seriously in need of help, relationship on the line...

[Mattu]

for the past year and 3 months, i've been in a relationship with the most amazing women i've ever met in my life. approximatly two weeks ago, i told her about something i had kept from her. i told her i looked at porn and this by the way was the second time i had told her i would stop and failed. this time however, i was willing to do whatever it took to stop and was serious.

 

now, assuming i mean it this time, and that i am truly sincere, because i am (who would want to lose the perfect women?) this is what happened. she seriously thought over our relaitonship, first calling it off, but tkaing it back and we decided she should have time to think it over. day after day i apologized from the bottom of my heart and told her whatever she needed to know to help her understand. i explained to her how the pornographic material held no emotional bond whatever, and it was just a way to fill me with appealing thoughts of sex, to which i would then think of her.

 

both of us are still virgins and very close to God, so to put it simply, i was very serious about not doing this again, and had promised i would not.

 

two days ago, after i had spent every waking moment apologzing, comforting, and explaining to her, we decided we should just not talk, to give her time to think, until she has a decision. well, earlier tonight something made us talk, and she claimed she was going to give me another chance.

 

i told her (to keep with my promise of not lying to her again) that the first day and then the enxt morning after we stopped talking, i looked at pornogrpahy, but not to get off from it. instead i looked at it, and the entire time thought how angry i was for doing it and losing her because of that. while looking at it, thoughts of sexual activity (obviously porn is all about sex) filled my head, and i thought about the love of my life in my head while touching myself. now, i was proud that i was able to put closure to it like this, and think about her instead of the pornography. she although, took this as lying to her again, when i broke the promise to never look at it. i admittedly accepted fault for what i did, and apologized, reaosning with her that i didn't think of it like that. i tried to explain to her that the truth i told her about me looking at it in the first place in my mind outweighed the other lie, and that she shouldn't get too upset about it. she took this, sadly, as reason to finally break us off.

 

after our long conversation of me once again trying to explain myself over and over, she insisted i wa snot trying to understand her outlook on it, but when i asked what that was, she just repeated what she was saying, which was that i lied and it is wrong. in my mind i alreayd addressed this issue, and didn't get why it was being brought up again. either way, after explaining myself over and over with her not trying to understand my reasonings, and just being called a liar, i got very frustrated, regrettably, and hung up the phone loudly. my mother asked what was the problem, and i epxlained it all to her (having talked about the entire issue before) and she said that over the past two weeks i have done all i can, and that epxlaining myself over and over shouldn't matter if she cared enough. but i feel bad for my love because of what i did, yet i think that if she really cared about me, she'd see all the effort i'm putting into fixing us already, and try to work things out with me.

 

what should i do? i don't want to lose her

[krbshappy71]

Just curious. Is this on the computer? (the porn) or magazines, or what? The problem is, you can't give it up for HER, you'd have to do it for yourself or you'll fail again and again at giving it up. So, if you want to give it up for yourself, and your beliefs in God, etc. then go for it, on your own, without the intent to win her back. If not, and you are doing it for her, I just see years of fighting, both within yourself over your temptations for porn, or fighting with her because you have looked at it again and she found out. My guy and I have an agreement, I leave his mags alone if he keeps them out of public view. If I find them laying out, I usually end up throwing a tantrum, throwing out the mags, and we begin again. If they are kept put away, I leave them. As far as his computer goes, I don't snoop to find what I don't care to find. Do I know if he uses the computer for it? Nope. Don't care, its not in my face. (now, if he had a desktop pict or screen saver the children could see, then yah I'd probably have issues w/the computer too) I adhere to the same rules. Perhaps talk to her about what it is about porn she finds so revolting. Has she never seen a naked pict of a man and been aroused? Perhaps its time she did, HAAa! Only kidding, hang in there and do try to communicate with her if she'll be willing to discuss this. Best of luck

[Mattu]

I hate it and I definatly don't want to do it again. Mainly because I know that I can please myself easily without it. There is no excuse for looking at it, and the only reaosn why is becaus eof lack of imagination, which I know I have plenty of. Therefore, it's something I've wanted to stop for a long time, but in the past have struggled with. Just the fact alone that I feel better when I say I won't ever do it proves to me I don't need it nor want to look at it.

 

As for your situation, if it works for you, then that's good. But that's definatly not something I'd ever consider, seeing as being open and honest about all I do and such is important to me. Also, not to brag, but my girlfriend looks one thousand times better than any slutty porn star could ever hope to be So I guess that makes dropping the bad habit, and it is just that, a lot easier for me.

[krbshappy71]

But that's definatly not something I'd ever consider, seeing as being open and honest about all I do and such is important to me.

 

Not sure if you took my comment that he stashes the porn as NOT being open and honest, or what....but he doesn't have to HIDE it from me, he has to keep it out of plain sight because I have children. I do know and accept that he enjoys it and wants to own it, my tantrums are over it being left in sight of other people who may visit, or especially the children. He was a bachelor w/a bachelor pad of mags laying around, and now has moved into a house w/kids so there is a bit of adjustment to be had. HA! I probably have an easier time accepting his mags though since I look at porn myself.

 

Keep up the communication, hope it works out!

[Hund1976]

So what is the current status of your relationship? I can see her being upset if you keep saying "I'm not going to look at porn anymore" and then you call her the next day and say "I looked at porn, but I'm not going to do it anymore" My personal belief is that porn in moderation isn't that big of a deal, but if its that important to you to never look at it again then all you can do is try your best and hope that you can do it. As far as the girl goes it is really up to her if she wants to get back with you or not.