gettingstronger Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 We are 16 months post dday. Things are going well as can be expected. The odd thing is he has become insecure in a way about me. The way he explains it is that he trusts me, etc. but just can not shake the feeling that he's so unworthy of me. He sometimes sees long term friends of ours as threats. He knows it's not rational and in some ways it angers me ( he knows I'm not the type to cheat or hurt our friends ) but still he can't shake the feeling that he is not worthy of me. Has anyone experienced this? I know I did a horrible job explaining it, but I hope it's clear enough to answer.
lovinDKT3 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I was super insecure during and after my A. I convinced myself that he was involved with a co-worker. He traveled a lot and before he would contact me all day every day. Once he was on to the A he stopped and I never heard from him. Coupled with the fact that she started to travel with him. In some ways in made me feel better, its hard to explain. Maybe it was in a way making me feel less guilt. I do know that I felt unworthy of him. Why would he want me now? She was so beautiful and she was way into him, I knew that from our first meeting. I can't really explain the feeling, but I understand how you WH feels. As time passed I knew he wasn't involved and I felt even more guilt and shame. Hang in there, sounds like he is trying. Small steps. 2
Red123 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 My H is extremely insecure right now and very embarrassed by what he did. He is a more introverted personality than me and I can see him watching me when we are out with friends. He states that its not so much that he thinks I will cheat, god after this pain I wouldn't want to hurt anyone like this, but more that because I am so outgoing and now that he has hurt me I will find others more attractive. The way he explains it is that before I had no reason to find others more interesting than him because we were committed. He states that now that he has broken us, he wouldn't blame me for finding someone new. He also states he realizes how wonderful and I am and how lucky he is. Our M was in such a bad place before the A. I think it's the fact that they have betrayed us, so they may feel that if we did seek someone else they wouldn't have a leg to stand on in being angry. I hope the MC we are going to begin this week will help him. Are you in MC with your H? I don't know if it helps yet, but fingers crossed. 2
waterwoman Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Yes. He is very insecure. He has always said I was 'out of his league' but now he feels that is even more the case. Part of the reason for his cheating was feeling that he wasn't good enough for me. He admits that nothing I did deserved the way he treated me. Problem has been compounded by is inability to talk about his feelings - still an issue even after all this crap! And even worse he lost his job last year, got another but taken a pay cut of about 700 a month. We are struggling financially. And this comes after a few years of doing well after decades of not doing well thanks to H's various low-paid jobs. So no matter how I try to reassure him he feels like the lowest of the low. He is now heading for depression and that is the last thing we need. It's a horrible situation and although I love him I am beginning to wonder why I should carry on fighting any longer. I did it for years and years and he cheated. So maybe he is right to feel insecure. 3
Author gettingstronger Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Thanks Ladies! I feel like its hard to discuss the situation without his self esteem taking a hit- come on, what he did was pretty low so it makes sense that he would feel badly about himself and his actions-I guess this translates in to feeling insecure- Red- I am like you-very outgoing- I am a chronic volunteer so many people know me in the community-that was something he loved, but now the amount of people I know and talk with at social functions freaks him out- its grad week here in town so we have been out and about more than usual and that is probably why it keeps coming up- Loving- I get what you are saying as well- that worthless feeling is probably normal and I hope that in time with my love and support he will learn to love himself again- We are in counseling-his FOO issues are deeper than I had ever imagined so sometimes I wonder if it does him more harm than good-however, based on how he handled them before (having an A) I would have to say its something he needs to face- Best of luck to the both of you-keep on keeping on- cheers! 2
Spark1111 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 This is a VERY NORMAL part of reconciliation and crazy-making for SURE. When a fWS realizes how EASY it was to lie and betray the loving, trusting face of someone who LOVES AND TRUSTS THEM, it is NORMAL that they now have an impossible time trusting the very person they betrayed. It is called PROJECTION and it puts additional stress on the BS. Some claim it is one of the hardest parts of R! Third degree...who just called your cell phone? You said you were out with your GFs....why didn't you pick up my call? And NO MATTER what I said....it was relentless. I began to chalk it up to....KARMA can be a Biatch and I have NOTHING to hide....but it does become exhausting and I GIVE UP. 3
seren Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 My H feels so bad about himself for having an A, not just for how he feels he has let himself down, but for how he feels he has let me down. No matter how much I assure him that that was then, this is now, he has quite major anxiety attacks if anything affair related is discussed. I have tried all I can and some to reassure him that I forgive (not forget, how could we) and that he is loved, but he needs to forgive himself and that is the hardest thing. At times it is wearing, at times I feel angry and yes, a part of me is saying, in my head, for the love of God, let's just get on with living, but it is part of reconciling and I have chosen to stay and love this man, so I have my line in the sand that allows it to go so far, then I stop. It hasn't got easier with time, we, as a couple are bloody great, we have reached a stage in being us that is so dammed good, but now and again his demons chew his backside and I chase them away. he has had counselling from Combat Stress as it is all tied up with military stuff, my illness scares and him feeling not good enough. I almost think I should act like a t*** just to make him see I am human, I make mistakes, I am not perfect, but he has always thought I was too good, too clever, too whatever and that he isn't good enough, the A just added to him feeling not enough. How to let this man of mine, who I adore, who is the beat of my heart know that I choose to stay, I choose to love and that to me, he is all that and a bag of chips, despite the A is not something I have the answer to. His A and the OW were all very sordid (not knocking her, it is just a fact) and so out of character, I almost wish he had loved, that it was the stuff of dreams, at least then he wouldn't feel he had sunk to the bottom of the tank, but it wasn't and he does feel less than. I accept that this is how it is, if it became too, too much I would leave, but it is now a part of who he is and my job is to support, help and to love. I almost think that he is struggling with it all far more than I. Silly, lovely man that he is, to see him broken breaks my heart. I bloody hate A's and the destruction they cause. I don't excuse what he did, I don't accept any part in his decision to have an A, but I choose to stay and if helping him through his demons is part of it, then so be it. But it is so damned exhausting. 2
Author gettingstronger Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I have not hit the exhausted phase yet with this, but I can see it getting there- right now I am kind of between feeling bad for him and wanting to smack him and say "really, no kidding!" Affairs are soul wrenching acts with consequences far beyond what anyone can imagine!
snappytomcat Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Yes. He is very insecure. He has always said I was 'out of his league' but now he feels that is even more the case. Part of the reason for his cheating was feeling that he wasn't good enough for me. He admits that nothing I did deserved the way he treated me. Problem has been compounded by is inability to talk about his feelings - still an issue even after all this crap! And even worse he lost his job last year, got another but taken a pay cut of about 700 a month. We are struggling financially. And this comes after a few years of doing well after decades of not doing well thanks to H's various low-paid jobs. So no matter how I try to reassure him he feels like the lowest of the low. He is now heading for depression and that is the last thing we need. It's a horrible situation and although I love him I am beginning to wonder why I should carry on fighting any longer. I did it for years and years and he cheated. So maybe he is right to feel insecure. waterwoman,my husband says this often too,that I was way out of his league,he said im attractive,i take care of myself,and everyone who meets me loves me,and he said when he looked in the mirror he saw something disgusting looking back at him,and he felt she was more in his leaugue. I have no idea why he would feel like this,he said I never said or did anything for him to feel like this,it was just him. he went out with the guys a couple weeks ago,and begged me to come along,but I was exhausted,and told him to go have fun,and I actually felt ok about it,but he kept texting,me to come and he loves me,continuously. also im studing to get my GED(I should have did it ages ago)and im studying on the computer,and hes constantly asking what are you doing on there,who are you talking too,well that infuriates me,and I snapped stop asking me,im not a cheater,what im doing is innocent do you want to see?i felt awful for snapping at him. another time we were motorcycle riding in a group,and theres a nice man who also goes,and he talks about his pets a lot,and i talk about mine,but my husband gets kinda of like a caveman,throws his arm around me like hes telling the other man without coming out and saying anything,that shes mine. 2
Author gettingstronger Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 My husband is the same in he never felt he measured up. How that translated into sinking about as low as possible is a mystery to me.
Hope Shimmers Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This is interesting. Is this suggesting that insecure men who feel inferior to their wives cheat? My A (as the AP) was the exact opposite - that he felt inferior to me and kept telling me that. It was ultimately the destruction of us. He went back to his W who he did not feel would ever leave him because of that reason. I don't want a man who feels inferior anymore. I never made him feel that way - that was all on him.
snappytomcat Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This is interesting. Is this suggesting that insecure men who feel inferior to their wives cheat? My A (as the AP) was the exact opposite - that he felt inferior to me and kept telling me that. It was ultimately the destruction of us. He went back to his W who he did not feel would ever leave him because of that reason. I don't want a man who feels inferior anymore. I never made him feel that way - that was all on him. hope you have been through a lot,and I just don't think of you as the ow,cause he was lying to both you,and his wife,im glad you kicked him to the curb you deserve better,so does she 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 hope you have been through a lot,and I just don't think of you as the ow,cause he was lying to both you,and his wife,im glad you kicked him to the curb you deserve better,so does she Thank you snappy... I agree we both deserve better than this man. 1
Trustnoone Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 My WW and I are approximately 6 months from d-day. WW is very insecure towards me. WW trusts me but is fearful of a revenge affair. WW even offered a hall pass shortly after confessing. Somehow I just don't see taking gasoline to a fire to extinguish the flames. No revenge affair will happen, period. Yet her insecurity has provoked anger in me, I view it as she doesn't trust me and will lower myself to have an affair. We are working on this in MC so hopefully she becomes a stronger person in the future. I will say that her insecurities in herself scare the hell out of me that she shuts down. Both of our self esteems have taken a beating after her affair to the point I didn't care about my life and she would call herself degrading names. We support each other during these rough patches but sometimes I just want to ask her, do you really think Mrs. Lincoln enjoyed the play? I hope as time passes this gets a little easier and some self esteem returns for both if us. 2
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