jalfy Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) I posted awhile back in LS. Basically ex broke up with me 5 months ago. Initially he wanted to give the relationship another shot, but because I screwed it up with my bugging and did not respect his need for space, he decided to shut the door of reconciliation. Right now, he's very very angry with me and I don't know why. He started being cold towards me in March when we promised to go NC for 3 months, but I broke it. When I contacted him twice later on via text and phone, he broke down, saying that I've hurt him much and he was very afraid of me (he even hyperventilated when he thought he saw a girl who looked like me). Last April, I asked him if he meant it when he said we could give it another try after he has healed, but he told me that he never ever want back. He said he has no more feelings for me and he had enough. He blocked me off all forms of communication. Today I broke NC and I called him using my office phone. I asked if we could meet face to face. We then correspond over email where he asked me the agenda of the meet up and he doesn't feel comfortable meeting me if he doesn't know my agenda. He sounded really guarded. I told him that my agenda is to reconcile as friends. He hasn't reply me on whether he agrees to meet but I am mentally prepared that he will reject it. I know my mistakes and I am not expecting us to get back together. I've apologised so many times and though he said he forgive me, I don't know why is he acting so cold and guarded towards me. People said that the opposite of love is indifference. I don't know if this is considered indifference. I've read online that exes get angry because they are emotionally invested and the mistakes that the other party make will be magnified, hence anger is the easiest form of feeling to cope. Advice/thoughts anyone? Update: He said he doesn't have enough information to make a decision and he is not ready to meet, hence he does not want to meet. SIGHHHHHH Edited May 26, 2014 by jalfy
bubbaganoosh Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I think he's trying to tell you in a polite way that he doesn't want to see you and it's over so if I were you, I would leave it be and move on. Sounds like he still has wounds that haven't healed yet and by meeting with you will reopen them. 3
Author jalfy Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 I think he's trying to tell you in a polite way that he doesn't want to see you and it's over so if I were you, I would leave it be and move on. Sounds like he still has wounds that haven't healed yet and by meeting with you will reopen them. Yes I told him clearly in the email that I've accepted the breakup and I'm not intending to ask for a reconciliation as a couple, but only as friends. In the past he was the one who really wanted to be friends but I didn't want to. If he has wounds, doesn't it mean that he still has feelings?
Grumpybutfun Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) For whatever reason, he feels he must move on and you must respect that. Of course he has feelings, but it doesn't mean he is able or desirous of having a relationship with you. Sometimes the drama a person brings far outweighs any emotional connection which is what it sounds like here. Bubbaganoosh gave you sound advice, so I will just add that this is a great learning opportunity for you to learn how to reign in your emotional responses so that you don't smother or overwhelm your bfs in the future. Learn how to have relationships based on respect, kindness and calmness. Most guys, unless they are extremely immature or have a dysfunctional family history do not appreciate any kind of theatrics or drama. Be calm, be fun, and have enough self esteem to not keep pursuing them when they say they are finished. Being friends is not going to make things any better if you still have hope for more which you obviously from your post, have. You say one thing, but your post indicates that you still want a relationship. Friends don't worry about their ex having feelings. Good luck, Grumps Edited May 26, 2014 by Grumpybutfun
Author jalfy Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 For whatever reason, he feels he must move on and you must respect that. Of course he has feelings, but it doesn't mean he is able or desirous of having a relationship with you. Sometimes the drama a person brings far outweighs any emotional connection which is what it sounds like here. Bubbaganoosh gave you sound advice, so I will just add that this is a great learning opportunity for you to learn how to reign in your emotional responses so that you don't smother or overwhelm your bfs in the future. Learn how to have relationships based on respect, kindness and calmness. Most guys, unless they are extremely immature or have a dysfunctional family history do not appreciate any kind of theatrics or drama. Be calm, be fun, and have enough self esteem to not keep pursuing them when they say they are finished. Being friends is not going to make things any better if you still have hope for more which you obviously from your post, have. You say one thing, but your post indicates that you still want a relationship. Friends don't worry about their ex having feelings. Good luck, Grumps Thanks Grumps. Yes I guess i'm conflicted inside. On one hand, I really don't see how we can get back together because our issues are not resolved yet, and I'm contacting him because I know my mistakes and want to make amends (I feel really guilty for the things I've done towards him). On the other hand, I'm concerned whether he has feelings for me, because I don't believe that what we had was fake, and it doesn't make sense to me that he said he has no feelings, yet he's so cold and obviously still holding a grudge towards me.
Survivor12 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Why wouldn't he hold a grudge? Why would he trust you when you say that you just want to be friends? He broke up with you and you refused to respect his wishes and continued "bugging" him...then you agree to leave him alone, but you break NC. And, even after he told you vehemently how much he wants you to leave him alone, you ignored him again!!! What part of LEAVE HIM ALONE do you not get??? He doesn't CARE that you're sorry. He doesn't want to hear your apologies and excuses. What he wants is for you to stop contacting him. And after all that, you can't understand why he is ANGRY??? He's had you repeatedly harassing him for 5 MONTHS!!! Whatever you did that hurt him has been buried under the frustration and torment you've subjected him to and your behavior has likely destroyed any feelings he ever had for you. It's simple. The reason you can't get back together has nothing to do with resolving your issues--you aren't getting back together because HE DOESN'T WANT YOU BACK! I am sorry to be so harsh, but you really need to hear this. You need to get help in learning about boundaries and building some self-esteem. As it is, you are in deep denial and need professional help in overcoming it. I urge you to make getting it your first priority so you can save yourself (and your ex) even more torment. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Thanks Grumps. Yes I guess i'm conflicted inside. On one hand, I really don't see how we can get back together because our issues are not resolved yet, and I'm contacting him because I know my mistakes and want to make amends (I feel really guilty for the things I've done towards him). On the other hand, I'm concerned whether he has feelings for me, because I don't believe that what we had was fake, and it doesn't make sense to me that he said he has no feelings, yet he's so cold and obviously still holding a grudge towards me. What did you do to him that hurt him so bad. Now I'm thinking (and I could be wrong) that maybe you cheated on him. Is that what happened? If so, then I understand why he's avoiding you because that kind of pain doesn't go away for a long time................if that's what happened.
Author jalfy Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I didn't cheat on him. I guess Survivor is right, that he's hurt because I didn't respect his desire for space and he had enough, though I stopped bugging him in feb and only contacted him 5 times from march to yesterday. In feb things were still going on fine but it came to a point that he was asking himself everyday if there was a possibility of getting back together, but he decided not to because he didn't trust I could change aka no space. But later on he decided to try again by setting a timeline of 3 months of NC before resuming friendship and making a decision. I called him weeks later to tell him that if he intended to place me as a backburner, id rather call it off. He said that he didn't think it would work out either because he still couldn't trust me, but if I want to try again, I could...after he's healed. But he broke down later on because of some misunderstand where he thought I took his words out of context. I texted him weeks later to apologize but he broke down again saying that he was afraid of me and I hurt him too much. I emailed him weeks later to ask if he still meant what he said about trying again after he's healed but he said he never ever want back. I called him weeks later and when he heard it was me initially, he was flustered and angry that I called him. He called me back later to tell me calmly that with the way things went there's no way we can get back together and that he has no feelings. But actually at that point of time I already accepted the breakup but wanted to ask if we could be friends because I know he wanted it (he was always emphasizing before that he believed in keeping the friendship). But I didn't manage to tell him because he was rattling off on the phone. Which brings me to yesterday when I called because I wanted to ask him some stuff that happened in October and to try to reconcile as friends and initially he said okay,but later on said he's not comfortable and not ready. I replied with an okay and we'll meet when he's ready then. Truth be told I really didn't expect that a person can have such an adverse reaction towards a lack of space. I didn't cheat or do anything to betray him, so do I really deserve that amount of detest from him?
mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 OP I think you need to back off for a while. The more you push the more he is going to withdraw. Give him some space to feel different. I think he does have feelings for you still but give him the chance to miss you 1
Author jalfy Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Okay I feel really bad saying this but...I called him again yesterday. I wanted to ask him if he told his best friend about me (cos I don't like it). I told him it was me and I had a question to ask, and he said he was in a meeting. I promptly ended the call (instead of my usual 'when can we talk? blah blah'). He emailed me an hour later asking me what do I want, and that he didn't like it that I used unknown numbers to call him. I didn't reply his email because I figured that there wasn't any point asking that question, and I didn't want him to use that opportunity to hurt me. And also perhaps he'll see that i'll be able to survive well without the need to reply to everything that he says. But now I'm afraid that he'll be offended that I didn't reply. Should i reply or leave it?
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