When having to see 'the ex' still hurts

[acrosstheuniverse]

Here's the TL;DR and I don't expect anybody to read the longer version: the thought of seeing ex bf still hurts like hell, but I'm going to bump into him at some point in the near future for certain. How do I go about erasing the pain so that I can handle it?

 

Hi, I just want some advice on how to move forward, or maybe just a) reassurance that I'm normal or b) some sense talking into me. I'll try keep it brief.

 

From June - November 2013 I was in a relationship with a man I met online, I fell very much in love and he claimed to same. However, in November he dumped me after getting a new, busier job. He said he was panicking because he didn't have time anymore, it was really hard for me to understand you know? He was promoted to working a full-time job plus 90m commute each way, in addition to having a demanding dog he was having to get up at 530am to walk and same on an evening. I wasn't demanding, and I was busy myself, but it seemed to me like he just felt it was love, when really it was infatuation. And when it wore off, it dumped me. He swore blind he loved me but that it was too difficult and we'd only end up hurting one another to continue. After a week of back and forth texts here and there, and him dangling the odd carrot of reconciliation (which I wasn't sure I wanted due to self preservation) I realised it was broken for good, deleted his number, blocked him online and moved on. I managed to completely erase him from my life, never bumped into him, I never messaged him, never stalked him online, deleted all of the memories.

 

I function best in breakups by going total NC and it worked for me. I met somebody in January, and at the start of February this year we started a relationship. It's going really well, we seem really good for one another. I couldn't be happier.

 

My ex was seemingly a bit of a commitment phobe (he had never had a serious relationship before me), a stoner (which I found really hard to tolerate and would have definitely broken us in the end from my side even if he hadn't have left me then) and not a nasty/bad person but it really did hurt when he dumped me. Hurt like hell but I moved on fast and got my stuff back together, and wiping him worked.

 

Anyway, my new boyfriend is a musician and very active in the local music scene, and it turns out the ex now has a job with the local studio that puts on most of the gigs in our city. He's a sound tech now. So in a nutshell, he's going to be around a lot and bumping into him is going to be inevitable. This weekend for example, my bf was playing a gig and I realised just before I was setting off that my ex was going to be doing the sound tech (he was tagged in a pic on the studio's page on my facebook). I didn't end up going, I wasn't ready and I knew I'd just bring the night down.

 

A month ago ex texted me basically telling me he'd gotten this sound job, and was working down my street so it seemed inevitable we'd bump into one another so if i wanted to clear the air that'd be good. I ignored it because I didn't want to bring him back into my life in any way and feel that pain again. I also didn't think it would be that likely I'd see him. But yesterday, after realising that I definitely will see him around I figured it'd be the least painful course of action to text him, saying 'Hey, I hear you were doing sound for 'bf' last night, seems we will have to see one another at some point so best to clear the air I guess. How did you get the job at the studio?' he replied saying he thought it was a good idea, and we batted back and forth four or five messages just catching up on how our work life was, really superficial. Last night a few people were going to the bar he was doing sound at and I just couldn't go, I didn't feel comfortable or ready. Which panics me, what if I just can't become ready, I'm scared of the pain when I do have to see him and be around him. I can't bear to be in the same room as him.

 

The only thing I can imagine that will take this worry away is meeting with him for coffee at some point, purposefully, so that I know it's coming, I can prepare it, and then when I bump into him randomly at gigs it won't be such a massive shock as the first time is bound to be. I don't want to feel like I'm limited as to where I can go in my own city just because of my own emotions that I'm doing my best to fight. But obviously I am scared of that too. I know he'd be happy to do that. For what it's worth he has no idea any of this still affects me, after the week we broke up he never heard from me again and the texts yesterday were superficial. He even joked to my new bf when they had to work together 'oh I bet you've heard loads of bad stuff about me' trying to break the ice I think. They got on great.

 

So what do I do? My boyfriend knows the situation and is remarkably understanding. He knows it's got nothing to do with me not being over the ex, I just struggle to process the pain I think, surely it's natural to want to be as far away as possible from someone that hurt you. But in real life you can't avoid it and I'm sad that he's been brought back into my circle. My boyfriend's ex is also in the music scene so he knows what it's like, sometimes you have to be on the same bill at a show but if possible it's much nicer to just avoid them all together. I've been really badly hurt a few times in my life by relationships and family, and had a lot of loss, and it's probably hitting me harder than it would have done if this was the only time I'd ever experienced being hurt. I know it happens to everyone. I'm not like this with all exes either, this is the only person that bothers me like this, I have cordial to friendly relationships with every other ex, it wouldn't and doesn't bother me to see them down the street or be in the same bar, some I'm friends with and still see socially in circles, maybe it's just because this one was so recent?

 

Anyone got any thoughts? My best friend said I'm not being stupid or ridiculous, and that it's natural to still hurt this soon (less than half a year later) even if you ARE happy with someone else. She said that time is the only healer and I think maybe she's right, like I say none of my other previous relationships hurt me, and they were obviously before this guy. But unfortunately I can't have time anymore. I feel like he's invading my life even though he has every right to do anything he wants, and he did try to avoid it hurting me too much by reaching out to warn me a month ago.

[salparadise]

I think you should pay attention to the thoughts that trigger the fear and see if you can identify specifically what you are reacting to. I'm wondering if your residual feelings aren't more about having been rejected than the person. When you say that none of your previous breakups hurt you, could this because you were the dumper rather than the dumpee? Being the dumpee often leaves people feeling like there is unfinished business. Perhaps he symbolizes the humiliation you suffered. Why not go ahead and show up at gigs and try to normalize by getting used to the exposure.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi, universe, sorry I'm late, just got your pm, have been crazy busy doing Memorial Day stuff with Navy pals. First of all, yes, this is completely normal. From what I am reading, it seems like three things are going on here. One is that being the one who is dumped, you still aren't really sure, exact reason why, you were dumped. Two is that you were told one thing, that you were loved and wanted and then shown something entirely different such as him being too busy, too afraid of commitment which naturally is confusing. The third which is the most important is that you have little to no closure on any of this. He wasn't honest or you would feel more peaceful with your NC.

If you do decide to have coffee, which I think would be productive, ask only the things you need to know. Make sure your questions are succinct. Why did you lead me on knowing that you aren't ready for me? Why tell me you have deep feelings for me then show another? Was I just there to feed your ego, give you validation? Whatever you need to know, ask calmly and without judgment. This is about getting closure so you can enjoy being around your current bfs work so you can support him. We only live in the past if we let our feelings control us. At some point you have to "stop" the tapes in your head that keep playing out what ifs and possible scenarios. You have to say, why is this so important to me and then do whatever you need to do to lessen its importance.

Of course it will be difficult to face him. Of course it is much harder way after the fact when you have told yourself half truths and possibilities for why he failed you. The only way to know for sure is to face your demons, face the man responsible. One of the most powerful things we can do is look our disappointments and let downs in the eye, even if it breaks our heart in the process.

Hope this helps,

Grumps

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think you should pay attention to the thoughts that trigger the fear and see if you can identify specifically what you are reacting to. I'm wondering if your residual feelings aren't more about having been rejected than the person. When you say that none of your previous breakups hurt you, could this because you were the dumper rather than the dumpee? Being the dumpee often leaves people feeling like there is unfinished business. Perhaps he symbolizes the humiliation you suffered. Why not go ahead and show up at gigs and try to normalize by getting used to the exposure.

 

Oh yeah, it's definitely the rejection part. It's not the only time I've been dumped, however, I did end a 4 year longterm relationship, the next one was ended by my partner at the time after two years, and then this guy, who ended it but we were only together six months. It's absolutely to do with rejection, yes. He does symbolise the humiliation for sure. When you meet someone, believe they care for you and love you, introduce them to your family and friends and 'go public' with it on social media etc... only to find out that it's suddenly over without warning, and you feel like an absolute idiot.

 

I think I am just going to have to show up to the gigs. I don't want to be all pally and friendly with him because I don't feel that way towards him. I feel like my options are either to try and become 'mates' again, not true friends of course, but be very friendly, catch up, make sure it's all buried and then move on. Or to keep it incredibly superficial, say hello if I see him at gigs but that's that. I think I'm going to have to go for the latter. I will just have to be strong and act cool and at least my boyfriend knows the score and will be supportive so I won't have the fear of having to hide it completely if I find it awful. Maybe I'll just have to figure out if he's likely to be doing sound at the next show I attend, and send him a text that day saying hey, I heard you were at show tonight, I'll see you there. And then we are both prepared.

 

Why is this crap so tough? I realised today it's only been six months since it all happened so even though I'm happy with somebody new perhaps it's normal to feel so awkward and upset.

 

From what I am reading, it seems like three things are going on here. One is that being the one who is dumped, you still aren't really sure, exact reason why, you were dumped. Two is that you were told one thing, that you were loved and wanted and then shown something entirely different such as him being too busy, too afraid of commitment which naturally is confusing. The third which is the most important is that you have little to no closure on any of this. He wasn't honest or you would feel more peaceful with your NC.

If you do decide to have coffee, which I think would be productive, ask only the things you need to know. Make sure your questions are succinct. Why did you lead me on knowing that you aren't ready for me? Why tell me you have deep feelings for me then show another? Was I just there to feed your ego, give you validation? Whatever you need to know, ask calmly and without judgment. This is about getting closure so you can enjoy being around your current bfs work so you can support him. We only live in the past if we let our feelings control us. At some point you have to "stop" the tapes in your head that keep playing out what ifs and possible scenarios. You have to say, why is this so important to me and then do whatever you need to do to lessen its importance.

Of course it will be difficult to face him. Of course it is much harder way after the fact when you have told yourself half truths and possibilities for why he failed you. The only way to know for sure is to face your demons, face the man responsible. One of the most powerful things we can do is look our disappointments and let downs in the eye, even if it breaks our heart in the process.

Hope this helps,

Grumps

 

Hi, thanks for the reply, so much. The first issue you raise, yes I don't know why I was dumped. It'd have been easier to just hear 'the infatuation has worn off and I don't feel the same, sorry'. The whole 'I'm so busy and stressed with work, and my dog, and commuting, I love you so much this is killing me, I don't want us to end up hating each other' just doesn't make any sense to me, as when I love somebody I will walk through fire to make it work and once I'm committed to somebody I'm pretty committed, I was often working seventy hour weeks during that relationship and always still managed to make plenty of time for us.

 

Two, yes absolutely. I really struggle with this. I have had a lot of loss and I think I may have some abandonment issues. My mother died of substance dependency, my brother froze me out when I really needed him and my two year ex lived with me, involved me in his entire family and then left me outta the blue one day, I lost my apartment and everything. This was when my brother froze me and only two years after losing my Mother, so it was really horrible suddenly losing my brother, some of my only family left, my ex and his family, and my home all at once. I think I still struggle with the pain of that period occasionally, I'm okay with it but sometimes I guess seemingly inconsequential things like that bring back all of those difficult feelings of loss, abandonment, rejection.

 

Third, yes. No closure. With the two year ex, a year after we split I bumped into him in the street. We had a five minute pleasant chat, and then I asked him why he left me, and he finally told me the truth, that likely he had only gotten straight in his mind once everything had died down anyway. I felt really good hearing that and like I could totally move on. With this ex it's tough but I don't really want to ask anything, I don't want him to know it still hurts, I don't want him to know I think of any of it, I don't want him to have the power of knowing how much he hurt me, when he didn't care enough to want me in his life. I simply don't want him to see any of my feelings, so I can't imagine suddenly asking him all of these questions. Does that make sense? I shut down from people when they hurt me, I've had to learn to do this to survive.

 

So I really don't think that we're ever going to have that conversation, plus I think it'd hurt so much I don't know how I'd handle that, being rejected all over again. Maybe I'll just have to accept I'll see him and deal with it, somehow. I'll probably find out before the next gig I attend whether he's doing sound or not so I'm prepared. But even if he isn't, he might be there. I really don't want to pretend that i'm friendly with him, I'm not angry or mad or insulting or anything but I really don't want to be all catch up and matey and pretend everything's fine cos ya know, half a year ago he nearly destroyed my heart. And after that happened with my mother, my brother, my nephews, my apartment and my ex and the in laws it really made me feel like I could never trust or be open again. Somehow I'm trying now but I still find it hard and I still shut down sometimes and my boyfriend has realised that I don't really trust easily.

[salparadise]

When you meet someone, believe they care for you and love you, introduce them to your family and friends and 'go public' with it on social media etc... only to find out that it's suddenly over without warning, and you feel like an absolute idiot.

 

Well, there you have it. I know it's not easy but I think you just have to accept what happened, without a rational explanation, so you can move forward. I had a similar thing happen a year and a half ago, and it wasn't until I quit trying to rationalize that I started feeling free of it. It took more than six months.

 

I think you're making the right choice in not meeting to press for an explanation. Odds are he doesn't know himself––he probably got scared and bailed. Even if he tried to be forthcoming he'd only be saying what his conscious mind and ego are able to tolerate. Just conduct yourself in a self-assured manner and let him wonder if that wasn't the biggest mistake of his life.

 

The rejection thing gets to us through our egos. Learn to observe that rascal and put it in it's place when it starts acting like it owns you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well, there you have it. I know it's not easy but I think you just have to accept what happened, without a rational explanation, so you can move forward. I had a similar thing happen a year and a half ago, and it wasn't until I quit trying to rationalize that I started feeling free of it. It took more than six months.

 

I think you're making the right choice in not meeting to press for an explanation. Odds are he doesn't know himself––he probably got scared and bailed. Even if he tried to be forthcoming he'd only be saying what his conscious mind and ego are able to tolerate. Just conduct yourself in a self-assured manner and let him wonder if that wasn't the biggest mistake of his life.

 

The rejection thing gets to us through our egos. Learn to observe that rascal and put it in it's place when it starts acting like it owns you.

 

Thanks a lot salparadise. You're right, sometimes things just don't make sense to us, even asking him I'm sure I'd end up with some bull answer that wasn't his true thoughts, he'd probably just want to avoid hurting me further and come up with whatever he thought sounded best that I could tolerate (it's not you, it's me... that sort of thing ha!). I feel I have done well letting it go and I don't feel bitter towards him, feelings change and if you no longer want to be with somebody the right thing to do is to end it.

 

I don't normally mind rejection. I'm okay with being rejected professionally for jobs, when dating I'm fine being turned down for second dates, it's just when I'm in love with someone and it comes outta the blue that seems to be when it really hurts. Similar thing happened with my brother (I loved him to bits, obviously not in an in love but love was there so I think it correlates) and it's difficult.

 

I will, if I have to see him, just act normal and cool. Not overly friendly, just polite. My boyfriend seems to think it's unlikely we will be seeing him very often now this festival is over.

[EverLastluv]

what you should do is, be suportive to your bf forgeting your ex still exist. Things would be better. Once your current bf feels you are still in love with your ex you would start having problems with your relationship. focus on your present life at the moment.

[acrosstheuniverse]

what you should do is, be suportive to your bf forgeting your ex still exist. Things would be better. Once your current bf feels you are still in love with your ex you would start having problems with your relationship. focus on your present life at the moment.

 

Oh I wouldn't allow it to get in the way of my new relationship. He has a similar issue with his ex, as I mentioned above, so we both understand what it's like. I know that it's possible to be over somebody completely, and yet still very much want to avoid them because it's still painful! I only told him the situation because I needed to explain why I wasn't going to be attending the show.