avacado Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I’m in a tricky spot and I wonder if anyone here has had a similar situation. So I’ve been dating new girl for some time now, we’re getting pretty serious and I see long-term potential. One issue, however, complicates things – it’s the way she talks. For one, she’s loud. Very loud. When it’s just the two of us, it’s within reason, but if there’s a third person she will almost hurt my ears. Just as bad, she says “you know?” constantly, sometimes after every sentence. Usually, this is followed with a booming “Um” that connects sentences. If she’d just remove these two bad speech habits she’d be much more easy to listen to. It’s amazing that we’ve gone about 6 months without me being seriously bothered by it, but now when she talks, I feel like someone is scratching a chalk board. Would it be extremely insensitive for me to ask her if she can talk more quietly or remove some of these bad speech habits? I fear that speech is such an ingrained aspect of someone that it would be hard to change, even if she wanted to. And her reaction could be that I’m an ******* for even criticizing her. And maybe I am a bit critical of peoples’ speech. But it isn’t something that I can easily change, either. It’s just a gut reaction that makes me cringe nearly every time we talk. Suggestions?
Keenly Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Its never going to stop. If she is loud already its just going to get worse. Any time she is drinking will be pretty.obnoxious too.
preraph Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 It's unlikely she would be able to change her actual speech habits. I get what you're saying, though. I find women who "whisper" talk very annoying (but I'm a woman -- men like it). I also have a friend who talks normal most of the time but we can be at a restaurant and suddenly she will almost start yelling while talking where everyone can hear her and has no idea she's doing it. Here's what I do know. If you find her annoying already, two years from now, these little things would just make you grate your teeth. I would just say she's not the one for you. I have a male friend who when hungover talks way too loud and I do tell him to be quiet, but it's going to keep happening over and over. And her ums and you knows, just about everyone has those. I know this because I transcribe depositions, and it's very very common to do that. So I wouldn't even think it was reasonable to ask them to change that. It's more common than not. 1
Gaeta Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Yes you should definitely address the matter but in a very diplomatic and loving way. Try this, at first when she raises her voice you lower yours. You get closer to her, lean toward her and lower your voice as if you were going to tell her a secret. She will have no choice but to lower her voice and slow down her speech flow. She must be breaking your ear on the phone? That might be a good time to mention something. You could say something like honey when you get carried away you speak real loud, it's hard for me to keep my phone on my ear. I think that would make her more conscious. If after dropping hints here and there she doesn't catch on, well you will have to gather all your courage and tell her straight.
Zahara Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I don't think you can change the "loud". I have a gf that's loud. God, sometimes the whole restaurant can hear her conversation. She's aware of this as she'll sometimes check herself. I've known her for 4 years and it hasn't changed. It lasts for a few minutes and then she's on the foghorn again. I have a colleague that's loud. Everyone is in close proximity. We all know when her OBGYN appt is, that she had a fight with her boyfriend, that her cat is sick, that she's calling in sick to go see the ball game, etc. Sometimes we tell her to keep it down but it doesn't work. If it's annoying you now, imagine living with her 24-7. You either learn to live with it and accept it or this becomes a dealbreaker (because it will grate on your every nerve).
bubbaganoosh Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I knew a girl from way back in the early 70's that was one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet and she was also a very good looking woman..............................but. First of all she had a real heavy southern drawl. (No offense to our southern friends here) and she was loud. Real loud. Every time I was around her I would have to walk away because I would start laughing because she reminded me of that Warner Brothers cartoon of that great big loud mouthed chicken that would go looking for the poor dog that was sleeping in his dog house minding his own business and he would grab the dog by his tail and wack him in the ass with a stick a few times then run far enough away that the dog would chase him then get clothes lined by his own leash. Her own friends would keep telling her 'Shhhhhh" every ten minuets and to make matters worse, she worked a job where she had to get on the intercom for the other employees and was told that she damn near rattled windows when she was on it. That's who she is and honestly I don't know how anyone could changer her. She knows she's loud and that's the way she is. All I can say is good luck
me85 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) LOL Ouch. I'm loud. I've been working on it and I've gotten a lot better. My ex actually told me before we were official that I was "too loud for him." That seriously hurt...but...that's what the truth does, it hurts. The a hole was my boyfriend for 2 years though , so whatever. Turns out he was too much of a liar/cheater for me. My point is, that's a minor issue, man. Is she true to you? Do y'all have a good time together? Are you overall happy in your RS? You knew she was loud 6 months ago, it obviously wasn't much of a deal breaker then so why would it be now?? Make light of it and move on. Edited May 27, 2014 by me85
Keenly Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 LOL Ouch. I'm loud. I've been working on it and I've gotten a lot better. My ex actually told me before we were official that I was "too loud for him." That seriously hurt...but...that's what the truth does, it hurts. The a hole was my boyfriend for 2 years though , so whatever. Turns out he was too much of a liar/cheater for me. My point is, that's a minor issue, man. Is she true to you? Do y'all have a good time together? Are you overall happy in your RS? You knew she was loud 6 months ago, it obviously wasn't much of a deal breaker then so why would it be now?? Make light of it and move on. I wouldn't call it a minor issue at all. Any prime they are in public, and anytime they have a conversation, which is like 60 percent of a relationship, its going to bother him. 3
Gaeta Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 LOL You knew she was loud 6 months ago, it obviously wasn't much of a deal breaker then so why would it be now?? Because that's what dating is about. You get to know someone, you slowly see their little weird sides, you're infatuated and think you can live with them, when butterflies settle down and you're not blinded by rainbows any more you start asking yourself the real questions like : could I live with this person and her ways. 2
TXGuy Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 LOL Ouch. I'm loud. I've been working on it and I've gotten a lot better. My ex actually told me before we were official that I was "too loud for him." That seriously hurt...but...that's what the truth does, it hurts. The a hole was my boyfriend for 2 years though , so whatever. Turns out he was too much of a liar/cheater for me. My point is, that's a minor issue, man. Is she true to you? Do y'all have a good time together? Are you overall happy in your RS? You knew she was loud 6 months ago, it obviously wasn't much of a deal breaker then so why would it be now?? Make light of it and move on. OP- I think the most humane thing to do would be to talk to her about it (via other suggestions in this thread). You can hope she changes enough for you, but she won't. Perhaps if enough ex boyfriends bring this to her attention, she might make a real effort to change. But it likely won't happen the first time. More likely, she will think you are a jerk like this poster. You can walk away now, not tell her, and she will not be as mad at you. Or you could address it with her and eventually walk away later. She will hate you, but she might get closer to changing. Most people go with the first option (me included). Few go with the second because there is only downside for you.
me85 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I wouldn't call it a minor issue at all. Any prime they are in public, and anytime they have a conversation, which is like 60 percent of a relationship, its going to bother him. I wouldn't call it a minor issue at all. Any prime they are in public, and anytime they have a conversation, which is like 60 percent of a relationship, its going to bother him. He said it hasn't bothered him seriously for 6 months...ok, ?? That kind of tells me it probably isn't THAT bad then. Ya everyone comes to the end of their rope with stuff but I feel for the girl because when he tells her she's going to be like any of us would be and say "why didn't you tell me you felt this way sooner?" He needs to talk to her about it asap and figure out if he can accept it or not. It is something she can work on. For sure. I did. I'm grateful my ex and I told each other what we thought the pros and cons were about one another early on. lol It can be brutal but necessary. Most normal people wait to do this as things get more serious, I know, but my ex and I obviously rushed into EVERYTHING way too soon. I do feel like it's better to be honest right away than to let it fester and get worse later down the road. WITH ANYTHING. Not cool to keep something bottled up for a long period of time, for his sake and her's. Why waste any time?? I still think this is something minor. Ok, it bothers him, but things like this seem to be less of a problem in RSs IMO. These are things you can definitely work on and get past. He is probably just thinking more seriously about their RS altogether. It's around that time period when most people do. This is most likely a part of his weighing the seriousness of their overall compatibility. When that time comes we start to look at everything big and small and we ask ourselves, "Can I accept this about this person or not?"
Ruby Slippers Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Yeah, I don't see this changing. I find loud talkers very annoying - those people sitting on the train or walking down the street and talking 20 times louder than they need to. Screams attention whore to me. Why does the whole train or city block need to hear your mindless conversation? Have some manners 2
FitChick Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Tell her you are concerned about her hearing. You've read that when people start to go deaf, they talk very loudly and she is doing that. If you keep pushing her to get her hearing tested, she will either do it or ideally start to turn down the volume. I know an old man who always shouted and eventually had to get a hearing aid. No more shouting. Does she always listen to loud music? Has she attended many loud rock concerts, dances, discos in her life? Many young people these days have hearing worse than their grandparents.
cif Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 It's her character and will not change. Like if someone has a squeaky voice or talks at the speed of light. Just gets more annoying with time. You're not compatible.
Koopa Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 loud girls are the worst imo, especially the ones that let out a loud shriek anytime they see a friend in a public place no matter how long its been since they last saw them. It's a deal breaker for me. 1
veggirl Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I have a coworker like this. I say SHHHHHHH many times a day.
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