AnneT1985 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) Hi y'all! How are you doing? I have a rather philiosophical, but practical and psychological question. When it has been brought to our attention in a respectful fashion that we have hurt someone by our words or actions, and we refuse to acknowledge it or apologize despite our intentions or whether or not we were "right", and instead justify it, deny it or place the blame back on the other party, what are the ramifications if it's someone we care about? Or is that just confirming to the person that we actually don't care? Do they lose trust? Does it irreparably harm the relationship? What are the consequences? Why do we choose to do this-even if we meant no harm toward the other person? I'd love your thoughts. Thanks so much y'all! xx Edited May 24, 2014 by AnneT1985
littleplanet Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Delicious question,OP. I'm just gonna munch right in and maybe have a second helping....... Starting with the irreparable harm and consequences - and then backtracking - A long series of 'little' incidents can eventually add up to a big pile of resentment, sure. Because one feels uncared about, emotionally disconnected - lack of respect.....the list goes on. And trust can take a deep dive, sure. Within the context of a deeply bonded relationship, those "little hurts" hurt more, because the impact goes deeper. I'm sure a lot of times people who do this actually mean no harm - not intentional at all. That auto-self-defensive mechanism kicks in....and a sort of justification process takes over. Why do we do it? I think some part of it is just human nature. The crazy thing is....unless something almost psychopathic is involved - we often DO care....a lot. (And I think this has a lot to do with reactionary behavior.) But also, far too often - it sets up a pattern that can be difficult to break out of. I've always tended to think that it takes two people who are very secure within themselves - and with each other - to keep this stuff to a minimum. Which is why it often takes (almost like a peculiar language) that a couple invents together: certain words, phrases, looks....that let each other know toes are stepped on, lines are crossed.... That classic: "I'm sorry!" every 5 seconds - until sorry doesn't mean anything anymore. Instead of the best apology possible: changed behavior (and I mean genuine) where the culprit doesn't feel like they've just sold their soul to the devil.............. all they've done is correct themselves (with a little help from the other.) Know what I mean? It's like that drive - to want to be perfect. Even though we never are. Do a thousand little forgivenesses add up to one big one? Or does one giant big one make those thousand little ones possible? Doin' very well, y'all. Much obliged, I'm sure. 1
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