Almond_Joy Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, just venting/reflecting..... Me and this ex have been broken up for nearly 4 years. I've been in a better relationship for nearly 3 of those 4 years, still am. I've had urges to snoop but have wisely talked myself out of doing so because the last time I did it, it really threw off my recovery. Well I thought I was secure enough to not be bothered by whatever I find. I was wrong. He's engaged, the fiance seems lovely. They're an adorable couple. I immediately shut down after finding this out to try and process my reaction and get back to happily living my life as it is, but haven't been able to manage it. It's only been a day, but after 4 yrs I don't think this should have happenned at all - the snooping or my reaction to what I foun. My current relationship is good, and I know love feels differently with each new relationship, as you mature. But this was the first true love. So it's extra special, and I miss it so much sometimes. All the moreso because it seems pretty certain that I'll never have that kind of love again. I think I still wish we'd met under different circumstances. He was in a bad place mentally and emotionally when we were together. He seems better now, and it felt like on his end our time together was thrown out with all the other bad sh*t he was dealing with during that time. Another reason I think I'm still so drawn to him is because he perfectly embodies my image of masculinity, whereas my current bf is kind of a metrosexual man child. He can be mature but he often acts like a big kid. It's hard for me to have a strong emotional attachment when I don't see natural behavior resembling a confident, mature man that identifies with traditional masculine behavior. I'm disappointed in myself for snooping, and for comparing my bf to that ex. If I had met anyone like my ex since then, I think it would be easier not to feel like I lost something I'll never have again. But I haven't. I've met no one with the persistence, ambition, passion, spirit of service, ability to motivate and support without enabling dependency, and capacity for expressing love that this ex has. And I admired all those things about him and more. I do know I'll never f*****g do this again. Whatever I lead myself to believe, it doesn't seem like I'll ever be ok with confronting the fact this dude's not in my life anymore and never will be again. Knowing that still hurts alot. Thanks for reading if you did. The day seems pretty sucky with this on my mind. I'm trying to let it go..just not there yet. Edited May 26, 2014 by Almond_Joy
mattny Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 It takes time. Im in the same boat. You might have felt true love but I guess he didnt? Same scenario for me. Ive changed some of my ****ty ways and improved greatly. I was out of a job and in and out of temp jobs for the better part of a year and a half. And she still left me. Do I miss her sometimes? Yeah. But leaving me at my darkest time, out of a job, no $ in the bank, struggling to pay bills and you want out instead? Sure Ill forgive you but I cant take you back after all that. Dealing with a lot of baggage (family and friend related drama) poisoned our relationship a bit as well. We were two good people, brought down my circumstances and it just wasnt meant to be. Be happy for him. The same way that I cant be mad at the new guy for dating my ex. I dont know him. Yeah hes loaded. But he could be the kindest and sweetest guy in the world. I know nothing about him but its not my concern. 2
learning_slowly Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I agree with mattny. I'm really down lately, mainly because I did things which helped end the relationship with my ex. She dumped me but we both did things wrong. But we have to try and get past it. I'm actually watching 'Bad Granpa' at the moment and its stupid, but is making me laugh and taking my mind off of it. My ex slept with me after she had got with her new guy ( she let me know there was somebody new, but said they were not having sex yet). I only found out because I got a rash. But my point is she thought I was the one and managed to move on with this other guy in the end. She complained about him at first, being boring, not attracting her etc, but in the end she chose him. So you to might change your outlook on your new guy. If you don't think its possible, its best to split asap, so you can both have more time to find partners more suited to you. Also, I know lots of couples that look perfect from the outside, but in reality are far from it. So your ex's might look great, but really it could have lots of issues.
Author Almond_Joy Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Thanks for sharing. I am happy for him, that he found what he's looking for. He's a remarkable guy and definitely deserves a fulfilling love life. It just makes me feel....not good that his presence is not in my life at all. We can't even be friends because of the way he handled the breakup. There's a quote....I forget the author....that goes along the lines of "There are people so radiant, so genial, so kind, that their presence is like a beacon in the night." And I know it sounds....extravagant. But he was a beacon for my spirit. Just being around him flooded me with warmth. I was excited about life and it was so awesome to be with someone who shared that excitement. I want people in my life excited and grateful for life and love. Sounds kind of hippie-ish, but that kind of attitude motivates me to be my best and give my best. It's a huge bummer to strive for excellence and want to challenge yourself when everyone around you is happy with getting by. It's also isolating. I never felt like a black sheep with him. He just.....got it, and lived it. And seeing him live that way motivated me to live that way too. I felt like I was a more generous, understanding, open, and courageous person with him... I know all that's still in me, and I'm not bad now, but.....yeah. I miss that. Just hurt rambling lol. 1
Peacock_Tail Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I wouldn't like to be in your current boyfriend shoes. 3
Els Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Well I thought I was secure enough to not be bothered by whatever I find. I was wrong. He's engaged, the fiance seems lovely. They're an adorable couple. I immediately shut down after finding this out to try and process my reaction and get back to happily living my life as it is, but haven't been able to manage it. It's only been a day, but after 4 yrs I don't think this should have happenned at all - the snooping or my reaction to what I foun. I don't think there's anything wrong with normal curiousity, if you're over the person already. I check up on people on my FB every now and then, ex or no ex. But your reaction to seeing that... well, that's the part that is concerning, IMO. My first ex has kids now, with an older woman. Two kids, in fact. I've known that for a while because we maintained a basic acquaintanceship. It didn't bother me or affect me at all, in any way. But then again we've also been broken up much longer than you two have (I think it's been 8 years). Still, might be good to think about why this is affecting you so much when you're in a (presumably) happy R right now. Another reason I think I'm still so drawn to him is because he perfectly embodies my image of masculinity, whereas my current bf is kind of a metrosexual man child. He can be mature but he often acts like a big kid. It's hard for me to have a strong emotional attachment when I don't see natural behavior resembling a confident, mature man that identifies with traditional masculine behavior. I'm disappointed in myself for snooping, and for comparing my bf to that ex. If I had met anyone like my ex since then, I think it would be easier not to feel like I lost something I'll never have again. But I haven't. I've met no one with the persistence, ambition, passion, spirit of service, ability to motivate and support without enabling dependency, and capacity for expressing love that this ex has. And I admired all those things about him and more. This is REALLY worrisome. Not blaming you or insulting you - just concerned for you. Are you truly in love with your current bf? Are you attracted to him? 1
Author Almond_Joy Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Hi Elswyth, I appreciate your responses when I post - they always help me to assess things from a good perspective. This reaction made it glaringly obvious that I'm not happy, at least not consistently. I do love my bf and I believe he loves me, but I am not emotionally fulfilled. He shows no natural inclination to develop emotional depth or intimacy either. I think that I thought I was OK because I've been so caught up with work and other things that I think that part of me just kind of shut down - I had neither the time or energy to feel emotionally isolated lol. I am wavering on attraction. I cannot get turned on by a dude that seems more interested in: -Watching TV or cartoon movies -Playing video games, or -Dicking around on his phone most nights than in getting in some QT with their SO :-/. So....that's that. On the occasions he does "tune in" to the relationship things are good. It's just not consistent or as frequent as I'd like. Nor is it particularly enriching emotionally as I already mentioned. I still believe that me and my bf can have a natural, healthy intimacy that is fulfilling for both of us if we keep working at it. Sort of a "repeat it until it's a habit" approach. But progress comes in baby steps, and I'm left feeling unfulfilled until we get to that point. Again, hate to compare, but this was just not a problem with this ex. We were so in tune, expression came naturally and felt right. We often remarked on how happy and loved we made each other feel. I didn't realize until the relationship was over how important that is to me. And though I've told my bf how important this is to me.....it just doesn't happen, or is forced when it does. It just makes it hard sometimes to keep working at it day to day. And times like now, when I'm reminded that there was a time where someone just "got me" on that level...it stings, sparks sadness and loneliness. That's why I snooped - to see him expressing love the way we used to do to each other. I saw it and I want it again, and I'm trying to get it back. It's just hurts a lot to do without it, and I miss it.
Els Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Hi Elswyth, I appreciate your responses when I post - they always help me to assess things from a good perspective. Happy to help. This reaction made it glaringly obvious that I'm not happy, at least not consistently. I do love my bf and I believe he loves me, but I am not emotionally fulfilled. He shows no natural inclination to develop emotional depth or intimacy either. Hrmm, okay. So this whole ex thing is really just a symptom of the larger issue, it seems. But progress comes in baby steps, and I'm left feeling unfulfilled until we get to that point. Again, hate to compare, but this was just not a problem with this ex. It's very, very hard to force compatibility - and you know this, from experience with your ex. If it doesn't come naturally, it may never come at all. And even if it did, if it involved too much change on one person's part, that would probably breed resentment. Also, if you've been with this guy for 3 years and you have never experienced 'that' sort of fulfillment with him, it may be worth reconsidering your R IMO. If nothing much has changed in 3 years, it's highly unlikely that there would be a drastic change later on. Edited May 27, 2014 by Elswyth 1
Author Almond_Joy Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 The bolded seems to contradict itself, don't you think? I mean, his hobbies are what they are. If he were doing them excessively then you two could compromise by cutting back, but if you don't find most of his hobbies attractive at all... that's your prerogative, but it doesn't seem like something that he can (or should?) change. I agree. He is who he is, and I'm not implying he should change. I'm just 50/50 on being cool with him as he is. Half the time, I can relate to being into simple things like that (I watch many a cartoon movie myself, and play video games, and play on my phone just to burn time). And the other half I'm so irritated with the complacency, the lack of desire to do anything but hang out, that it sours the whole relationship to me. It's very, very hard to force compatibility - and you know this, from experience with your ex. If it doesn't come naturally, it may never come at all. And even if it did, if it involved too much change on one person's part, that would probably breed resentment. If you've been with this guy for 3 years and you have never experienced 'that' sort of fulfillment with him, it may be worth reconsidering your R IMO. Yes....again I agree. I've broached this problem with him before...but have only once indicated a dealbreaker, and that was specifically about sex. He's well aware that something's wrong with me and he's asked me twice if we're OK. ....I'd like to hear yours (and others') weigh in on whether I should share all this with him or just broach the emotional disconnect's a dealbreaker, without mentioning the ex at all. I feel terrible for shutting him out like this, especially after having hounded him about being more open with me. I just felt it was cruel to blurt out "I'm missing my ex." 1
Els Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 And the other half I'm so irritated with the complacency, the lack of desire to do anything but hang out, that it sours the whole relationship to me. You're both child-free, yeah? When was the last time you went out on a proper date together? He's well aware that something's wrong with me and he's asked me twice if we're OK. ....I'd like to hear yours (and others') weigh in on whether I should share all this with him or just broach the emotional disconnect's a dealbreaker, without mentioning the ex at all. I feel terrible for shutting him out like this, especially after having hounded him about being more open with me. I just felt it was cruel to blurt out "I'm missing my ex." My opinion is that you should share the emotional disconnect, not necessary to mention the ex unless he specifically asks about the ex. 2
Author Almond_Joy Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 We've been eating out together more often and hanging out with friends. Maybe I'm too focused on the end goal instead of appreciating the day to day things more. We had a really nice night together, it felt less stilted...this almost always happens when I start second guessing whether I should stay. Thanks again for your responses. The urge to think about my ex is gone, and if it does come back again I know now to assess my relationship first instead of getting carried away with romanticizing an ex. 1
Yasuandio Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I totally relate to your feelings. I would just die if I learned something like that after me being married to him and being in the partnership that made the business success after 27 years." It would be all theirs, and I was just dumped aside acted working all my life. And I must depend on alimony the business makes - and with that, I cannot re-marry or co-habitate. It seems unfair - but if I had not gotten him in business there would be no money coming to mr know. I weighed that option when we bought the restaurant. The only solution I can think of is to NOT KNOW - and it is too late for you on that count. For me, my dream would be to leave the state - but I own two homes outta the settlement. The next solution is to grow and evolve. Abd that is a big pill to swallow. It was already mentioned by a previous poster - "Be happy for them." You don't sound like you are there yet. So - I recommend you stay as far away as possible. You seem still too sentimental about this guy - therrefore, you are not indifferent, and it is giving you less than a positive feeling. The new guy seems like an unsatisfactory rebound, which may be preventing you from going forward and finding a mate you prefer. Those are my thoughts. Man, I hope I never have to hear an announcement like that. I would like so gag. Yas
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