rakel_aki Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Hello everyone, I have been dating my now ex boyfriend for 7 years. I am 25 he is 26. For a few years I have been talking about marriage to him. But he was never ready, or wanted to save more Money etc. I felt like he always made up excuses... Well recently we have been talking a bit more details. He works on his parents milk farm. I am an accountant. I work 9 hours a day and some days i get home exhausted. Well he said that after work I would need to help out on the farm. I told him absolutely not. Until now I have understood his schedule and never complained. I was willing to help on days his parents cant. I was also willing to pick up thw house work. But to ask me to work after my job I don't agree with that. Am I wrong? I tried having a conversation with him yesterday trying to explain to him that wasn’t possible to want that of me. Unfortunately he didn’t listen! So I asked him why we are together. He said he wasn’t sure. I called the relationship off. Today his mom had told him to tell me to have lunch at his house to celebrate her birthday the past week. I simply couldn’t get my self to go. What to pretend that everything is ok? He hasn’t called. Nothing. It’s killing me. I am starting to go into a depressive state. Am I wrong?
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Farming is 24/7/365. The cows still need milking on holidays. It's also a true family business & everyone pitches in. You may not want to do that & you don't have to but if you aren't willing to help, you cannot sustain a marriage to him. As an accountant I'm sure you understand a balance sheet; there isn't usually enough of a profit margin to hire extra help.
No Limit Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 The woman of the family living in a nearby ranch does help, but she only has a part-time job. She barely works 4 hours in the city each day, and then goes to work at the ranch. I believe that living on a farm requires more than just one person's attention and help, so personally, yes I do think you were right. I just wonder what took you so long to even consider these differences and responsibilities, especially since you've repeatedly mentioned marriage?
Author rakel_aki Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 This came as a shock to me. I went to college for accouting and am a certified accoutant. He knew very well about this. He sometimes would joke about it. But nothing serious
Kamila Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You have both different lifestyles and education. You belong in an office or as a freelance accountant. He has his family business farm to run and that's entirely different of what you're doing. You could give up your job and work at his farm, or maybe parttime. But i don't think you'll do that. Like the above poster said, why didn't you saw that redflag earlier ? Did you think about compatibility ?
Author rakel_aki Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 I know of 3 couples who the women have their jobs and the men are farmers. They have hired people to give an extra hand.I live in Portugal btw. I feel cheated. Why didnt he tell me this years ago when i spoke of marriage?? I feel like an idiot! I feel lost. I gave him 7 years for nothing. I found a job near home for nothing. And jobs here are very scarce. I feel like disappearing. He tried calling i called him back. He hasnt called. Should i just forget him? Move on??
Elle1975 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I know of 3 couples who the women have their jobs and the men are farmers. They have hired people to give an extra hand.I live in Portugal btw. I feel cheated. Why didnt he tell me this years ago when i spoke of marriage?? I feel like an idiot! I feel lost. I gave him 7 years for nothing. I found a job near home for nothing. And jobs here are very scarce. I feel like disappearing. He tried calling i called him back. He hasnt called. Should i just forget him? Move on?? I'd stick to my guns, since it's not the life that you want. I'd also ask myself "am I happy?". Not happy 24/7, but does this man make my life happy in general, fulfilled, etc..? If the answer is mostly no, then you took the right decision.
Author rakel_aki Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) I do not mind him working on the farm. I really don't. I have been with him for 7 years and we only get to be together on Sunday afternoons and evenings after his work. We don't travel because he can't. I have never complained. I love him. I accepted that. Now i have been talking about what he wants in life. he never really gave me concrete answers. I don’t understand why he hadn’t told me before. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. Do I have the right to feel this way? I just can't believe this. I saw him as a future husband. Edited May 25, 2014 by rakel_aki
jbelle6 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I don't think you should feel cheated or betrayed since none of this was hidden from you and he made no promises to you that anything would change. I do think it's good you broke up now while you are young and you should move on, you will be miserable with that lifestyle and end up wanting out eventually anyways.
Author rakel_aki Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 I can't help but feel betrayed. Why didn't he tell me long time ago? He would joke around saying one day I am going to leave my job and want to work for him. I told him I could never do that. And he wouldn’t say anything else. I am not sure if its coincidence. But about two months ago one of our neighbors told his long term girlfriend that after her job she would need to work on the farm too. She didn’t accept that and broke. I know that sometimes this neighbor and my ex g out to coffee. Not sure if it had to do with anything... His parents are very accepting of the fact that I have a job and he has his. Many times they have said it. they even tried to help me find a job near home, since he could never relocate if I found a job else where.
Author rakel_aki Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Am I being selfish for not accepting???
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 You are not being selfish but you did have unrealistic expectations. Both of you assumed the other understood what it would mean to be together but you never talked about the reality or cleared up your misperceptions, on both sides. He's been proceeding thinking you were OK with being a farm wife. Here you are continuing to do that. You mentioned that you expected to take on the lion's share of the housework so he could do the farming. You have never gone away together & dated mostly on Sundays so he could work. Why don't you have a frank conversation with him about his expectations? If he spells out what your farm & household duties will be perhaps you can live with them since you love him so much. If you can do all of the office work for the farm maybe you would have to less actual farming. This would be a good use of your specialized skills.
Author rakel_aki Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 We would take a vacation once a year for a week at most. And are together after hes done on the farm around 10ish. I am sorry I didn’t express myself very well. For the last 3 years I have been asking him about our lives together. He would always put it off: "Oh don't worry we will sort everything out". Plus I don't know 1 wife here that has a day job and comes and works on the farm after. Not one! They normally hire extra help. I have always told him that I want to have a job in my professional area. He knew that. I tried having a conversation with him about this unrealistic expectation. I work from 8h30 to 18h30, with on hour lunch. And I would come home and take care of the house work. And on days when he needed the extra help I would help. But I can't be on the farm after my job everyday!! That’s when he told me that he didn’t know why we were dating then. And I broke it off, I was compromising he was not. I just don't understand. When I got the job a few months ago he didn’t say anything. He was happy for me... I am confused and hurt. I miss him so much but I can't live like that! Will he realize all this and come back or should I really think of moving on. He called me last night at 11pm. I didn’t pick up and didn’t return the call. He hasnt called yet and no messages...I was hoping no contact would make him realize that he is going to lose me…
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