Lucygolds Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 My H and I have had many issues throughout the years. A few months ago I found many questionable searches ond FB. Looking for women between 23 and 29 in all the areas he travels for work. Several women's pages, gentleman's clubs and a repeated search for a woman named Sasha. He never found her but he had looked for her every month for 8 months. So, I asked a lot of questions got all kinds of different answers. I kind of let it all slide because I was having my own A. My A ended a month ago when my exMOM's wife found out. I confessed all to my H and we have had lots of ups and downs. I have also been pushing for the truth about Sasha and ow. It has started with his FB was hacked to finally he admitted she was a waitress at twin peaks (a hooters type place) she mentioned looking for a new job and he was going to offer her one.......makes no sense. I realize the fact that I had a 6 month relationship with another man makes me no better. I miss my exMOM but I also want to fix my M and my family. I am confused and not sure which way to go. My questions are, Did you stay with your S after the A or did you D? How long after the A did you decide to D? When did you know it was over? Or if you stayed how are things now and how long has it been? I am just trying to sort out all my own feelings and figure out which way I need to go. Hearing others experiences are helping me cope.
xtymorgan Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Lucy, Wow. What a story. I'll have to be honest, my first reaction is to tell you to move on. The fact that both of you have been unfaithful (and I'm not judging you by the way) to the marriage shows that something is terribly wrong. Is it possible for you both to move on and reconcile? Yes. It happens all the time. But my question for you is this -u is this REALLY the love of your life? If u are willing and able to have an affair and he is willing and able to be unfaithful too, then maybe you are not right for each other. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but I seriously believe that if you are with your soul mate (mutually) then no one would be straying. That being said, I'll tell you that I am a complete hypocrite. My H is currently having an A and has moved out of the house. I've been letting him come back to sleep in my bed 2-3 times per week since the separation no matter how badly his A is hurting me. I just really still feel like he's the love of my life. But when I really reflect on it, and when I read comments from other members on here, I am slowly beginning to realize that perhaps that is not true. If he truly loved me and I was his soul mate, he would not have fallen for another woman. So now I am facing trying to practice the 180 everyone on here is talking about. I need to force him to sign the divorce papers and let him go. I took the first step last night by not letting him come over to see me (after he'd most likely been with her all day). Just try to remember, there may be someone else out there for you that God has planned for you to be with and you're just killing time, not wanting to let go out of the love you have for your H, which is TOTALLY understandable. Try to take a step back from the situation and look at it from an outsider's point of view. Mutual A's spells big-time trouble for a marriage. Lastly, I'll say that if you BOTH truly love each other and you BOTH truly want to make your marriage work, there's a lot of work that needs to be done on BOTH parts to prove your foregoing loyalty. You BOTH need to stop looking outside of your marriage for comfort and instead look to each other. Go to counseling, make a mutual promise to one another to be faithful from this point forward and do all the work that is necessary to rebuild from here. I know, I've given you conflicting pieces of advice but it's not a simple problem. It's very complicated therefore, so is my answer. I can see it both ways, but my instinct is to tell you that it might be better for you both to move on. If you decide, however, to stand your ground and save your marriage, you BOTH have to be willing to work for it. Best of luck.
snappytomcat Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 lucy im sorry to say,but I thinks its time to move on,you both had affairs he never wants you to speak of his affair,but he rubs your affair in your face,hes playing games,its all about him,and him only,even threatening to take the kids away so you never see them. usually I would say stay,and try to work it out,cause you both f*cked up,but not now after reading about him looking for other woman,you deserve way better than this take care
Author Lucygolds Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Thank you both for your advice. I really appreciate everyone's advice and support. I am very confused on what I should do. While yes I do love my husband, I am not if I am still in love. I want things to work out. I want us to have a happy family but I really feel like we would be happier apart. We have so much history and two amazing kids. He really is a good father and I don't want him not to be a part of the kids lives. Right now everything is so raw I am afraid he will make some stupid choices that will lead him to run away and the kids and I to suffer financially and mentally. My hope is to get a job, save some money, finish my personal training certification, get him into MC (I have had one session on my own) and see if we can R or get him to realize that we need to part on a peaceful level for the kids. My heart says he cheated or at the very least wanted to. I did cheat and still miss my exMOM like crazy. We are so far from anything but at least I kind of feel like we are starting to talk some. He says his actions were wrong but he did not cheat. I just can't believe it. He does understand that I cheated because he made me feel alone. Like I was only good for cleaning, cooking, child care and sex yet still not good enough. I am not saying that gave me a right to cheat but that is why it was easy for me to fall in love with another man.
revelations Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Luckygolds, It sounds to me that you were the only one to cheat and because you are not trustworthy or faithful you think that your BH lacks these qualities as well. You sound to me like a WW that is trying to find anything you can to drag your BH down to your level. You also sound like you lack remorse or guilt for what you have done and instead you are pining away for your xMOM. You would probably still be with xMOM and searching for something to blame your BH with if things had not fallen apart with xMOM. In short you sound like the worse kind of WW that their is. Do your BH a favor and the rest of the men out their. Leave him and stay out of relationships with men. I mean at least show you have a little bit of compassion. Men are not your disposable play things for you to try and blame for your own shortcomings. Get yourself into IC and at least get to the point were you view men as humans. However I can tell you what kind of man you deserve right now, and that is NONE.
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