Bdrmsb Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 When I was young, I had an affair with a married man. I justified my actions, by thinking that there relationship was over due to all the fighting and he found me. They had children and ended up getting a divorce while I was still seeing him. Years later... I find my husband and we have children. Our relationship was very rocky. It got to the point where I left to my parents house to get some space and he declared our relationship over and found some girl at a bar. Girl was aware he had very young children and was married but didn't care. Me and my husband are separated. I'm making attempts to reconcile for the kids and I still love him. But he now with that girl and says he doesn't want to come back. I think we may have had a chance to try again if that girl wasn't in the picture. Now my kids don't have a dad to come home too. It breaks my heart. I feel this is my karma for what I did before. I didn't have kids then and had no idea how big of a deal it was that this man had a family. I should have walked away and told that he should do everything possible to give his kids a family with two parents. What can I do to cleanse my bad karma? I feel so guilty for everything I've done.
PachucaSunrise Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 When I was young, I had an affair with a married man. I justified my actions, by thinking that there relationship was over due to all the fighting and he found me. They had children and ended up getting a divorce while I was still seeing him. Think about this for a minute... I'm certainly not excusing your actions, but when everything ended and it became crystal clear that what you did was wrong, did you truly feel sorry? I really think that's crucial when it comes to this karma stuff. If you did feel sorry, did you feel that way because things didn't end the way you wish they would have, or because your conscience caught up with you and you REALLY and TRULY felt horrible for what you did? There's a big difference there. When you do wrong, wipe your hands of it, walk away, and simply move on with your life as if nothing ever happened, not only is that super crappy, but you don't learn anything from the situation. And if you don't learn from it, you're bound to repeat it, or quite possibly, it just may come back to you (as you think is has) to teach you the lesson you never learned. On the other hand, if you were seriously remorseful for what you did (even though it wasn't the right thing to do), and you learned, made amends, became a better person - the experience may have changed you - which I hope it has. No, there's nothing that can excuse your poor choices, and you can't go back in time to fix things, but I firmly believe that when you do wrong, even though you'll never get that second chance to make the same situation 'right' (trust me, if I only had that chance, I'd do it in a heartbeat) you can certainly learn to live your life in a different manner. You can use your past mistakes to help others... Make positive changes... And possibly put some good back out there into the world. Years later... I find my husband and we have children. Our relationship was very rocky. It got to the point where I left to my parents house to get some space and he declared our relationship over and found some girl at a bar. Girl was aware he had very young children and was married but didn't care. Me and my husband are separated. I'm making attempts to reconcile for the kids and I still love him. But he now with that girl and says he doesn't want to come back. I think we may have had a chance to try again if that girl wasn't in the picture. Now my kids don't have a dad to come home too. It breaks my heart. I feel this is my karma for what I did before. I didn't have kids then and had no idea how big of a deal it was that this man had a family. I should have walked away and told that he should do everything possible to give his kids a family with two parents. What can I do to cleanse my bad karma? I feel so guilty for everything I've done. First of all, I want you to know that I truly do feel for you. I'm sorry that you're going through such a painful time. This is rough, and my heart goes out to you. You're expressing a lot of guilt now, and I feel as though that's very important. However, I'm curious to know precisely where your guilty feelings are coming from. From your past A? Because you think karma came back to 'bite you', kinda like, now it's your turn to get what you had coming to you? I only ask this because there's a difference between feeling guilty out of obligation, and feeling guilty out of true regret. On that same note, if you never came to terms with your past situation, and didn't "learn your lesson", perhaps you may be learning that lesson right now, unfortunately. You also mentioned that your current relationship is "rocky" and that you're separated. If you TRULY love your H, and want things to work out because of that love... Well, that's something you really need to sit down and think about. On the other hand, if you want things to work out for the sake of your kids (as you also mentioned), MORE than for the love of your H, that's a whole different ball game. I understand how important it is for children to have both parents actively in their lives (regardless of if the parents are 'together'), but if the parents are 'together' and unhappy, that's ultimately very unhealthy for the children. They see things. They sense things, and they're much smarter than what we give them credit for. So, maybe try and give that some thought - do you want to be with him SOLELY for the kids, or because you truly DO love him - or both? If it's just because you want the kids to have a mother and father who live in the same house (but have a "rocky" relationship), that will ultimately hurt them in the long run. But if you and your H still have an honest and mutual love for one another, and FIRMLY believe that you can make it work, AND get past whatever obstacles that were making your M "rocky", then it's definitely worth a shot. There's quite a bit to think about here. By making the most healthy and loving choices NOW, for your entire family... I really feel as though that's what's going to cleanse you of this bad karma you speak about. It's possible that your H has in fact moved on with this OW, and if that's the case, I highly doubt that you'd want to more or less force him to come back home. Again, think about your children... If they haven't already, there will come a time when they'll begin to sense a lack of love between the two of you, and I'm sure you don't want that. now, if your H hasn't fully moved on, there's definitely still a chance. And if R is the route you're going to take, do it out of pure love and honesty for the ENTIRE family, because I'm 100% sure that your children would much rather see both their mother and father happy and healthy (even if they are separate), than together and miserable. I wish you the best of luck. Again, I really do feel for you. Please keep us updated. 1
No Limit Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Well, your karma might as well has cleansed itself now. You wrecked a family, and here your very own was destroyed before it even got started. Not intending to tease here but it is what it is. Learn to raise your kids on your own now instead of wasting your time begging him to come back. As you've seen firsthand, he'll most likely go for the girl and could care less about his wife or kids.
BetrayedH Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 This is just my personal $.02 There's no mystical force driving any of this. Quit focusing on the old scenario and start focusing on what you should really do about the current one. It's not easy but try to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Don't look for reasons to accept poor treatment by looking at your history and finding ways to say you deserve it. Our instinctive reactions to losing our partners is to grasp onto them. Many people try to 'nice them back.' It rarely works. Counter-intuitively, taking a harsher stand is more effective. Don't accept unacceptable treatment. If you respect yourself, he just might. If you don't, he certainly won't. 2
harrybrown Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Does the OW have a family? have you informed her family about the affair? Have you informed your H's family about the affair? Shining the light on the affair removes part of the thrill of the affair. Forget about the past. Try to work on your current situation for you and your kids. Sorry for your heartache. 1
dichotomy Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 PachucaSunrise made some good points - How did you feel after your time as the OW, before you met you husband. Did you express regret guilt after wards? Did you discuss this with your new husband? - You say the marriage was very rock - so rocky you left for a while. Thats pretty major and unhealthy marriage you got there. What was happening - I imagine that was not a good marriage for the kids to see. I firmly believe there is no karma (as we misunderstand it to be payback or what goes around comes around). Bad people often thrive. However being a good human being - regret and accountability and trying to be better when we fall - is what matters. 1
oldshirt Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I don't think it's Karma. If your husband goes up to the bar one night and picks up some skank and now doesn't want to work things out with his wife and keep his family intact, he is either an ass and a deadbeat himself and you'll be better off without him in the first place. Or your marriage was already completely dead in the water. I'm betting he is an ass and your marriage was dead or should have been. I don't think there is any Karma here. If there is any connection between the two cases it is that you picked two men that were not good husband/father material from the get-go.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You have realised: That cleanses your karma. That plus the fact you are suffering cleanses your karma. You are suffering broadly what you inflicted, and you understand that. There is no karma but if there were, it would have been cleansed. There is a horrible symmetry here, but no karma, in the sense of mystical force woo-woo. There is however the kind of karma that is in your head. I'm of the opinion that there's a pattern here somewhere - perhaps your "man picker" goes for ultimately uncommitted ones. Perhaps you are not happy with full commitment yourself - after all you had an affair and moved out of your marriage first. Whatever - wisdom comes late, and damn! often too late to do anything with it. Now focus on the real external world, not your past mistakes. Not to do that ... would be making another mistake of inattention.
vera345 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 When I was 19 I had an affair with a guy who was married and had a child. It wasn't very long and we didn't have sex, even though we did other sexual things. I have never met his wife and he wasn't planning on leaving her. He was chasing all types of women at that time. 19 years forward and my husband cheated on me when I was pregnAnt and we had a toddler and left me. It was very cruel. I never thought about that first guy until I read your post. But it made me think that maybe I need to look deep inside myself and figure out what is wrong with me that I chose those types of people. I don't think it's karma but I see that I ignored some obvious signs and tried to see my husband not the way he really was. The same was with that married guy. as I see it now they both run from responsibility, have confidence problem, lie, and chose to walk away and bring third person rather than to work on a marriage. But what's wrong with me that I didn't see it and I kept to be Attracted to these kind of men? This is what you need to focus on
Spectre Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I find it hard to feel sympathy for you to tell you the truth. First, yeah..you were a home wrecker. Then you got your own family and you walked out on them to go stay with your parents and your husband said it was over then. I am assuming he told you if you left it was over..and then you still went? So, then he found someone else. Don't know if I can blame him, you shouldn't of walked out. Should of gone to a marriage counselor. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. However, it is good that you were finally able to see the harm in your behavior years ago. There is still one more lesson you need to learn from that event. The other woman's isn't anymore responsible for your husbands behavior than you were responsible for the OM's behavior. As adorable as you may have been at the time, you were not irresistible. The OM chose to cheat on his wife, just as you husband has chosen to do the same. I would advise you to look at phone records and ask around, but I have a feeling this may have been going on longer than you know. I don't believe in karma per se, but my advise is to acknowledge the wrong and don't repeat the behavior. You also can give that same advise to other young women that might find themselves tempted, as you were.
BearMox Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 ...I never thought about that first guy until I read your post. But it made me think that maybe I need to look deep inside myself and figure out what is wrong with me that I chose those types of people. I don't think it's karma but I see that I ignored some obvious signs and tried to see my husband not the way he really was. The same was with that married guy. I had a very similar experience with an older MW when I was 16. It left me in a terrible state emotionally (hindsight) and took me a while before I felt an honest regret. I was married almost 10 years and my marriage ended in my wife having an affair. First woman I start a relationship after my failed marriage experienced an EA the year prior with a MM. Looks like were all in this karma mess together. Is there a hard lesson we need to learn here that were missing?
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