foreverbroken Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Sorry for the length I have been affected by depression for almost four years now. I wasn't even aware of it until he came into my life. I knew I had some kind of problem, but I just could not figure it out. I told him about it before we started dating of course, because I did not want to put him in a situation where he is in love with me but finds out that I am actually suicidal. He accepted it well since he had some flaws of his own, and we started our relationship. I am a former model, so I had to travel sometimes. I spent a month in Tokyo, a month at home in between and another two in Tokyo again during our relationship. He was absolutely fine with it because most of his good friends are all long distance anyways and we skyped every day and I even wrote him letters. He convinced me to get help, and so I went to the doctor a couple months ago. She diagnosed me, and I started on Celexa. Celexa may have ruined this entire relationship. Maybe. (Celexa is an anti depressant). Celexa was a terrible choice for me. The side effects were horrible but I clung on to hope because I know these pills only start to work after a few weeks. I had one week of happiness. Then s*** hit the fan. I thought about suicide even more than I did without the pill, I hurt myself and that hurt him. I started smoking (quit after a week) and I tried to drink away the pain. I couldn't switch my medication because Celexa is actually illegal in Japan or something. He kept telling me he was too strong for this to affect him and I asked him countless times if he was still okay. I told him several times that if this gets too difficult, to tell me and we can either work on it even harder or we can separate. He never once uttered a word to me about it. When I came home, I quit Celexa and started Wellbutrin. It has been about 3 or 4 weeks on it now and I can't even tell you if it's working or not considering the fact that I just went through and am still going through agonizing pain of being dumped by the one person I loved with all my heart. I was getting better day by day. I was still negative a lot, but I also made sure to try to look at positives and made sure he knew I was working hard at it. Our relationship was amazing. He was always there for me, and I was always there for him. He met my parents (which is a huge deal because they're very strict Russians(haha)), and we even started planning our future. We were so sure that we were going to last. No doubt about it, at all. He was the very first person I had sex with. We thought about it for 1-2 months before because he wanted to be sure that I am the last person he will do it with, and I wanted to be sure I really truly loved him. We both ended up with the appropriate answers, and it happened. I trusted that he was sure. A month later(now), I had to go to Russia to see my relatives. The day before I left, everything was great. We saw each other, said goodbye and off I went. I arrived here and automatically something felt terribly wrong. Like we somehow disconnected. I assumed it was just the distance so I brushed it off and decided I was overreacting. A day went by, and I still felt wrong. I decided to ask him about it because I was worried. He ended up telling me that he was confused. I was in shock. 2 days ago, we were amazing. Now, he is somehow confused. He didn't know if he wanted to be in this relationship anymore. I was very very VERY confused considering I never did anything to harm him and always took care of him etc. Just nothing was wrong, you know? I told him that I will give him some space and time because I didn't seem to be helping with clearing his head. Three absolute s*** days went by. I didn't eat, sleep or talk to anyone. I forgot to take my Wellbutrin one morning, and I never do that. In the 3-4 months I took Celexa, I had never missed a single day. On the third day, he messaged me saying he still did not have answer. Did not have an answer? Are you serious? I just went through all of that pain, for a "I dont have an answer". I couldn't take it anymore. He said he wanted to wait until I got home to see me and maybe it would help him. I told him that I did not know if I could wait 10 more days because I was in a lot of pain. Not only the pain from my daily depression, but this over top of it. He broke down crying and skyped me and promptly left me saying he did not want me to be in pain anymore and that he has decided. My whole world fell apart. I tried to be strong. I asked him twice if this is what he really wanted, and that I could maybe hold out until I got home (at this point I was going to do anything to save it) but that it would be painful. He stated that this is what he wanted, and that he wanted a fresh start. There goes the love of my life. The reason? Hell if I know. He said that he did not like the fact that I had no dream. Mind you, my dream I had for six years was obliterated a month ago, so how in the world am I supposed to have another dream so fast? Our relationship lasted less time than his did with his psycho ex. He also said that he didn't think anything he was doing was helping me, so ultimately his reason was "I don't think i'm right for you". He told me he fell out of love with me. That's what hurt me the most. How can someone who claimed to love me so much, so easily fall out of love with me? I cried and am still crying every morning at my breakfast table, every afternoon in my shower, and every night in my bed. Well hey, at least I can cry myself to sleep (look at me being positive... kind of). A small part of me, has hope. I personally think hope destroys us. But what can I do? I can't help it. I hope that when I come home in 5 days, that he will take one look at me (I have to give him some stuff back that he left at my house) and sweep me off my feet again and tell me he regrets the decision he made. Doesn't that sound bats*** crazy? **I am aware that he could have found someone else, but that is highly unlikely due to the person I know he is and how he views girls and relationships. I wrote this because frankly, I don't have many friends. People just are not attracted to negative. Especially when I traveled, my 'friends' dropped like flies. So I am hoping someone can help me cope or tell me something. Anything at this point. I am destroyed, and am currently building walls so high that no one will get over them again.
Elle1975 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Anti depressants if you need them are fine, however they should be hand to hand with therapy. Are you seeing someone? Maybe your constant need for feedback pushed him away? I don't know exactly how you guys interacted. You said it yourself, people aren't attracted to negative, so I'd work on that. When you give his stuff back, try and don't look like your whole world has ended the day he broke up. And then, walk away (that's the hard part).
jbelle6 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I have had very much luck with the Wellbutrin, I hope it works for you too, sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get the meds right, agree about therapy as well. It is possible that he's seeing someone else, when it's sudden like that and they fell out of love that quickly I usually find it comes out that they met someone. You were traveling a lot so it's really possible. If you have to see him to drop off his things then just be confident, try really hard not to cry, just be light and hand them to him and leave. Don't beg or linger there, it will push him away more and you will feel horrible about yourself after. I'm going through a crappy breakup too, it was close to 3 weeks ago now, I know it's really hard.
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