iiiii Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Living together but different rooms: normal or weird? I'm an introvert and have never done anything except have my own room on the few times that I've lived with someone. It's not about having separate bedrooms: I might not even have a bed in there, but for my own personal sanity I desperately do need private space to be alone and read or study or just chill out. Shared space (living room) really doesn't cut it for me - it needs to be a space I can arrange the way I want it, and know it won't be messed with in my absence. I've just been informed by a friend that this is pretty unusual, and many guys would even find the request (for a separate room) offensive. Is it really? I surely can't be alone in needing space like this?
oldshirt Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Living together but different rooms: normal or weird? I'm an introvert and have never done anything except have my own room on the few times that I've lived with someone. It's not about having separate bedrooms: I might not even have a bed in there, but for my own personal sanity I desperately do need private space to be alone and read or study or just chill out. Shared space (living room) really doesn't cut it for me - it needs to be a space I can arrange the way I want it, and know it won't be messed with in my absence. I've just been informed by a friend that this is pretty unusual, and many guys would even find the request (for a separate room) offensive. Is it really? I surely can't be alone in needing space like this? Let's start at the beginning here, do you have a BF and are you having serious discussions about cohabitating or eventual marriage etc? If not, then none of this means anything. There are lots of introverts in the world and a lot of people that value their own space and own bedroom. I even suggested to my wife we could discuss maintaining separate houses in the same town and we have been married for over 18 years. Your friend may be correct that some people would not want to live together in separate bedrooms but surely some would. It would depend so heavily on the specifics of the dynamics between you and your partner that if you don't have a partner at the moment then it is pointless to discuss this now.
WrinkledForehead Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Mmmm. That's appealing to me. I've lived on my own (well, now with my two kids) for the entirety of my adult life. Even in my LTR with the father of my kids, we never officially cohabitated (though there would be stretches of time he'd primarily be at my house). My partner has lived alone for most of his adult life also, during which he maintained a LTR and they lived in separate homes. We've discuses marriage and cohabitation. We've already discussed his personal space (he works from home, & the addition of myself and two children will be a HUGE adjustment for both of us) but not cemented the idea of me having my own space. I have pondered on this a lot, and I believe it will be fundamental for both of us to take healthy amounts of time alone and apart. This isn't just in the initial stages of cohabitation, but applies to the whole R. Based on the kind of people we are (strong senses of autonomy & the pursuit of independent enjoyable past times) and our very similar background in regards to personal dwelling. The thing is, we aren't introverts as was mentioned. I'm pretty familiar with who I am as a person, and I know how precious I find hours of stillness and silence in which I do my homework, rest, read, type responses on LS... 1
Els Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Living together but different rooms: normal or weird? I'm an introvert and have never done anything except have my own room on the few times that I've lived with someone. It's not about having separate bedrooms: I might not even have a bed in there, but for my own personal sanity I desperately do need private space to be alone and read or study or just chill out. Shared space (living room) really doesn't cut it for me - it needs to be a space I can arrange the way I want it, and know it won't be messed with in my absence. I've just been informed by a friend that this is pretty unusual, and many guys would even find the request (for a separate room) offensive. Is it really? I surely can't be alone in needing space like this? When we first started living together, my SO and I got a two-room house. Not precisely for your reasons, but we did (and it wasn't much more expensive than a one-room house in the place we lived in then). I think that many guys would be fine with it if you were still sleeping together every night and spending enough time together (and, of course, having sex). Cost might be a practical barrier, but if you can afford it I really don't see the harm in it. Many of my cohabitating/married friends live in places with more than 1 bedroom too . 1
veggirl Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) Our spare bedroom includes my sewing machine and a spare tv. I am in here often while he is in the living room. Oh, 1/2 my shoes are also in here I even end up sleeping here a lot cause he snores so much. I refer to it as my room LOL. It's not a problem...we spend plenty of time together and I'm used to living alone (he's more used to living w/ roommates) so I NEED my own space and enjoy some time alone. I don't see why any couple needs to like be in the same room as each other everytime they are both home. I see nothing odd about wanting your own space, introvert or not. Of course it might not be fair if he doesn't have his own space, so your idea of it being a room where he's not allowed might not go over well! But something like my bf and I have naturally fell into, is fine. Edited May 25, 2014 by veggirl 2
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 In a healthy relationship I think both people need space & independence. It's the origin of the man cave. My husband has the home office in our house. We are also both clothes horses so I have the closet in the Master Bedroom & he hangs his clothes in the guest bedroom closet. We never mastered the art of sharing closet spaces. We also have bathrooms that more belong to each of us. When one of us is sick, we often sleep in seperate beds. Growing up my parents had closets in different rooms. His dad & step mom have their own bathrooms. If it works for you, do it & don't worry about what others think. 3
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 That set-up is nothing close to what a relationship is, for me. It works for lots of people, who cares what anything else thinks?
LittleTiger Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I have no idea what other couples do but, to me, what you're describing sounds pretty normal and, if you've got the room in your house or apartment, why not? If you meet a guy and he doesn't like the idea of you having 'a room of your own' then he's not the right guy. 1
veggirl Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 In a healthy relationship I think both people need space & independence. It's the origin of the man cave. My husband has the home office in our house. We are also both clothes horses so I have the closet in the Master Bedroom & he hangs his clothes in the guest bedroom closet. We never mastered the art of sharing closet spaces. We also have bathrooms that more belong to each of us. When one of us is sick, we often sleep in seperate beds. Growing up my parents had closets in different rooms. His dad & step mom have their own bathrooms. If it works for you, do it & don't worry about what others think. Separate bathrooms and closets...AMEN!!! He uses the hall bathroom and I have the master bath. I have the master closet and he uses the guest closet and a wardrobe we got from Ikea. Sooo nice having those things just how you want them and not having to jockey for space! Or brush your teeth while he's showering and whatnot.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 We're so bad about the bathroom thing. . . we get on each others nerves when we stay in hotels.
MissBee Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) Everyone needs their own space. Men have their "man cave" and certainly a woman can have her equivalent. Separate bedrooms is a bit strange, but having a space that is yours to read, be alone, think, relax etc is completely fine and healthy. I cannot fathom being in any LTR like a marriage where that space wasn't afforded me. I definitely require this and any man I'm with would know that this is something I need. I also would need a man secure in himself and in our relationship to know that it isn't about him and wouldn't take my need for such a space as a slight. It doesn't matter what your friends think though, just what your SO thinks and as long as they are understanding and fine with it, then that's what counts. People have different needs and what matters is that you and your SO are understanding about each other's needs. Edited May 25, 2014 by MissBee 1
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