notserene Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 D day was March 1, so I don't expect to be "over" it by now. We are both going to IC and have had some sessions with a marriage counselor that I think is pretty good. We've been talking about the stuff that got us to this point in our marriage and WH has been focusing really hard on his problems with conflict avoidance. He looks back at the affair and he is ashamed of himself...he says he can't believe the person that he was during the affair and that he was willing to do something that would have such devastating consequences. We have also been spending more time together as a couple and we feel close to one another again. We went out a couple of weeks ago and someone asked us how long we had been married. When we told her, she said that we seemed like newlyweds. So far, so good. I still have nightmares, panic attacks (like when he doesn't answer his cell phone right away), constant "replays" of the affair time period in my mind (thinking "what were they doing on X day), and so on. I don't have much of an appetite, though it is better than it was during the period right after D day, and I am still having trouble staying asleep at night. I wake up at 3:30 am and I have trouble going back to sleep. I'm getting my work done but I feel distracted all of the time by intrusive thoughts about my H and OW. Not about the sex as much as thoughts about them spending time together, wondering exactly what he told her about our relationship. I don't think he has tried to hide anything from me but he told me he can't remember exactly what he said on each occasion (which I think is normal). I still love my husband but there are times when I feel like it would be easier in the long run to split up or at least separate for a while. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how he could do something so reckless and destructive. I look at web sites that say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I wonder if he will do this again. I wonder if I just detached myself emotionally if it would spare me the pain. I'm relatively lucky in that I had a WH that gave me a confession without minimization, whose "affair fog" ended quickly (it helped that OW was not stable, and was abusive and threatening when he ended the A) and who is trying to SHOW rather than TELL that he loves me and wants to rebuild, but...I still feel broken inside. I need some handholding and reassurance that how I feel is normal and that it's not going to be this way forever, assuming that the "good" parts of reconciliation keep going the way they have been. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see how things were going to be in two years, so that I could see if my suffering was going to be "worth it."
veritas lux mea Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 As a ws my H's part was succesful. He loved me and was there for me from the beginning. He didn't try to change me or think he was responsible for my actions. He had few things to work on in the marriage and so forth. I had a little more trouble. I would say I was happy in everything after confessing. Maybe a week. but our sex life about a year after I told. And finally saw xMM as being not a good person. My A affected my mental health far more than my H. 1
Red123 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I think everything you are feeling is very normal. In fact I felt like I was reading something that I had written when reading your post. I am 6 months from Dday and still having a lot if what you have described but it is getting less with time. The part about your H not remembering what he said on occasions is a huge one for me too, but I do think its normal. For that one I often feel upset because I tend to recall conversations very well and he has never been able to long before his A. In fact not to generalize but most of the men in my life don't. Even if he has talked to his mother ill ask what did she say and he usually says she's fine. When I talk to her she will tell me a bunch of things then say didn't he tell you I just told him. So it looks like you are on a good path, some days are worse than others but as long as he is showing you commitment and change it sounds like your on the road. I am no expert by any means just trying to feel better and work toward a happier life after this devestation but a few months ahead if you. I wish you well. 1
Trustnoone Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Just short of six months from d-day also. Many facets of my marriage has changed completely along with WW and myself. I wonder if reconciliation really ends or if it is a lifelong journey. We have a great history together, if only we had communicated better we would not be in this position. I realize my mistakes and she hers. It comes down to she made a devastating choice and the consequences are here to be dealt with. I could have strayed but chose what I believe to be the correct path. WW chose the destructive path. We are working hard to fix each of our mistakes and attending MC. I made the comment of graduating MC and the therapist just shook her head and smiled. So maybe reconciliation is for the lifetime of the marriage. Of course our therapist shakes her head at me every week so what do I know. I will say reconciliation will test the strength of each person, as many times I felt I could not continue. But each day we find that strength to continue forward. We have been married 19 years and six months ago didn't think we would make twenty. But WW's hard work made it difficult for me to leave. WW seems to want to make this marriage work and I honestly did think she would have quit after a month, but to her credit she is working very hard. So I've accepted that reconciliation is a lifelong journey. I guess I didn't realize it until now.
Journee Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 You are so fresh out from DDay and let me tell you, your feelings are normal even if you were as many years out as you are weeks. Everyone is different, every marriage different, every A and reconciliation. Don't pin yourself up against what you think should be "normal". You give yourself time to heal and really evaluate what it is that you want from love and life. No matter the conclusion. It took me a good year from this last A of my H's for my anger to really hit. However, my H is a serial cheater. Has never been faithful to anyone. It just took me longer to get to a place where I felt I deserved better. Reconciliation can be hell and destroy one's spirit if that gift is given to a WS that truly isn't deserving. It can also be tremendously loving. I wish there was a crystal ball too but the best you can do is trust your instincts. Listen to that intuition of yours. Try to take care of yourself, your health both physically and emotionally. So that no matter what, you will feel much more prepared to take whatever course of action you feel necessary. Keep posting here. There are wonderful people here that will root you on to no end. I've made a wonderful friend from posting here. I am making it through the disaster area as we speak with the great friendship of a poster that has been there too. Good luck and I hope your reconciliation is a success. Do not pressure yourself in any direction. Your emotions will likely be all over the place for quite sometime....and that's ok.
snappytomcat Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 yes its all normal,i had all these feeling,its quiet a roller coaster ride of emotions,sounds like your husband is doing everything right. I think its funny someone thought you were newlyweds,cause someone asked us if we were newlyweds a couple months ago,and weve been together over 20 years,sad it took an affair to get us here,but my husband is very conflict avoidant,we are the total opposites. im nice,and a free spirit,but im also very feisty,and passionate about things I believe in,hubby doesn't like conflict,hard worker,kind,but sometimes to serious,but has a goofy side(which I love)our mc sessions helped a lot,but him being an open book,helped the most good luck it will get better
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