Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 So I've posted on here about my current bf. We have been virtually attached at the hip for about 3 weeks. I was really into him... However, he has issues and I had considered ending it the night before last.. Just because of his ex issues and the fact that he has bi polar (not just that) but he disclosed that he used to do pot a lot to deal with his ex. So I thought, okay, I'll at least go to dinner with him and ask a lot of questions (as someone recommended here). We were having a great night. But when we started talking deeply he told me a) that he used to be a cocaine addict. B) pot is his only (infrequent now) drug of choice. C) He downed an entire bottle of pharmaceutical drugs in front of his ex ... "To get her attention". He said he "knew what he was doing" and threw up right away. I can honestly say that freaked me out. But I didn't want to react in the moment. So we talked about how we would get together again today. And now I'm thinking it would be best to end it. I am newly divorced and haven't had to deal with break ups in a long time. Especially with people I truly fell for... How should I handle this? Do I tell him why I'm ending it? How honest should I be? Or should I believe him that this was just a bad marriage? He swore that he could never see me be that way with me. But... Gosh... That was scary. Thoughts?
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) RUN! I don't care what you gotta say, "I've realized I'm not ready to date, I wish you the best". Whatever you do, don't stick around. Three weeks is nothing. Drug addict, bi-polar, tried to kill himself. There would be smoke coming from my feet I'd be running so fast. Edited May 25, 2014 by HappyLove 12
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Ugh! I know it. I can't email this or text it, can I? I'm so nervous I'm going to lose my nerve. He is texting me now asking when we can meet this afternoon.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 If you want a fix-er-up project buy a run down house. That is an awful lot to deal with. More than I would want to take on fresh out of a divorce.
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I think because this person is so unstable and there's no telling how they would respond in person, you can just text it or call. I wouldn't bring up his history though, I'd make it vague. I mean you're having doubts so it wouldn't be kind to lead him on. Don't make it a long dragged out explanation. 1
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Yes, I guess this is spot on. I just wish I could understand why part of me is so smitten for him. He's really a good guy in many aspects... But hearing that he downed a bottle of pills? And smoked pot on his wedding night (instead of being with his wife?!) He said he doesn't do cocaine anymore but that he acknowledges that he would have trouble NOT doing it if he was in the same room that someone was using.
Keenly Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I came in here ready to come out swinging with " really? Pot?? " But no.. seriously.. coke is bad, and anyone who ever was into it is be skeptical of because drugs like that completely rewire your brain and turn you into a different person. Also, the Rx fake suicide for attention, that's just terrible. It reeks of emotional manipulation, something he wouldn't hesitate to use on you.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Keenly, as a guy... Do you think texting is okay to break it off? We are in kinda deep and I'm concerned I will cave. So much about this guy... Is attractive. BUT the issues I mentioned really scare me.
Keenly Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Keenly, as a guy... Do you think texting is okay to break it off? We are in kinda deep and I'm concerned I will cave. So much about this guy... Is attractive. BUT the issues I mentioned really scare me. You've been hanging out for 3 weeks? You owe him the respect of doing it face to face. Just say one of the throw away lines like "I think we should see other people" or "It's just not working out" 2
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I think it's dangerous to tell someone like this,with his history of fake suicide for attention, you never know how he'll respond face to face. You have to be careful for your safety with an unstable person. You haven't even dated a month, it's been 3 weeks not months! If you insist on face to face make sure it's daytime, in a public location. 2
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Why am I struggling so much with saying goodbye to this guy? We really connect ... But I mean this is not the best pairing, right? If he hits a low time... He could go back to drugs or suicidal tendencies....in addition to that suicide attempt (calculated) .... I believe he tried to kill himself when they eventually broke up. Strangely enough he told me it was his use of pure ectasty drug that helped him battle his demons. He said it is often used with PTSD patients. He says he no longer does this stuff..
deathandtaxes Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You've been hanging out for 3 weeks? You owe him the respect of doing it face to face. Just say one of the throw away lines like "I think we should see other people" or "It's just not working out" I kindly disagree. OP doesn't guy ****, especially given what she has written about him. Text is fine. It's still communication. This guy is crazy. Face to face is not advisable.
Potz4prez Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Why am I struggling so much with saying goodbye to this guy? We really connect ... But I mean this is not the best pairing, right? If he hits a low time... He could go back to drugs or suicidal tendencies....in addition to that suicide attempt (calculated) .... I believe he tried to kill himself when they eventually broke up. [insert obligatory "drug users are evil" comment] But seriously... if he's telling you all this, he's obviously not over his ****, and this is just the beginning of his emotional manipulation of you. Get out before it gets worse. Strangely enough he told me it was his use of pure ectasty drug that helped him battle his demons. He said it is often used with PTSD patients. He says he no longer does this stuff.. *MDMA It has been used in therapy (in small doses) since it's first synthesis. It is currently in trials for use with PTSD patients. It helps people address otherwise uncomfortable issues - breaks down mental walls, if you will.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 The only problem is I met him through colleagues. So I'm guessing he will bad mouth me if I just text goodbye. However.... It's possible he will bad mouth me no matter what We have gotten along very well, but now that I think about the situation critically... I can see he is very self focused. He talks about how he knows that his appearance is an asset for him in business and life in general and he realizes that he has a leg up on people because he is so attractive. And while that is TRUE... I know for a fact that would NEVER come out of my mouth. Ohhh it is hard when you fall for someone. You want to look past their issues and believe only the good. But I did that w my first marriage and many years later ... That was why it ended.
GemmaUK Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Ah! So he is cute? So what? So what if he bad mouths you? Do you want a life thinking you should act as people from the outside think you should live it? Text him bye bye. Some situations don't warrant a face to face reason. 4
soccerrprp Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Get away. Why in the world would you over-look his drug use??? I know a woman who dated a guy SHE KNEW AND LIKELY WITNESSED using drugs and stayed with him for years. She even placed herself and unfortunately, innocent people in danger by staying with this guy. Don't know if she participated in the drug use, but at least, she tolerated it. The guy even have "friends" who used and sold/distributed drugs to other human beings helping others destroy their lives. Criminal. Evil. People who have this liberal, libertarian view of drugs and say things like, well, as long as it doesn't hurt others....blah, blah...it does hurt others and the people who argue such simply ignore that fact out of convenience. Irresponsible. Dangerous. Selfish. His issues, mental, may be due to his drug use. It doesn't matter why. You need to get away from this.
waiting4u Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Is he in therapy? How long has it been since he had a cocaine addiction? How did he overcome it? Granted, people do change. It depends on the person. I've known people who just used drugs when they were younger because their friends were trouble - and they grew up and grew out of it. Heck, I did cocaine when I was in my 20's - it was part of the 90's club scene and I was dating a musician so it was everywhere. I wouldn't touch it now, although I'll smoke a J if you've got one I've had friends who had "nervous breakdowns" and then got over it and are perfectly capable - if not better for having had the experience. And I've known people with drug problems who ended up dead. It all depends on this guy's character. You can certainly break it off via text - I have no problem with that, although some people do. I don't like confrontation. But if you are really into him, maybe you should just move slowly and see what transpires. Does he realize that attempting suicide in front of his ex was STUPID? I mean, does he realize all these things were mistakes?
ThatMan Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Here is the playguide which details how the drama will unfold: First he's going to rely on his good looks, charm, and tell you all the wonderful things about yourself that nobody ever has told you before. As a druggie, bipolar, neurotic hot mess he probably thinks to himself, "I bet she'll tolerate how incredibly destructive I am to be around. All I need to do is briefly shower her with everything she could possibly want in a relationship. Whenever she catches a glimpse of how messed up I am, just idolize her yet again, and she'll stay with my insanity just for another taste of all these fleeting moments." Next you're going to doubt whether or not it's O.K. to leave such an unhealthy and destructive man. Because it's face it, a man like him would never date a woman like you if you weren't the sort who; openly considers tolerating his nonsense just because he looks good, question whether or not it's okay to break up, question how to break up, trap yourself with him over the fear of what colleagues would say, and life in a fantasy land. Three weeks is nothing. If you call three weeks a connection, and you cannot recognize how a sincere connection is different than being as intense as possible, (what bipolar men often do!), then no wonder he's interested in you! He would never consider dating you in the first place if you were remotely capable of stepping back from the intensive to take on a realistic perspective and not a teenage-lovestruck fantasy. Then if you choose to remain with him longer than these three weeks, despite all the warning signs you're sharply aware of, your life will markedly become worse. With each outburst, he'll appease you, and you will probably hold onto the relationship just because you want to experience that sensation of being a lovestruck teenager one more time. Finally, if you do decide to breakup with him - He'll procure a bottle of meds, drugs, alcohol, and threaten to down the whole thing and make sure that it was all your fault. You know that he's already threatened to kill himself to get what he wants from other people. He's very likely to do the same thing again, especially since his bipolar is clearly uncontrolled, especially since he still continues to struggle with drug use today, and because he knows for a fact you consider a mere three weeks of intensity a genuine connection. Count on smear campaigns, rages, threats, harassment, you name it. The one thing you have going for you is a bad marriage. You have the experience of understanding what happens when you're smitten and look past the all bad to find only the good. But we're suddenly not talking about trivial bad traits some random new date has. Now we're dealing with just about as unhealthy and destructive as men come. Use that experience to remain healthy yourself. 2
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Well he never says it was "stupid" he just said that he knew what he was doing and it was a sign that he was w the wrong person. You think?!! Here are my major red flags. He says he would have trouble not doing drugs if he was in a room with them. His cocaine addiction was within the last couple years. He said that he caught his ex lying about smoking because he was behind her car and he pulled around and have her the finger and screamed f you! He has bi polar right now. He is being treated. But... I can already see the impact of his meds (not always good) and it has only been 3 weeks. And here is another weird one. He told me his ex once asked if he was gay. He said he thoroughly enjoys sex with women. But he is not very sexual. He has kissed me a lot. But doesn't seem to connect and has not even grazed the rest of my body. And I was at his house... He tells me I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever dated and talks about my body etc... But I have been w enough guys to know something is diff here. He asked me to come sleep at his house tonight and not to worry... We would just "make out". He's 41. I'm 38.
ediebrick Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 So I've posted on here about my current bf. We have been virtually attached at the hip for about 3 weeks. I was really into him... However, he has issues and I had considered ending it the night before last.. Just because of his ex issues and the fact that he has bi polar (not just that) but he disclosed that he used to do pot a lot to deal with his ex. So I thought, okay, I'll at least go to dinner with him and ask a lot of questions (as someone recommended here). We were having a great night. But when we started talking deeply he told me a) that he used to be a cocaine addict. B) pot is his only (infrequent now) drug of choice. C) He downed an entire bottle of pharmaceutical drugs in front of his ex ... "To get her attention". He said he "knew what he was doing" and threw up right away. I can honestly say that freaked me out. But I didn't want to react in the moment. So we talked about how we would get together again today. And now I'm thinking it would be best to end it. I am newly divorced and haven't had to deal with break ups in a long time. Especially with people I truly fell for... How should I handle this? Do I tell him why I'm ending it? How honest should I be? Or should I believe him that this was just a bad marriage? He swore that he could never see me be that way with me. But... Gosh... That was scary. Thoughts? He likely isn't bipolar; he has likely been misdiagnosed OR he may be bipolar and have an Axis II diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. The taking pills to get his significant other's attention and his rapid mood shifts give it away. I see so many patient diagnosed with bipolar spectrum disorders who are, in fact, borderline personality disordered instead (I am a psychiatrist). Here is more about the disorder: NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder If you stay with this man, you are in for a world of pain 1
ThatMan Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 It takes years of dedication, hard work from the client and a multidisciplinary team of healthcare professional, and the constant monitoring of medications to slowly make adjustments as time progresses to bring bipolar disorder under control. You cannot sit there and reasonably expect him to be in remission just because he started taking medication recently. You also cannot reasonably expect his behavior and the emotional manipulation to just go away because he took a few meds. The problems that you're describing cannot be 'cured' with a pill alone. 2
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Oh so those are your only red flags? He has enough red flags to tie together and go bungee jumping! Why you are still pondering this is frightening. 8
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 WOW! All of you... THANK YOU for this feedback! This is amazing and very eye opening. Yes I will end it tonight. I'm nervous but will stay strong. Best to do it now... He likely isn't bipolar; he has likely been misdiagnosed OR he may be bipolar and have an Axis II diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. The taking pills to get his significant other's attention and his rapid mood shifts give it away. I see so many patient diagnosed with bipolar spectrum disorders who are, in fact, borderline personality disordered instead (I am a psychiatrist). Here is more about the disorder: NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder If you stay with this man, you are in for a world of pain 1
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Yeah I think it is frightening to think of how long it might take someone to overcome those things. I canceled tonight but just made an excuse. I wanted to give us a day of breathing room before ending it abruptly. Weird though: my mom has lymphoma. I told him about this a couple weeks ago. And yesterday I told him my mom was very Ill again. He apologized for forgetting but asked what was wrong with her? Flu? I have never done a drug in my life. So it made me wonder was he high when I told him? Just weird. That's a big thing for someone to hear! It takes years of dedication, hard work from the client and a multidisciplinary team of healthcare professional, and the constant monitoring of medications to slowly make adjustments as time progresses to bring bipolar disorder under control. You cannot sit there and reasonably expect him to be in remission just because he started taking medication recently. You also cannot reasonably expect his behavior and the emotional manipulation to just go away because he took a few meds. The problems that you're describing cannot be 'cured' with a pill alone.
MidwestUSA Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Yeah I think it is frightening to think of how long it might take someone to overcome those things. I canceled tonight but just made an excuse. I wanted to give us a day of breathing room before ending it abruptly. Weird though: my mom has lymphoma. I told him about this a couple weeks ago. And yesterday I told him my mom was very Ill again. He apologized for forgetting but asked what was wrong with her? Flu? I have never done a drug in my life. So it made me wonder was he high when I told him? Just weird. That's a big thing for someone to hear! Not for him. He's full of his own thoughts. If you stay with him, expect more of the same. He didn't need to be high to ignore/not process what you said. The illness alone will do that. 2
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