xtymorgan Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 So I've already posted my story under "To Leave or Not to Leave". But here's the nutshell version. H is having an EA (at least - he says it's not sexual but I doubt that highly) with OW he met on Facebook. I've seen texts from him to her saying he loves her. He moved out in April but still comes around and spends the night here and makes love to me 2-3 times per week since leaving. No lectures, I already know how stupid this is...if you want to remind me how stupid I am, post that under my other thread please. My question is not as to whether or not i should continue to let him come over...that is being discussed under my other thread. The answer is no, I should not let him come over and I should pull a 180 on him. Received that message loud and clear. Here's my current question. I have her phone number because she gave it to me in one of her vicious FB message she sent me bragging about their affair. I've been fantasizing about sending her a text message telling her all about how he's still coming around and how we're still intimate. I'm pretty positive she doesn't know that. I mean, she knew it early on but I get the distinct impression he's told her that he never sees me anymore...at least not like THAT. I even screenshot text messages he's sent me (sexts and messages about spending the night and making love) for possible future use. I know it's not healthy but it's just something I've been contemplating for a couple weeks now. I'm hoping it will piss her off so bad that she'll dump him. Problem is...it will almost definitely piss him off so bad that I'd lose him, too, in the process. There was a time early on when she and I were messaging back and forth on FB and it pissed him off so badly that he made me promise I'd never message her again and he told her the same thing. I guess part of me thinks, if I can't have him, neither should she. But I know it will piss him off so much that even if I was successful in ending their affair, he'd probably not come back to me...at least for a long while. Of course, there's also the possibility that she wouldn't leave him. She might get pissed but they're so "in love" that it might just cause an argument and then they'd move past it and he'd just leave me once and for all then I'd have pushed them into each others' arms even further. I know this is petty. I am keenly aware of that. But I'm hurting here and it doesn't seem fair to me that he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Of course, it's on me, I know, to end things once and for all but as I discussed in my other thread, we've been together 12 years and he raised my girls since they were two. I just can't imagine my life without him in it. He says he still loves me and he seems disinclined to sign the final divorce papers. I think he can't make up his mind on exactly who he wants. So that's why I'm fantasizing about ratting him out to her. It may end things with us but I'd get so much satisfaction out of knowing that I ended his affair...or at least it would hurt her at a very minimum. After all, she has hurt me tremendously. Doesn't she deserve the same? Even if it meant we never got back together. Thoughts?
painfullyobvious Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 You should be less concerned about other woman and more concerned about yourself. If you want to reconcile expose. I know I've been there too. The 180 is a good idea but add no contact to the husband as much as possible. There is no reason for him to make any decision about either of you if you both continue to be intimate with him and not make him choose. This man is getting the cake and eating it too. Next time he comes over lay down the ground rules and expectations for your relationship. Do not allow yourself to be used in such a manner. 1
Scorpio Chick Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) You can bet every last dollar you have he's telling her y'all don't sleep together. Or if he admits to it, he's going to play it off to her like he's doing it because he feels guilty. Pfft. Anyway, he's cheated, so he's a liar. Cheating one time, as in, sleeping one time with someone you honestly fell in love with *could* be counted as a mistake, but after one time, it's a choice. Included also are sext messages and phone calls. Once is a mistake. More than once, even twice, is a choice. Adults don't get to use the 'it's a mistake' more than once, IMO. I think you ought to accidentally dial her number RIGHT before the loving begins. Why not? You can know OF something, but there's nothing like hearing the proof of it, or seeing it. You can wrestle with a thought, but you sure can't unsee or unhear something. He's going to try to have his cake and eat it too. Let's not let him. I like that saying you don't hear too much anymore, all's fair in love and war. While you're on here asking if you should do something regarding HER, the woman who screwed your husband, SHE'S not having ANY regard for you, obviously. Edited May 26, 2014 by Scorpio Chick 4
Author xtymorgan Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Scorpio, That's so funny. I really have thought about "accidentally on purpose" calling her before we started or recording it and sending it to her. I have pictures he's sent me while sexting (if you know what I mean) and thought about sending them but then again I don't want her looking at that part of him, even though I'm sure she's seen it by now (although he swears it's not a PA, just an EA). It's like an obsession in my mind - wanting to fill her in on all the gory details. I know that's not what I should be focusing on right now, but I'm only human and I want her to suffer at least a little bit as much as I have. Let her know what it feels like to be "cheated on". I can tell by the texts I have read on his phone (he locked it but I saw him enter his code once) that she really loves him so I'm sure it would be devastating for her to know we're still being intimate. The only reason I haven't done it so far is because I know it will drive him away. But everyone tells me I shouldn't worry about that because I need him out of my life either way. I'm telling you - it would just give me so much satisfaction to hurt her back. 1
eleanorrigby Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I would cut off the sex with the husband telling him that you don't feel comfortable being intimate with him anymore now that he has a new relationship and that she is probably unaware of the continued sex. Tell him the sex can continue if he informs his OW of it and gives you proof. You just want everyone on the same page. 2
Spectre Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) I won't lecture you, but I will say why not just divorce? Why play all the games? Let me tell you something: you don't need to break up your H and this other woman. Why? Because she is the type of woman who gets with a married man, you think the relationship will last? Let me tell you, if you leave your husband there will be no fairytale happy ending for him and his home wrecking other woman. Also yes quit sleeping with your H. I won't lecture you on this either, but especially if you feel he is being physical with this other woman, why give it up to him as well? He can go be with his skanky OW. Here is what I would do: don't expose it to her, leave him..cut off the sex, and watch his relationship with her fizzle out on its own. If by some chance it doesn't, then expose him. I only say to wait on the exposing because the best payback you can get is letting his relationship with the trampy woman fizzle and he will definitely be hurt and most likely regretting what he did. Whereas if you expose now then he is just going to hate you and then in his mind that will help him try to justify what he did. I realize this is petty, but the OP has admitted she is being petty so..yeah. I'd just let him go and watch his relationship fail, and then if it doesn't spring your evidence. Otherwise you realize you and this OW are basically both in a relationship with your H. She provides the emotional part, you provide the physical part. Are you honestly okay with that? Edited May 26, 2014 by Spectre 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 The problem is, if you send those texts and call her, he's going to tell her that he's just manipulating you to get what he wants out of the divorce. It will cause a fight and hurt her, no doubt. I completely understand the revenge fantasy but these things rarely turn out like you expect.
BetrayedH Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 You are treating your husband as if he is the prize. You're mistaken. YOU are the prize. 11
violet1 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 No, don't tell her because it will just cause more drama in your life. Like others have stated, focus on YOU and not the OW. Chances are the OW is just a rebound chick. He's enjoying two women fighting and pining over him. Stop giving him power. Your taking bread crumbs from him. Don't let him decide who he wants. You decide for him. Refuse to be an option for him as long as he's seeing another woman. I know you love him, but he's not the man who you fell in love with anymore. I'm assuming the man you fell in love didn't have a wife and gf right? What he's doing to you is cruel and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Best wishes, be strong, you don't need a man like this in your life. Even if he did drop the OW and only want you, how would you be able to trust him again? It's his lack of making a decision and stringing two women along that bothers me. 3
excusememister Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 H is having an EA (at least - he says it's not sexual but I doubt that highly) with OW he met on Facebook. I've seen texts from him to her saying he loves her. He moved out in April but still comes around and spends the night here and makes love to me 2-3 times per week since leaving. I think your doubts are right - he is having a physical affair with the shank OW. He didn't move out of his home to go and have an EA with a women he met on FB. It's more than that - to translate - he is having sex with her. I'm deeply sorry for you. But I wouldn't contact her. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. As others have said, I would concentrate on "you" - on taking care of yourself. I read on your other thread where you didn't allow him to make his "booty call". Good for you. Make your self unavailable to him. Don't take his calls. Or if you have to take his calls, don't answer right away and wait about an hour or 2 to call him back. Let him think that you are busy and he is not a priority. Let him see what's it like to miss you. Good luck!!! 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 he is having a physical affair with the shank OW. Assuming this means 'skank' OW rather than 'shank', I am trying to figure out why she is the only one getting the insults and negativity. OP, your H is the one who broke your vows - why aren't you mad at him? You have been (before) sleeping with him and fighting for him like he's some kind of wonderful prize and instead wanting revenge on the OW and to cause her pain. Why not cause HIM pain? I will never understand why BS's take these scumbag men back. 2
violet1 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I will never understand why BS's take these scumbag men back. This is just my opinion, but I believe it's because the BS is blindsided and in shock. When I found out that my H cheated on me I reacted very similar to the OP. I was so madly in love with him and I honestly never thought he would do this to me. I was shocked, depressed, and my self confidence took a major dive. My H (live in bf at the time) moved out and immediately started dating the OW. Yet, he kept a lot of stuff at our place so he would have a reason to see me at his convenience. He would come over 2-3 times a week and we would have great sex. I thought having sex with him would bring home. Looking back, I handled everything wrong. I finally told him enough was enough, me or her. It was causing me too much pain. He immediately chose me and moved back in. Sometimes, I wish I just would have let him go completely at that moment. I honestly was so messed up emotionally. I thought we had a great relationship. I was so blindsided and I wasn't ready to let go. I'm not saying my H is scum, but his behavior sucked. Love is very powerful. I understand why it happens, but it's different when you're the outsider looking in. It's no different than the BS not understanding why the OW can't get over it. What's ironic is that the OW is often blindsided too when the A ends. This is why A's just suck. They cause so much pain to everyone involved. 3
lovinDKT3 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Assuming this means 'skank' OW rather than 'shank', I am trying to figure out why she is the only one getting the insults and negativity. OP, your H is the one who broke your vows - why aren't you mad at him? You have been (before) sleeping with him and fighting for him like he's some kind of wonderful prize and instead wanting revenge on the OW and to cause her pain. Why not cause HIM pain? I will never understand why BS's take these scumbag men back. The OW in this situation doesn't deserved to be defended. Rubbing the OP's nose in the affair is very low class. In general I agree the focus should be on the betrayer. 3
Lani Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Haven't read all the responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating someone, but... Why would you lower yourself to her level? That kind of behaviour only makes you feel like an ass in the longrun. Move on.
violet1 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 The OW in this situation doesn't deserved to be defended. Rubbing the OP's nose in the affair is very low class. In general I agree the focus should be on the betrayer. I agree! I'm willing to bet that the OW's behavior fueled the OP's behavior. The OW in my case was smeared in my face as well. It brought this weird feeling of taking back what I felt was mine. I was willing to fight. It's weird because this behavior is so unlike me. I thought I was fighting for my relationship, but instead I was feeding his ego. He loved two women fighting over him. Never again will I fight another woman for a man. I will not put myself through that pain again. 3
Beechy1973 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 OP. Your actions suggest you have no respect for yourself, which is probably why your husband started an affair in the first place. You actions since (continuing to sleep with him) will have made him respect you even less. Your queries about whether you should inform the other woman - no class at all, and ultimately (you guessed it) will make his respect for you decrease even more. I mean no disrespect by this response, and I know you have stated that this thread is not about this, but please focus on yourself, draw a line in the sand and get some deserved respect from this badly behaved spoilt spouse of yours. I've been where you are and I know it's not nice. You get so desperate to meet the other person's needs thinking it will help keep them, but you neglect your own completely and lose so much dignity and self-respect along the way. When you have put some distance between yourself and what's happening, likelihood is you will look back and feel ashamed and sad for how you have been. Start today. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 The OW in this situation doesn't deserved to be defended. Rubbing the OP's nose in the affair is very low class. In general I agree the focus should be on the betrayer. I didn't defend the OW. She's acting horribly. Where did you get that? Nor would I ever rub someone's nose in an A. I'm sorry my post hit a sore spot with you. I just think he's a worse skank or male equivalent of it because of what he's doing to the OP, and he deserves the vitriol just as much or more.
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