waiting4u Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I’m never satisfied. If a man likes me, there’s always something wrong with him. Sorry this is so long - but here's some context – I was married to an alcoholic for 9 years. We’ve been divorced for the past 7 years. I had a really intense relationship about 3 ½ years ago and it ended badly. Since then, I’ve been trying to avoid dating dysfunctional men, but the “nice guys” always seem to have something else wrong with them – or I find something wrong with them. I’m starting to think the problem is me, not them. Last year, I dated a man who lived in a city that I traveled to frequently for work. We were together about 4 months, and then I broke up with him basically because he always agreed with me – to the point of being spineless. He also was in a long, court battle with his ex-wife that I didn’t like much. Otherwise, he was a perfectly nice man – financially and emotionally stable, had a Ph.D., a great job, and basically adored me. Recently I’ve met another really nice guy – he also adores me, has lovely manners, works out, doesn’t mind that I have children, is an accomplished businessman, and has a cordial and friendly relationship with his ex-wife. I feel very comfortable and happy around him in general. Here’s what’s wrong with THIS poor guy: 1) I’m not intensely attracted to him – I find him good-looking, but not extraordinarily so. 2) He has a beautiful, Japanese ex-girlfriend, whom he may or may not be over. They broke up last fall. He talks about her, but it’s often when I inquire, and he has nothing but nice things to say about her. I am quite jealous. 3) He is rather obsessed with running. Now, granted, I’m a runner as well, but he’s a good 4 minutes per mile faster than me, so I have no desire to go running with him (although he keeps asking me to go). He is always discussing his workouts, which makes me feel guilty that I only work out 4 times a week instead of every day. 4) I feel like he pressures me to exercise and eat right (which I sort of do – but it’s an issue fraught with guilt). He’s very slender and eats super healthy. I’m turning 40 and carrying about 15 extra pounds. I’m not overweight by any stretch of the imagination (Basically 36-28-36), but I feel self-conscious about my inability to lose weight (I’ve been trying and trying – I think it’s a hormonal thing – pre-menopause) and I’m trying to learn to love myself the way I am. Yesterday he mentioned how slender his ex-girlfriend is – apparently because she’s Japanese. 5) He dresses super casual to the point of sloppy – shorts, t-shirts and running shoes on dinner dates – when I show up in heels and a skirt. He claims that he even wears khakis and polo shirts to work and never dresses up. I’m really interested in fashion and always try to look nice – handbags, shoes, accessories, etc. And he shows up looking sort of messy. He’s a really nice guy. Am I just being ridiculous?? Are we just not compatible? Or do I totally need therapy?
GemmaUK Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You're just not compatible..and it's perfectly OK. If he was the guy for you you wouldn't even be asking. 3
Author waiting4u Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 You're just not compatible..and it's perfectly OK. If he was the guy for you you wouldn't even be asking. Well, that sucks. I like him and don't want to stop seeing him - I'm just so crazy critical. These are little things though, aren't they?
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Are you meeting all these men online? I ask because that may be why you don't really click. If you were out and about and saw a guy who's style was right up your alley you'd be over the moon. Online your getting a mixed bag and even though they seem perfect on paper you never truly know what your gonna end up with. Not to be materialistic but if you met a man IRL in a nice suit, some nice shoes, sharp neat hair cut you'd be all for it. This guy your talking about now if you are honest with yourself you would've probably walked right past him IRL. You are not crazy to feel insulted about the ex gf. Very rude of him to bring up how thin she was and mention your workout habits. He probably wouldn't like to be told how much better an ex of yours was. Sounds to me like you just aren't meeting the right guys. That's a normal challenge. No one you meet is going to be perfect. If there's enough to like about the person maybe you should let some things go and just work on the relationship. 1
GemmaUK Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 He really ought to be able to scrub up for a nice meal out though. 'Fraid I am not so sure he has all of his other stuff together as much as he claims. It doesn't fit together somehow. Something tells me he has found your weak spots..that you have children and are not teeny tiny shaped. (these are not bad things by any means..you're a human being and they are normal things) Forgive me as I may be wrong and it could just be my interpretation of what you have posted. Stick with it and see if anything else sparks an instinct in you. Just don't ignore any instincts. 1
Author waiting4u Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Yeah, I think I'm probably just not that into him. I suppose I'm starting to think, as I'm approaching 40, that I should just settle down with someone already. I tend to date guys I feel like I should date rather than guys I'm really attracted to. I'm cutting this one loose, which is kind of a shame, as I've put 4 dates into it and he seems like a really nice guy generally. I think what freaked me out was the idea of sleeping with him - I didn't really want to, which says a lot. Moving on - and not settling. I'm still pretty foxy . . . 1
BikerAccnt Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I think the problem is too often we expect Mr or Ms perfect right off the bat. What I mean is, by the time we reach a certain age, we all have baggage, and carry things we've learned, for good or bad, along the way. All of us do. None of us past the age of 35 or so are a clean slate. I try to see if the good outweighs the bad, and if the bad aren't outright deal breakers, I try to overlook them. Not because I am ignoring "signs or red flags" but because these things are part of the makeup of the woman I am dating. And just because it's not an optimal trait, doesn't mean it's not a good one. The woman I have been seeing now, and am falling hard for, isn't what I'd consider the typical type I'm attracted to. Still, the more I get to know her and care for her, the more beautiful she becomes. Many guys would have turned away when she mentioned her breast cancer, and reconstructed breasts. I didn't. Was that my optimal? Certainly not. However, had I made optimal a sticking point I wouldn't have found out just how beautiful and strong she is. She's got two kids, older true, but I always said I didn't want to get involved with someone with kids. Turns out, wrong again. I guess what I'm saying is that waiting around for the absolutely perfect person right at the start, doesn't give you the chance to find out if they are perfect, but that you just don't know it yet. 1
firmness Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 The problem is you. At least in part. I am no psychologist, but you sound a bit narcissistic. Now don't get defensive! Look it up and you will see that this is not an insult, but an honest observation. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and take notes. That being said, you seem like a reasonable person and are willing to put your self out there for criticism, so that means you are in good shape. What you are experiencing is America. American culture is devoid of wholesomeness. Even what is wholesome is packaged and shipped and sold to us in plastic wrapping (bottled water is an example). You will likely be a serial monogamist for the rest of your life. Before that you will also likely get married (high statistical probability there) and have kids (another high chance). You will also likely get bored and develop a strong desire to upgrade to a better man (AKA Hypergamy) or need to "find yourself again". You are then 70% likely to be the one to file for divorce. You will then likely get a sizable chunk of your ex'es income until the kids move out, by which time you are very likely to be in another relationship. Then you will be mid 40's and engage in a several year dating binge - Tinder will likely be a thing of the past by then, but there will be other ways to hook up. This will get tiring to you, and you will start to hate men. You will see them as pigs and dogs. Just like you have always been told they are. Your behaviors and experiences will reinforce this. And that is where the crystal ball goes dark. Your looks have faded and you cannot work the MILF thing any longer. You will want a good man, but by then the truly best men will be with their life partners. Those women will have learned to be spiritual. They will have learned by then that they have been sold a lie - about marriage, the expectations that come with it, and the dynamic between men and women. These women will accept their man for who he is - because he will be a good man with flaws and bumps, and balding and a bit chubby. But he will be stable, and fun, and easygoing. He will make sure bad guys do not get into the house and that things around the house are fixed. And he will let his woman lean on him and he will lean too. Mutual dependency and acceptance of a person for who they are. That is where those women will be. But your chances, based on my read of your post are so slim that I do not see you getting there - ever. Unless you change your perspective and learn what is most important. Good luck. 2
HappyLove Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 The problem is you. At least in part. I am no psychologist, but you sound a bit narcissistic. Now don't get defensive! Look it up and you will see that this is not an insult, but an honest observation. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and take notes. That being said, you seem like a reasonable person and are willing to put your self out there for criticism, so that means you are in good shape. What you are experiencing is America. American culture is devoid of wholesomeness. Even what is wholesome is packaged and shipped and sold to us in plastic wrapping (bottled water is an example). You will likely be a serial monogamist for the rest of your life. Before that you will also likely get married (high statistical probability there) and have kids (another high chance). You will also likely get bored and develop a strong desire to upgrade to a better man (AKA Hypergamy) or need to "find yourself again". You are then 70% likely to be the one to file for divorce. You will then likely get a sizable chunk of your ex'es income until the kids move out, by which time you are very likely to be in another relationship. Then you will be mid 40's and engage in a several year dating binge - Tinder will likely be a thing of the past by then, but there will be other ways to hook up. This will get tiring to you, and you will start to hate men. You will see them as pigs and dogs. Just like you have always been told they are. Your behaviors and experiences will reinforce this. And that is where the crystal ball goes dark. Your looks have faded and you cannot work the MILF thing any longer. You will want a good man, but by then the truly best men will be with their life partners. Those women will have learned to be spiritual. They will have learned by then that they have been sold a lie - about marriage, the expectations that come with it, and the dynamic between men and women. These women will accept their man for who he is - because he will be a good man with flaws and bumps, and balding and a bit chubby. But he will be stable, and fun, and easygoing. He will make sure bad guys do not get into the house and that things around the house are fixed. And he will let his woman lean on him and he will lean too. Mutual dependency and acceptance of a person for who they are. That is where those women will be. But your chances, based on my read of your post are so slim that I do not see you getting there - ever. Unless you change your perspective and learn what is most important. Good luck. Wow, can you tell me if I'm gonna win the lotto? 1
Author waiting4u Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 The problem is you. At least in part. I am no psychologist, but you sound a bit narcissistic. Now don't get defensive! Look it up and you will see that this is not an insult, but an honest observation. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and take notes. That being said, you seem like a reasonable person and are willing to put your self out there for criticism, so that means you are in good shape. What you are experiencing is America. American culture is devoid of wholesomeness. Even what is wholesome is packaged and shipped and sold to us in plastic wrapping (bottled water is an example). You will likely be a serial monogamist for the rest of your life. Before that you will also likely get married (high statistical probability there) and have kids (another high chance). You will also likely get bored and develop a strong desire to upgrade to a better man (AKA Hypergamy) or need to "find yourself again". You are then 70% likely to be the one to file for divorce. You will then likely get a sizable chunk of your ex'es income until the kids move out, by which time you are very likely to be in another relationship. Then you will be mid 40's and engage in a several year dating binge - Tinder will likely be a thing of the past by then, but there will be other ways to hook up. This will get tiring to you, and you will start to hate men. You will see them as pigs and dogs. Just like you have always been told they are. Your behaviors and experiences will reinforce this. And that is where the crystal ball goes dark. Your looks have faded and you cannot work the MILF thing any longer. You will want a good man, but by then the truly best men will be with their life partners. Those women will have learned to be spiritual. They will have learned by then that they have been sold a lie - about marriage, the expectations that come with it, and the dynamic between men and women. These women will accept their man for who he is - because he will be a good man with flaws and bumps, and balding and a bit chubby. But he will be stable, and fun, and easygoing. He will make sure bad guys do not get into the house and that things around the house are fixed. And he will let his woman lean on him and he will lean too. Mutual dependency and acceptance of a person for who they are. That is where those women will be. But your chances, based on my read of your post are so slim that I do not see you getting there - ever. Unless you change your perspective and learn what is most important. Good luck. LOL Aren't you a ray of sunshine.
Keenly Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 It sounds Luke when you are dating, instead of basking in the warmth of the good, you pull out a magnifying glass and scour every corner for all the bad. It sounds like your just searching for reasons NOT to be with these men. Are you sure you really want to date? 1
clia Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 What changed after Date 4? Prior to that you seemed really into him (at least based on your posts!) Did you sleep with him? A lot of the "issues" you raised sound like insecurity on your part -- insecurity due to his beautiful ex, his obsession with fitness/exercise/health, insecurity due to his appearance when you go out. 2
mammasita Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I think its just a matter of finding someone you "click" with. I've dated guys/men who were "perfect" on paper, who my friends were in love with to the point that they should have been dating them had they not been married or otherwise involved. I, on the other hand found every stupid flaw I could: - he couldn't drive a standard car - he didn't shower immediately after we got back from a weekend trip - he lifted his shirt up and scratched his back like a babboon - he liked to watch Bridezillas with me - he was too nice to me the list goes on...... Could my list be any more insane? I'm sure, without a doubt, had I been more attracted and "clicked" with this guy - this stupid list wouldn't exist. 1
Author waiting4u Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 It sounds Luke when you are dating, instead of basking in the warmth of the good, you pull out a magnifying glass and scour every corner for all the bad. It sounds like your just searching for reasons NOT to be with these men. Are you sure you really want to date? I want to date, but I've been dating men that are supposedly "good for me" rather than men I have great chemistry with. My work is rather solitary and I don't meet a lot of men organically, so I have done mostly online dating or dating men I meet at work conferences. And I am trying to do some self-examination here. Thing is - I've been in love. I remember the fireworks, the giddiness, the not being able to find anything wrong with the person because you are so head over heels. I think I'm becoming irritated by little things because I'm just not that interested - whereas I feel like I SHOULD be interested. I think my upcoming birthday (turning 40) has me feeling pressured to find someone and settle down, so rather than wait for the right one I'm settling with someone adequate for the purposes of companionship.
Phoe Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I do think you are being very overly critical about things that mean nothing in the longterm. Honestly, HOW is him running faster than you a relationship dealbreaker? But I also think it sounds like you're not really into him. If you were really into him, the things you've found to be critical about, would be nothing. Because they ARE nothing. Those are meaningless things to be critical about. 3
Author waiting4u Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I think its just a matter of finding someone you "click" with. I've dated guys/men who were "perfect" on paper, who my friends were in love with to the point that they should have been dating them had they not been married or otherwise involved. I, on the other hand found every stupid flaw I could: - he couldn't drive a standard car - he didn't shower immediately after we got back from a weekend trip - he lifted his shirt up and scratched his back like a babboon - he liked to watch Bridezillas with me - he was too nice to me the list goes on...... Could my list be any more insane? I'm sure, without a doubt, had I been more attracted and "clicked" with this guy - this stupid list wouldn't exist. This is exactly what I'm doing. You know when it's right and then those little things don't matter. 1
mammasita Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 This is exactly what I'm doing. You know when it's right and then those little things don't matter. And it was because I did exactly what you were doing....Trying to do something outside the box because he was good for me. There will be someone who is good for you and doesn't grind your gears. If you're finding silly flaws with this guy you're seeing now, then he can't be it. 1
Author waiting4u Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 What changed after Date 4? Prior to that you seemed really into him (at least based on your posts!) Did you sleep with him? A lot of the "issues" you raised sound like insecurity on your part -- insecurity due to his beautiful ex, his obsession with fitness/exercise/health, insecurity due to his appearance when you go out. No, I didn't sleep with him. And I think it was the idea of sleeping with him that made me freak out. I don't want to sleep with him. Yeah, I am kind of insecure generally when dating. I'm working on it. The point is that there wasn't anything to balance out the negative emotions I was feeling. It wasn't exciting to be around him, to kiss him, etc. It was just sort of blah.
Gaeta Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Nothing is wrong with you, you just have not connected with any of them yet. It's not because a man is perfect on paper that you should automatically feel chemistry with him. You find yourself criticising every little thing because you're not into him and it's your way of talking yourself out of it. I met 100 + men and connected with very few of them, and those I connected with were not even paper perfect. I met perfect gentlemen with careers and stability and felt nothing for them then I met this dude that never finished his high school, worked at minimum wages, owed his @ss to government and I felt in love with him like I was 15 again. You don't control who you will fall for. 2
ThaWholigan Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 What you are experiencing is America. American culture is devoid of wholesomeness. Even what is wholesome is packaged and shipped and sold to us in plastic wrapping (bottled water is an example). OP is from UK.
Author waiting4u Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 OP is from UK. Lol Firmness is a troll anyway. 1
Charlie Harper Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Nothing is wrong with you, you just have not connected with any of them yet. It's not because a man is perfect on paper that you should automatically feel chemistry with him. You find yourself criticising every little thing because you're not into him and it's your way of talking yourself out of it. I met 100 + men and connected with very few of them, and those I connected with were not even paper perfect. I met perfect gentlemen with careers and stability and felt nothing for them then I met this dude that never finished his high school, worked at minimum wages, owed his @ss to government and I felt in love with him like I was 15 again. You don't control who you will fall for. Quoted for truth !!! The problem is that to feel the connection, you have to meet people on REAL LIFE, OLD doesn't and its very cold, and you can be different on line that on real life. You have to find someone who can give you stomach butterflies, and also who is a person you can admire and on top of that one that likes you back…. if you settle for someone who lacks those things DISASTER AND HURT is the name of the game. One of my friends is a woman who does triathlons, and she is beautiful and VERY fit, today I ran 11 miles behind her and yep she got a body to die for, I like her a lot, but chemistry wise..mmm for me its like boring, always doing something, running, and working…so even if she is beautiful and fit and I know she digs me, I won't get into anything not because I am playing hast to get, but because I know eventually I will get bored (not from sex, but sex is not 100% of a relationship)..so why get into something where I don't feel like going nuts for her…. Chemistry is more important than what people believe...
SugarLips72 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I hear you girl. I am also sick to death of dating and find something wrong with every guy I date. For me the most important thing is attraction. If you are attracted to him then that is the first step and see if everything else has a work around. This man obviously likes you. I would not be concerned about the petite Japanese girlfriend. None of what you mentioned would be deal breakers to me. For me those are no job or half ass job, living at home, no car, bad teeth, or just a huge dope in general.
firmness Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Wow, can you tell me if I'm gonna win the lotto? Yes I can tell you. I can virtually guarantee you with near 100% accuracy that you will never win the lottery.
firmness Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 OP is from UK. I stand corrected. Still though, OP sounds a bit self-absorbed if I can put it kindly. Of course she is going to call me a troll. That is what people do when they feel attacked. We can either listen to others who try to tell us the horrible truth, or we can listen to those who tell us what we want to hear. But name calling is never a good idea. 2
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