Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 I also noticed that he has trouble following details of my conversation sometimes ...is that ADD or part of his other issues ? Seems odd at times. Looking at the situation through this website, I can see how ridiculous this sounds. And someone isn't going to act 110% differently w one person over another right? His toxic behavior of suicide , passive aggressive and yelling "F U" at her... Could easily happen to me too... I'm just surprised this woman is still so close to him. I know it is for their son... But still.
snowflakes88 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 The fact that you are so hesitant to end this already toxic relationship is very concerning. You've been dating for 3 WEEKS... you'd think you'd invested a substantial amount of time and just found out all of these things, given how torn you are about walking away. Is he THAT cute? Are you THAT desperate? THAT afraid of being alone?? 3
ASG Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Well, first I'll disclaim that the drug use doesn't really phase me much. It's so common practice in my line of work to do coke or smoke pot, I don't even bat an eyelid. I would also not discard a person with a mental illness that is being treated for it. One of my best friends has bi polar as well and she is fine when she's on the meds. Should she not have a chance at happiness? (She is engaged) But, I do think this particular specimen might be a bit much. First and foremost because he doesn't seem to be over his ex. I mean... you've been dating for 3 weeks and you've heard HOW MANY STORIES about her?? And all of them bad. That for me is the biggest issue.
Conners Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I also noticed that he has trouble following details of my conversation sometimes ...is that ADD or part of his other issues ? Seems odd at times. Looking at the situation through this website, I can see how ridiculous this sounds. And someone isn't going to act 110% differently w one person over another right? His toxic behavior of suicide , passive aggressive and yelling "F U" at her... Could easily happen to me too... I'm just surprised this woman is still so close to him. I know it is for their son... But still. I would say that is because of the drug use. My boyfriend use to be a full time pot smoker and his memory and ability to focus was terrible. Weed combined with the other drugs is probably making him really unstable and paranoid and the fact that he downed a bottle of pills in front of his ex for attention is a good enough reason to run. :|
Gaeta Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I canceled tonight but just made an excuse. I wanted to give us a day of breathing room before ending it abruptly. You have seen this man over 3 weeks, and 3 weeks filled with frustration over his attitude toward his ex. Also, there is no 'us'. You give this relationship way too much importance and substance that it actually has. You have to step away and see that you are being over-emotional because of your 'emotional dependency' problem. You don't owe him an explanation or face to face breakup. You really think he is going to pay attention to what you say anyway. Every emotions you've expressed he has dismissed. If you have a conversation with him he will again dismiss your reasons. Just give him the universal reason: I am not ready for a relationship. 1
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 I think what I struggled with is the fact that he is a very positive/driven person from what I can tell. He watches TED videos about self improvement and appears to be really working on himself. My ex was rough around the edges but he never watched that kind of stuff or sent me inspirational messages. So I suppose I am judging from my past comparison, as well. But my ex never downed a bottle of pills in front of me or gave me the finger and told me to F off... Or ever did a drug. So, I suppose I was too hopeful with this new guy.. Thinking he was so different... When in reality this could be just charm etc. When I was with him the other night we were dancing and he asked if he was the tallest guy I had ever been with and also asked if he was the most good looking. Looking back.... Who asks that. ?!!
Gaeta Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 .. Who asks that. ?!! Narcissists ask these questions. 1
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 I suppose so... Just a shame. He seems to be such the opposite of that ... At times. I guess that is part of the narcasists charm.
MidwestUSA Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I think what I struggled with is the fact that he is a very positive/driven person from what I can tell. He watches TED videos about self improvement and appears to be really working on himself. My ex was rough around the edges but he never watched that kind of stuff or sent me inspirational messages. So I suppose I am judging from my past comparison, as well. But my ex never downed a bottle of pills in front of me or gave me the finger and told me to F off... Or ever did a drug. So, I suppose I was too hopeful with this new guy.. Thinking he was so different... When in reality this could be just charm etc. When I was with him the other night we were dancing and he asked if he was the tallest guy I had ever been with and also asked if he was the most good looking. Looking back.... Who asks that. ?!! You're really obsessing/over analyzing something that's been going on for THREE weeks! If it helps you to write it out here over and over, great. Reread it and see how ridiculous it sounds. But, to the rest of us, it just sounds like you're waffling. Have you ended it yet? (Text is fine; I wouldn't take a chance face to face with his unpredictability).
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 No I haven't. But I am about to. The ex issue... That I think is the most prominent issue. I'm trying to keep it all in focus. 1) he has a pic of him/ex/son front and center on his fireplace. Not in son room... On his fireplace. And he is at her house constantly to see the child.. So he says. But sleeps at her house when she is out of town to watch the kid. Sleeps in her bed too. (When she isn't there). Weird.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 So I ended it just now. And he wants to know WHY. Asking if it was his past drug use etc. I haven't answered yet and wondering if I should say yes? I feel it is best to answer honestly...
murphomatic Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 So I ended it just now. And he wants to know WHY. Asking if it was his past drug use etc. I haven't answered yet and wondering if I should say yes? I feel it is best to answer honestly...I don't know that I would give him a very specific answer. I would keep the reasoning vague to the tune that you just feel like you don't really see things working out long-term. This guy is trouble and if you provide any sort of specifics, it will simply give him fodder for debate. He will try to convince you that you misunderstand something about <insert reason for leaving him here> and then he will attempt to re-explain in a manner the refutes your concerns. Stay vague. Don't invite an argument or debate. Cut this cleanly and move on. Pat your self on the back for not letting it go any longer and focus on the road ahead. Good luck and all the best - 1
xboyfriend Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 It is ironic that our societies fund and promote programs to rehabilitate drug addicts and give them a chance. And yet the over-arching theme here is that they are not worthy of a romantic relationship. Essentially, the gene pool believes they shouldn't pro-create via the feedback on this forum. I'm not saying it is a good idea to stay with him. But people are complex. Maybe he did coke, smoked some pot, and was manipulative. At the same time, have you ever gotten drunk? Have you ever smoked or lied to someone? It is hard to point the finger at someone for substance abuse if you've ever indulged in alcohol. Just think about this.
ThatMan Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 That's a load of crap, xboyfriend. There's countless rehabilitated users who are incredibly awesome people to be around. They deserve just as much respect as the rest of us and they're fully capable of fostering healthy relationships. Nobody here is advocating eugenics. The only thing that I've seen promoted are simple steps to remain healthy. There are certain people best avoided if for no reason other than to remain safe ourselves. What you call manipulation is in reality called violence. There's no greater form of violent manipulation than purposefully attempting suicide in front of your spouse to control them. The OP needs to stay away from this person. And you need to seek out help immediately if your mind compares drunkenness to the situation described above. 5
xboyfriend Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 And you need to seek out help immediately if your mind compares drunkenness to the situation described above. Dude, you didn't understand my post.
MidwestUSA Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Dude, you didn't understand my post. Well then neither did I, because his reply makes perfect sense. Sure, OP might want to give this guy a chance IF HE WAS RECOVERING. He's not. From neither the drugs nor the mental illness (which led to the violence/manipulation). OP: I agree with murph. Don't give this guy anything he can try to explain away. You're vulnerable and would feel obligated to hear him out.
Eggplant Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Do I tell him why I'm ending it?Without a doubt. These people are fine for a while, then problems happen later in life and issues resurface. You have no choice.
ThatMan Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Dude, you didn't understand my post. Maybe. Then what are you trying to say? First of all, we're not even strictly talking about the dangers of drug use in the first place. The immediate concerns include far more than his ongoing struggles with substance abuse. So I don't know if you struggle with addiction as well, or what brought about your message, but we're not trying to suggest that all former/current addicts are unlovable. It might be a hard pill to shallow, no pun intended, but the fact of the matter is that substance abuse does take a toll on everybody involved. It's the addiction itself that ruins lives and not necessarily the drug. There's a myriad horrible behavior that addiction brings out and people often need to distance themselves from an addict to remain safe. Every twelve-step program in the world would tell loved ones of an addict to be sure they're wearing a lifevest, or get the heck out of there, because addict will latch on and drag them down. So if you do struggle with addiction - get help! Drinking irresponsibly and getting drunk is nothing compared to addiction. There's a huge difference between alcoholism/addiction opposed to being an idiot. It's unbelievable that you'll actually suggest otherwise. We're all liable to believe you take drugs, you've made this all about you, when in reality we're not even shaming drug abusers to begin with. Just like with substance abuse; those who have ever struggled with bipolar disorder aren't unlovable people to be isolated, either. There are many awesome people out there with bipolar disorder. Some have it under control. Some enjoy getting high off the euphoria that only mania will bring. Some black out, rage, and assault you during manic episodes. It is what it is. There are very real obstacles involving bipolar disorder, especially whern it's untreated, poorly managed, or self-medicated. Being around certain behaviors will bring you to a world of hurt and nothing will change that. It's his history of violence that's the biggest concern out of everything, even ontop of the bipolar disorder, ongoing substance abuse, and bizarre behaviors. Never expect a history of violence to change. There is only one sort of person who attempts suicide to get something - "I want you to give me more attention. I want more power. I want more control of you." These people typically have full blown personality disorders and taking a pill won't treat that. These people go through life as a human wrecking ball, ruining everybody they come across. It is an absolute godsend that this woman actually knew about his antics in advance. How this normally happens is that we go through a relationship until out of the blue our spouse feels insecure, scared, worried of abandonment, and then they suddenly grab the nearest kitchen knife and slash open their wrists right in front of us. Normally there isn't a warning with these sort of people until it explodes in our face like an atom bomb. Being made aware of that sort of behavior, doing everything within your power to avoid experiencing it yourself, it's essentially an obligation that we each owe to ourselves. Edited May 27, 2014 by ThatMan
kaylan Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) RUN! I don't care what you gotta say, "I've realized I'm not ready to date, I wish you the best". Whatever you do, don't stick around. Three weeks is nothing. Drug addict, bi-polar, tried to kill himself. There would be smoke coming from my feet I'd be running so fast. THIS!. OP, your situation is EXACTLY why people should be decent friends with someone before becoming exclusive. Im no relationship expert, but I feel have a good friendship before a relationship is a good thing. At least that way you know a good bit of important info before committing to someone. Id likely know glaring red flags like this in my first several week of knowing a girl.Ah! So he is cute? So what? So what if he bad mouths you? Do you want a life thinking you should act as people from the outside think you should live it? Text him bye bye. Some situations don't warrant a face to face reason. I wouldnt at least give a phone call. Edited May 27, 2014 by kaylan
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 So I tried ending this via text last week. But a few days went by... I had drinks with a GF and he texted... And I got roped back in. My fault. Completely. Totally. Since then he met for coffee twice and texted some. But he has been showing his bi polar stuff. Getting stressed out with work. Seeming great. Then saying he fell asleep for 3 hours. Sleeping til noon ... My mom got very sick and was in the hospital earlier this week (ICU) and while he asked about her the day it happened. He hasn't asked about her since. He has just been up and down. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But the prob is he said that he felt more for me 3 weeks than all of time w his ex. And said that no matter what I will always be in his life... Etc etc. I am worried about texting to end this again. I need to do it. Just wondering (knowing his history) can someone give me some suggestions on what to say that won't set him off ? I'm nervous.
SleeplessIn Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Well, you could try saying something like this: "What with my mother being so ill and the growing effects of that on my time and emotions, I don't feel that I'm as ready as I would like to be for a relationship right now. It's a more complicated time than I thought it would be, and it's unfair to you that I can't put more focus on becoming better acquainted. I wish you all the best in finding the relationship you truly deserve." Vague enough, but with truth in it ... ?
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Yes I think that is very good. I can text that, right? And I guess ... My biggest concern will be his reaction and how I will cope with it. Should I just avoid any/all texts? We are also FB friends ...
MidwestUSA Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Well, you could try saying something like this: "What with my mother being so ill and the growing effects of that on my time and emotions, I don't feel that I'm as ready as I would like to be for a relationship right now. It's a more complicated time than I thought it would be, and it's unfair to you that I can't put more focus on becoming better acquainted. I wish you all the best in finding the relationship you truly deserve." Vague enough, but with truth in it ... ? Disagree. Anytime you tell someone it's 'not fair to them', you're opening a can of worms. He'll be all accommodating, and insist that he'll take a backseat while you deal with mom. He'll be there for you thru it, and let you take the lead when you're ready, blah, blah, blah. Cut it off clean and simple. You don't owe him anything after just four weeks. Implement no contact if he becomes pesty.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Well he has his son through tomorrow, so I think I should probably wait until he's alone, yes? I just don't want to cause him to hurt himself or be a bad father ... I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but as a parent I feel it is.
drdre Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Just keep it short and sweet. You really dont owe a lot of explanation after three weeks. Were you even sleeping together? In any case, this shouldnt be a shock to him given you've done it once. You can say you gave it another try but things didnt change for you. After that, you HAVE to stop contacting/responding to him though. If you continue it will only give him hope.
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