Is it "OK" to not date for a while after a breakup?

May 26, 2014

A lot of advice stresses that it is important to go out on dates with other people after a breakup.

Well, I've done that with three people; 1, 3, and 1 date(s). It hasn't helped me "move on" (if anything, it's done the opposite).

I feel like not dating is "losing," and letting my ex "win." But, at the same time, I'm not in the mood. And while it isn't fun being single, I've lived that life before and know how to exist with a modicum of happiness, keeping myself busy with activities. Unfortunately for me, the only thing that can get my mind off breakups/being single is getting obsessed with hobbies of mine

I know from experience that time does heal, but my timeline for such things moves at a snail's pace.

So anyway, if there's nothing wrong with me focusing all of my energy on my golf game this summer, then that's what I'm going to do.

May 26, 2014

Take the time to focus on what's important to you. If you don't want to date, don't date! You should not base your self worth on your ex, what they're doing, who they're doing. It doesn't have anything to do with you, because... hello, they're not talking to you or give a hoot about what you're doing. So why should you feel the need to compete with them?

In a break up, you "win" by being happier without your ex. And happiness is defined by YOU.

Personally, I don't seek out dates. If I'm asked out, I will go, just to see what happens. But I don't feel the need to rush anything at the moment, so I'm living life, one day at a time, how I want to.

Here's an article that you may enjoy and give you something to think about.

A dating hiatus is a healthy, empowering break, not a prison sentence! | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

May 26, 2014

I took a break for almost a year, and it ended up being really good for me. You learn a lot about yourself when you choose to be single.

May 26, 2014

I've honestly never been single since I was 16 so I should probably take time. I hate it though. lol

May 26, 2014

The opinions on this topic are very contradicting. I've read tons of articles and some state "Take your time and heal from the last relationship" while others say "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else"

Personally, about a month after my ex left, I started seeing/dating a guy. At first it was a distraction. At first I wasn't comparing or so I thought. Yet every time we hung out, the first thing I wanted to do is check my email/facebook and see what my ex was up to. I soon began to realize that I was rebounding and it made me feel even worse than I initially felt at the beginning. I found myself starting to compare, and everything this new guy did seemed to be a red flag - I was projecting my previous experience onto him and knew that it was doomed from the start.

Everyone is different. Some people are able to move past exes quickly, while others basically have to let time do the work. Even almost 5 months after the breakup, I still have a hard time accepting that I will possibly spend my life (or another 4 years if I'm unlucky) with someone who I haven't even met yet. It's a little exciting but more scary as my mind and heart are conditioned around my ex still.

If you can just date and not have baggage/expectations then go for it, but the majority can't do that.

May 26, 2014

I've honestly never been single since I was 16 so I should probably take time. I hate it though. lol

I think that is very wise of you to spend some time alone. It'll be good for you and help you grow significantly as a person.

May 26, 2014

I feel like not dating is "losing," and letting my ex "win."

It IS kind of like your ex wins if you feel like you have to date in order to feel good about yourself. If you are doing something you'd rather not do because of your past relationship then that seems to me to be losing rather than winning!

May 26, 2014

You are what you are - you heal at your own rate andin your own time, so give yourself a break.

I used to write on this board under the name 'Thunder Child' and am 15 - 16 months after a really nasty break (after 5 years she cheated and got pregnant by someone else). Only now am I starting to consider dating new people.

In those 15-16 months, I worked on me. I've worked on my literary career: gotten two new novels published (and have a further 2 in production), I also have another novelunder consideration by a major publisher and a literary agent! I've hit the gym and lost over 3 stone in weight - a work still in progress. I've joined various social groups: taken up ballroom dancing, joined a pub quiz team and gotten back into my old Red Cross group.

Last month, one of the mutual friends (of myself and the ex on Facebook) 'accidently' posted a pic of her with the sprog. Strangely, I felt very little. I know that she has already lost her job (I suspect from pilfering the petty cash), so life isn't a bed fo roses for her - hiopefully, karma will adda few more bites for good measure.

Now, I'm in a much better place - with many thanks to the guys/gals on this board for their advice and support.

So, I have my eye on several potential dates. There's no rush, no hurry, no hassle.

Take your own time!

May 26, 2014

If it makes you feel worse to date - then you aren't ready to move on from that person yet.

And that is OK.

I personally have gone on 3 dates - and even had a post BU fling (understood as such by both parties)

I'm not ready to move on from the person I love yet.

I do have some sort of foolish hope that we both may learn from our mistakes and grow and have a shot at what we imagined we wanted.

I'm just busying myself.Crochet - Charity - Gym - Live music with good friends.

I figure when the time comes I'm truly ready to move on from the PERSON and not just the RELATIONSHIP - I will know and it won't feel like such a chore.

Hope this helps.

May 26, 2014

Well, it seems on this forum, the overwhelming message is to "move on" after a breakup. I get that.

But there are two parts of that: (1) Not showing overt signs of not being "over" the relationship, and (2) Actually being over it.

Most people here encourage "no contact," worrying about your own life, etc. So it is one thing if you don't ask to get back with your ex or even contact them at all, and do things for yourself, but it is quite another to actually be to the place where you have moved on.

But anyway, I think (I know, at least at present) that in my case the "alternative" to get my mind off the situation is no relationship whatsoever, with anyone, for the near future.

Kind of like the one poster said above, going on dates with other people just actually ends up making me think about my ex more, because someone else is across the table who is not my ex. It's like, not going to "the table," if you will, is maybe the best thing right now.

This would all be easier if I was one of the "alpha" types out there who had basically anyone to choose from, but the thing is I'm not. And from the pool of people I have, the ones I actually like and feel comfortable with are few and far between (perhaps one every two years).

May 26, 2014

A lot of advice stresses that it is important to go out on dates with other people after a breakup.

Well, I've done that with three people; 1, 3, and 1 date(s). It hasn't helped me "move on" (if anything, it's done the opposite).

I feel like not dating is "losing," and letting my ex "win." But, at the same time, I'm not in the mood. And while it isn't fun being single, I've lived that life before and know how to exist with a modicum of happiness, keeping myself busy with activities. Unfortunately for me, the only thing that can get my mind off breakups/being single is getting obsessed with hobbies of mine

I know from experience that time does heal, but my timeline for such things moves at a snail's pace.

So anyway, if there's nothing wrong with me focusing all of my energy on my golf game this summer, then that's what I'm going to do.

To date or not to date after a break up is a personal decision. I don't think there is a period of time set in stone during which you should remain single.

If you feel that golfing the summer away is what you need, then do just that.

May 26, 2014

It's fine to take time away from dating.

It was 7 or 8 months after a breakup that i went on another date. A year after breakup, I"m still single

Ive done rebounding before. I'll pass this time!

May 26, 2014

Depends... Do you want to struggle, heal, learn and grow as a person? Or do you want to just feel better quickly and get a lot of your wants and needs from another person, eventually repeating the same behaviors that are bringing you here today??

May 26, 2014

This would all be easier if I was one of the "alpha" types out there who had basically anyone to choose from, but the thing is I'm not.

That's a bunch of BS. You don't need to be an 'alpha'!! You need to be strong and confident. You need to value yourself. You need to see worth in yourself. You need to set boundaries. You need to identify and execute your wants and needs. Is this easy? No. But nothing in life worth doing is easy. Take some time to learn, heal and grow as a person. I have some book titles that might be of interest to you...

May 26, 2014

When my first relationship broke down, I didn't date for 3 years. In that time I had plenty of offers, but while I was flattered, I never accepted any dates. I just didn't feel ready.

After 3 years of no interest in dating, I met someone. We got chatting and eventually he asked me out. And it just hit me that I was ready. That date actually blossomed into a relationship, which sadly also broke down just last year. And although it has only been just over 10 months since that breakup, I know I'm ready to start dating again.

There's no rush, and dating isn't necessary. Healing is the most important thing. You'll know when you're ready.

May 26, 2014

It is a difficult question. My ex is very attractive and I don't doubt that if she wanted to she could find someone new pretty quickly. Like others have said, I don't want her to 'win' in that way. I also think there's no point in waiting around for the pain to die away completely, because that might be months away- or even years. I hate the idea that by the time I'm properly ready to get back into dating I might be a little too over the hill for it.

At the same time, I tried throwing myself into online dating a few weeks ago and it didn't work out. I got a boost to begin with, getting a few numbers and even going on a date, but nothing came of any of it. I can't help but think that's because I'm not dating for the right reasons, I'm dating to escape the pain I'm going through. I think I'm going to take a break from it for a few weeks. The downside is that I'm now completely confronted by the resurgent heartache that I'm feeling.

All I can say is that you should definitely look at dating, maybe even go on a date or two, but you shouldn't feel that you're now in the 'dating mode'. You can dip in and out as much as you like. But even if you do end up meeting someone you like, it's not going to erase the sadness you feel. Cliche maybe, but only you can do that.

May 26, 2014

That's a bunch of BS. .

I'm guessing you don't understand where I'm coming from. Being 5'6", having early balding, and making below 100K a year leave me with very few options.

Do I have a bad attitude? Yeah maybe, but tough **** b/c I work out and have a nice physique but any woman in similar shape as me and with same interests is not looking for someone like me.

You want BS? BS is cracking lame-ass jokes on a date, and pretending to be some kind of playful gentleman when you have little to offer to the other person. Sorry, but for the modern woman, showing up and being polite isn't enough. Everyone wants to feel a "spark," they want to be swept off their feet like a princess in a Disney movie.

Like I said, I don't have that many options out there. And finding someone I like a lot and am comfortable with is something that happens only once every 2-3 years, or more. Odds are not in my favor as each year passes.

May 26, 2014

You are making yourself a victim. We all have problems. I'm 5'9" (not exactly tall) and shave my head as my hair has been leaving me for the last 10 years. And 100K per year? Not even close. But I still know I have value. I have confidence (well, it's returning after my BU anyway ). And I know I am a good person with something to offer. Women pick up on that. If you walk around feeling sorry for yourself, you're done before you even start...

Go back and read post #13 of this thread. It makes even more sense now after your reply above... or just throw your hands in the air, give up and blame everyone / everything else. Fine with me. Leaves more women for me!!

Edited May 26, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

May 26, 2014

You are making yourself a victim. We all have problems. I'm 5'9" (not exactly tall) and shave my head as my hair has been leaving me for the last 10 years. And 100K per year? Not even close. But I still know I have value. I have confidence (well, it's returning after my BU anyway ). And I know I am a good person with something to offer. Women pick up on that. If you walk around feeling sorry for yourself, you're done before you even start...

Go back and read post #13 of this thread. It makes even more sense now after your reply above... or just throw your hands in the air, give up and blame everyone / everything else. Fine with me. Leaves more women for me!!

For the record, my dating scene is limited to "online," and in such contexts my physical stats preclude me from responsive communication, let alone actual dates, 98% of the time (even before "attitude" has anything to do with anything... you know, the phase when you are reduced to photographs, occupations, and physical stats).

Anyway, this last relationship wore down any vestiges of confidence I had in myself.

My ex asked me to cook for her. I told her I was a terrible cook, but that I knew how to make pasta and pasta sauce, and that I would pick up some meatballs from a pizza place and add them to the pasta I made. She said she would be less appreciative, and didn't want me to cook for her if I didn't make everything from scratch.

I once asked her what she liked about me... she said I had "a job and a car."

When I met her family and asked what they thought, she replied: "they tried hard to find something wrong with you and found nothing wrong with you."

May 27, 2014

For the record, my dating scene is limited to "online," and in such contexts my physical stats preclude me from responsive communication, let alone actual dates, 98% of the time (even before "attitude" has anything to do with anything... you know, the phase when you are reduced to photographs, occupations, and physical stats).

OLD offers all types of women. Maybe you are pursuing the wrong type. Luckily, many women aren't too hung up on physical appearance and status. Try again!!

Anyway, this last relationship wore down any vestiges of confidence I had in myself.

Join the club...

My ex asked me to cook for her. I told her I was a terrible cook, but that I knew how to make pasta and pasta sauce, and that I would pick up some meatballs from a pizza place and add them to the pasta I made. She said she would be less appreciative, and didn't want me to cook for her if I didn't make everything from scratch.

I once asked her what she liked about me... she said I had "a job and a car."

Sounds like an immature, self-centered gold digger. I think maybe you dodged a bullet. Why would you even want to be with someone like this?? Next!!!

When I met her family and asked what they thought, she replied: "they tried hard to find something wrong with you and found nothing wrong with you."

Well, there ya go. Sounds like a lot of these are your problems with yourself.

May 27, 2014

Sounds like an immature, self-centered gold digger. I think maybe you dodged a bullet. Why would you even want to be with someone like this?? Next!!!

Because she was not boring. And I felt comfortable with her. And she did things I like to do, and had the cash to do it.

And she was very tolerant of some things other women aren't (not like bad things, but...)

Also, the "superstition" factor was too big with this one. Bizarre coincidences, and too many of them.

May 27, 2014

I think going on dates is a bad idea, anyway.

That's more for a distraction from the pain of a breakup. Usually, most people just feel worse. Cause naturally, you're going to compare that person to the ex and of course they are not and could never be.

It's one of those weird things that will just make you think "Oh I'll never love again!!!" but that isn't true.

Of course it hurts to be broken up with and not having someone else trying to woo you or what have you but there's nothing wrong with dealing with the feelings first and dating later, when you've recovered and can view new partners more objectively and not against the yardstick of an ex.

May 27, 2014

Well, you seem to have an answer for everything. You are justifying and rationalizing the fact that she was bad for you and treated you poorly. It's like you are determined to feel bad and at fault.

Not sure what other advice can be offered to you...

May 27, 2014

I'm guessing you don't understand where I'm coming from. Being 5'6", having early balding, and making below 100K a year leave me with very few options.

Do I have a bad attitude? Yeah maybe, but tough **** b/c I work out and have a nice physique but any woman in similar shape as me and with same interests is not looking for someone like me.

You want BS? BS is cracking lame-ass jokes on a date, and pretending to be some kind of playful gentleman when you have little to offer to the other person. Sorry, but for the modern woman, showing up and being polite isn't enough. Everyone wants to feel a "spark," they want to be swept off their feet like a princess in a Disney movie.

Like I said, I don't have that many options out there. And finding someone I like a lot and am comfortable with is something that happens only once every 2-3 years, or more. Odds are not in my favor as each year passes.

Are you and Somedude bffs?

Tough **** for who? Certainly not for anyone responding to your fairly hostile posts..we have no dog in your fight. It's mostly just tough **** for you if you have a bad attitude because it's repelling women. And also for anyone who actually does agree to go on a date with you. But lucky for them, they only have to deal with your bad attitude for the length of time it takes them to slurp down their drinks and have the valet pull their car around.

Dude..it's not easy for ANYONE to meet someone. We are ALL here because we got dumped and are (or were in my case) sad about it. Some of us are tall, some are short, some are pretty, some are ugly, some are rich, some are poor..etc etc etc..diversity, you get my point. But I can tell you that having a ****ty attitude sure isn't going to help you.

May 27, 2014

It's like you are determined to feel bad and at fault..

Yeah, that's what the breakup process with my ex resulted in. She took responsibility for nothing, apologized for nothing, and just said I did everything wrong.

(and this attitude was present for the whole relationship)

She told me to not raise my voice, ever. Whatever, but then she would raise her voice and yell, and when I called her out on it, she said: "I'm not raising my voice; I'm changing my tone."

She went and told all her friends and family my personal stuff, and she says they all think I have problems.

I spent $400.00 on dinner on a vacation, didn't thank me, but then went on and on about how her friend's husband payed for a cheap-ass mexican meal for a birthday, and she was all thankful.

Yeah, I felt very under-valued. I mean, at face value, if I sucked it up I might still be with her. Life is short, I'd have a partner, and she could fill a void for me while I was filling a "male role" for her. Oh well, all relationships/marriages aren't magical, are they?

A relationship is a basic need, like a job. Do we quit any job that isn't perfect, or do we suck things up and get our paycheck? The benefits of a relationship are the "paycheck" in life. Some get payed more than others. Some have better jobs than others.

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Is it "OK" to not date for a while after a breakup?

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