Lyn77 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I've been thinking this over for a while. Have any of you ever ended a relationship when there wasn't an obvious reason to do so? Just based on your intuition? Not all relationships are perfect, but I think I just sabotaged one out of my own fear. He was my friend and lover, very loyal and honest to me. When we were together though, I would leave feeling frustrated. I think I fell in love with him too soon and recognized he may not be able to give me what I need. He was quite hurt. I cannot contact him again and interfere with his life. He asked me not to. I just hope moving forward, I don't make the same mistake. I've had years of experience now being in my thirties, that I don't want to prolong a relationship that may not end in marriage. I guess I need to be open to all types of relationships and not jump ship. I have to face reality that I may not get married again. (Scary thought though) I feel heavy regret and pain. This man was a great guy and friend. It's hard to let go of a relationship where nothing bad really happened. Hard to find closure in this case. Any suggestions for moving forward? Anyone been through this? ♥
gaius Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Sure, you feel guilty because you're basically throwing someone who was very good to you in the garbage. But it has to be done. You can't fight what your body wants, it will always win in the end. A lot of that will go away once you find a new person to focus on. Just eat a lot of ice cream and try to keep yourself busy until that happens. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Not all relationships are perfect, but I think I just sabotaged one out of my own fear. He was my friend and lover, very loyal and honest to me. When we were together though, I would leave feeling frustrated. I think I fell in love with him too soon and recognized he may not be able to give me what I need. Could enlighten us how you sabotaged the relationship? What was it he couldn't give you? Any suggestions for moving forward? Focus on yourself. Revisit your hobbies, pick up a new one, hangout with friends, exercise (helps with stress), and take it one day a time.
Leeway Harris Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 He was quite hurt. I cannot contact him again and interfere with his life. He asked me not to. ♥ Are you sure? It sounds like you're not over this, and there's a chance he's not either. You may still have some things you need to say to each other. Just a suggestion. 1
HappyLove Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I'm guessing you felt he would never marry you? What didn't you like about him? 1
halfcrazed_i Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I've always been a big believer in intuition. If deep inside you, you know that it will never work out (even though you can't quite explain it for now), then don't regret your decision of letting him go. You're just feeling rather guilty for hurting him right now. But believe me, if you stayed with him, you will just feel resentful and unhappy. Let yourself heal and give him the space that he needs. It hurts you because you did love this person at one point. Big hugs! I do hope that you find that one person who can fulfill you wholly. 2
DArtagnan2 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I've been thinking this over for a while. Have any of you ever ended a relationship when there wasn't an obvious reason to do so? Just based on your intuition? Not all relationships are perfect, but I think I just sabotaged one out of my own fear. He was my friend and lover, very loyal and honest to me. When we were together though, I would leave feeling frustrated. I think I fell in love with him too soon and recognized he may not be able to give me what I need. He was quite hurt. I cannot contact him again and interfere with his life. He asked me not to. I just hope moving forward, I don't make the same mistake. I've had years of experience now being in my thirties, that I don't want to prolong a relationship that may not end in marriage. I guess I need to be open to all types of relationships and not jump ship. I have to face reality that I may not get married again. (Scary thought though) I feel heavy regret and pain. This man was a great guy and friend. It's hard to let go of a relationship where nothing bad really happened. Hard to find closure in this case. Any suggestions for moving forward? Anyone been through this? ♥ Ive been on his side before, so am looking forward to reading the replies.
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I am fearful before getting into a relationship ....cautious.......and observant........if i have to end a relationship it is always irreconcilable differences.....never out of my own fear.......when it has been an ending with a good guy it is has been because i could not come between family to stay......my past would have caused a rift between them...i wont do that to any guy.......he would have married me and i loved him......he treated me so well...he knew my history......he loved me more.......little things he did i will never forget...covering my hand with his linking his fingers in mine like my hand was precious...crap .....stopping............but his mother was strict catholic and had just lost her husband......she needed him to be there completely for her...... more than I did,even though i hadnt been shown a love like his before....i know now what it means to feel it......the mum was bereft with grief...he would get angry if she wanted him to stay and not go on dates with me she would want him to take her to the husbands grave all the time....he was her only son.......it was not born in fear i left but just love for him and his mum i just couldn't do the rift thing......it felt wrong.......and i was completely torn....he told me to please come back if i ever needed him or changed my mind.....i never did.....and i never married.............i never contacted him again..... never leave out of fear.......take the risk .....or you will never know.....or the chance of a love that shines true might not be yours....everyone deserves to have that....you need to think and feel that you deserve a chance at that kind of love......deb 1
Author Lyn77 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I'm guessing you felt he would never marry you? What didn't you like about him? Exactly. He made it clear in the beginning, I can't blame him or say he mislead me, because he didn't. I guess it's for the best.
Author Lyn77 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Thanks for all your replies and insights. I know I need to move on. I am really struggling. I had a lot of solitude to think it over this weekend. I can't stand by being his lover/friend, with no chance of it evolving into more. For some odd reason, he has this idea that he doesn't want to get married until after age 40 and that monogamy doesn't exist. In a guy's mind this just means they want to sleep around and play the field, I get that. So what did he expect me to do? Continue sleeping with him and hanging out while he's shopping around? Maybe if I were in my 20's this arrangement would work, but I have to do what's best for me. He thought we could just be platonic friends, but I can't turn my emotions off. My friends tell me to continue seeing him and "see what happens" but that hurts too much. Because what if 4 years from now, he still doesn't want to commit. I don't want this to be me giving him an ultimatum either, I am just peacefully acknowledging that we can't be "together" and letting him go. I made the mistake of falling in love with him, but I didn't intend to. Sometimes people just aren't ready for each other yet. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 For some odd reason, he has this idea that he doesn't want to get married until after age 40 and that monogamy doesn't exist. Some people are jaded. I've learned to avoid those people. You won't change a guy's mind on something as big as this. If he doesn't believe in marriage and monogamy, he doesn't. Maybe he's cynical and will get over that someday. But that will take time, and it will have to come from within. The guys I've had relationships with who wanted marriage were up front and unguarded about that from the start. Now I don't even bother with guys who trash-talk marriage, monogamy, commitment, love. We're on totally different wavelengths. I suggest you move on, and next time pass over any guy who has an incompatible view on relationships. 2
HappyLove Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Sounds like you made the absolute right decision. Nothing more pathetic than a woman who stands by a man who doesn't want kids when she does. How sad that must be to give up such a huge desire and part of life. Do you know who would never stand by and not have kids if their partner didn't want to? MEN! I find it's 99% of the time women who give that up. If a man has a strong desire for children he's going to do his best to have them! You have every right to go after what you want. I would absolutely not compromise this! This is what you call a deal breaker. Next time as soon as someone you meet tells you he doesn't want kids, don't bother wasting your time! You're not getting any younger and your friends are crazy for pushing you to hang in there! When a man tells you what he wants or doesn't want BELIEVE HIM! Unfortunately as a woman you have a certain time frame if having biological children. Who has another 3, 5, or 10 years to wait on a man who told you that's not what he wants?! Will you definitely meet a man who you'll ride off into the sunset with 2 kids with? Maybe maybe not, but at least you have yourself a chance. At least your going after something very important to you. It's normal to feel regret at first but you have to admit you two are NOT compatible. I haven't even touched on the fact that he doesn't believe in monogamy! He's just a player who's gonna go through life using desperate women and on to the next. This guy isn't even husband material. You did the right thing! 2
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 hey lyn, i really hope when you look back on the struggle in your future, how hard it was to move on for you, that you look into the eyes of a child or children that could not have been otherwise, children you might have missed out on had you stayed or gone back, and your future mornings are to wake up to the father of the child or children with his arms wrapped around you and to know he loves you and only you,....the struggle then will all be worth it;.......in fact you realize it was necessary because you will never let go of what you have been blessed with or gone through struggles to still believe in and hope for .....and now that happiness can begin to be closer to you even though you are struggling , one day at a time...just one day closer....than yesterday....hugs....deb 2
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