Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Hi all, I thought I would share my experience with everyone and see if anyone could shed light on my situation. My ex were together for 4 years, everything was great between us, every relationship has its stress but we were always there for each other. We did not live together but I was saving a lot of money a month to buy a house together (i later found out that she saved nothing). Anyway she started a new job in January and she started to party a lot with her work mates and drinking a lot, she started to seem distant from me but I tried to do everything I could to show her affection. At this time I was working with my dad and money was tight. However I did not think she thought this was a big deal because when we started dating (she was 23 - i was 28) she earned pretty much nothing. Only due to me making her believe in herself she started moving up the ladder and started working in the city (she told me this many times). We went to a ski trip to Canada with a bunch of friends and she acted if she didn't want anything to do with me. She would not ski but instead drink during the day and be on her phone the whole time. She started being secretive about her passwords and stuff - obviously alarm bells started ringing but I didn't want to broach the subject while on holiday. I would go to bed at around 10pm she would return to bed around 2pm drunk out her face every night. When we returned home I told her that she behaved horribly and that I was hurt that she didn't care about me. She said sorry and the next day she called and said that she didn't even realise she did this to me and that she wanted to break up. I was hurt because I thought we could have at least tried to talk about our issues, so the next weekend I went to hers and she said the following: 1) She loved me less 2) She has been in relationships her whole life and now just wants to enjoy life, wants to go to Australia 3) She is not fussed about moving out,because living at her parents was cheap and she had people to look after her dogs. 4) She didn't think we could ever get back together. After this i did the stupid mistakes of calling her and stuff but she acted cold and just kept partying. 2 weeks later i saw her and she acted like she was feeling no remorse, she mentioned that she is partying with some girls and a guy at work, staying at the guys house with the girls. She mentioned this guy just broke up with his fiance and is going through the the same issues as her. She also mentioned about emigrating to Australia. After another 2 weeks I bumped into her and she told me that she is interested in seeing a guy at work, the same guy she has been partying with, and guess what he is Australian . I mentioned that if money was an issue it was because I was saving for our house, but when you told me you didn't want to move out I was lost. She now says she never said that and that she is thinking about moving closer to the city - which she never wanted to do before - her new guy lives in the city. I asked why him and she said it was someone to talk to. After another 2 weeks, I spoke to a mutual friend. She said that she doesn't know much but she has noticed that she has changed. She also mentioned that my ex is 100% sure the relationship is over and she is happy with her choice. She also said that my ex does not know what to say to me as she knows I am hurt but its over and doesn't want to confuse anything. My friend also mentioned that my ex said that her priorities had changed. Thats it in a nutshell really. Within a matter of months my life turned upside down. No explanation on what was wrong with our relationship, I have been going through the usual depression and stuff while she is happy planning here new life, which I feel is unfair. It makes me feel like our 4 year relationship meant nothing to her. I do love her, but I cannot forgive her. Has something similar happened to anyone? Is this GIGS? I don't want her back because I don't think I could trust her again. Or is this a relationship that just out grew itself? Really just want some closure, I sit here thinking it was my fault all the time. Thanks for reading.
km19 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Hey dude. First off I want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I truly feel your pain because I went through pretty much the same thing about 5 weeks ago, except your ex had the decency to break it off completely instead of stringing you around. My ex of essentially 7 years asked for a break for 30 days because she needed to "find herself". The reality was she wanted to pursue something with a dude who is 10 years older (we're both 22) who is divorced and has a kid. But I digress The big thing I want you to understand is that your actions did nothing to cause this. Regardless if you acted a different way, this was bound to happen. She would have ended this in one way or another. I know it sucks to hear that and it's probably not what you were hoping to hear, but it's coming from someone who is currently going through this. And to be honest, the sooner you realize that this was bound to happen, the sooner you can begin your true recovery process. The biggest thing is to start No Contact. If you haven't already started it, do it now. No texting, no emailing, no social media. Nothing. Drop off the face of the earth. Naturally when you're with someone for so long it's hard to cut contact, but this truly is the only option to move on. Sooner or later you will have to implement NC to get over her. You might as well start now. It's going to be a bumpy process. You will have days filled with mixed emotions. One minute you will hate her guts, the next you will miss her terribly. In the event that you are tempted to contact her, simply post here instead. We're all here for you. Don't be afraid to share your feelings on here. It won't be easy, but take it one day at a time. Sooner the days turn into weeks and before you know it, you will be over a month into the process. And let me tell you, the strides iv made over the past month are astronomical. I'm not over her, but I've understood the situation and have accepted reality. Sure it sucks, but if you think about it, you don't miss her, you miss the idea of her and the things you associated with her. But she isn't that person anymore. And if you go back to her, all you're doing is putting yourself back to square one Keep busy, catch up with friends who you may have lost touch with, talk to your family, work out. Whatever helps you take your mind off things. All the best buddy, I really feel for ya. Like I said, the forum is an awesome supporting cast. Don't be afraid to express any and all thoughts on here. Edited May 27, 2014 by km19
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Thank you KM19 Today is the first day in a loooong time that I feel ok'ish about the idea. I have recently spoken to two mutual friends who basically came out of the woodwork and they have been amazing. They keep saying what you said, don't blame yourself, people change and that I should count it as a blessing that is has happened now and not in 4 months after I proposed. It feels like a kick in the teeth, however just reading this forum has helped loads. Thank you for taking the time out to read my post
hoping2heal Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Of course it's not your fault. She is going through a lifestyle change. The partying and drinking are things she can do with this guy, sounds like you weren't into that scene? I think what she means by "someone to talk to" is "someone I can relate with". It sounds like you are at a phase of maturing and responsibility, and she wants to be the opposite. So, she meets guy who represents her own lifestyle views and she's smitten. She prob feels guilty or uncomfortable being her "new self" around you, and her choices are validated by this guy bc he lives the same way. Sorry you're going through this but no, definitely not your fault.
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Well that's why I thought it might be GIGS. I sometimes sense this partying is her release because she is afraid to settle. There gets a point where one has to grow up. Her new guy is 5 years older and if he wants to party still and I guess they are suited. All I believe is that she should have spoken to me and given me the respect to explain why she wanted to move on. Drinking every other day and having fun when you have the chance to get married and have kids I find is a silly reason to break up. He has a place of his own so I guess she can move in instead of working for it and move out.
km19 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Well that's why I thought it might be GIGS. I sometimes sense this partying is her release because she is afraid to settle. There gets a point where one has to grow up. Her new guy is 5 years older and if he wants to party still and I guess they are suited. All I believe is that she should have spoken to me and given me the respect to explain why she wanted to move on. Drinking every other day and having fun when you have the chance to get married and have kids I find is a silly reason to break up. He has a place of his own so I guess she can move in instead of working for it and move out. GIGS is an interesting phenomenon. I myself early on was blaming it on that and really focusing all my attention to it. But in the end, does it really matter? Honestly I feel people get too hung up on GIGS and it ultimately works against them with respect to their recovery process. GIGS implies that the dumper will come to their senses and ultimately regret the decision, which allows people to grasp onto something, anything. It truly is a defense mechanism. But it results in people holding on for too long. Personally, maybe my ex is suffering from GIGS but I couldn't care less. She lied and lied and lied some more and GIGS doesn't change any of that. A word of advice, tread carefully. Don't get hung up on it. Worry about you and recover properly.
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 KM19, You are absolutely right. I use GIGS to understand what might have happened, and there is a small part of me that wants her to come back so that can say 'No - you have hurt me so much, I have moved on and I think you should to' I have no interest in getting back with her, she doesn't care about me so why should I care about her. Right now I have anger and want her relationship to fail, later I guess I won't care and I wish probably wish her all the best.
Chi townD Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 This isn't a case of GIGS. GIGS is wanting to leave the relationship to see what else is out there. The reason why this isn't GIGS is because she already had someone lined up. Dude, she was cheating on you. Put the pieces together. You go Skiing with her and she spends most of the time away from you, getting drunk and spending her time on the phone? (Gee, I wonder to who?). Her phone is now password protected. (Wonder what she was protecting?) She breaks up with you and you hear from her. She's staying with some "girlfriends" (that probably didn't exist at this point) and sleeping at this guys house (yeah, I'm sure she took the couch). Tells you she wants to visit Australia and you find out this other dude is Australian! (WOW! What a coincidence!!!!) Then, she tells you she wants to immigrate to Australia (Gee, was someone having problems getting his visa renewed?) Then, she tells you she wants to move to the city and she never wanted to move to the city before; so, why now? (OH! That's right! Douche Rocket from down under lives in the city!) Dude, she was cheating on you. She entered into a new relationship WHILE she was with you and didn't pull the trigger on you until she was sure this guy was ready to commit to her. Sorry dude, this wasn't GIGS.
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Hahaha Chi Town, I know!!!!! Lol I just didn't want to believe it because she got cheated on before and went into a downward spiral and the I came along and helped her. Some people think cheating is kissing or sleeping together, I think it an be as much as flirting with another guy when you are in a relationship. I know she cheated in that sense. He is a douche and he looks like a douche, totally not what you expect her with. However she has her reasons and he got my ex. Time to move on! Even when you broke it all down (stuff that I analysed over and over again), I still can laugh!
Chi townD Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) A good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. My guess is that your Ex did a lot of that! Dude, You were saving money for a house. Well, that doesn't have to stop your plans! There are some REALLY AWESOME Townehomes that you can buy and you don't have to have as big of a down payment as you would for a house. Heal from this and start making positive changes in your life. Hell, do a number on your Ex and plan a vacation to Australia yourself! I met an Australian girl in Paris, and she stated she loved American guys because Australian dudes have no idea how to treat a girl! So! I believe that your Ex is in for a rude awakening when this dude shows his true colors. Edited May 27, 2014 by Chi townD
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Thank you Chi Town I wish I lived where you do. London is not that cheap $20k is not enough. I like your definition about cheating.
Chi townD Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 LONDON IS AWESOME! But, you're right, it's very expensive. Well, move out to somewhere else! Brighton is great. Birmingham is okay. Bath is nice... You've got options! And if your in London, then Holiday in the States! Go to the Florida Keys or to Los Angeles! I hate to say it, but if you came to the states you'd be in there. American girls go stupid over a british accent. As long as it isn't too cockney. Just speak a little poshly, and you're in.
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I know what your saying. Went to MIA in 2009 and I was a GOD! Lol This is now the second time I have been cheated on, it is getting tough to trust women
Chi townD Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I know what your saying. Went to MIA in 2009 and I was a GOD! Lol This is now the second time I have been cheated on, it is getting tough to trust women Chances are you're attracted to a certain type of girl and that type keeps on burning you. I'm not saying lower your standards, but I would give other types of girls a look. You never know!
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Chances are you're attracted to a certain type of girl and that type keeps on burning you. I'm not saying lower your standards, but I would give other types of girls a look. You never know! Don't sound to be shallow but they have all gone for worst looking people. One was due to religion and the lastest well money I guess lol
hoping2heal Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Don't sound to be shallow but they have all gone for worst looking people. One was due to religion and the lastest well money I guess lol I don't think money had anything to do with it.
Author Riley81 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 To be honest I am just talking rubbish. You can sense I still have anger towards her. I think she just did not want to settle down and wanted to be with someone that still wanted to party. The thing is I will never know.
nightbird101 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) wow I know exactly how you feel cuz I'm gong through almost the same thing...almost. The thing that confuses me about my break up is that I want to buy a house settle down and hopefully one day start a family...she wants that to. Obviously before the break up I didn't want that but after...Yea I want that so badly. Its kind of hard to prove it when she's cold to me. Like you my ex is cold and very bitter towards me again, however I'm gonna blame my begging for that. My advice. Don't do my mistake listen to what km1 told you. Trust me what he says is the truth Edited May 28, 2014 by nightbird101
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