"It's unfair to you."

[Scorpio Chick]

"This is unfair to you."

 

That was a statement made by the man I got involved in an inappropriate relationship with. Some might call it an 'emotional affair' but I don't, for which I will elaborate in a bit. That statement, which was made in the only phone call we ever had together, festered in my mind for about a week. I couldn't help but thinking about it. It didn't sit right with me.

 

The only reason he called me after exclusively emailing, then texting me, was because I got very irritated at the gaps in his texting responses. And on that note, it has everything to do with the fact that he's a married man and so naturally, cannot spend quality time with me. So, my way of thinking is...if the ONLY way we can interact is via text, then you better bring it. 15, 20, 25, 30 minute response times, for me, was getting unacceptable. And the very first time I said something of a sexual nature to him, because he asked me something and it was obvious what his intent was, right after I answered him (via text), nothing, for a little over an hour. AN HOUR. He responded one hour later, saying, 'sorry, I was just savoring your response.' I didn't respond. I texted him the next afternoon with a bs excuse for why I didn't respond, but the truth was, I was pissed. It didn't happen again, but he still took too long. I mean, if you're sexting, saying 100% sexual things, and you really are worked up, you're not going to respond until 15, 20 or almost 30 minutes later? So he did that one night, several times, and I finally said, 'please don't text me anymore.'

 

He didn't respond that night, but he texted me the next morning saying he was sorry, he was trying, and could I please understand, and that he wanted to call me. I responded that basically, I didn't want a charity call. He wasn't calling me anyway, so why call now. Anyway, I agreed and he didn't call me til the next weekend, saying his wife was going out of town that day. (Please. You're on a cell phone. It's mobile.)

 

I was excited to actually talk to him, to hear his voice, and we talked for a little over 2 hours. No gaps, no uncomfortable silences, a lot of giggling. No sex talk. But we brought up the subject of the fact that he's married. He said he'd thought about it all and he thought how it was really 'unfair to' me.

 

Well, why wasn't it 'unfair' to him? It's a good question. It's a fair question. Well, I figured it out pretty quick. It's not unfair to him because he wasn't the one being used, I was. But for HIM to say it, means he knew full well he was using me. He wasn't 'in love' with me. I really think all he wanted was just the little, cheap, (very cheap) thrill of sexting. A little escape from the boredom of his 25 year marriage. Nice, huh? Because you know what else?

 

About two weeks after we started this sexting, I get a text one night. Now, I had never brought up us getting together to meet. I wanted to let him initiate that. And he did. I get a text that said, 'I'm thinking it's time I go on a business trip if you know what I mean." Now, we barely discussed details. And he never said it again. But he brought it up, he said that, not me. Fast forward to his response email to me when I let him know I was cutting contact with him, and you know what he had the gall to say? He said he thought I 'understood' how difficult it would be for him to have a relationship, or how difficult it would be to get together. I wonder how I was supposed to understand that when he was the only one dropping big hints about getting together, the kind I guess that are good for stringing someone along.

 

Then the last two weeks before I cut contact, he told me to listen to two songs, and watch the video for one. They both made me cry. The first one was about a man and woman who aren't right for each other but they keep wanting each other. The video shows scenes of them making love. The other song was about how this guy keeps looking for this girl, that he's so in love with. It didn't help anything.

 

The nail in the coffin was when he was texting me one night, and because I had been thinking of cutting contact, I was a bit stand offish, and he could tell, and said as much. I denied it and said I was feeling bad, because I wasn't ready to let him know, because I hadn't quite decided. Then he said, thinking I meant I was feeling physically bad, that he wished he could kiss my forehead, blah blah. And he said it was the last text of the night. I texted back and asked him to call me and to talk dirty to me. No response. Dead air. Nothing. Fine. How stupid of me to forget, it's unfair to me, it's unfair because he's calling every damn shot. I'm sure when I sat there, checking the phone for a response, he may have been having sex with his wife. I never got a response that night.

 

He got a text from me the very next morning, that said I sent him an email. And my email was brief, I didn't explain too much, but made it crystal clear in a polite way, I was cutting all ties, forever. I can have determination of steel and I will not contact him, I know this with every fiber of my being. But I still hurt.

 

It's funny how people can tell you how they really feel about you without themself even fully knowing it or understanding it. But when he said 'this is unfair to you' it let me know he was willingly using me. He is the type to stay in a marriage to save face. He's got a very good life. I don't begrudge him that, but I have not. Did he care? Did he ever think, you know, Scorpio Chick's been dealt kind of a crappy hand with things, let's just pile on one more. And I won't feign to call what he and I had an emotional affair, because another reason I cut ties and realized he didn't give a rat's a$$ about me was that he never confided in me about one signifcant thing, other than to say that he has always thought about sex a lot and that he's a breast man. Wow. That's deep. But I did. I shared some very heavy things with him, very briefly. And all he said was 'I can't imagine the pain you've had to endure'. And about two sentences after that, he not so smoothly segued into talking about sex again. Nice. So, no, it wasn't an emotional affair even. And the very upsetting thing, I NEVER would have thought this guy would ever do anything slightly inappropriate, single or married. But now I know and I have to wonder, does every man cheat?

Edited May 27, 2014 by Scorpio Chick
Changing title

[GypsumSatellite]

Your post resonates with me. I always laughed at mine saying the "I'm not being fair to you" and "You deserve a H, kids, a life"... oh, so I can be like you? Unhappy, getting my extras on the side and being an all around ass? Oh, sign me up.

 

But mine eventually treated me better, took to courting me in a kinder way and we had better days. The true personality (the user) always came back in the end. It's good of you to put your foot down now, before it ever gets to in-the-flesh.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Sigh, your loser sounds like my loser.

 

As long as I was talking sex he was fully engaged. All of his responses were short fragments of a sentence. He enjoyed me and we talked more than sex such as art and other things, but Anything heavy, he would empathize, but he ran from anything about US or him. And he didn't share enough for us to really be satisfying. Communication was like pulling nails

 

I don't think that all men are scumbags, but many of these cheating men are probably influenced by too many episodes of Mad Men or James Bond and want some sort of arm candy to raise their ego. Or something. I dunno.

 

Good for you for having the emotional strength to spot a self absorbed person and creating boundaries.

 

Seeing your story as similar to mine makes me realize that I should have seen things more clearly myself. I wish it was ME that initiated NC rather than him and feed his ego even more.

Edited May 27, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[Scorpio Chick]

Thank y'all for your replies, it helps. I guess I'm still surprised because I never thought he was 'the type'. It's weird. I had him on such a high pedestal and the fact that he engaged with me in talk like that while married actually made me kind of lose some feelings for him.

 

It just hurts to know that knowing someone as long as he and I did, not that we hung out or kept in contact all throughout the years, but you would think, I don't know, that he would stop it. I already am untrusting of men, now it's a zillion times worse.

 

Maybe there were signs that cheating isn't a big deal to him. He never has his wife in his profile picture, never ever has. He didn't take her to the reunion, and most of the other men did take their wives. And she doesn't have a Facebook. I don't know, it just seems like if you're married, you'd at least one time have you and your wife in a profile picture together! There are pictures of them together, but never in a profile picture. I just think it's 'funny'.

 

I will continue to maintain NC, forever, but I seem to be suddenly doing worse after 7 weeks of it in regard to thinking about him and feeling overall bad about it. I know it will get better, I just wish I could be put in some kind of compression chamber like in Alien, where I could sleep until the exact amount of time needed to feel indifferent passes. LOL. I guess because I've thought about him a little bit throughout the years. Now there's absolutely nothing. Dead space. It's really sad. I used to joke a little bit through the years about him, because they all knew I had such a big crush on him in high school. Now I can't even joke about it or let them know what 'happened'. I know they would be shocked. I mean, he portrays SUCH a clean image. I don't know, just shaking my head.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[jwi71]

"This is unfair to you."

 

Well, he got that right.

The rest of your post was amazing.

Well put, succinct and on point.

That might be sticky worthy.

And yes, you can BET I'll be stealing some of that hard earned wisdom of yours.

 

But now I know and I have to wonder, does every man cheat?

 

No.

But all humans are capable of it. Even me.

[Scorpio Chick]

Jwi71, your last sentence is also what now bothers me, I was a willing participant. It's bad when you can't trust yourself either. It's just a bad situation all around.