Never satisfied with men I date

[crederer]

Okay there's a lot of text here in this thread. I read about half of it.

 

No one is perfect. There is no prince charming in real life. If someone makes you happy then they're a good partner. Life isn't a romance novel/film. No one will please you 100 percent of the time. If the postives outweigh the negatives go for it.

 

That's the tl:dr version of it. Good luck, hope it works out for you.

[kaylan]

Dost thou wish to enjoy the pleasures of the fabled land of Les Bos?

 

Edited May 28, 2014 by kaylan

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's not that you are not into him because of the things you listed, it's that you notice these things because you are not into him. Chemistry has nothing to do with lists of pros and cons.

 

I also went on over 100 online dates and didn't really connect with any of them. It felt like going out with completely random men and forcing something to happen. I have since stopped online dating and am living my life..If I happen to meet someone in real life, cool, if not, also cool.

 

Don't let fear force you into a relationship that you will feel miserable in.

[Leigh 87]

So you just want to be really into a guy..

 

You want to feel excited after your first date. Rather than having to grow to love a man, you also want to go through the "in love" stage.

 

Nothing is wrong with that.

[gaius]

Stick with the guys you have chemistry with. No matter how unhealthy they are for you or the fact the relationships might not last. I've seen women who have settled for guys who aren't for them and it makes me cringe with discomfort every time.

[regine_phalange]

If his appearance or his personality (or both) don't give you butterflies, then he isn't for you. I think what happens to you, is that you don't feel attraction and then trying to rationalize why... Thus you think you may be superficial. Don't think about it too much, you are not attracted and this is it :-)

[jphcbpa]

I had to take a look at this (still am) and it might resonate with you....

 

“My gut is on backwards. When it says ‘She’s too boring,’ it probably means she’s perfect for me – Boring means she just doesn’t make me insecure enough.”

“When I feel attracted, I’ve learned to avoid the guy like the plague because it usually means he’s emotionally dangerous – a serial abandoner or something.”

 

worth being mindful and aware of

Edited May 28, 2014 by jphcbpa

[Eivuwan]

Stick with the guys you have chemistry with. No matter how unhealthy they are for you or the fact the relationships might not last. I've seen women who have settled for guys who aren't for them and it makes me cringe with discomfort every time.

 

I don't think she should "settle" but going out with people who are bad for you just because you have chemistry with them is a bad idea. It's important to make decisions with your head as well as with your heart. I mean, in worse case scenarios she could get abused, get stds, etc.

[mr_dave]

I don't think she should "settle" but going out with people who are bad for you just because you have chemistry with them is a bad idea. It's important to make decisions with your head as well as with your heart. I mean, in worse case scenarios she could get abused, get stds, etc.

 

The problem with OLD is that it's incredibly forced, the plain Jane or regular guy doesn't have any chance to grow on you, whereas in real life a few weeks or months of occasional interaction with each other could lead to a strong attraction developing.

 

Don't settle OP, my fear is that (as an average, unremarkable, but kind chap) a desperate (previously wayward?) woman might decide I'm nice enough to settle for, going through the motions without her heart being in it. I would hate to be that guy.

[kaylan]

It's not that you are not into him because of the things you listed, it's that you notice these things because you are not into him. Chemistry has nothing to do with lists of pros and cons.

 

I also went on over 100 online dates and didn't really connect with any of them. It felt like going out with completely random men and forcing something to happen. I have since stopped online dating and am living my life..If I happen to meet someone in real life, cool, if not, also cool.

 

Don't let fear force you into a relationship that you will feel miserable in.

I find a big part of this problem is when people overly fixate on finding "it" and that spark they long for.

 

Sometimes you just have to go out, date a bit, and enjoy your time with someone for what it is. Things wont always be fireworks that lead into a whirlwind romance, and thats fine.

 

Ive been so much more happy with life lately once I accepted that its all a luck of the draw. I know the chemistry I look for is rare, but I still can enjoy myself to different kinds of women. Sure they wont be perfect and tick all the right boxes a lot of the time, but thats cool with me.

[hoping2heal]

I’m never satisfied. If a man likes me, there’s always something wrong with him.

 

Sorry this is so long - but here's some context – I was married to an alcoholic for 9 years. We’ve been divorced for the past 7 years. I had a really intense relationship about 3 ½ years ago and it ended badly.

 

Which is why you are never satisfied with any man and are always fault finding. Hard to be hurt, betrayed, or sucked into a bad marriage by someone if you don't fall for them, right?

 

You're protecting yourself, it's a defense mechanism. I understand why you would have it considering your experience. But, if you're ever going to be in a satisfying and loving relationship you're going to need to confront and deal with this baggage.

 

Since then, I’ve been trying to avoid dating dysfunctional men, but the “nice guys” always seem to have something else wrong with them – or I find something wrong with them. I’m starting to think the problem is me, not them.

 

Actually, I think you're trying to avoid dating all men; dysfunctional or otherwise. There must be some part of you who is yearning for companionship and a romantic relationship. But, that part of you seems to play second fiddle to the part that wants to protect you from ever having to feel that kind of disappointment, hurt, betrayal (add whatever other adjectives describe what that marriage made you feel and excuse any of my presumptuous and inaccurate ones).

 

I think your radar detection of "it's not them, it's me" is spot on.

 

 

There do seem to be some legitimate red flags with the guy, what do you mean by him pressuring you to exercise and eat right? There are some superficial things, but then some legit concerns too.

 

That said, I think it's a tomato - tuhmoto thing. This guy could have nothing wrong and you'd find something (I believe anyway) because of the aforementioned reasons.

[MissBee]

You're just not compatible..and it's perfectly OK.

 

If he was the guy for you you wouldn't even be asking.

 

I have to disagree.

 

The reason is because of OP's history. It's a fact that often women who have been in abusive relationships or who tend to have intense i.e. dysfunctional relationships, that is their "normal" and what feels exciting, romantic and comfortable for them, even though it often ends badly and is destructive but they are absolutely turned off by decent men.

 

Chances are OP will find an intense and amazing connection and ignore the red flags if she comes across her familiar type....a man with some kind of serious problem. I know because I've been there. My type was emotionally unavailable and majority of the relationships I've had where I fell head over heels was for these types of men....it was intense, lots of drama and anxiety but that was my comfortable and I got wet, to put it bluntly, for such situations but show me a healthy man, emotionally available for a relationship and I found every excuse not to be with him. But give me Mr. Unavailable with the red flags and I was blind and found every reason why we should be together.

 

OP...it takes a lot of work and giving it a chance to undo that pattern. While your conscious mind knows it it's not as easy as simply knowing.My current bf is an amazing and healthy guy and I had a hard time with it. He is by no means perfect but the stuff I nitpicked about, I realize that it was my own issues talking and not any solid facts of we're not compatible. I had to actually write down the ways he was a good guy and where he had what I wanted. What was missing was the intensity and drama...it also hit me like lightning that with the unavailable guys I never sat and criticized them...nope...I instead kept finding ways to be with them or get them to commit to me. Something was wrong with that picture! If a man wasn't right for me and I found all these ways to give him a chance...why not give a healthy, available man a chance who deserves it a lot more?

 

This man may or may not be "right" for you....but I would really examine your patterns and what gets you excited and be truthful about if you can only get excited about men who are dysfunctional. Then if such is the case, you may have to get out of your comfort zone, and think of it this way, if you spent 9 years with an abusive alcoholic...you can invest a little more time into seeing how it goes with a man who is not abusive. The things you've listed about him do not seem like horrible things at all and I can relate because every time I met a decent guy I would be so harsh on him but again, give me Mr. Unavailable and I was instantly in love and ready to endure anything and find the ways in which he was wonderful. It should be easy to form healthy relationships with decent men, but if your pattern has been the opposite, it is absolutely difficult, not common sense and it's like your body and mind rebel against it, so you have to actually retrain yourself.

 

Point is: don't be so quick to discard and the advice that you wouldn't feel that way if he was the guy for you may not be true in the case where you have a history of choosing dysfunctional men who felt right. I've been there and it is the most difficult thing to fight the addiction essentially to drama and to sit with a decent man and form a decent relationship. Not every emotionally healthy man is the right man for you but IMO it sounds like there isn't enough there to discard him and it may simply be a case of your old pattern rebelling against him and you needing to sit with it a bit more and fighting the old familiar longings which tell you that this isn't right because it feels different. In fact one advice I got on a blog for women who have generally dated poor men, is that if it feels unfamiliar and different, stick with it, as the old familiar feeling and intensity is a sign that you're choosing the same types of wrong men.

[MissBee]

So you just want to be really into a guy..

 

You want to feel excited after your first date. Rather than having to grow to love a man, you also want to go through the "in love" stage.

 

Nothing is wrong with that.

 

The problem with this in her case is that most of the men she was "instantly" in love with were people not suitable for her.

 

Hence, the idea that what people call chemistry is not always some romantic positive sign but you can have intense chemistry with people totally unsuitable for you and if you want a shot at a good relationship, if your pattern has been to prioritize instant chemistry, maybe you need to do something you haven't done before, to get something you haven't gotten before instead of doing the same old thing which results in the same old thing.

[Tressugar]

You sound like me! I will ferret any and all flaws... even in the "perfect" guys. I would still be single if it wasn't for my parents to tell me that I am NOT perfect therefore I wasn't going to find anyone else who was going to be perfect. I needed that wake up call.

 

And trust me I dated top of the line men and will still be critical of them. The men in my past and my parents finally told me it was me who had the hang ups.

 

Your situation is hopefully different than mine was. In the end, I found out it was me and not any of these men I have dated.

[GravityMan]

Attraction and chemistry are not scientific, logical or rational things. They are more deeply rooted in emotion, in gut feelings, in one's subconscious. There doesn't really need to be a tangible reason why you aren't feeling this guy or that guy. It is not unusual for a person to meet someone who's apparently their "type" in every way imaginable, who has his/her act together on multiple fronts...and yet that spark just ain't there. Nothing wrong with either person...there's just no chemistry.

 

I also think attraction is not black-and-white. You can have white-hot attraction for one dude, fairly solid attraction for another, lukewarm attraction for another, mixed feelings for another and zero for 99% of the rest. The degree of intensity can also change over time.

 

It's true for many people that when they meet the right person...they just KNOW. The spark is either there immediately or surfaces very quickly. You two just click, and neither person has to try very hard. Conversation, etc. suddenly flows very easily and organically. Unimportant things like his ability to drive a manual transmission vehicle or his running speed suddenly become completely irrelevant; you just don't care about that stuff anymore.

 

That is where online dating, with its "matching algorithms" and whatnot, falls short.

 

Chemistry is obviously very important and a must-have for almost everyone. However, be careful not to put all of your eggs into the "chemistry" basket. At some point (before entering the "serious" phase), you should take into consideration important practical and moral things, such as his money management skills, his treatment of you and others, his religious views if any, his employment status, and so on. After all, we all live in cold hard reality.

[udolipixie]

I doubt the problem is you though I go by the reasoning of it's not you when there's no one you like but it's you when no one likes you.

 

Likely it could be the environment that you're not meeting guys you're satisfied with.

 

I don't think it's ridiculous to want attraction to a guy who doesn't make you jealous, doesn't make you feel guilty, and pressures you to do things mentioning other gals as a motivation/inspiration (?).

 

To me you're just not compatible.

[mr_dave]

I have to disagree.

 

The reason is because of OP's history. It's a fact that often women who have been in abusive relationships or who tend to have intense i.e. dysfunctional relationships, that is their "normal" and what feels exciting, romantic and comfortable for them, even though it often ends badly and is destructive but they are absolutely turned off by decent men.

 

Chances are OP will find an intense and amazing connection and ignore the red flags if she comes across her familiar type....a man with some kind of serious problem. I know because I've been there. My type was emotionally unavailable and majority of the relationships I've had where I fell head over heels was for these types of men....it was intense, lots of drama and anxiety but that was my comfortable and I got wet, to put it bluntly, for such situations but show me a healthy man, emotionally available for a relationship and I found every excuse not to be with him. But give me Mr. Unavailable with the red flags and I was blind and found every reason why we should be together.

 

OP...it takes a lot of work and giving it a chance to undo that pattern. While your conscious mind knows it it's not as easy as simply knowing.My current bf is an amazing and healthy guy and I had a hard time with it. He is by no means perfect but the stuff I nitpicked about, I realize that it was my own issues talking and not any solid facts of we're not compatible. I had to actually write down the ways he was a good guy and where he had what I wanted. What was missing was the intensity and drama...it also hit me like lightning that with the unavailable guys I never sat and criticized them...nope...I instead kept finding ways to be with them or get them to commit to me. Something was wrong with that picture! If a man wasn't right for me and I found all these ways to give him a chance...why not give a healthy, available man a chance who deserves it a lot more?

 

This man may or may not be "right" for you....but I would really examine your patterns and what gets you excited and be truthful about if you can only get excited about men who are dysfunctional. Then if such is the case, you may have to get out of your comfort zone, and think of it this way, if you spent 9 years with an abusive alcoholic...you can invest a little more time into seeing how it goes with a man who is not abusive. The things you've listed about him do not seem like horrible things at all and I can relate because every time I met a decent guy I would be so harsh on him but again, give me Mr. Unavailable and I was instantly in love and ready to endure anything and find the ways in which he was wonderful. It should be easy to form healthy relationships with decent men, but if your pattern has been the opposite, it is absolutely difficult, not common sense and it's like your body and mind rebel against it, so you have to actually retrain yourself.

 

Point is: don't be so quick to discard and the advice that you wouldn't feel that way if he was the guy for you may not be true in the case where you have a history of choosing dysfunctional men who felt right. I've been there and it is the most difficult thing to fight the addiction essentially to drama and to sit with a decent man and form a decent relationship. Not every emotionally healthy man is the right man for you but IMO it sounds like there isn't enough there to discard him and it may simply be a case of your old pattern rebelling against him and you needing to sit with it a bit more and fighting the old familiar longings which tell you that this isn't right because it feels different. In fact one advice I got on a blog for women who have generally dated poor men, is that if it feels unfamiliar and different, stick with it, as the old familiar feeling and intensity is a sign that you're choosing the same types of wrong men.

 

Thing is though, what guy wants a girlfriend who had to train themself to like him or even give him a chance? Not exactly a flattering thought is it?

[Leigh 87]

I have to disagree.

 

The reason is because of OP's history. It's a fact that often women who have been in abusive relationships or who tend to have intense i.e. dysfunctional relationships, that is their "normal" and what feels exciting, romantic and comfortable for them, even though it often ends badly and is destructive but they are absolutely turned off by decent men.

 

Chances are OP will find an intense and amazing connection and ignore the red flags if she comes across her familiar type....a man with some kind of serious problem. I know because I've been there. My type was emotionally unavailable and majority of the relationships I've had where I fell head over heels was for these types of men....it was intense, lots of drama and anxiety but that was my comfortable and I got wet, to put it bluntly, for such situations but show me a healthy man, emotionally available for a relationship and I found every excuse not to be with him. But give me Mr. Unavailable with the red flags and I was blind and found every reason why we should be together.

 

OP...it takes a lot of work and giving it a chance to undo that pattern. While your conscious mind knows it it's not as easy as simply knowing.My current bf is an amazing and healthy guy and I had a hard time with it. He is by no means perfect but the stuff I nitpicked about, I realize that it was my own issues talking and not any solid facts of we're not compatible. I had to actually write down the ways he was a good guy and where he had what I wanted. What was missing was the intensity and drama...it also hit me like lightning that with the unavailable guys I never sat and criticized them...nope...I instead kept finding ways to be with them or get them to commit to me. Something was wrong with that picture! If a man wasn't right for me and I found all these ways to give him a chance...why not give a healthy, available man a chance who deserves it a lot more?

 

This man may or may not be "right" for you....but I would really examine your patterns and what gets you excited and be truthful about if you can only get excited about men who are dysfunctional. Then if such is the case, you may have to get out of your comfort zone, and think of it this way, if you spent 9 years with an abusive alcoholic...you can invest a little more time into seeing how it goes with a man who is not abusive. The things you've listed about him do not seem like horrible things at all and I can relate because every time I met a decent guy I would be so harsh on him but again, give me Mr. Unavailable and I was instantly in love and ready to endure anything and find the ways in which he was wonderful. It should be easy to form healthy relationships with decent men, but if your pattern has been the opposite, it is absolutely difficult, not common sense and it's like your body and mind rebel against it, so you have to actually retrain yourself.

 

 

 

Point is: don't be so quick to discard and the advice that you wouldn't feel that way if he was the guy for you may not be true in the case where you have a history of choosing dysfunctional men who felt right. I've been there and it is the most difficult thing to fight the addiction essentially to drama and to sit with a decent man and form a decent relationship. Not every emotionally healthy man is the right man for you but IMO it sounds like there isn't enough there to discard him and it may simply be a case of your old pattern rebelling against him and you needing to sit with it a bit more and fighting the old familiar longings which tell you that this isn't right because it feels different. In fact one advice I got on a blog for women who have generally dated poor men, is that if it feels unfamiliar and different, stick with it, as the old familiar feeling and intensity is a sign that you're choosing the same types of wrong men.

 

 

I felt intense chemistry and was head over heels for my boyfriend and he also proved to treat me wonderfully.

 

I never had a complex of only feeling intensity with drama. I also feel good chemistry for nice guys too.

 

Not sure why so many people insist that intense sparks and instant Chemistry go hand in hand with drama.

[salparadise]

You're protecting yourself, it's a defense mechanism. I understand why you would have it considering your experience. But, if you're ever going to be in a satisfying and loving relationship you're going to need to confront and deal with this baggage.

 

Actually, I think you're trying to avoid dating all men; dysfunctional or otherwise. There must be some part of you who is yearning for companionship and a romantic relationship. But, that part of you seems to play second fiddle to the part that wants to protect you from ever having to feel that kind of disappointment, hurt, betrayal.

 

I think your radar detection of "it's not them, it's me" is spot on.

 

The reason is because of OP's history. It's a fact that often women who have been in abusive relationships or who tend to have intense i.e. dysfunctional relationships, that is their "normal" and what feels exciting, romantic and comfortable for them, even though it often ends badly and is destructive but they are absolutely turned off by decent men.

 

Chances are OP will find an intense and amazing connection and ignore the red flags if she comes across her familiar type....a man with some kind of serious problem.

 

This man may or may not be "right" for you....but I would really examine your patterns and what gets you excited and be truthful about if you can only get excited about men who are dysfunctional. Then if such is the case, you may have to get out of your comfort zone, and think of it this way, if you spent 9 years with an abusive alcoholic...you can invest a little more time into seeing how it goes with a man who is not abusive.

 

^^^ OP, I think you should pay attention to these two posts. It is possible that you're configured as MissBee describes and need to reprogram. It's also possible that this guy simply doesn't flip your switch independently of said patterns.

 

What you do know though, is that you aren't sufficiently attracted because you don't get positive feelings when you consider the possibility of sleeping with him. So my suggestion would be to end it with this guy and find a good therapist to help you figure out if and/or why your feelings don't seem to align with your cognitive intentions. It probably wasn't an accident that you married an alcoholic. Was there addiction or dysfunction in your nuclear family?

[preraph]

I know it sometimes seems like we reject people for petty reasons, but the truth is our personalities and attraction have to both be compatible, and it is not easy to find that and some people never do. But you don't want to live your life with some guy nagging you about eating healthy because there are sound psychological reasons not to, the biggest one being him telling you want to do sets him up as a father figure -- and psychologists will tell you that no one wants to have sex with someone who has become a parental figure to them! So that's perfectly logical.

 

The small things like them being spineless, I have been there. It was all good enough for me for some time because I like to be the leader, but at some point I decided I didn't see the POINT in coupling up for the long term with someone who actually isn't a more equal partner. As a woman, I don't want a bossy brut (not even as bossy as me!) but I want someone with ambition and drive and one that can do some man things, you know, like make me feel safe in a crisis, etc.

 

If you think these small things drive you crazy this early on -- think how sick to death you'd be of them 3 years from now!! So you just keep looking, but also keep expanding yourself and growing as a person and finding new interests to expand the likelihood of meeting more and different men.