GrandGrenwich Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Most of the time I get along well with my friends, but from time to time they make incredibly nasty remarks to me for no apparent reason. Recently, I was trying to chat to one of them, and they kept giving one-word answers - I said that they seemed quiet today, and they said, 'no, I just find you boring to talk to.' I think this is because of my unassertiveness, as I've never seen them behave this way towards each other - there's definitely something about me that invites it, as my family sometimes acts like this as well. Whenever they say these things I get angry and there's a strong sense that they shouldn't speak to me that way, but I have no idea how to respond and usually just let it pass. I'm quite mild so I'm not the type to go on a self-righteous tirade or insult them in return, and even if I was capable of it I don't want to stoop down to their level. I don't want to use the 'silent treatment' - it seems obstructive and immature, and the one time I tried it they didn't even seem to notice. The typical response here is 'just ignore them', but that's what I do already, and it gives the impression that they can say anything they like to me. I know that I shouldn't tolerate people like this as friends, but it wouldn't be practical to abandon them, as I have a very narrow range of interests and they're the only people I know who I have much in common with. So what should I do to stop being treated this way?
Cafe au lait Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) Wow, that is nasty answer. If you're sure they aren't joking when they say these things, then here's what I think: They don't seem to value your friendship much. You said yourself you're quite mild, and they take advantage of that. This is supported by the fact that they don't act that way towards each other. Are you a quiet person? This would explain why they don't notice when you use the silent treatment/ignore them. Solution: They might not even know you're angry if you're not expressing it outwardly. You need to be more aggressive. You KNOW that you don't deserve to be treated this way. Even though you think you're not able to go on a tirade/insult them in return, you definitely need to at least say *something*. You could half-joke like, "Gee, well I think you're boring too" or be sarcastic in a lighthearted way like "Haha wow, thanks so much for the compliment." Point is, you need to defend yourself, and only then will people respect you. Edit: I don't mean to be harsh, by the way, because they are definitely the ones in the wrong. But unfortunately, they'll keep on abusing you if you don't speak up- it's the way the world works Edited May 26, 2014 by Cafe au lait 1
preraph Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 If you let nasty people stay around, that's really on you. It's not about you being boring. It's about you feeling you don't deserve better, so I'm saying low selfesteem. Everyone is supposed to have a filter. Once people cross a line, you're supposed to throw them out of your life, not let them stay around punishing you. I know you can't just turn assertive overnight. But you probably would benefit from some therapy with a psychologist to find out why you are too tolerant. This trait could really get you in a bad dangerous relationship sometime. 1
Lani Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Wow, that is nasty answer. If you're sure they aren't joking when they say these things, then here's what I think: They don't seem to value your friendship much. You said yourself you're quite mild, and they take advantage of that. This is supported by the fact that they don't act that way towards each other. Are you a quiet person? This would explain why they don't notice when you use the silent treatment/ignore them. Solution: They might not even know you're angry if you're not expressing it outwardly. You need to be more aggressive. You KNOW that you don't deserve to be treated this way. Even though you think you're not able to go on a tirade/insult them in return, you definitely need to at least say *something*. You could half-joke like, "Gee, well I think you're boring too" or be sarcastic in a lighthearted way like "Haha wow, thanks so much for the compliment." Point is, you need to defend yourself, and only then will people respect you. Edit: I don't mean to be harsh, by the way, because they are definitely the ones in the wrong. But unfortunately, they'll keep on abusing you if you don't speak up- it's the way the world works I have to disagree with the above phrasing.. that passive aggressive crap doesn't get anyone anywhere (sorry Cafe au lait!) If they're being jerks, you tell them straight up. I have the same friends I've had since highschool (11 years after graduation) because we don't beat around the bush. If I'm being an irrational b*tch, they'll tell me so. And vice versa. By letting them get away with saying nasty things you're allowing them to treat you that way. I'd respond with something more like 'Well it's kinda hard to interact when you're being such an ass. I'm done with you saying nasty sh*t to me.' And walk away. It will probably be difficult for you, but I promise you'll feel better for it in the long run. They'll either apologise, or they won't. If they don't, doesn't that say something about them?? 4
lollipopspot Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 they said, 'no, I just find you boring to talk to.' ... Whenever they say these things I get angry and there's a strong sense that they shouldn't speak to me that way, but I have no idea how to respond and usually just let it pass. "You're saying that you find me boring to talk to. I feel hurt and angry when you say that to me. I need to feel valued by my friends. I would appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that again."
Cafe au lait Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I have to disagree with the above phrasing.. that passive aggressive crap doesn't get anyone anywhere (sorry Cafe au lait!) If they're being jerks, you tell them straight up. I have the same friends I've had since highschool (11 years after graduation) because we don't beat around the bush. If I'm being an irrational b*tch, they'll tell me so. And vice versa. By letting them get away with saying nasty things you're allowing them to treat you that way. I'd respond with something more like 'Well it's kinda hard to interact when you're being such an ass. I'm done with you saying nasty sh*t to me.' And walk away. It will probably be difficult for you, but I promise you'll feel better for it in the long run. They'll either apologise, or they won't. If they don't, doesn't that say something about them?? Well, I think being aggressive like you say is great, but OP said himself that he doesn't think he's capable of insulting them in return. Perhaps work in steps, try being sarcastic once and then next time, step it up and flat out say "Stop making a**hole comments towards me"? Additionally, Lani, I get the sense that OP isn't that close to his friends, unlike you and your friends you've known for 11 years. It's a lot easier to be straightforward to people you know well. With people I don't know as well, I prefer maintaining some semblance of politeness.
Lani Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Well, I think being aggressive like you say is great, but OP said himself that he doesn't think he's capable of insulting them in return. Perhaps work in steps, try being sarcastic once and then next time, step it up and flat out say "Stop making a**hole comments towards me"? Additionally, Lani, I get the sense that OP isn't that close to his friends, unlike you and your friends you've known for 11 years. It's a lot easier to be straightforward to people you know well. With people I don't know as well, I prefer maintaining some semblance of politeness. I agree with the first part of your post.. But the second.. I don't know. If they can straight up be honest like that, then why not return the favour? And should you not commence as you intend to continue? If you want friends you can be brashly honest with then act that way. If you don't, then perhaps these friends aren't the right ones...? 1
Lipitor11 Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 These people don't sound like your friends at all!!! If I were you, I would ditch them and try to make some new friends. You need to stop stressing over this. Heck, I've finally ditched all my friends that would be rude towards me, small, catty comments really piss me off, so I just so-good-bye, see ya later. I honestly would rather have no friends than have friends that wouldn't treat me right. Its sooo frustrating to deal with. 1
Taramere Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) I have to disagree with the above phrasing.. that passive aggressive crap doesn't get anyone anywhere (sorry Cafe au lait!) I liked Cafe au lait's post too, but just not that part. I think my response would be "I find this boring" in a curt way that couldn't possibly be construed as an attempt at light hearted banter, then I'd get my coat and leave. I'd leave it to them to make contact following that, and if they did I would be quite happy to put the incident in the past unless there was a repeat of it. Otherwise, time to move on. That might sound passive aggressive too, but I think it's just laying down a very clear boundary regarding what you're prepared to put up with. Most of the time I get along well with my friends, but from time to time they make incredibly nasty remarks to me for no apparent reason. Recently, I was trying to chat to one of them, and they kept giving one-word answers - I said that they seemed quiet today, and they said, 'no, I just find you boring to talk to.' I think this is because of my unassertiveness, as I've never seen them behave this way towards each other - there's definitely something about me that invites it, as my family sometimes acts like this as well. If you're quiet and lacking in assertiveness, then it could well be that you're regarded as being at the bottom of the pecking order. Three main choices are obvious. You stay at the bottom, or you get more aggressive in order to raise your status within the group or you leave the group altogether. The fourth option is to stay friends with them, but not participate in any status jostling and refuse to let anybody draw you into it. So for instance, if you try to make conversation with somebody and they give you a one word answer, stop immediately. If an awkward silence ensues, let it ensue. Zone out, but don't take responsibility for trying to get conversation going with somebody who doesn't want to talk. Don't forget too that sometimes if a person has a lot on their mind, they might not feel like talking....and if you keep pushing for them to talk, they're going to get irritated. That you kept asking them questions, even when they were giving you one word answers, suggests to me that you might sometimes miss social cues. If, in the situation you were talking about, your friend was upset or preoccupied with something it could be that you were causing genuine irritation by your continual attempts to get a conversation going. Even in that situation, I think getting up and leaving is an appropriate response to somebody saying "you're boring". You don't excuse that kind of rudeness just because somebody's pre-occupied and anxious. Edited June 3, 2014 by Taramere
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