QuakerOats Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 For those of you in NC or beyond, I have a question. If your exMM/MW contacted you (and yes, even if you have that person blocked 15 different ways...people CAN make contact if the resolve to) and reported that he/she was divorced (not separated, no "going to" divorce), would you agree to see him/her? Would you be willing to open your heart again, even just a crack, to this person? I'm just curious how "done" you all are. Myself...I want to think I'd tell him to take a hike. But, I'm not so sure I would. I REALLY loved him. Or, did I really love the person I thought he was? I don't delude myself into think he will actually go through with a divorce. In fact, when I speculate what he is doing presently, I envision him spending quality family time with his wife and son as if nothing ever transpired that might damage that homelife.
C00kie Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Your xMM told you he got a divorce? Did he say "I am divorced"? Even if my xMM divorced, I think it would be too late. Too much hurt, too much pain, drama and trauma. Trust is gone. He showed me his true colors and I don't think time would change that. I wouldn't go back. 2
jesienna31 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Your xMM told you he got a divorce? Did he say "I am divorced"? Even if my xMM divorced, I think it would be too late. Too much hurt, too much pain, drama and trauma. Trust is gone. He showed me his true colors and I don't think time would change that. I wouldn't go back. Same here.. I would not agree to be with him, even that I love him and miss him so much. It worked with us because it was part time but we wouldn't work as a full time couple. That is for sure. Adding to that I would not trust him at all, knowing who he really can become.
Lucygolds Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Well, my exMOM and I had to split quickly. His W found out and he said goodbye. This is what we said we would do but it all happened so fast. No closure. Yes, I did confess to my H as well. I have seen my exMOM twice. We made eye contact but said nothing. I know if he reached out I would talk to him. I don't want to rekindle but I would like some closure. I keep telling myself if I see him again I will say hello but I am so afraid. I have no idea if he wants to talk to me but is afarid that I am angry because he got us caught or if he hates me. All this being said, I know I need to just walk away and keep in NC. I hope I am strong enough for that. ... 2
Author QuakerOats Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Your xMM told you he got a divorce? Did he say "I am divorced"? Even if my xMM divorced, I think it would be too late. Too much hurt, too much pain, drama and trauma. Trust is gone. He showed me his true colors and I don't think time would change that. I wouldn't go back. As I indicated, I'm speaking hypothetically. This isn't about my exMM. And no, he hasn't contacted me and told me he is divorced. The purpose of this thread is to gain understanding about the purpose of NC. Are OW/OM in NC because it is truly OVER...or are they NC to make a point/save esteem/ride out a difficult chapter?
DonutStalker Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 In my case I would absolutely agree to see him again. Life is too short to not take the chance. 1
veritas lux mea Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I can Only answer hypotetically because I had no plans for a life with xMM but I think as things go the situation would be based case by case. I would for sure want verification the D was final. I would want to know I was removed enough from the situation that I wouldn't be *blinded*. that I was at a healthier place and could start over with the person. And see if they had made positive changes in themselves. And I would want to see remorse for their betraying of their ex with no excuses.
Nofoollikeanoldfool Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 As I indicated, I'm speaking hypothetically. This isn't about my exMM. And no, he hasn't contacted me and told me he is divorced. The purpose of this thread is to gain understanding about the purpose of NC. Are OW/OM in NC because it is truly OVER...or are they NC to make a point/save esteem/ride out a difficult chapter? Personally in my limited experience and reading etc wether instigated by OW/OM or MM/MW NC can be all of the above but more often than not seems almost like a cry for help. Guess the danger comes if you break NC but don't sort the problem. Just my opinion mind, different for everyone I think
Lucygolds Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Well, my exMOM and I had to split quickly. His W found out and he said goodbye. This is what we said we would do but it all happened so fast. No closure. Yes, I did confess to my H as well. I have seen my exMOM twice. We made eye contact but said nothing. I know if he reached out I would talk to him. I don't want to rekindle but I would like some closure. I keep telling myself if I see him again I will say hello but I am so afraid. I have no idea if he wants to talk to me but is afarid that I am angry because he got us caught or if he hates me. All this being said, I know I need to just walk away and keep in NC. I hope I am strong enough for that. ... Oh and yes, if he said he was divorced and I was as well. I would go for it!
carhill Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 For those of you in NC or beyond, I have a question. If your exMM/MW contacted you (and yes, even if you have that person blocked 15 different ways...people CAN make contact if the resolve to) and reported that he/she was divorced (not separated, no "going to" divorce), would you agree to see him/her? At most, I might 'catch up' on the phone, like I did back in January with exW who hadn't talked to me in a few years, but that's it. No interest in growing any sort of relationship. I figured 25 years was enough time and I kinda liked the guy she was with at the last time we interacted five years ago, meaning I think he's a good guy for her. I'm decidedly not. That's the beauty of finished business.
C00kie Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 As I indicated, I'm speaking hypothetically. This isn't about my exMM. And no, he hasn't contacted me and told me he is divorced. The purpose of this thread is to gain understanding about the purpose of NC. Are OW/OM in NC because it is truly OVER...or are they NC to make a point/save esteem/ride out a difficult chapter? Sorry QuakerOats, english is not my main language and I only realised you were speaking hypothetically after I posted my response. I guess first we go NC or LC to ride out a difficult chapter. I think that for some, eventually, it then becomes truly over. 2
PachucaSunrise Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 For those of you in NC or beyond, I have a question. If your exMM/MW contacted you (and yes, even if you have that person blocked 15 different ways...people CAN make contact if the resolve to) and reported that he/she was divorced (not separated, no "going to" divorce), would you agree to see him/her? Would you be willing to open your heart again, even just a crack, to this person? I'm just curious how "done" you all are. Myself...I want to think I'd tell him to take a hike. But, I'm not so sure I would. I REALLY loved him. Or, did I really love the person I thought he was? I don't delude myself into think he will actually go through with a divorce. In fact, when I speculate what he is doing presently, I envision him spending quality family time with his wife and son as if nothing ever transpired that might damage that homelife. This is such a tough one. I honestly don't know what I would do. I'm at the stage now where I'm wondering the same thing... "Did I really love him? Or did I love the person I thought he was?" I don't know. My XMM is in the process of D (I am 100% sure of this). I have no idea if I will ever see him again, but if I knew for sure that he wasn't getting a D, there's just NO WAY I'd ever put myself in that kind of situation again. I learned my lesson the hard way, ten times over. I don't think he would ever try, either (if he was in fact still M) - surprisingly, he does have a sense of respect towards me, AND his soon to be XW. I'm also gathering that his D is getting pretty nasty. With that said, I'm sure there would be some type of resentment that would surface between us at some point (if we ever actually resumed contact again). I was not the sole cause of his D, but I was definitely a factor, and I don't think that's something any of us will ever forget. So, to answer your question - I honestly don't know. I really don't. I'd like to say that I would want to have nothing to do with him, but in my heart, that's not the truth. SO much has happened, in such a short amount of time, and I don't know if there's any way to overcome that. Also, D is a HUGE deal, and I don't think he's treating it as such. He seems to be 'living it up' right now, but there's going to come a time that he won't be able to hide and avoid the crappy feelings that come along with such a major life change. I realize that everyone deals with hardships in their own ways, but healing and learning from past mistakes won't ever happen by avoidance. I was always there for him during the very beginning of the D process, and after we slowly ceased contact, I began to realize that I was not his therapist, even though I was acting as such. So, for the time being, I know it's best that we keep our distance. Even if his D is finalized in a short time, there's just no way that he would be in a healthy place to begin anything serious. I was already through the wringer with him, and I'm FINALLY beginning to heal... So I can't go through another round of agony and heartaches. If he's able to truly find himself in a healthy spot sometime down the road, then maybe, but time will only tell. I do feel for the women he may be currently dating (he's all over the dating sites) - they don't even know that he's not actually D, even though he portrays that he is! That's certainly another big mess that I would never want to find myself in!!
snappytomcat Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 This is such a tough one. I honestly don't know what I would do. I'm at the stage now where I'm wondering the same thing... "Did I really love him? Or did I love the person I thought he was?" I don't know. My XMM is in the process of D (I am 100% sure of this). I have no idea if I will ever see him again, but if I knew for sure that he wasn't getting a D, there's just NO WAY I'd ever put myself in that kind of situation again. I learned my lesson the hard way, ten times over. I don't think he would ever try, either (if he was in fact still M) - surprisingly, he does have a sense of respect towards me, AND his soon to be XW. I'm also gathering that his D is getting pretty nasty. With that said, I'm sure there would be some type of resentment that would surface between us at some point (if we ever actually resumed contact again). I was not the sole cause of his D, but I was definitely a factor, and I don't think that's something any of us will ever forget. So, to answer your question - I honestly don't know. I really don't. I'd like to say that I would want to have nothing to do with him, but in my heart, that's not the truth. SO much has happened, in such a short amount of time, and I don't know if there's any way to overcome that. Also, D is a HUGE deal, and I don't think he's treating it as such. He seems to be 'living it up' right now, but there's going to come a time that he won't be able to hide and avoid the crappy feelings that come along with such a major life change. I realize that everyone deals with hardships in their own ways, but healing and learning from past mistakes won't ever happen by avoidance. I was always there for him during the very beginning of the D process, and after we slowly ceased contact, I began to realize that I was not his therapist, even though I was acting as such. So, for the time being, I know it's best that we keep our distance. Even if his D is finalized in a short time, there's just no way that he would be in a healthy place to begin anything serious. I was already through the wringer with him, and I'm FINALLY beginning to heal... So I can't go through another round of agony and heartaches. If he's able to truly find himself in a healthy spot sometime down the road, then maybe, but time will only tell. I do feel for the women he may be currently dating (he's all over the dating sites) - they don't even know that he's not actually D, even though he portrays that he is! That's certainly another big mess that I would never want to find myself in!! wow Pachuca I love reading what you write and how you write it,you have a gift,and a gift of compassion,as a bs this might be hard to even realize,but I do have a few xow/ow that are my favorites on here,and your starting to become one too,i love your strength ,and comapassion you show,and I know you are hurting as well 1
PachucaSunrise Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 wow Pachuca I love reading what you write and how you write it,you have a gift,and a gift of compassion,as a bs this might be hard to even realize,but I do have a few xow/ow that are my favorites on here,and your starting to become one too,i love your strength ,and comapassion you show,and I know you are hurting as well STC, I sincerely appreciate your kind words. Wow! Honestly, they really hit the spot - you don't even know! Thank you... So much. To be completely honest, I was very nervous about posting anything on here in the first place, but when I finally found the courage, I knew that saying what I had to say, as real and heartfelt as I truly did feel, was the only way to go - regardless of if people were going to come down on me or not. I had already been though hell, so going through a little more wasn't going to do a whole lot more damage. I read through story after story for a few months, and even though I am a FOW, I was easily able to empathize with many BSs. In fact, the more stories I read, the more I began to really come down on myself, and I ended up in a pretty bad place. I fully know what I did was wrong in every and any aspect, but to hear story after story of all the hurt and agony that results from As, from every side... I don't know... It just really opened my eyes. I knew how awful I felt (and continue to feel), and I selfishly thought that it could NOT possibly get any worse than what I was dealing with, but I was so wrong. Wow, was I wrong! As a BS, I think it's very big of you to keep an open mind while communicating on this site. I mean, that's HUGE, and I really mean that! It's SO EASY to judge, especially when you're on the other side of things. Before I ever found myself in my situation, I definitely had some rather strong feelings concerning As and everything that comes with one (OW/OM in particular). But it's just so true - you really can't make valid judgments on these types of situations until you find yourself in one (whatever 'role' you were/are in). What I've also learned is that this site isn't necessarily about 'taking sides'; it's more about people simply trying to understand one another. It's sad, frustrating, painful, angering, embarrassing, and even heartbreaking at times, but I think we all get some kind of comfort from sharing our stories and trying to understand each other, as best as we possibly could. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I know I'm certainly very grateful that you continue to view things with such clarity, respect, and most importantly, and open mind - that's very, very rare. This may sound silly, but I really think you should be proud of yourself for doing so. I'm sure that can't be easy. At all. So, thank you again. Your kind words came at the perfect time. 1
still_an_Angel Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I would probably respond if he sends me an email, I wouldn't want to be rude. But I will limit it to just hi/hello bit and will ask for continuance of NC. I don't think I can handle a face-to-face, he belongs in my past and I can't re-write it, this is not something to be proud of and the memories will be bittersweet at best.
Bittersweetie Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 If you had asked me this question in the first few months after xOM stopped talking to me, I would've said heck yes! Everyone deserves a second chance, right? But now, years later, I'd say no. If we met again and were both single, I would not pursue anything with him. With time and perspective, I can see the major issues he had. He was passive aggressive. Critical. Contemptuous. Things were always someone else's fault. He once cancelled a date of ours, then blamed me for it! He was a major drama king. Of course at that time I was no angel. But I did work hard on me and recognizing my bad coping skills and living in a healthier manner. And maybe xOM has done this work as well...if he has, then good for him. But that doesn't mean I'd invite him into my life again. I have no need or desire to know him or know anything about him anymore. One could say I am being hypocritical because my H gave me a second chance...why wouldn't I do the same? And while I am extremely grateful for the chance my H gave me, after all my introspective work, I recognize my own limits and one of those is that I would not want xOM's drama in my life again.
Decipleoflove Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) I guess it also depends when these Ex's show up again lol I mean who knows what you will feel 1 year, 5 years or 10 years from now? Its rare to wait for someone your whole life...especially someone who is not available. If you are both in Love, and the person you love divorces quickly to be with you, yeah than i would probably go for it, if it's Real Love! If it takes longer, than you are willing to wait, than she has to convince to give her a 2nd chance. These are all just thoughts... i never been in this situation before. So it depends on many factors. But...i chose to avoid being the OM though! which i did in my case...but there are ways to become involved and become a OM without knowing it. Edited May 27, 2014 by Decipleoflove
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