tornincali Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 I have difficulties communicating with my bf when he's frustrated about something. He takes on a very combative tone and disrespectful tone. I offer suggestions, and he has a reason why none of them are feasible (often when he has never given any thought to or has no experience with anything I suggest). It's as though he just giving reasons to be negative. When I try to brainstorm with him, he says I'm being very vague and not giving him any direction...nothing executable. He thinks that he's really just voicing an opposite view and says he's open to being proved otherwise. However, if I try to prove otherwise, he insists I don't know what I'm talking about. He thinks his tone is completely appropriate. This all frustrates me because I think I am being supportive and constructive, but he really makes me feel inadequate! I get emotional because his tone and attitude frustrate me so much, which makes him angry at me. I know he was the one who was originally looking for support, but when I try to be there, he just pushes me further away (but if I'm not there, he gets angry about that, too). Help!!!
Hund1976 Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 People are different. Maybe when he's in a bad mood about something he prefers to be left alone. What type of stuff is he getting frustated about? If he's grumpy about work or something like that then maybe he just needs some time to himself to sulk and be miserable. How long does he stay grumpy for?
Author tornincali Posted February 10, 2005 Author Posted February 10, 2005 Thanks for your response... I used to think he needed to be left alone, but he has told me that sometimes he just wants me to take the initiative to come over and cheer him up (or call and cheer him up). However, when he is actually frustrated or upset, he fights my efforts tooth and nail! He gets upset about work and just kind of being in a slump bc he's not happy with his career. I tried to offer suggestions/ask questions to figure out what else he may be interested in (is there a particular industry he's interested in, a specific products, etc.), or what other personal characteristics he has that he could combine with his current skill set. It was like pulling teeth! He would just finally say he didn't know, but wouldn't try to brainstorm with me at all. It's not like I was trying to offer advice, etc. on something I have no clue about, either...we both work in the same industry, and I'm currently exploring other options, so I felt like I could be helpful. When he gets upset, it can last for DAYS. He is very "glass half-empty" about everything, and refuses to look on the bright side at all. Additionally, he tends to just treat me like crap - over nothing at all!! Again, he thinks we don't have a communication problem...is it just me?
Hund1976 Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Maybe he's suffering from some depression. Everyone gets in bad moods once in awhile, but if someone is getting in bad moods a lot and they last a long time they should probably talk to a professional about it and get an expert opinion.
FoShizzleMyNizzle Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Well I wouldn't say he has depression he just isn't feeling good.. (ie. grumpy) and there also could be some communication problem with how you are trying to make him feel better. I know when I'm feeling bad, if my girl takes me somewhere to eat (even though I have to pay for it, you bit...I mean women) I feel much better because: she realizes I'm not feeling good so she uses ACTION to make me feel better..taking me some place to eat. The woman's solution is to give hugs or to "be there" for the woman and talk her about the problem. Guess what, Guys DO NOT want to talk about it nor like being huggy, and from what you typed he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Cause guess what, when you girls start asking questions or try to make us feel better by talking.. while it works for WOMEN, it is the reverse for MEN, we think you are patronizing us and we take it even more personal and get angrier AT YOU instead of something else. I usually tell all the girls I date, if I am mad or frustrated - take me someplace to eat.. I don't care what it is but it has to be freshly cook, hot, and fast (which means none of that fancy European crap - I want some fast cooked Asian food) Unlike women, who hold grudges lasting a decade, we men totally blow over it within an hour or two, we don't have to pretend like you women. Leave us alone with a plate of hot spaghetti or steak and we're totally cool and we might even buy you flowers later on.
Author tornincali Posted February 11, 2005 Author Posted February 11, 2005 Thanks!! My dad agrees with you about the depression (had to get another guys opinion to make sure it wasn't "a girl thing"). I don't know how to approach my bf about this...I'll talk with my dr. tomorrow. I tried again to tell my boyfriend how he made me feel, but he wasn't very receptive and he still doesn't really see how he hurts me. I don't feel like he "hears" me, so I say it louder, which he interprets at yelling. I apologized and said I'd work on not yelling - I don't realize I'm doing it. I asked him to consider my feelings when he's upset and frustrated and he flew off the handle saying, "Oh, so you want me to put your feelings before mine when I'm the one who is upset and needs support?" I told him I just wanted him to be considerate of other people's feelings, especially those that he loves and who are just trying to support and comfort him. He still seems to think I'm upset because he disagreed with me and I didn't get my way (I don't know what "my way" would have been since we were talking about his career). The entire conversation was completely destructive (and, yes, I contributed by raising my voice and attacking once I got more frustrated). Well, he agreed to work on being considerate of other's and I agreed to work on not yelling...I guess I just have to hold up my end of the bargain and see how he reacts next time he's frustrated or upset....
Author tornincali Posted February 11, 2005 Author Posted February 11, 2005 I completely agree that taking him to get food or something along those lines (ie - not making him talk) would normally be the thing to do, but he specifically told me he wanted someone to talk to/vent to/commiserate with. I think I do try to make him talk sometimes when he doesn't want to, but I've been trying to work on that. Also, I've been really trying to not hold a grudge and just get over disagreements, but I really feel like this is a fundamental problem. If something hurts me, is it not worth bringing up? Someone who supposedly loves you should not treat you so poorly!! Of course, now I've REALLY pissed him off...he said he needs to cool off (where as normally, we agree it makes sense to see each other if we're upset) and that he's not even to the point where seeing me is good for him. I COMPLETELY respect this (as I want to be left alone sometimes - which he never respects)!! I assume I should just wait for him to contact me? I don't want to annoy the crap out of him, but I don't want him to think that I don't care enough to be the one to start up contact again.
krbshappy71 Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Annnnnd....you are with this guy WHY? Anndddd....you want to live with that behavior for HOW many years? ugh. Sorry, mutual respect is HUGE and doesn't sound like you're getting any in this relationship. I'd move on but that's probably my answer for everything.
Author tornincali Posted February 11, 2005 Author Posted February 11, 2005 You are very right! Thanks...needed some affirmation!
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