How to handle rejection/depression

[shet]

I'm 30. I've never been able to describe myself as anything but single, if I didn't want to obfuscate the truth (I took a girl to meet my parents once, just once. She vanished soon after, literally moved hundreds of miles away). If I try hard (far harder than any of my friends or acquaintances) under good conditions, I can get numbers, even "dates", now and then (I don't do OLD). I apply no particular standards either, I find most women attractive one way or another. I've even gone along with a gay guy's interest before, figuring I may as well (a very pretty crossdresser). Nothing ever comes of it in relationship terms. In a short period, days or weeks or months, excitement will turn to indifference and they will disappear or fade out.

 

I can't relate to anyone I know on the romance front nor they to me. They listen to my woes with confusion, even fright, over how strange it is to them. They are at this stage married or working on it, with children. Their stories are simple and their experience very narrow compared to mine - no broad dating efforts for them, no effort of any kind in fact, just ease and a woman/man who was plainly both into them and committed from the start. I've never had that. It's always been a tremendous difficulty and an effort for me, an uphill fight, lukewarm, teasing. They just don't seem to really want me. I keep trying but just get let down over and over.

 

I'm scared I'll always be alone. I don't want that. There's no point going through this world alone, there's not enough to keep me here without something, someone to invest in. There are periods I get heavily depressed about this.

 

That usually happens directly after a failed episode. Intellectually I know there will be someone else in time. But the same thing always happens, so that doesn't help me deal with the depression. In fact sometimes right after a failure, thinking of the inevitable future where I recover and find another opportunity to pursue someone until they **** on me is the hardest part. You start to wish there were drugs that could neuter your brain. You hate yourself for being such a twat.

 

I am so sick and tired of this repeating cycle. It's poisoned my mind. It makes me miserable about something that isn't supposed to be. It can take me months to recover every time, depending on how far along, how invested I was.

 

How can I learn to better handle rejection? I always counted on a success, just one, just for a while, giving me something to remember and depend on. But it never materialised.

[Potz4prez]

Just because you're single, doesn't mean you're alone. I have deeper relationships with my oldest friends, and even new friends in foreign countries, than I ever will with just some girl.

 

You need to focus more on yourself and your friends. If rejection just means you're back to it just being you and and your friends, and that's a great situation, then rejection doesn't carry as much weight.

[endlessabyss]

1. Let go of the past

 

2. Rejection is inevitable, get used to it.

 

3. You're too cynical. Try to find some balance.

 

4. You seem very desperate, so desperate you're willing to go against your nature to find affection. Work on that.

 

I could go on, but this should be a good starting point.

[shet]

That's glib. I'm 30. I have friends and a life. It isn't enough. I know inside that it's all a smokescreen, filler for a hole. I know this because my friends STOPPED doing the things they enjoy, and hanging out much, the more they became involved with their partners down the years until by the time they married they were 2 people with one life, and it was mostly dull.

 

I don't feel alone. I have family and friends. I do not have and never have had someone to call a girlfriend to other people. I once took someone who asked to go to a friends party with me. I seem to recall she got awkward over me calling her my date when people asked who she was. She made me take her home early and didn't speak to me again despite being a coworker for another year. And you'll probably sit there and say "oh well she was just unreasonable, who cares about her" but what do you say when that's just one example of a lifes experience of inexplicable coldness? The excuses and the platitudes fall very flat and it gets hard to say anything much.

[endlessabyss]

That's glib. I'm 30. I have friends and a life. It isn't enough. I know inside that it's all a smokescreen, filler for a hole. I know this because my friends STOPPED doing the things they enjoy, and hanging out much, the more they became involved with their partners down the years until by the time they married they were 2 people with one life, and it was mostly dull.

 

I don't feel alone. I have family and friends. I do not have and never have had someone to call a girlfriend to other people. I once took someone who asked to go to a friends party with me. I seem to recall she got awkward over me calling her my date when people asked who she was. She made me take her home early and didn't speak to me again despite being a coworker for another year. And you'll probably sit there and say "oh well she was just unreasonable, who cares about her" but what do you say when that's just one example of a lifes experience of inexplicable coldness? The excuses and the platitudes fall very flat and it gets hard to say anything much.

 

If you don't feel alone, what are you so fearful of? There is a difference between being alone and single. You're 30 years old; it's not the end of the world yet.

 

Did this "friend" look at you as a date, or just a friend she was going to a party with? Maybe she didn't see it as a date, and you scared her off when you interpreted it that way.

Edited May 26, 2014 by endlessabyss

[shet]

snip

 

That wasn't very helpful. At all. Rejection is inevitable get used to it? Seriously that's your input here? You think that's constructive? Saying that in response to my questioning how better to handle its inevitability is antagonistic repetition. I'm hardened to that truism and I don't know how you could think I wasn't after my post. It's the point of my post.

 

Re. desperation - would you not be? Of course I'm ****ing desperate. Am I supposed to ignore women that engage with me, not ask them out? What exactly do you do when you're single to not be single? Is this your version of WOPR's advice that the only winning move is not to play? I'm ****ing lonely and I hate it so I keep trying to not be.

[shet]

If you don't feel alone, what are you so fearful of? There is a difference between being alone and single. You're 30 years old; it's not the end of the world yet.

 

Did this "friend" look at you as a date, or just a friend she was going to a party with? Maybe she didn't see it as a date, and you scared her off when you interpreted it that way.

 

There's a difference between having friends and having a partner, I shouldn't have to explain this. Friends come round on a Saturday for fun and leave at midnight.

 

I'm fearful that this is always going to be the case. Nobody I know at any age has or had expended as much effort and thought as me on meeting someone, they haven't had to, nor have they made the acquaintance of as many women down the years (The irony is I have a reputation as a Lothario because of the confidence I've been forced to learn and the regularity of my attempts to chat up ladies). I'm not single just now, I have always been so. I know nobody else like that. I'm an anomaly and I'm **** scared. People say 30 isn't the end but I'm telling you it feels like it when you look back over 15+ years of adult life with nothing but bitterness and a few ****s (hopeful as I was at the times it was a prelude to much more) to show. I've never woken up alongside someone. Every one one of the NUMEROUS weddings I've attended in recent years I've been the only guy without a plus one (you better believe I tried to find dates). Get the picture? Maybe in your world you're surrounded by perpetually single 30 year olds. In mine I'm a freak.

 

Re. that particular woman, whose name was Kate. This was almost ten years ago. The party was my friends who she didn't know. She flirted with me all day for weeks at work. I let slip the party was occurring. She insisted I take her and introduce her to everyone etc along with extra flirting. I believe the presence of empty upstairs bedrooms was mentioned. So I did. When people asked who she was I said this is Kate, she's my date tonight. After all she'd done, she then decided we were just friends and proceeded to be miserable for a few hours and frankly a downer (people were asking why the **** I'd brought her). Demanded to be taken home about 9pm. Literally never exchanged another word with me at work for another 9 months until I moved on.

 

There's no point trying to case-by-case dissect the women briefly in my life's role, motives or problems with me. It's endlessly varied. Sometimes good excuses, sometimes viciously cruel ones, mostly in between. I couldn't tell you anyway, it's a mystery. It really doesn't matter unless you want to conclude that the cosmos enjoys pissing on me, which is paranoid. The end result is all the same, I've had no luck. I don't want to hash that despicable **** out, I do it endlessly in my mind and it's a circle of pain. I just want to know how to recover after it happens.

[endlessabyss]

That wasn't very helpful. At all. Rejection is inevitable get used to it? Seriously that's your input here? You think that's constructive? Saying that in response to my questioning how better to handle its inevitability is antagonistic repetition. I'm hardened to that truism and I don't know how you could think I wasn't after my post. It's the point of my post.

 

Re. desperation - would you not be? Of course I'm ****ing desperate. Am I supposed to ignore women that engage with me, not ask them out? What exactly do you do when you're single to not be single? Is this your version of WOPR's advice that the only winning move is not to play? I'm ****ing lonely and I hate it so I keep trying to not be.

 

 

What would you like me to say? Would you like a shoulder to cry on? Everybody faces rejection, even Jesus was rejected, and He is God. To overcome rejection you have do look at yourself in a different way, and let go of the past. I took a job in sales to overcome my fear of rejection. I also read the Bible, because it uplifts my spirit, and explains to me how valuable I am. I am not suggesting you need to do these things, but what I would suggest is for you to find a way to repair your self image.

 

Desperation is not going to help you land a partner. That may be the reason why you're scaring all your dates off, because it shows in your behavior. Just from reading your posts, you seem like the type that would suffocate your partner because of your neediness. I mean, you're so desperate, you're willing to dabble in same sex relationships, when you come across as heterosexual man. But, you're so desperate you don't care who you date. That leaves me flabbergasted.

 

I'm a couple years younger than you, single, and not desperate at all. I work, have friends, and have hobbies. I am just waiting for the right person to come along, and I will remain single until that person comes along.

 

Hopefully you find the solution to your problems. Only you can fix yourself.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 26, 2014 by endlessabyss

[shet]

That may be the reason why you're scaring all your dates off, because it shows in your behavior. Just from reading your posts, you seem like the type that would suffocate your partner because of your neediness.

 

No. I'm desperate to solve the problem, but that doesn't emerge as neediness. Nobody ever KNOWS I feel this way. I keep it bottled up tight. I have become very adept at lying about the strength of my feeling in actions and words, playing it down, keeping it cool - all outwardly. I'm aided in this by the fatigue that's built up. I assume failure before it happens and I've been told I didn't seem keen, when that was just me erring too far in the direction of being easygoing to match their apparent coolness. I take my cues off them. Walking that line is one of the harder parts of it. Often I have established that she likes regular contact, only to be told later that a daily text is too much. Or that she likes phonecalls, only to find she never answers then sends texts. Or that she says she's not touchy feely (or one one occasion, actually has a full blown physical contact aversion) only later to believe my not touching her contributed to her fadeout. Or vice versa. Or that she wants to hear about my day then says I talk too much about boring ****. Or that something is "too coupley", or alternatively "not much like a date". Ad infinitum ad nauseam.

 

Needy I am not. Not outwardly. God only knows what would happen if some poor woman actually stuck around and made me feel secure enough to let go. Then maybe I'll be needy, scarily so. But tell me I wouldn't be allowed that, for a while, in my circumstances.

[todreaminblue]

everybody has different coping mechanisms shet,to deal with rejection.

 

depression however is a different entity......you cant just "move" on with depression....have you been diagnosed with depression and are you under any treatment plan.....deb

[shet]

Yes I am undergoing counselling for depression. But it is going nowhere. Whatever is wrong with me was always wrong, a developmental disorder perhaps, there is no previous state I can return to, in fact I am much healthier and happier now than I used to be, much, because I'm older and care less about many things.

 

It doesn't matter anyway. Trust me. None of my secret problems emerge. I've never gotten deep enough into a relationship for them to emerge. I said, I keep it bottled up. I've tried before to not focus on finding someone and just keeping busy. It just means years of meeting/speaking to no women at all and becoming intensely bored of life - I've stood on top of mountains with Meetup hiking groups and felt pointless, I've waterski'd and got the dumb pictures, alone, I've volunteered ridiculous embarrassing amounts of my time, life and health away on worthy causes surrounded by old men with no women except retired grandmothers. Gone to sports clubs (all men). Don't talk to me about focusing on myself.

 

No, I have to try even though it wrecks me every time. It won't stop or go away until I find someone who stays with me, like everyone around me or that I've ever met has had as a basic component of their life since their brains were still developing. My teen romance was ****ty and soul crushing. The girl cheated on me, gained a drug habit and would deliberately start fights because she was into aggression for some sick reason, either between us or between me and other guys. OK? Understand the pervasiveness here? I'm my own worst critic by a mile, but you start at the beginning then or the end now, it's very goddamn hard to actually criticise me for anything I did wrong ever. Except hope. Every ****ing time, hope, like I'm a puppy addicted to being kicked. I'm still excited on the first date, my heart still pounds in their presence, I still feel like the most blessed man alive when they call me. How has it gone on so long? How am I still like this, how has this experience of purest **** forever not toughened me into never feeling so vulnerable and sad? How can I be such a loser?

 

I don't want to talk about that **** any more. I just want to understand any techniques how to move past the rejection, or how not to be so invested - if that's possible in my situation. These things are hard to talk about with counsellors because we should be focusing on other things, it's pathetic to talk about how sad I am for not having relationships.

[GemmaUK]

Re. that particular woman, whose name was Kate. This was almost ten years ago. The party was my friends who she didn't know. She flirted with me all day for weeks at work. I let slip the party was occurring. She insisted I take her and introduce her to everyone etc along with extra flirting. I believe the presence of empty upstairs bedrooms was mentioned. So I did. When people asked who she was I said this is Kate, she's my date tonight. After all she'd done, she then decided we were just friends and proceeded to be miserable for a few hours and frankly a downer (people were asking why the **** I'd brought her). Demanded to be taken home about 9pm. Literally never exchanged another word with me at work for another 9 months until I moved on.

 

Part of your post above was this:

 

'I believe the presence of empty upstairs bedrooms was mentioned. So I did.'

 

Do you mean that you mentioned to her that there were free bedrooms upstairs?

[shet]

Part of your post above was this:

 

'I believe the presence of empty upstairs bedrooms was mentioned. So I did.'

 

Do you mean that you mentioned to her that there were free bedrooms upstairs?

 

No, that she asked if there would be any, complete with eyebrow waggling. I was 21, she was I think 20. Can we not focus on this? I was just illustrating how I've never been able to use the language and concepts other people use. Times when "date" or "girlfriend" would have been appropriate to use in anyone elses life but was an unholy disaster for me. There are other examples I could use to make the point. The woman just last year who insisted we meet, insisted it be for what looked all the world like dates, 4 times, then when I actually used the word date once said she wasn't interested and stopped contacting me. The woman in my early twenties who would drape herself all over me in the breakroom, wait to go to lunch with me, tell me we should go out, then when I hesitantly suggested... I think it was a local art show she might like to come to with me, turns out to have a boyfriend. Who came to the workplace the next day and confronted me. Nice. Or the other one who told me how lovely I was, slept with me for 2 weeks while I helped her move house and sell her old furniture on Ebay, then changed her number and vanished in 1 day. The one who I commuted 300+ miles both ways to visit weekly over the course of 2 months who I met from an internet forum, who then had a bipolar episode, accused me of hiding outside her house (???) and got those forums shut down forever by personally contacting the families of the guys running it by phone to force them to ban everyone she didn't like now, which was everyone.

 

This is just a glimpse into why I despair every time history repeats itself and why I can't do anything to change it, because I am at a complete loss to understand how I can do anything myself or what I did wrong. There's plenty more examples of episodes that never even got far enough to use any words to describe them, except maybe "I'm seeing someone", which are just as ****.

[Potz4prez]

Yes I am undergoing counselling for depression. But it is going nowhere. Whatever is wrong with me was always wrong, a developmental disorder perhaps, there is no previous state I can return to, in fact I am much healthier and happier now than I used to be, much, because I'm older and care less about many things.

 

It doesn't matter anyway. Trust me. None of my secret problems emerge. I've never gotten deep enough into a relationship for them to emerge. I said, I keep it bottled up. I've tried before to not focus on finding someone and just keeping busy. It just means years of meeting/speaking to no women at all and becoming intensely bored of life - I've stood on top of mountains with Meetup hiking groups and felt pointless, I've waterski'd and got the dumb pictures, alone, I've volunteered ridiculous embarrassing amounts of my time, life and health away on worthy causes surrounded by old men with no women except retired grandmothers. Gone to sports clubs (all men). Don't talk to me about focusing on myself.

 

No, I have to try even though it wrecks me every time. It won't stop or go away until I find someone who stays with me, like everyone around me or that I've ever met has had as a basic component of their life since their brains were still developing. My teen romance was ****ty and soul crushing. The girl cheated on me, gained a drug habit and would deliberately start fights because she was into aggression for some sick reason, either between us or between me and other guys. OK? Understand the pervasiveness here? I'm my own worst critic by a mile, but you start at the beginning then or the end now, it's very goddamn hard to actually criticise me for anything I did wrong ever. Except hope. Every ****ing time, hope, like I'm a puppy addicted to being kicked. I'm still excited on the first date, my heart still pounds in their presence, I still feel like the most blessed man alive when they call me. How has it gone on so long? How am I still like this, how has this experience of purest **** forever not toughened me into never feeling so vulnerable and sad? How can I be such a loser?

 

I don't want to talk about that **** any more. I just want to understand any techniques how to move past the rejection, or how not to be so invested - if that's possible in my situation. These things are hard to talk about with counsellors because we should be focusing on other things, it's pathetic to talk about how sad I am for not having relationships.

 

It's probable that you've never been properly diagnosed. However, they still just treat the symptoms regardless.

 

Have you ever been medicated? If you've been dealing with this for so long, it may be worth considering.

[shet]

It's only this year I started counselling - I was suicidal over Xmas period, it's a bad time, directly after turning 30 to boot, and handling the outcome from that woman above I mentioned who vanished after 4 "dates". I assumed the problem would resolve itself in the past but I don't think it will anymore, actually getting worse so I had to talk to someone. There are other issues I'm facing, so I basically had to go to counselling. Medication's been mentioned and I'm moving toward doing that but I've always had certain attitudes about drugs including recreational ones, I don't like the idea of mind altering substances and antidepressants certainly are that so I have to come to terms with that first. I still question the need for them. I believe the only way they'll help is making me not mind my predicament so much (maybe even making it worse in reality, my sharp edge and focus is one of the things I have going for me that enables me to meet anyone) but in the end that's still valuable. Altering my mind is what I want I guess, being happier and less affected by rejection is exactly what I need.

[NYC-BigKat]

I'm 30. I've never been able to describe myself as anything but single, if I didn't want to obfuscate the truth (I took a girl to meet my parents once, just once. She vanished soon after, literally moved hundreds of miles away). If I try hard (far harder than any of my friends or acquaintances) under good conditions, I can get numbers, even "dates", now and then (I don't do OLD). I apply no particular standards either, I find most women attractive one way or another. I've even gone along with a gay guy's interest before, figuring I may as well (a very pretty crossdresser). Nothing ever comes of it in relationship terms. In a short period, days or weeks or months, excitement will turn to indifference and they will disappear or fade out.

 

I can't relate to anyone I know on the romance front nor they to me. They listen to my woes with confusion, even fright, over how strange it is to them. They are at this stage married or working on it, with children. Their stories are simple and their experience very narrow compared to mine - no broad dating efforts for them, no effort of any kind in fact, just ease and a woman/man who was plainly both into them and committed from the start. I've never had that. It's always been a tremendous difficulty and an effort for me, an uphill fight, lukewarm, teasing. They just don't seem to really want me. I keep trying but just get let down over and over.

 

I'm scared I'll always be alone. I don't want that. There's no point going through this world alone, there's not enough to keep me here without something, someone to invest in. There are periods I get heavily depressed about this.

 

That usually happens directly after a failed episode. Intellectually I know there will be someone else in time. But the same thing always happens, so that doesn't help me deal with the depression. In fact sometimes right after a failure, thinking of the inevitable future where I recover and find another opportunity to pursue someone until they **** on me is the hardest part. You start to wish there were drugs that could neuter your brain. You hate yourself for being such a twat.

 

I am so sick and tired of this repeating cycle. It's poisoned my mind. It makes me miserable about something that isn't supposed to be. It can take me months to recover every time, depending on how far along, how invested I was.

 

How can I learn to better handle rejection? I always counted on a success, just one, just for a while, giving me something to remember and depend on. But it never materialised.

 

I'm always getting rejected. There's nothing u can do about it but try not to cry too much over it & stuff. It hurts I know & it feels like its going to keep on happening with every girl u meet I know but girls are meaner than guys I think & they don't know what good they have til its too late. I really wish to be different like u but I don't know how. I'm sensitive & I get emotional a lot but I cant help it 'cause its who I am u know but um...its going to be okay I think .

[Potz4prez]

It's only this year I started counselling - I was suicidal over Xmas period, it's a bad time, directly after turning 30 to boot, and handling the outcome from that woman above I mentioned who vanished after 4 "dates". I assumed the problem would resolve itself in the past but I don't think it will anymore, actually getting worse so I had to talk to someone. There are other issues I'm facing, so I basically had to go to counselling. Medication's been mentioned and I'm moving toward doing that but I've always had certain attitudes about drugs including recreational ones, I don't like the idea of mind altering substances and antidepressants certainly are that so I have to come to terms with that first. I still question the need for them. I believe the only way they'll help is making me not mind my predicament so much (maybe even making it worse in reality, my sharp edge and focus is one of the things I have going for me that enables me to meet anyone) but in the end that's still valuable. Altering my mind is what I want I guess, being happier and less affected by rejection is exactly what I need.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. Congrats on making the first big step.

 

I was also apprehensive about seeking medication for my ADD (which was affecting me emotionally)... not wanting my personality to be jeopardized and not wanting to be reliant on a drug. Ends up it was exactly what I needed and my life has improved ten fold since then. My only regret was not doing this sooner.

 

Typically antidepressants are used to help you get out of a slump from what I understand. Remember, if you don't like how they make you feel after giving them a chance, you can always get off of them.

[somedude81]

shet, I understand exactly how you are feeling.

 

I'm 32, and I've had one girlfriend in my entire life. We didn't get together until I was 31, and she left me after six months.

 

It sucks to feel that you will always be alone, and that you are missing out on life and having depression. All of that feels terrible.

 

Why do you think you've had so much trouble with women? Do you believe it's possible to change your circumstances?

[shet]

Hah. Why do I think. Depends what day you ask. On a good day I feel confident I just haven't met the right person in the right circumstances. There have been a few I turned down myself for reasons that now look stupid as hell and I regret hard, so if I hadn't been dumb then who knows what would be now. And I know I have good qualities, I make friends so easily, even the girls tell me, before they disappear. I can see when I'm among friends how charming and generous I am. I say it's just bad luck.

 

On a bad day I can't believe bad luck explains it. That I'm too ugly for anyone to love. Something in my mannerism I'm not aware of pushes specifically women away from romantic interest. Or that something is off about my every action toward women, like I lack some kind of crucial calibration that should have occurred long ago. Or that my life sucks and I suck living it and once they realise this they bounce.

 

On a really bad day I think I'm in the ****ing Matrix and everything around me is an experiment to observe the effect on a mind of constant romantic indifference and disaffection, and the only way to protest against whoever it is outside the machine watching me flounder is to kill myself as a big **** You.

 

I do believe it's possible to change. I wouldn't keep trying otherwise. Since I don't believe my depression is actually the cause, because when I'm seeing someone it lifts a lot and I feel great. For a short time. Then they leave, it goes to **** and I feel terrible for months. I look at my social circles and I see people marrying the first partner they had, boring men and women without much going for them finding success, selfish people, ignorant ones, uncultured ones, and I think compared to them I'm genuinely awesome, so I just need to find what they found. Which seems to be women/men in the right place and times in their lives to want them around. Their stories of "how we met" are so incredibly banal and what's always abundantly clear is that for whatever reason, both of them just wanted a partner at that time. No great romance, no eyes across a crowded room, no love at first sight. Far more pragmatic and honest.

 

So I keep hoping to run into someone like that. I'm at a bad age (everyones married) in a bad place (college is full of youths) in a bad industry (no women). Historically my old friends were terrible friends, never going out or doing much, and my old work was also quite women-light, people light really. I can't control if I meet someone who is actually seriously looking for a partner and finds me attractive or not, so if I do, I think they're going to like me, because I put a lot of effort in, god knows (let me tell you about some of the dates I've arranged), and I wouldn't be unappreciative if we were together a thousand years.

[Leeway Harris]

Wow, you seem to have had extraordinarily bad luck. Is there any commonality to the women you're focusing on? Could you be unconsciously seekin out a certain "type" that ends up making trouble for you? Just something to consider. I hope your luck changes.

[GravityMan]

shet, I get the impression that you're looking for a woman to "complete" you. I also get strong "try-hard" vibes from you. Women may be noticing one or both of those things and as a result are backing away from you.

 

This is a lesson that's best learned while a person is still in his/her teens or early 20s, so it may be harder to learn at 30 years old...but nevertheless you need to get to a mindset that you're already "whole" and don't need a woman to fill in the missing pieces of your internal jigsaw puzzle. Get to a point where you're happy with yourself and to a point where others want to be around you and are at-ease around you...and dating opportunities should organically present themselves to you.

 

For some things in life, putting forth a great amount of effort and brainpower over a period of time is necessary to get good at them. For example, learning a trade, a new technology, or a sport. However...dating, relationships and most casual social interactions in general don't really work that way. Yes, with practice you can get "better" at those things, but putting a lot of effort and thought/analysis into them is likely to be to your detriment. Some "steering" may be needed every now and then but for the most part it's better to just let things flow. Put another way, you need to get outside your own head.

[Disillusioned]

Yes, rejection and depression ARE tough to deal with... add stress and anhedonia into the mix, and it can be a recipe for a meltdown.

 

But I've been dealing with it by choosing a new career and by abandoning all of my old pastimes that I was wasting my time on.

 

But then a funny thing happened, the more in-depth I got into improving my life, the less I cared about attracting women. I'm living life for ME... it seems that all of my life, I've been somebody-or-other's stupid little whipping boy. Now that I'm breaking out of that situation, I notice people who are control freaks aren't sugar coating the way they deal with me... now they're openly rude to me because I'm in new situations they can't control.

 

It's that "autonomy high" I'm enjoying... I'm not too keen on the idea of a woman coming into my life and wrecking it (at least right now).

[shet]

Leeway Harris: No. Long ago I wondered if that might be a factor, so in response, I decided I would pursue anyone I thought might like me. I don't have a type. I date women of any ethnicity and nationality. Any physical type (except tremendously overweight... like barely mobile). Almost any personality type (don't be a sour bastard). I don't need to find them physically attractive from the first moment. Almost always that comes quickly anyway. Basically if we talk more than 1 minute, and they can laugh, then I go for it. Sometimes it does quickly emerge I'm wasting my time, for one reason or another, yes. Especially at the moment, surrounded by 18-21yo's (many are pretty ****ing dumb, and many are... weird and not stable).

 

Gravityman: I hear what you're saying. I don't have an insurmountable problem attracting anyone, the problem occurs AFTER that. Perhaps when they notice how important they are to me and how I focus on them. Except, I want to do that. I don't play games. I am not going to pretend I am indifferent. It matters. They matter and I want to spend time with them. I pride myself on my honesty. I have a mental filter, I know not to spam them every day or harass. But I definitely will find activities, and plan and be available, weekly at least. What else would I be doing more important. If that turns them away then, they can turn in their right to complain about men being inattentive, forever.

 

I don't agree that I feel incomplete. Quite the opposite. My friends, subsuming themselves into their relationships as fast as they can and ceasing to exist as independent entities, are the ones incomplete. I've known many like this. Serial monogamists and people marrying the first person they slept with. I've had a long time completely alone to develop into my own person and anyone who knows me will tell you I have a forceful personality and my own **** going on. And I didn't feel this way even 3 years ago. Wasn't really concerned by my consistent failure, just had the ebullience of youth telling me to keep on trucking. Approaching and then turning 30 has been a landmark though.

 

Disillusioned: I've spent 3 years rebuilding my life, changing careers, changing many things. I'm a different person now. But it has not brought me what I wanted, which was a relationship. I have the life of an eligible bachelor, waiting for a woman to walk into it. I'm not going to feel laid back about it. I'm sick to the back teeth of feeling alienated from my fellow humanity on this, something so basic and universal. I don't think I'm wrong about it. I think I'm very right. I think to be in my situation and not be extremely keen to connect with women would be the bad thing.

Edited May 28, 2014 by shet

[Tryin Hard 2 Make It]

Shet, have you read "The Game" by Neil Strauss or "The Secrets of the Alpha Man" by Carlos Xuma ? I have read most of the Chapters of both books and have applied what I learned and have had success because of what i read. I recommend reading both. Maybe, just maybe you luck will change. I helped a good friend of mine get several women from what i learned from both authors.

 

P.S.

I heard about both Carlos Xuma and Neil Strauss from a member here on LS.

 

P.P.S

I just turned 41 last month

Edited May 29, 2014 by Tryin Hard 2 Make It

[topaMAXX]

Shet, have you read "The Game" by Neil Strauss or "The Secrets of the Alpha Man" by Carlos Xuma ? I have read most of the Chapters of both books and have applied what I learned and have had success because of what i read. I recommend reading both. Maybe, just maybe you luck will change. I helped a good friend of mine get several women from what i learned from both authors.

 

P.S.

I heard about both Carlos Xuma and Neil Strauss from a member here on LS.

 

P.P.S

I just turned 41 last month

 

This.

 

You need to start taking some legitimate advice on how to improve your game. Clearly, something is off.

 

"Just focusing on yourself" obviously doesn't work or you would have met someone organically by now. Grab the bull by the horns and go get what you want.

 

I'm guessing you're not a bar/club guy. Go check it out. Go to one on Friday. Will you be uncomfortable? Yes. This is a good thing. Aim to make one approach. Then two approaches on Saturday. Take baby steps.

 

At first, it will be a numbers game. Then, as you get better, it will become easier. You will get higher quality girls.

 

As Laozi once said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."