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Has anyone ever successfully moved on from a commitmentphobe/avoidant man?

Rachelmcandrew

By Rachelmcandrew
in Coping

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Rachelmcandrew Member

Rachelmcandrew

Posted
Posted

This post isn't to ignite a debate about whether commitmentphobia exists. I, and a bunch of others, know that we've dated people with serious emotional problems. I just wanted to know if anyone on here has had a terrible breakup with someone who repeatedly hurt/abandoned them and has then gone on to have a relationship with a 'secure' type that has lasted longer and been fulfilling and great?

 

I really need some hope here. It's been over a year since my breakup and I still feel like my heart is closed up. I can't trust anymore, even though I don't want him back. It's like I'd just prefer to stay on my own so I don't get hurt again.

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WiselyNaive Established Member

WiselyNaive

Posted
Posted

I always ended up finding the same types of relationships...so I've gotten my heart to open up again but to the same types of men.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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I was with an EX for 12 years. I stayed so long becaue I bought into the crap about soul mates & knowing the One when you meet him. I literally felt like I got hit with lightning when I met him. What a crock.

 

After I finally figured out this relationship was going no where, I got the courage to leave.

 

5 years later I met the man who is now my husband.

  • Like 1
me85 Established Member

me85

Posted
Posted

I can 100% relate!

 

No advice LOL

 

I just had to post that I too, have experienced something difficult like this as well. :(

  • Like 1
STM206 Established Member

STM206

Posted
Posted

Look at it like this.

 

If he has a history of leaving people including you, he will continue to leave others in the near future. It's simply a flaw in how he views love. You'll come across someone who actually wants to work through things with you, not without you.

  • Like 3
Itspointless Established Member

Itspointless

Posted
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Perhaps more people can relate to the question if you leave the word 'man' out of the title. Can't help you yet though. I was in a way - I guess - saved at an early stage when she cut me out of her life when she got ill again. That did touch some really painful memories with me though. She definitely was avoidant, did not notice it at first. Now in hindsight I see red flags I interpreted otherwise.

Raena Established Member

Raena

Posted
Posted

I wish I could say yes but that hasn't happened for me yet. It's very difficult to trust again after being hurt but like you, I too hope that one day I'll meet someone who is the right fit for me.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

my ex had huge problems with commitment.....as far as marriage goes......we were engaged for many years....he left me along with our family for someone else......at the two year mark she apparently asked about engagement he handed her a skull ring.....symbolism at its finest....

 

 

at the seven year mark this year actually, his affair partner noted in front of his family, that they were on their seven year anniversary of being together....my girls said nothing......as did he......when a guy has trouble committing it isnt you......it is his to own......for whatever reason.......you cant take it with you his lack of commitment.....its an empty suitcase.......he needs that suitcase to hold his lack of commitment in his next relationship........

 

 

i am glad he my ex is committed to the welfare of my daughters and also he does care for me....he cant commit......

 

i do know this.......

if you can commit....then you can also have a guy who commits to you, with the right guy....with the right luggage......that time will be .....when that right guy.....is on the same flight........don't worry about the lay overs....the destination is far more important....than a delayed flight.....good luck.....best wishes on your mystery flight....look forward to flying with guywhodoesnthavecommitmentissues airlines.......ok that was cheesy...so givin myself a cheese red alert...flying high reject line above the clouds and all my ellipses.......smilin atcha.........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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Absinthe Established Member

Absinthe

Posted
Posted
I was with an EX for 12 years. I stayed so long becaue I bought into the crap about soul mates & knowing the One when you meet him. I literally felt like I got hit with lightning when I met him. What a crock.

 

After I finally figured out this relationship was going no where, I got the courage to leave.

 

5 years later I met the man who is now my husband.

 

Thank you, this gives me a lot of faith. I also have a commitphobic, flip-flopping ex who has darted in and out of my life, thereby keeping me in limbo for almost a decade. And I keep thinking it's twue wuv each and every time. Trying to let go feels like I'm burning the Soulmate Bridge with my own selfish attitude. I've now been NC for one month, I'm hoping I can actually go an entire year this time.

  • Like 3
learning_slowly Established Member

learning_slowly

Posted
Posted

I was a commitment phobe. My ex moved on and appears to be happy, so you can too.

 

There maybe reasons why he's like that. I come from a divorced family and one of the things my dad told me was not to get married.

 

I think the thing that would have changed me would have been to give an ultimatum and stick to it.

 

At least that way you won't be messed around any longer!

 

Good luck

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Rachelmcandrew Member

Rachelmcandrew

Posted
  • Author
Posted

learning_slowly, you *were* a CP? did the ultimatum fix you?

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

Posted
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Recovering from a CP female. Of course, what does that say about me? I am somewhat avoidant was well....just got out avoidanted.

 

A book that has helped me see the light is "He's Scared, She's Scared" along with lots of therapy.

  • Like 1
mercuryshadow Established Member

mercuryshadow

Posted
Posted
This post isn't to ignite a debate about whether commitmentphobia exists. I, and a bunch of others, know that we've dated people with serious emotional problems. I just wanted to know if anyone on here has had a terrible breakup with someone who repeatedly hurt/abandoned them and has then gone on to have a relationship with a 'secure' type that has lasted longer and been fulfilling and great?

 

I really need some hope here. It's been over a year since my breakup and I still feel like my heart is closed up. I can't trust anymore, even though I don't want him back. It's like I'd just prefer to stay on my own so I don't get hurt again.

 

 

 

Rachel...

I was with a guy for 5 years, on and off. He had an ABUNDANCE of issues...either abandoning me, cheating on me, or hiding something big became an established pattern. I thought I loved him, so I always stuck around. However, I think what it was that made me stick around was to prove something to myself (maybe you can relate)? It was all tied to my feeling of self worth (or lack, thereof)! The end was awful, but at the same time, a huge relief. I was no longer plagued with constant anxiety. The sadness actually passed very quickly, too, because I realized I was not actually losing anything that was healthy, happy or positive. My mind changed for the better once I let it.

 

 

After about two months (kinda soon, I realize, but hey...) I met the guy I am now married to. :) I knew right away he was the right guy for me, probably because I'd gained so much wisdom from wasting so much time on guys who were not right for me.

 

 

You'll be okay. ;)

  • Like 1
learning_slowly Established Member

learning_slowly

Posted
Posted
learning_slowly, you *were* a CP? did the ultimatum fix you?

 

Well there were ultimatums before, but I never believed them. And I was right not to believe them, as she never followed through.

 

When there was an ultimatum which I knew was true, she had already moved on, but it was disguised as an ultimatum. So although I was ready, she was no longer ready for me.

 

I don't think the ultimatum fixed me, but it woke me up so that I see what is important in life and so when the opportunity presents itself again, I am sure I will act differently.

 

In fairness, I look back and there were alot of problems and so I had good reason to worry about committing.

 

That does not mean everybody will act like me and I think it takes drastic changes in life to change people. The person in your life may not care enough, but then at least you can move on?

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