caliborn82 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 My wife cheated on me with my best friend. I found out this morning when my friend admitted to sleeping with her, and showed me the pictures he took of her naked. When I confronted my wife she said its because I'm terrible in bed. I was repeatedly sexually abused when I was 8 years old, and I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this. I love her so should I forgive her?
fellini Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) Okay first of all, it is not fair to blame you for what she did. That is not the way to respond to someone who you supposedly love, and then to give that reason for doing so. Should you forgive her? Do you want to forgive her? Does she want to be forgiven? Does she feel justified in having sex with a friend, and what is her idea about solving her problem about looking for sex outside the marriage. Forgiving her isn't going to change anything about why she claims (and remember, it's not fair on her part to blame you for what she did) she did it, so what has forgiveness got to do with it? You need to know where she stands, and then you can think about where you stand. What was the purpose of your friend telling you and showing you pictures? Why do you call him your friend if he slept with your wife? What has good sex got to do with her allowing your friend to take photos of her naked? No one here can TELL you what to do, so be careful, because by ASKING you will get some people who actually will answer your question. Maybe what you need right now is some advice on how to handle all of this sudden unwelcome information in your life, not just "do I stay or go". I'm sorry you are facing this. Take it slow though. At least for the first impact. Edited May 24, 2014 by fellini 1
Author caliborn82 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 Okay first of all, it is not fair to blame you for what she did. That is not the way to respond to someone who you supposedly love, and then to give that reason for doing so. Should you forgive her? Do you want to forgive her? Does she want to be forgiven? Does she feel justified in having sex with a friend, and what is her idea about solving her problem about looking for sex outside the marriage. Forgiving her isn't going to change anything about why she claims (and remember, it's not fair on her part to blame you for what she did) she did it, so what has forgiveness got to do with it? You need to know where she stands, and then you can think about where you stand. What was the purpose of your friend telling you and showing you pictures? Why do you call him your friend if he slept with your wife? What has good sex got to do with her allowing your friend to take photos of her naked? No one here can TELL you what to do, so be careful, because by ASKING you will get some people who actually will answer your question. Maybe what you need right now is some advice on how to handle all of this sudden unwelcome information in your life, not just "do I stay or go". I'm sorry you are facing this. Take it slow though. At least for the first impact. I'm not sure if I forgiver her yet.. I normally do not condone hitting a woman but honestly, when she told me that I felt like taking my hand and slapped her all over the house.
BetrayedH Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Answer some of Fellini's questions and you'll get better advice. My personal standard for recommending any attempt at reconciliation is determined by whether or not the wayward spouse shows true remorse. Don't even try to reconcile without it. As fellini pointed out, blaming you is not a good sign and in my view, it does not show true remorse. 4
2sunny Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 My wife cheated on me with my best friend. I found out this morning when my friend admitted to sleeping with her, and showed me the pictures he took of her naked. When I confronted my wife she said its because I'm terrible in bed. I was repeatedly sexually abused when I was 8 years old, and I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this. I love her so should I forgive her? Forgive her? NO! She's not even sorry she did it! I think a better suggestion is divorce her. Get counseling to help you get past the residual trauma from the sexual abuse. Stick with counseling until it no longer negatively affects you/your present life. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 OK. I'm kind of confused here. Now your wife and best friend get together and bump uglies. Now you meet up with your best friend and he just says on a whim, "Hey claiborn82, how you doing? Guess what? I just screwed your wife and CHECK OUT THESE PICTURES SHE LET ME TAKE!" Then you confront your wife and she says you stink in the sack and deal with it. It's sounds really stupid what I just printed out doesn't it. Now her cheating with your best friend is a pretty rotten thing to do and for the record he isn't much of a best friend so you have to fill in some blanks here because you gave us the first and last page and nothing in between so we can better understand, you know what I mean? How did your friend go about telling you about what he and your wife did? Where there signs in your marriage that she was cheating? Did she ever talk to you about it? How many times has this happened with her and you buddy? Do me a favor, calm down and when you get together then fill in the details. There are a lot pf people here that can help you. 2
whatatangledweb Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You just found out today. It is way to early to think about forgiveness. She blames you not herself. That is not being remorseful. You have to decide whether you want to try to work things out. She needs to look at why she did it. You are not to blame. A loving wife would talk to you about seeing someone about your CSA not go screw your best friend. Was your BF telling you he was sorry or rubbing it in your face? 6
dichotomy Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Nice - put it all on you. She never brought this up ?I mean She married you - has your sexual performance changed ? Did you wait till after you were married or something? Regardless of whether you divorce now, later, or never...if you really believe (all by yourself - not your wife) that you have sex performance and intimacy issues due to childhood sexual abuse... or any reason - get to a sex therapist - for yourself and not your wife. You should also drag her to a separate Marriage Counselor.
harrybrown Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You need new friends and a different wife. She is not remorseful. 5
Bryanp Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Get tested for STD's and see a lawyer. If you told your wife you screwed her best friend because you think she is terrible in bed do you honestly think you wife would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you? IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 2
No Limit Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 She's a cheater about to become abusive because she knows your weak spots and shamelessly intends to use them against you. Divorce and run run run. You'd sooner marry your best friend than being with her, even he was more honest than she'll ever be, and he's a backstabber. RUN. 1
jnel921 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) If you both knew about your sexual hang ups before you married it was up to the both of you to figure out how to improve this, whether it was counseling or attempting to do more in the bedroom to fulfill your wife's needs in the bedroom. Screwing your best friend was not the answer. It is a dual betrayal. Telling you that its your fault is worse and your so called friend showing you pics of your naked wife is disrespectful. None of these people care for you. You are better off leaving and working on your issues and finding someone that you will some day feel uninhibited and sexually attracted to without all of the painful memories. You have to remember as an adult the person you are with is not trying to hurt you...perhaps you need to go into your next relationship knowing and believing this. Obviously these two did not care about you. Let them have each other and move forward. Good luck to you. Edited May 25, 2014 by jnel921 1
xtymorgan Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I agree with what everyone has said so far...she is not remorseful. There's your answer. I agree that for a reconciliation to even be POSSIBLE, there has to be true remorse from the cheating spouse. Doesn't sound like you have that in her. Maybe later on down the line, you may get that from her but it doesn't sound likely considering her immediate response to your confrontation. THAT is how she really feels about it. It was her gut response...so go with that. I'm kind of being a hypocrite here because I've been allowing my cheating H to come around and stay with me even though we've been separated since April and he is in love with another woman. It is so very hard to let go even when you've been betrayed and hurt. I know that first hand. But just like your wife is not showing any true remorse, neither is my husband. I'm just being a doormat and allowing this divorce to drag out because I've been to chicken **** to let him go. I still feel like he's my soul mate even when all of the evidence is to the contrary. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve better. The past is the past. you can't get it back. I have 12 years of history with this man and that's part of why it's been so hard to let go but I have to realize that it's just that - history. There is no future with him no matter how much I believed that there would be. So my best advice to you is to kick her out, change the locks and don't even CONSIDER a reconciliation until and unless you see any signs of genuine remorse from her. Not a moment sooner. And yes, you DEFINITELY need counseling both for your current situation as well as for your past trauma. It is possible to heal from both. And I do believe that with counseling and work you might be able to have a healthy relationship (even sex) without the stain of your past trauma getting in the way. Best of luck to you. 2
Spectre Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Divorce her, she can go stay with your crappy friend. You say you love her, and asked if you should forgive her? The answer is no. If this woman loved you..she wouldn't of gotten with your best friend. Let us put everything else aside, she wasn't satisfied sexually..so okay, but she chooses your FRIEND to satisfy her? Not only a friend, but a best friend. You see, this is not just this woman being selfish to you..that is her being downright cruel. Women know very well you don't hook up with a guys friend. Sorry, you just don't do it. It is one of the trashier things you can do. If you want to cheat..why pile on top of that by destroying a friendship too? That is some premeditated cruelty right there, and her response to you when you exposed it? Completely unacceptable. Her response alone shows the marriage is not worth saving. Divorce her and go find a woman who knows how to do things like "talk to people" and "express herself" so that when she is not feeling satisfied she will tell you rather then getting with your friend as if this is some terrible terrible soap opera. You deserve better then this woman. Give your love to someone who actually knows what the word means, your wife clearly doesn't. Perhaps at one time she did, but she has long since forgotten it, obviously.
violet1 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Get rid of both of them. They both sound like losers. Yes, I've cheated and I'm not proud of that, but I was not in a social circle affair. We would not be in R right now if I had slept with someone my H knew. I honestly don't understand how a person could live with themselves knowing they slept with their spouse's best friend. It's just disgusting! 1
ja123 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 My wife cheated on me with my best friend. I found out this morning when my friend admitted to sleeping with her, and showed me the pictures he took of her naked. When I confronted my wife she said its because I'm terrible in bed. I was repeatedly sexually abused when I was 8 years old, and I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this. I love her so should I forgive her? I am very sorry that you were abused as a child and that your wife cheated. I've not read the entire thread, but I know of a guy whose wife was also sexually abused and has some bedroom issues. He loves her and she him. They have an agreement that he can go play around. But, they discussed it and agreed to it first, so it's not like there was a secretive betrayal. Also, he doesn't sleep with anyone they know or become emotionally involved either. You were doubly betrayed by your wife and your best friend. Your wife also shamed you by accusing you of not being good in bed (so she was projecting blame onto you, instead of assuming responsibility for her action and apologizing), so basically blamed you for her actions. She was harsh and unkind. She has poor character. Same with your friend. I don't know if I could forgive them. They're toxic. After having accepted "less" from people in my life, I'd rather be alone than put up with abuse, neglect, or mistreatment. I'm learning to love myself! Sorry for your pain. I wish you only the best. 4
Oberfeldwebel Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 There is nothing to forgive yet. She has not asked for forgiveness, nor shown remorse. This has a very highly likelyhood of returning, unless something changes. Additionally, I recommend that if you have issues with sexuality, that you consult a counselor as this will affect your relationships, regardless if it is this woman or another. 1
Spectre Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Get rid of both of them. They both sound like losers. Yes, I've cheated and I'm not proud of that, but I was not in a social circle affair. We would not be in R right now if I had slept with someone my H knew. I honestly don't understand how a person could live with themselves knowing they slept with their spouse's best friend. It's just disgusting! Well I would say a couple things. First, I feel cheating is disgusting no matter what, whether it is with strangers or not. But doing it with a friend not only makes it more messed up..but it makes it more likely to be discovered. Almost like the person wants to cheat, but also wants to get caught. So I do feel cheating with the guys good friend does complicate it even more and it was a stupid move, but I also feel the "how can you live with yourself" thing applies to any cheating, whether it is with a good friend or the mail man or some creepy dude you met online or some creepy past male friend, etc. I guess for me though the "how can you live with yourself" thing applies to how many cheaters could look their partner in the eye afterwards and not immediately confess. The first time your partner says they love you after you have cheated should automatically trigger a confession, but that is a different discussion all together. All in all, I think this woman WANTED to get caught, which is why she chose the best friend. 2
Just a Guy Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Hi Caliborn82, I guess that your wife and friend together wanted to cuckold you. Not only that, both of them made sure to rub your nose into the sordid affair to humiliate you further. In my opinion you have have only one course of action in this matter and that is to divorce your wife pronto. Let her go live with your so called 'Best friend' and be happy ever after. 1
Author caliborn82 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Hi Caliborn82, I guess that your wife and friend together wanted to cuckold you. Not only that, both of them made sure to rub your nose into the sordid affair to humiliate you further. In my opinion you have have only one course of action in this matter and that is to divorce your wife pronto. Let her go live with your so called 'Best friend' and be happy ever after. Do you think I should let her or him see this thread to see everyone's opinions??
beach Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Do you think I should let her or him see this thread to see everyone's opinions?? NO! Start taking care of you/yourself! She's not worth considering! She slept with your friend! Just get rid if her since she acts like trash and isn't even sorry.
beach Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You knew what they did earlier in May when they disrespected you while drinking. Are you planning to divorce her - since she's a liar and a cheater? Has she stopped drinking since the early May fiasco?
Friskyone4u Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You did not give much detail, but from what she is saying unless you improve in the sack she will do it again with someone else. Your friend is truly a scum bag, and unless you did not believe him or pissed him off I can't imagine what woe motivate him to want to shove those pictures in front of you. If he had do e that to me he would not have bed standing upright for too long. Your wife has no respect for you at all and unless that changes dramatically I don't know how you can even look at her without getting pissed beyond control Get rid of her, quick!
firmness Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Something sounds suspect about this post. Not sure why but it sounds a bit trollish. If I have learned nothing from the women in my life it is that cheating is a deal breaker. Get a divorce immediately and reevaluate your choice of friends. Talk to neither of them ever again. 1
Darren Steez Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Something sounds suspect about this post. Not sure why but it sounds a bit trollish. If I have learned nothing from the women in my life it is that cheating is a deal breaker. Get a divorce immediately and reevaluate your choice of friends. Talk to neither of them ever again. *walks away nodding head* 1
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