user165464 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Hi y'all, I'm lost on this one. Basically this little episode of mine is from an online meet. She contacted me first online. We swap messages and after a week or two I propose to meet for coffee. It doesn't seem to go that well (she cut short at about an hours mark) but later on that night I text say it was nice meeting her and I enjoyed the coffee. She replied back in about 30 minutes echoing my sentiments and said it was nice meeting me also. A few days later, I called her up, but got the message bank. Anyway we went for lunch the 2nd time which was quite nice. But I had no indication she ever wanted to see me again. So....a week later I called up again and third time we went for drinks which lasted about two hours. But here's my issue - I'm the one who is always initiating contact (although she picked drinks after I suggested she pick something surreptitiously). Also, every time at the end of the "date" she seems to rush away as if she's desperate to leave, no goodbye or hug or anything. I even ask to see her again at the end and I get no clear indication. I'm hoping it's only nerves which actually would be a good sign this early on. She wouldn't let me pick her up for drinks. I do think there is something here though (obviously agreeing to meet up 3 times is a start)...and while she doesn't flirt - she has positive body language, her voice and maintains strong eye contact and tells me a lot about her life. But she is also emotionless sometimes. It's so mixed! She is in her early 30's too which might give a clearer picture. I'll probably get beaten up on this post, fair enough. But I really have no idea how to handle this. Should I just forget about it and let her decide in her own time so if she really was interested, she'd at least send a text? I figure if I don't do anything it'll be a fade and that would be a waste of a month.
AncientEchos Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 People are always wondering about communication patterns with someone new and what it all means. It appears to be very popular to quit talking to the other person to see if they will reach out. I have never understood that way of thinking. If you wish the communication pattern to be different, you need to communicate your wants and needs to the other person involved. Don't expect her to read your mind. Only she knows why she is leaving the initiating to you at this point. Everyone has their own way of communicating, preferences on how often to communicate and their own unique style of communication. Not everyone falls effortlessly into sync with someone they barely know. If you wish for something to be different, make an effort to create that change. Don't just sit back and do nothing.
Potz4prez Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 She's probably not all that interested and/or hung up on an ex. Have you asked how long she's been single? My advice: move on. She'll probably be a fade no matter what. Find a girl that's wild for you.
Author user165464 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 It appears to be very popular to quit talking to the other person to see if they will reach out. I have never understood that way of thinking. I feel like I'm desperate doing all the work. Online dating is actually VERY hard work. Especially when you put a lot of effort into it and they just vanish when do put effort into communicating. It's hard to take after a while when you experience it a few times. I wish it were the other way around. I mean, realistically in a perfect world you are right, but a certain degree of anonymity and power online can really bring out the worst in people! That is the reasoning to thinking this way as I see it. She's probably not all that interested and/or hung up on an ex. Have you asked how long she's been single? . No, I haven't asked - not yet. She has been online at least 6 months though for certain though (the same time as me). Find a girl that's wild for you. Been trying that the last 6 years my friend!
veggirl Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Why don't you call her up or text her just to chat in between dates? it's hard to build rapport with someone you are only seeing/speaking to once a week. Some casual, idle chat might make both of you more comfortable and her more comfortable initiating. She's prob thinking you are on fence about her too.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 All I can do to offer you insight is share my story. I met my husband at a networking event. Based on what we both did for a living I thought he wanted a business interaction but I wasn't interested in that. We met on a Tuesday. He called my office on Thursday to ask about coming by Monday & then to take me to dinner. I said yes because he was so cute but I stealed myself for the business pitch which I didn't want. We went to what I would call a low end Mexican place. I know I'm high maintenance & I own that but honestly it was the cheapest 1st date I had ever been on since college. I wasn't happy. I felt I talked too much at dinner. I was really trying to impress / interest him but when he only gave me a quick hug after the meal I was devestated. Later that week we met for lunch. I was shocked that he even called. I talked less & felt it was better. Again, all I got was a quick hug. That night I met my toxic cousin for a singles event. I asked for her advice & she told me it was my fault because I was so frumpy. For our 3rd date I wore a short tight skirt & high heels with the idea that if he didn't kiss me that night I was never going to see him again. He finally kissed me after dinner. She may like being chased -- having you call. Don't get overly concerned because she is not initiating. Have you tried even kissing her on the check hello or goodbye? Do you touch at all during these dates? Can you arrange a 4th date where you have to touch? I'm thinking dancing or perhaps an amusement park where gravity will throw you together & you can take her hand to help her on & off the rides?
Potz4prez Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 lol... do girls really freak when all they get after a date is a hug?
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 If she's been online for 6 months she also had her share of disappointments and men fading away on her. She is probably in slow mode and observing you. I would suggest you give it another date and try to establish a connection with her in between dates. 2
Potz4prez Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I feel like I'm desperate doing all the work. Online dating is actually VERY hard work. Especially when you put a lot of effort into it and they just vanish when do put effort into communicating. It's hard to take after a while when you experience it a few times. I wish it were the other way around. I mean, realistically in a perfect world you are right, but a certain degree of anonymity and power online can really bring out the worst in people! That is the reasoning to thinking this way as I see it. No, I haven't asked - not yet. She has been online at least 6 months though for certain though (the same time as me). Been trying that the last 6 years my friend! What I mean is, at least find a girl that meets your criteria for affection. Clearly you are not happy with this girl's communication of affection. You can't make her change to fit what YOU want/need. The time you waste on this girl could be better spent meeting a girl who DOES meet your needs. I was in your shoes a month ago... and that girl pulled a disappearing act. If your gut says things aren't right, they probably aren't.
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 If she's accepting your dates then seems as though she's still interested. But you're going on 4 dates in and no kiss? Maybe she's not sure if there's a romantic connection. Ask her out again and I agree make the date a bit more intimate. I also agree if her lack of communication continues on after the next date you should bring it up. She's probably had men run away after communicating with them too much, as they do, so she could be playing it safe.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 lol... do girls really freak when all they get after a date is a hug? When I was a girl, I would have been OK with just a hug. As a 39 year old woman, damn straight I freaked. I also prefer confident -- almost c0cky -- men so this shy reticent boy BS annoyed me.
preraph Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I think all you can do is keep dating her until it's either not fun anymore or you see if things progress or not. Maybe she's shy or something. This is what dating is about, getting to know someone. Not everyone is easy to read in this length of time. Bottom line, if you're having fun, keep it up. If not, bail.
AncientEchos Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I feel like I'm desperate doing all the work. Online dating is actually VERY hard work. Especially when you put a lot of effort into it and they just vanish when do put effort into communicating. It's hard to take after a while when you experience it a few times. I wish it were the other way around. Dating a complete stranger can be difficult, especially when you over-think every word, move and action. Desperate after only a few weeks, with little to no communication in between dates? I see that as trying too hard to not appear desperate, which can also be a turnoff. She probably has no idea how interested or not you are at this point either. As for going with the thought of disappearing to see if she will chase, go ahead. The tired old mode of 'If you don't know whats wrong, I'm not going to tell you!' always solves relationship and communication problems. (Insert eye roll here.) 2
Author user165464 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) Well I asked her out again and got this reply back: Hey, It was nice to have dinner. Thanks for the message, but I won't be able to do anything for a little while. I'm going to Seattle for the weekend (driving there and back) and during the rest of the week I'm organising to move. I could possibly do something the following weekend - I'll let you know. She is moving soon....so sounds legit I guess. Will give her the benefit of the doubt here as she has a perfect track record.... At least she offered an alternative. It's usually a bad sign otherwise. I don't feel too optimistic about the whole thing though. Edited May 26, 2014 by user165464
veggirl Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Well I asked her out again and got this reply back: She is moving soon....so sounds legit I guess. Will give her the benefit of the doubt here as she has a perfect track record.... At least she offered an alternative. It's usually a bad sign otherwise. I don't feel too optimistic about the whole thing though. Ball's in her court to set something else up now. I wouldn't suggest contacting her again first.
Gaeta Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Well I asked her out again and got this reply back: She is moving soon....so sounds legit I guess. Will give her the benefit of the doubt here as she has a perfect track record.... At least she offered an alternative. It's usually a bad sign otherwise. I don't feel too optimistic about the whole thing though. Why are you wanting to date her if she is moving away?
Recommended Posts