common with.

 

That is where I met him, online. We hadn't noticed each other for two years on the forum. But idk, it was like electricity from the get go when we finally'saw' each other. We progressed from online banter to pm-ing, to racy pm-ing to phone calls.it happened quickly, we just fit. On our first phone call, he admitted to being married so we agreed from there that it could end whenever either one said.I let him know that I would never be angry with him for telling me the truth. It really became the cornerstone of our relationship.

 

He and I helped each other a lot in our messed up lives. Both of us leaned on each other for support and encouragement, along with the sexy talk. No matter what he told me, I never judged and always gave him my honest thoughts. I guess we talked online a few hours a week and also eventually had a burner phone that we talked to each other on about 5-8 hrs. a week.

 

He has some addiction issues and I know from previous experience that there was no saving him. But I was a safe place for him to go, to say things he couldn't tell his wife. I'm not saying any of this is how it should happen, but this is the truth.

 

I noticed around the end of January a shift in his mood when we talked. I gently tried to prod it out of him. Basically he was sinking further into his depression. Mid February, he wanted me to date other guys, which we had already talked about. End of February, he writes me the break up letter. We reconcile the very next day, but I know he is terrified of losing the one person he can spill his guts to, thus the reconciliation. I love this guy, but I know he will stay with her because of the children and some other stuff.

 

Then we started talking everyday, at least an hour and a half each time. Something is really off, but he just keeps saying- let's just talk about good stuff. Then one night he was really wasted and tells me he is going deeper into his depression. Then he starts laughing." What's so funny?",I say. He replies that he's depressed because he hasn't succeeded in killing himself yet! Two or three days later, his wife finds out about us.

 

She sent me some e- mails which I did not reply to. I pm-ed him to call me when he could. He called me two days later in defiance of his wife, he actually tried to negotiate with her to allow our friendship to continue. He said he agreed to give her 30 days sober so they could decide if they wanted to divorce or not. I guess what he didn't make clear to me in that call was that it would be our last. We even came up with a code word for when he would contact me (making sure it wasn't his wife). He told me everything had been compromised, computer, phone, etc.

 

So here I am, over 7 weeks out and there was minor contact. I know she is monitoring his every move. I try to tell myself that he is thinking as much about me as I am about him. Given their history, of which I know it granted from just his side, I doubt that he is getting the help he needs. He has a history of addiction, and he went into detail of how they handled it in prior times. No counseling,no medical attention, keeping it a secret from family.They have split up before,twice.

 

In some ways, I am glad the sh t hit the fan, because now she knows about this alcohol problem he has. I wish I knew if he was really getting help. I know it's none of my business. I know I should just be like, okay, move on.

 

It's too hard. I know it sounds like typical other woman bs, but, he is it for me. He gets me, I get him. I never thought I would connect with someone after my second husbands death. I would marry him in a heartbeat, I don't care what his issues are.This not knowing has put me right back where I was when hubby2 died. I wake up crying. I leave the tv on all night to drown out the voices in my head. I am self employed and unfortunately have no work right now. I know he is on another forum and check his status constantly looking for any clue as to how he is. I check his horoscope. I know someday he will out of the blue contact me IF they break up. In some ways it was easier when hubby2 died, I didn't have the hope in the back of my head that he would return.

 

Anyway, sorry this was too long. I'm not really looking for advice, I hate sentimental remember the good times crap. I'm in my fifties, I've lived a lot, stories you wouldn't believe. I'll get over it someday,somehow. But I will never forget him. I hope he doesn't forget me either.

Edited May 27, 2014 by DonutStalker
Sp.

[FredJones80]

he admitted to being married

 

Stopped reading at this junction.

 

Didn't think of ending it as soon as you found out?

[Zahara]

he is it for me. He gets me, I get him. I never thought I would connect with someone after my second husbands death. I would marry him in a heartbeat, I don't care what his issues are.

 

Did you ever meet in person -- sex, going out, etc.? Or was this just a behind the phone/computer screen affair?

[DonutStalker]

Stopped reading at this junction.

 

Didn't think of ending it as soon as you found out?

 

Nope.

 

 

Did you ever meet in person -- sex, going out, etc.? Or was this just a behind the phone/computer screen affair?

 

I had a ticket for that week,didn't get to happen. But it was only to meet and talk,to see if the sparks were real.

[Zahara]

I had a ticket for that week,didn't get to happen. But it was only to meet and talk,to see if the sparks were real.

 

"but, he is it for me. He gets me, I get him. I never thought I would connect with someone after my second husbands death. I would marry him in a heartbeat, I don't care what his issues are"

 

I'm not undermining your feelings but question if you've attached yourself based on an image you created in your head. Connecting over technology is very different than connecting in person. And you're probably deeply attached to the drama, highs and lows, sexy talk -- that we sometimes misconstrue as passionate, deep love, etc. Creates an even stronger attachment when you want what you cannot have. To say you would marry him in a heartbeat without ever having met him is somewhat unrealistic.

 

You don't care what his issues are? The thing is you dealt with his issues over the phone. His wife deals with it on a day to day basis so you really have no real insight into what he's really like on a day to day basis other than him presenting himself to you on the phone for that few hours a day. His moods, his quirks, his annoying habits, his tantrums, his depressive episodes, etc. Again, not realistic or rational thinking on your part to make that statement.

 

Maybe take some time away from this and try to go out there and date. If you believe you had a connection with this man after your past two relationships, then who's to say you won't find that again, but this time with someone that is present and emotionally healthy and available to you.

[DonutStalker]

I appreciate your comment,I get where you are coming from.

 

I'm not into drama,long story short, been there more than you would believe in events beyond my control,so yeah, not a drama seeker.

 

I had written a reply and got distracted, so it disappeared, so in re- writing- here goes...

 

I can see why you could say I am being unrealistic and idealistic, but I obviously couldn't write everything about these circumstances. I knew from the get go that he would not be leaving his children. Our relationship was hugely based on mutual respect,support and being each other's safe place to go. Right or wrong, it was what it was. My rose colored glasses came off very early on and I'm not naive enough to think his issues would disappear if we were together. I'm sorry we didn't get to meet, it would have answered many questions on both ends. Mute point now. He is trying to reconcile and straighten up. Or maybe he's not. He was suicidal and dealing with a major turn of events back then. His coping skills are nil. She is unsupportive and controlling. Typical OW thought, oh well.

 

I've already gotten the talks from my friends about finding someone available for a healthy relationship.When you are over fifty, that doesn't happen very easily. I am more of a fate type of gal. I've got three guys knocking on my door lately, all of whom I've known for a while. Dateable? Yeah, I guess. Nice guys, but not my cup of tea. I've been out with them in my past, no interest in them. This guy was different. Typical idealistic response, but true. He is the real deal, he just has problems.

 

My anxiety I think is coming from not knowing if he is getting the professional help he needs. Just to clarify, I didn't mean I would marry him without meeting him, and I think he might have had a say so in that,lol. I mean his issues would not scare me off from marrying him. Life is too short to let something pass by when you know it's right. Also a mute point now since he is trying to reconcile. I hope he finds what he needs in their relationship to find peace and happiness within himself.

 

For me, I have to figure out how to deal with my anxiety,insomnia,no appetite,depression. I'll figure it out.

[Zahara]

If there's one thing I've learned from having seen friends involved with married men, the consistent is always being the wife is the bad one. Frankly, there's three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I wouldn't be so quick to cast the wife in a bad light by his words when you're dealing with someone that has the ability to cheat/lie. There's nothing redeeming about that.

 

Whether he finds help is only up to him. No one can make or force that decision on him. He is his wife's responsibility and you now have to work on your own path. Good luck to you. I hope you find your peace.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Zahara

[DonutStalker]

If there's one thing I've learned from having seen friends involved with married men, the consistent is always being the wife is the bad one. Frankly, there's three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I wouldn't be so quick to cast the wife in a bad light by his words when you're dealing with someone that has the ability to cheat/lie. There's nothing redeeming about that.

 

Whether he finds help is only up to him. No one can make or force that decision on him. He is his wife's responsibility and you now have to work on your own path. Good luck to you. I hope you find your peace.

 

He never said those words, I did. And more often than not in our conversations, I was on her side. He always blamed himself for everything. Yes, it's up to him to get help,you're right,doesn't make my concern for him any less. As I said for myself,I'll figure it out,been through it before. It is very difficult to think your best friend might kill himself,just sayin. Thanks again for your insight.

 

Just want to add-- he is his own responsibility, not his wife's.

Edited May 28, 2014 by DonutStalker

[DonutStalker]

If there's one thing I've learned from having seen friends involved with married men, the consistent is always being the wife is the bad one. Frankly, there's three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I wouldn't be so quick to cast the wife in a bad light by his words when you're dealing with someone that has the ability to cheat/lie. There's nothing redeeming about that.

 

Whether he finds help is only up to him. No one can make or force that decision on him. He is his wife's responsibility and you now have to work on your own path. Good luck to you. I hope you find your peace.

 

I wish I could delete everything I wrote here yesterday. It was a mistake. And I thought about this statement of yours in bold quite a bit. I gave no time parameters on this relationship, how do you know how quickly I assessed the situation?,that I was so quick to blame her. What?And we ALL have the ability to cheat/lie. I would venture to say that you may have even done so yourself once or twice in your life. And you did undermine my feelings, regardless of how you couched it. I'm not a teenager in her first break-up. Don't tell me maybe I am mistaking drama and excitement for real passionate love. You don't know crap about me. I say I am depressed, anxiety ridden and can't sleep and you tell me to start dating. Thanks.

 

I talked to a friend last night that told me I did seem to look past his faults. When I reversed that and pointed out the things she overlooks in her husband's behavior,things she has complained to me about, that didn't go over so well. My point being that only you can decide what you are willing to put up with when you feel that way for someone.

[Zahara]

And we ALL have the ability to cheat/lie. I would venture to say that you may have even done so yourself once or twice in your life. And you did undermine my feelings, regardless of how you couched it. I'm not a teenager in her first break-up. Don't tell me maybe I am mistaking drama and excitement for real passionate love. You don't know crap about me. I say I am depressed, anxiety ridden and can't sleep and you tell me to start dating. Thanks.

 

"He was suicidal and dealing with a major turn of events back then. His coping skills are nil. She is unsupportive and controlling. Typical OW thought, oh well."

 

Regardless of time parameters or how quickly you assessed the situation, you passed judgment on her. You never even met him, but you cast that light on her -- someone you don't even know, regardless of whether it stemmed from your own perceptions or whether he's mentioned it to you.

 

Yes, well all have the ability to cheat and lie but what sets people apart is whether they have the moral standing and boundaries to know what's right and wrong. We all can kill and steal, but does that mean we should do it. No. And I have not cheated on my partners but have been cheated on by an ex.

 

I seem to have touched a nerve. You came here to vent on a forum where posters provide their perspective and if you felt that my first post seemed to undermine your feelings, I apologize if it offended you. It was my perception of your situation. This is what the forum is for. When I said it would be best that you take some time away from this all and try to go out and there and date, it was a suggestion to help you try to venture out, engage with people, open new doors -- find someone that can truly give you what you want. It was never to trivialize your situation.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you heal from this and work through the issues that you're struggling with. Take care.

 

To Add:

 

Just want to add-- he is his own responsibility, not his wife's.

 

 

Their marriage is a partnership. Just as you feel responsible for his wellbeing, as his wife, I am sure she feels responsible as well.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Zahara

[Itspointless]

My anxiety I think is coming from not knowing if he is getting the professional help he needs.

Something to think about: it wasn't the drama that attached you, but he did made you feel needed. You wrote that you found each-other in: 'respect,support and being each other's safe place to go.' When reading your posts it sounds a little as if you were his social worker or therapist. I do not say that you are naive, but it wouldn't surprise me if you do the same as I sometimes do, replace care with caring for. The feeling of being needed can be wonderful.

[jphcbpa]

You are "in love" with an alcoholic, married man whom you have never met in person. You might want to take a long hard look at this with a therapist ASAP.