I an an emotionless robot

[nofeelings22]

I was married 10 years. At first, I didn't really love my wife or maybe wasn't sure what love really was compared to infatuation.

 

As the years went on, I loved her more and more. The most I loved her was the moment she splt with no warning and no communication.

 

Here it is like a year and a half later. I get girl after girl after girl interested in me, but can't seem to progress into a relationship. I can't progress it past the beginning because I lose interest or fear getting involved or something. Definitely some kind of mental block. I have been going on dates and having make out sessions with a 20 yo girl who is really into me. I'm almost twice her age., I figured why not? Not getting married, but a short term relationship would be nice.

 

You would think this would be very exciting, but no... I am keeping her at arm's length. Afraid of a relationship, Afraid to feel. Afraid to have sex. Afraid of everything. And, since I haven't been pursuing her, she is losing interest.

 

But... I have no feeling for anyone. Zip. I like them as friends, have some fun physically, but can't bring myself to have sex with someone i don't love. And I don't love anyone,

 

I can hook up, oral given to me, hjs, whatever... but am like totally paralyzed when it comes to pleasing women in an intimate (mouth or penis) way if i dont love them. And I don't love anyone.

 

Feeling really stuck and unable to love again.

 

Has anyone else had these feelings? How did you get past it?

Edited May 26, 2014 by nofeelings22

[Omei]

If you're seeing a girl and you're twice her age its likely no real relationship can take place to begin with....

 

A good first step would be to date someone your age you can connect with on a better level.

 

Perhaps you're seeing someone so young because of your fears and she's a safe zone because you wouldn't see yourself forming anything so serious with someone so young.

[todreaminblue]

i feel when you have a lack of emotions to give, then its not really fair to be in any relationship be it a younger person or not, age isnt key to respect and honesty, it is necessity at any age and in any relationship , if you do not feel anything then i suggest trying to feel or at least understand how the other person is feeling....and let them go before they get hurt if you feel nothing for them bar your own sexual satisfaction especially if they are into you.....and just give yourself time to heal and really want a relationship because you wont be happy if you stay and neither will they.....i wish you well...deb

[nofeelings22]

You all missed the main point, or maybe I missed writing it properly.

 

AGE MAKES NO DIFFERENCE AND IS NOT THE POINT.

 

I have no feelings no matter which girls I am trying to date. In a crowd of 1000 I find maybe 2 girls remotely interesting.

 

No matter how many I date,no matter what age, no matter what, I have the same problem.

 

Could someone advise based on the actual issue?

 

All of these responses are about age or being in a relationship. I can't get into relationships because I have some kind of problem. I can't develop feelings. I can't develop an interest beyond friendship.

 

I am, for some reason, also unable to combine sex and friendship. I can hook up and get sexual satisfaction, but I am having problems giving satisfaction. I am getting scared of it or grossed out by it or something. Like, i don't want to get involved with women's vajays unless I'm in love, and I cannot fall in love or have much feelings beyond friendship. I have no idea why this is.

 

Many, many girls who would be great to get into a relationship with are just going right by because I'm broken and can't progress to anything serious. :/

 

I am soooo stuck!

 

Why is this happening???

 

I don't understand this psychological problem and I'm certainly not getting any younger. I can't miss all of these women because I'm messed up.

Edited May 26, 2014 by nofeelings22

[thelastunicorn]

It sounds like you're afraid of commitment or committing to the wrong woman or maybe these women aren't able to offer you what you need? I'm a woman but I've been accused of being a robot and heartless. I learned that men have to appeal to me on an intellectual level before I can even truly be interested in them. If he can't stimulate my mind then I can't take him seriously. I can't develop feelings for men that haven't taken the time to get to know me. This isn't something I do consciously, it's just how I work.

 

Maybe you work in a similar way and the meaningless sex is heeding your ability to really connect with these women? Maybe find one or two that you think you could possibly develop feelings for, focus on getting to know them and spending time with them outside of the bedroom, then bring in the sex after you have developed feelings. I personally don't have sex with someone I could possibly take seriously until we are in an exclusive relationship. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt or want to make his life more difficult, but because he won't have a chance if we have sex before I care about him.

[Omei]

You all missed the main point, or maybe I missed writing it properly.

 

AGE MAKES NO DIFFERENCE AND IS NOT THE POINT.

 

I have no feelings no matter which girls I am trying to date. In a crowd of 1000 I find maybe 2 girls remotely interesting.

 

No matter how many I date,no matter what age, no matter what, I have the same problem.

 

Could someone advise based on the actual issue?

 

All of these responses are about age or being in a relationship. I can't get into relationships because I have some kind of problem. I can't develop feelings. I can't develop an interest beyond friendship.

 

I am, for some reason, also unable to combine sex and friendship. I can hook up and get sexual satisfaction, but I am having problems giving satisfaction. I am getting scared of it or grossed out by it or something. Like, i don't want to get involved with women's vajays unless I'm in love, and I cannot fall in love or have much feelings beyond friendship. I have no idea why this is.

 

Many, many girls who would be great to get into a relationship with are just going right by because I'm broken and can't progress to anything serious. :/

 

I am soooo stuck!

 

Why is this happening???

 

I don't understand this psychological problem and I'm certainly not getting any younger. I can't miss all of these women because I'm messed up.

 

Didn't miss the point at all we see what you're saying but as I stated because of who you're dating is just out of her teen years any feelings that could come for you I doubt would be for her, your friends with benefits partner and you should look for a different connection.

 

You were married for 10 years and its only a year and a half later you're not ready to open yourself up emotionally and let someone in yet, tho you really want to just cant yet.

 

I dated someone for 5 years and im in the same boat as you, over a year later still not ready tho but I am at the same time.

 

It won't be just any girl for you anymore its going to have to be someone special to get you to open up again.

 

You will feel again when you're truely ready with someone you feel like you can be vulnerable with again it won't be just any girl capable of being a gf.

 

Why do you even need to be with someone? Clearly you're not ready being so emotionally closed off. Take this time to do the things you've always wanted to do in your spare time that you didnt have when you were tied down.

Edited May 26, 2014 by Omei

[BlueIris]

I don’t see you as messed up. I think that LOTS of people feel the way you do after the end of a relationship with someone they loved, and lots of people don’t consider emotionally unattached sex, well, interesting or exciting.

 

Who’s telling you that you’re supposed to feel a certain way, to feel differently than you do? I’d think that’s the only problem, thinking it’s not okay to think and feel the way you do.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's quite normal to not just want to sleep with anyone, neither me or my partner could sleep with someone we're not in love with, or just a friend, it's a turn off.

 

Maybe you're still grieving your ex?

 

I was left after 18 years, age 43, I felt repulsed at even the thought of sex with any new person after that, for several months.

 

I had to go through the grieving process first, with the help of counselling.

In time I met someone I felt attracted to and my feelings and sex drive came back, I was amazed.

 

I would concentrate on getting your life back together, spend time with friends, family, stuff you're interested in, and put thoughts of a new r/ship and sex on the back burner for now, you'll feel ready bit by bit, just don't force it right now.

[nofeelings22]

Thank you for the responses. I just see so many people come out of marriages and dating and hooking up better than before they were married. I thought it was abnormal not to.

[travelbug1996]

I would say its too early after the divorce. Take some time out from dating and do some soul searching. When that woman comes along you will feel again. You just have to be patient and not attribute this phase to being unable to feel. You may still be grieving the loss or maybe haven't even started that process.

[jbelle6]

I am wondering if you have some depression. Just cause that numb feeling I had when I had PPD. I was too embarrassed to ask for help so I suffered a lot longer than I needed to. I tried one med didn't work, then the next one I tried felt like a dark cloud was being lifted and I actually cared about stuff again.

 

I literally woke up before then feeling absolutely nothing, caring about nothing, wanting to do nothing.

 

I'm not saying this is your issue, but just brainstorming ideas with you.

[nofeelings22]

Thanks for all these considerate and encouraging responses. Sure feels a lot better to know this isn't as abnormal as i was thinking it was. Normally, I have lots and lots of emotion. Really enjoy feelings and have strong ones for my partner. I definitely am done with the ex, aside from this little side effect. I feel like i need to find a new best friend and have sex with them. Like, someone who is a good person that shares interests with me. That wants a similar lifestyle. Normally, I go for extremely attractive girls. This time, other than being in good shape (as i am), i feel more likely to want someone who is an awesome person, rather than super hot. I'm finding the type of person they are more attractive than the body.

 

Sounds like my estrogen levels are too high! Doesn't sound like a guy at all.

 

But that's where I am. I'm feeling bored of super hot girls too. One after another, after another. All the same. I'm attracted to substance now. Can't seem to find any though.

 

Sorry, just rambling. Maybe these feelings are part of the larger issue. I'm mostly dating based on looks, as usual, but I'm bored with hot girls that have nothing to offer. Looking for cool girls now I think. Fun, exciting ones who are not tied down to jobs or school or family, that also like to travel.

 

I think simply talking about this issue is helping and making things clearer. Thank you.

Edited May 27, 2014 by nofeelings22

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks for all these considerate and encouraging responses. Sure feels a lot better to know this isn't as abnormal as i was thinking it was. Normally, I have lots and lots of emotion. Really enjoy feelings and have strong ones for my partner. I definitely am done with the ex, aside from this little side effect. I feel like i need to find a new best friend and have sex with them. Like, someone who is a good person that shares interests with me. That wants a similar lifestyle. Normally, I go for extremely attractive girls. This time, other than being in good shape (as i am), i feel more likely to want someone who is an awesome person, rather than super hot. I'm finding the type of person they are more attractive than the body.

 

Sounds like my estrogen levels are too high! Doesn't sound like a guy at all.

 

But that's where I am. I'm feeling bored of super hot girls too. One after another, after another. All the same. I'm attracted to substance now. Can't seem to find any though.

 

Sorry, just rambling. Maybe these feelings are part of the larger issue. I'm mostly dating based on looks, as usual, but I'm bored with hot girls that have nothing to offer. Looking for cool girls now I think. Fun, exciting ones who are not tied down to jobs or school or family, that also like to travel.

 

I think simply talking about this issue is helping and making things clearer. Thank you.

 

 

You will find a balance. You can find attractive women with substance as long as you ease your requirements of her looking like a model...and finding someone that you click with on all levels is hard for everyone

[DArtagnan2]

Thanks for all these considerate and encouraging responses. Sure feels a lot better to know this isn't as abnormal as i was thinking it was. Normally, I have lots and lots of emotion. Really enjoy feelings and have strong ones for my partner. I definitely am done with the ex, aside from this little side effect. I feel like i need to find a new best friend and have sex with them. Like, someone who is a good person that shares interests with me. That wants a similar lifestyle. Normally, I go for extremely attractive girls. This time, other than being in good shape (as i am), i feel more likely to want someone who is an awesome person, rather than super hot. I'm finding the type of person they are more attractive than the body.

 

Sounds like my estrogen levels are too high! Doesn't sound like a guy at all.

 

But that's where I am. I'm feeling bored of super hot girls too. One after another, after another. All the same. I'm attracted to substance now. Can't seem to find any though.

 

Sorry, just rambling. Maybe these feelings are part of the larger issue. I'm mostly dating based on looks, as usual, but I'm bored with hot girls that have nothing to offer. Looking for cool girls now I think. Fun, exciting ones who are not tied down to jobs or school or family, that also like to travel.

 

I think simply talking about this issue is helping and making things clearer. Thank you.

 

It takes time to retrain yourself from what you usually do. You want the best of both worlds, now, where before it was just about how good she looked. My guess is, you are still dating for looks even though you are wanting something more.

 

I know a lot of females who have both, but its more about how you see them. My ex was good looking, but when she showed her ugly side personality wise, she wasn't has attractive to me anymore.

 

Your values on what you are looking for in life are getting to another level as you get older. Those that are ready for more will find they are exactly how you may be. Some will date in an overabundance thinking more is better trying to find a match, others will tailor back and only date when they get that connection with someone, not wanting to waste time with dating a lot. I myself have only dated one gal in the last 2-3 years. I felt and sometimes feel much like you, that I am just uninterested in anyone or maybe the whole dating process. Although, I didn't just go for hot chicks before.

 

All I can say is what I say to myself, be patient with yourself as you transition, stay open minded and continue to be honest with yourself. You will find what fits you, its a matter of time and from what I read here and am witnessing, meeting a lot of what doesn't fit to know the difference.

Edited May 27, 2014 by DArtagnan2

[nofeelings22]

An update...

 

I have been struggling with this for a long time... but... I had a breakthrough last night!

 

Met the coolest chick. Yeah... way younger, but she works at a skate shop, snowboards, shares my interest in travel, thinks exactly the way I do about a lot of things, is responsible and thorough. Does a geat job at everything she does and likes to create things... an artist.

 

She is hot as hell and it finally happened!

 

I was able to have sex with someone again! ))) Real, caring, loving, close sex.

 

I guess it was a matter of meeting the right person to unlock it again. Instead of being grossed out, I was drawn to her. Loved every second of it.

 

So if anyone else has this problem, just be patient. It will click eventually.

[FitChick]

I think she will turn out to be your Transitional Woman. The relationship that will finally put the nail in the coffin of your marriage. It won't last but it will help you focus on what you really want in a relationship. For now, just have fun and make sure she's on birth control or you always wear a condom.

[Mrin]

Congrats brother! A few thoughts for you:

 

1. Hammers and Nails: when you see fellow divorcees, you see them just as divorcees right? What you have to realize is that some are hammers and some are nails - meaning some instigated the divorce and some had it instigated upon them. The healing process for hammers started long before the hammer started to swing. The healing process for nails started when the hammer makes contact. And I would say the healing process for a nail is probably longer than it is for a hammer. So everyone didn't start at the same time. This is a gross generalization I know but it illustrates my point about comparing yourself to others.

 

2. People are unique: everyone is wired differently. You are wired to look for a close emotional connection before physical intimacy. Others find that connection through physical intimacy. I'm more wired like you.

 

3. Meds: sorry to go here but are you taking any medications? Depression and anxiety drugs can certainly dampen things. But other medications for high blood pressure and even nicotine addiction can have side effects. My point in asking this is that you might be feeling some side effects and not have known it until you tried to engage that part of your persona.

 

4. Counseling: from just hearing your reaction to our posts I would suggest seeking a counselor to talk to now and then and maybe even a divorce support group. There is no shame and if anything, it gives you a chance to surface concerns you might have and level check them with a professional or other divorcees. Does that make sense?

 

Good luck dude!

[nofeelings22]

Congrats brother! A few thoughts for you:

 

1. Hammers and Nails: when you see fellow divorcees, you see them just as divorcees right? What you have to realize is that some are hammers and some are nails - meaning some instigated the divorce and some had it instigated upon them. The healing process for hammers started long before the hammer started to swing. The healing process for nails started when the hammer makes contact. And I would say the healing process for a nail is probably longer than it is for a hammer. So everyone didn't start at the same time. This is a gross generalization I know but it illustrates my point about comparing yourself to others.

 

2. People are unique: everyone is wired differently. You are wired to look for a close emotional connection before physical intimacy. Others find that connection through physical intimacy. I'm more wired like you.

 

3. Meds: sorry to go here but are you taking any medications? Depression and anxiety drugs can certainly dampen things. But other medications for high blood pressure and even nicotine addiction can have side effects. My point in asking this is that you might be feeling some side effects and not have known it until you tried to engage that part of your persona.

 

4. Counseling: from just hearing your reaction to our posts I would suggest seeking a counselor to talk to now and then and maybe even a divorce support group. There is no shame and if anything, it gives you a chance to surface concerns you might have and level check them with a professional or other divorcees. Does that make sense?

 

Good luck dude!

 

 

Cool hammer/nail analogy. I like it.

 

I never was wired to have the connection proceed physical intimacy. What happened is that through being married, through plenty of meaningless sex, I found the closer sex is way, way better. Like getting upgraded from Miller Lite to Chimay. You really can't go back to the crappy stuff.

 

No meds here. Just a want for a connection.

[Mrin]

LOL let's hear it for Chimay!

[MissionPossible]

May I ask why you originally married a woman you didn't love? Seems like it may be relevant to the discussion.

[VanillaLife]

It sounds to me like you would benefit from meeting with a professional therapist. I have been doing this post split and it has been very helpful in understanding myself better. Genuinely and highly recommend it

[nofeelings22]

May I ask why you originally married a woman you didn't love? Seems like it may be relevant to the discussion.

 

 

Didn't know what love was, I guess.

 

There is a whole different level of it that develops after 10 years of marriage. Just as with sex there are levels (sex with feelings is amazing), so too... is there another level of love that comes.

 

Does anyone really know what really deep love is until you experience it?

[nofeelings22]

It sounds to me like you would benefit from meeting with a professional therapist. I have been doing this post split and it has been very helpful in understanding myself better. Genuinely and highly recommend it

 

 

Sounds interesting, but when I went post divorce, they basically said I was healthy, fine and needed to focus on my life and let go of the thoughts about my ex.

 

Just spent 3 hours this morning giving my new chick a full body massage, followed by happy ending, followed by more healthy, normal sex.

 

I'm back.

 

Didn't need any kind of therapy other than the right girl who made me feel comfortable.

 

It would be nice to chat with someone about what new goals to set personally and professionally, but it seems a book or some kind of worksheet would be easier and cheaper.

Edited June 7, 2014 by nofeelings22