loveiswar101 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Ok, as in previous post I'm around 6 mths since the day. Be honest still think of her everyday but believe that she has no intentions of us seeing each other again. Question is: Even though I still feel I love her, is it wrong to date (ie put a profile up online). May or may not meet someone but is it wrong. Hope get my drift. Not looking for love but I miss company, fun I guess. But saying that don't want to lead someone on at the same time. Thanks
learning_slowly Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I don't think you're leading them on by dating them. All that is doing is saying you are prepared to meet somebody new. If it goes further and you're still thinking about the ex, then its probably time to let that person go, so they can find somebody who does not have your baggage. You never know, by dating, you could take her off the pedestal, as you'll see there are other girls out there who are as good as her. 1
RDawg Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Give it a try and see how dating makes you feel. I tried soon after (at around the 3 month mark) and it made me feel gross. I have resigned myself to always loving my ex and I'm ok with that. Don't have the money for dating anyways, the bond repayments are killing me.
mammasita Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 You're going to get varying answers. I was in your position. I put a profile up really quick after I was dumped and even went out on a few dates. In retrospect, I was no where near ready.......BUT it was something to do to pass the time and did help build the self esteem again. Unfair to the people I went out with? Again, if anything would have come out of it -- then - yes, definitely unfair because I wasn't ready. I say that if you are honest and say that you are NOT looking for anything other than short term dating or even FWB if thats your thing, then go for it.
fabulousgal Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I say do it, it's a great way to remind yourself that their are plenty of fish in the sea! I don't think it's unfair at all, you are just going on dates not talking marriage. 1
jt27 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Different for everyone. I am considering it now 2 months post BU. Am I over my ex? No way. Would it be selfish of me? Probably. Will it help me get over my ex? Possibly. Will I compare my first date to my ex? Definitely. Am I scared as hell to do it? Most definitely. You never know, by dating, you could take her off the pedestal, as you'll see there are other girls out there who are as good as her. Bang on slowly. This is gonna be the reason I actually do it. 2
Author loveiswar101 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Thanks guys, generally I don't think its that bad as if I do meet someone it's only dating. It will be hard and I'll be as nervous as hell, but better than staying at home alone wallowing about the past. In no certain terms I made it clear to my ex i love her and always will but friendship won't happen. Ball was in her court and she obviously doesn't want to play. Working all this weekend and then a week to catch up then might give it ago. Smile :-)
b_rouse Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) I would definitely try it! I felt it helped me cope better. It's been almost 5 years since my BU (I even posted this lloonngg break up message on here asking for advice). I didn't try online dating til around 2 years after my BU. But everyone's different. I moved much slower (and even today, I still think of him...) But I'm currently in this relationship with a wonderful guy, and it's been almost 1.5 years with him. I'm happy. Although, I didn't find him online, I thought online dating was fun! And it gave me something else to think about. Edited May 30, 2014 by b_rouse
bulldogz Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Yeah, you should try it. Beware that some sites are more "relationship"-focused than others. It's self-explanatory when you check them out.
slouch Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I'm in the same boat, OP. I've already had one date (which I enjoyed, even though she didn't call back!) and I have another on Sunday. I'm probably not ready, but as long as I don't think of it as life changing (which was kind of the problem I had when I dated my ex) and just treat it as a bit of fun, or at least a diversion, I don't see much bad coming from it. And at least this way, I won't puff up the importance of dating, I won't get stressed about it, and I'll be able to objectively decide what I'm looking for in a partner, rather than jump at the first girl who shows a slight interest. Basically, I think life's too short to spend months or years completely celibate. If I ever feel dubious about the idea, I think of my ex- for all I know, she could be out there meeting guys and having a great time. She's not going to be sitting at home dwelling on an old relationship. So why should I? Now obviously I'm not really dating for the right reasons, but the way I look at it, the more girls I meet, the less important she'll become in my head. And that's when I can start dating for the right reasons. Conversely, if you try it out, and you're not up for it, don't force it. Take a break. Being single shouldn't be a relentless effort to find someone. But if you simply view dating as meeting new people and being sociable, which is what you say you want it to be, then you'll probably enjoy it.
Brutus Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 It may be a distraction and help rebuild self-esteem. But honestly, in my case it just made it even more clear to me how special and above the lines my ex was. And threw me back into the "I will never find someone like her again" paranoia...
mangetout Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 It may be a distraction and help rebuild self-esteem. But honestly, in my case it just made it even more clear to me how special and above the lines my ex was. And threw me back into the "I will never find someone like her again" paranoia... That's the gamble of OLD. Most of my dates have been average ( end up comparing them to my ex) and when I do find one whom I really like, he doesn't like me. Dating is hard work
slouch Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I hear what you're saying about always comparing them to your ex, but I think you need to accept a few things about him/her. They weren't perfect, for starters. The first few weeks after my break-up, people tried to cheer me up by asking me to name three things I disliked in my ex. I couldn't answer. But after a significant amount of self-reflection I now can. More than three even. So the people you're dating might not match up in certain areas...but they might compensate in other ways that you won't know about unless you give them a chance. Maybe try to date people who are very different to your ex? It'll make it harder for you to draw comparisons. You also have to accept, however reluctantly, that your ex wasn't the one. If they were, many of us wouldn't be here. I think the idea that you will never meet anyone to top your ex is inherently unrealistic, based on nothing but your own grief. Logic would dictate that you will, 'cos there are billions of people in the world. Logic would also dictate that there's more chance of getting over your ex by being proactive than by dwelling on the heartbreak. Now, I fully expect that I'll be going on a lot of dates that will be crushing disappointments because the girl isn't quite up to the same standards of conversation or attractiveness as my ex. But the very next date I go on could be absolutely perfect, and I don't want to shut myself off from that opportunity by festering away in a room, by myself, with only the memory of a girl to keep me company. 3
Author loveiswar101 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 I don't want to shut myself off from that opportunity by festering away in a room, by myself, with only the memory of a girl to keep me company. You're right, yep already been looking at a few of the sites and ÿes"i'm going to give it a go. Thanks 1
slouch Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 That's good to hear! Don't take it too seriously and you'll be fine. Today was probably the first day since my break-up that I felt genuinely neutral about my ex, and I owe part of that to chatting to new people- mostly online so far, it has to be said. But even if that's as far as you take it for now, I still reckon it'll keep your mind off your break-up.
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