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Girlfriend of 9 months can't stay the night because of her parents, she's 25...

silversun

By silversun
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silversun Member

silversun

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So I've been dating my girlfriend for around 9 months now. She lives with her parents that are very conservative and christian. She is not. Because she lives with them and the fact that her parents make her feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, she has only stayed the night twice. We could never go on a trip because of this. It pretty ridiculous when you consider she is 25 years old. I've talked to her about it a few times and she said she would talk to her parents but that it would be gradual. I'm kinda pissed about it to be honest. She's an adult and should act like one and not have to have the approval of her parents for everything she does. What's my move here?

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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As long as she lives with her parents, she has to live by their rules.

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Doesn't she have a job? Why doesn't she live in her own place or with housemates? That is her next step. Perhaps she isn't ready to be independent.

 

You don't have to sleep over to have sex, you know.

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mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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This is difficult to handle, no question. I know just as many people whose parents are conservative/Christian and those who are liberal/non religious who won't allow their adult kids of any age to do just this. What REALLY angers me are the ones who scream about it, then allow the kid to do whatever they want anyway. But that's another blog.

 

 

I wish I had an answer to give you on this, but I really can't. I am in such a position with my parents should I decide I was going to move back in with them. You realize at some point that you should compromise like you would with any other person over something that they aren't happy with. When it comes to doing such a thing with a parent(s) however, it's not always easy because it's ok for parents to be hypocrites when it comes to their children (in good and bad ways). The only thing I can do/say in this situation is that you must encourage your gf to move out of their house, that way you both will not have to face this issue. Then she will have her own roof to live under and her own rules to follow. If she choses not to do that, then you both have to live with the consequences. Plain and simple.

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silversun Member

silversun

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She's waiting to pay off student loans until she moves out. That won't be for another 6 months. It's just really frustrating that she can't or won't even talk to them about it. I'm aware that she doesn't have to sleep over for us to have sex... I'm just trying to come up with a solution that works for both of us without seeming too demanding or controlling on the issue.

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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What is your living situation like?

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silversun Member

silversun

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I have one roommate. I mentioned to my girlfriend about us living together and she brought up that her parents wouldn't allow it... I can understand where she's coming from but I think she's afraid to stand up to them. It sucks that our relationship has to go through this because of her willingness to do exactly what they say.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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I think you have two issues: one is the immediate question of how to work the logistics of spending time together.

 

But another, perhaps larger, issue is: this seems to be a 25 year old woman who hasn't completed the developmental work of separating from her parents and becoming an independent adult yet. Is this really a viable relationship in the long run? Apart from just the scheduling issues and the dynamic of tiptoeing around her parents, is she really fully equipped for a long-term, adult relationship.

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Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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She's waiting to pay off student loans until she moves out. That won't be for another 6 months.

You mean she's waiting to pay off student loans until she moves out, or she's waiting to move out until she pays off student loans?

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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I have one roommate. I mentioned to my girlfriend about us living together and she brought up that her parents wouldn't allow it... I can understand where she's coming from but I think she's afraid to stand up to them. It sucks that our relationship has to go through this because of her willingness to do exactly what they say.

 

She's 25. Her parents can't do a damn thing if she wants to move in with you.

 

Here's what it boils down to.

 

Because she lives with her parents, she has to do what they say.

 

If she didn't live with her parents, she doesn't have to do what they say.

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silversun Member

silversun

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So what do I do in the mean time? Just be patient and deal with it? We're not able to hang out as much as we could because of them. Haven't been able to spend a weekend together ect. It's usually one weekday that we hang out and half a weekend day. The rest we're meeting for lunch during work. Am I being too needy by wanting to spend more time with her?

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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This is only my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

 

You need to talk to her about her moving in with you. Make it possible for her to do so.

 

Then, she needs to tell her parents, that if she's not allowed to spend the night at your place, or go away with you on trips, that she will move in with you.

 

Basically she needs to give an ultimatum to her parents. Hopefully they will give in and let her stay the night with you. If not, then she should move in with you.

 

The very first question is, are you prepared to have her live with you?

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silversun Member

silversun

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I'll talk to her soon about it. I'm ready but I doubt she would stand up to her parents. Guess I'll just have to think on it some more.

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Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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I'll talk to her soon about it. I'm ready but I doubt she would stand up to her parents. Guess I'll just have to think on it some more.

And there's your deeper issue. Beyond "where is she going to sleep tonight", you're dating a woman who is still attached to her family of origin.

ja123 Established Member

ja123

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I mentioned to my girlfriend about us living together and she brought up that her parents wouldn't allow it...

 

 

I wouldn't move her in just so she can escape her parents. You both seem really young, and she could use a bit of growing up time under neither her parents or your roof.

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Dallers Established Member

Dallers

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25 and not allowed to stay out after dark. Prepare yourself for impossible in laws for the future.

 

I would bolt personally. Cannot be with my girlie for 9 months and not have a midnight cuddle. F that.

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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Her parents control her because she lets them. She doesn't truly mind it, at all. If she did she wouldn't be living at home at 25 because her situation sounds practically unbearable to a normal person.

 

It's like dating a mama's boy, your relationship will ALWAYS be you, her, and them as long as she can't stand up to them, which you admit she won't do.

 

I get it, their house so their rules, but once she moves out she can't move in with you cause they won't like it? Please. Again, this relationship is going to be the 4 of you....

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Do her parents like you? It could be that she is using them as an excuse to not spend so much time with you. She also might want a marriage proposal before living with a man.

 

You see her several times per week. That seems like plenty to me. Besides, you only have another six months, supposedly. Wait till then and see if she has another excuse.

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silversun Member

silversun

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What's the best way to tell her to stand up to them? I've tried talking to her about it and we didn't really get anywhere on it. I don't want to leave her but I also don't see any easy solutions... I haven't met her parents yet. Appreciate the replies!

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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I haven't met her parents yet.

You've been dating 9 months and you haven't met her parents?!

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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You've been dating 9 months and you haven't met her parents?!

 

Seriously - ^ ^ THIS ^ ^ ?????

 

Silversun, you have a whole slew of issues yet to be revealed. The first thing would be to ask your girlfriend why you haven't met her parents.

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silversun Member

silversun

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I wanted her to meet mine around thanksgiving but my mom had a lot of health issues going on at the time. She has met my brother but not my parents yet either. Is it a sign of her not taking the relationship seriously?

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I wanted her to meet mine around thanksgiving but my mom had a lot of health issues going on at the time. She has met my brother but not my parents yet either. Is it a sign of her not taking the relationship seriously?

 

Or she knows her parents won't approve of you.

 

I mean seriously she lives with them and has never invited you in after a date or when you pick her up or ANYTHING?

 

Tell her you'd like to meet them.

 

It's weird as f*ck that you haven't. I wonder if her parents even know about you.

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Omei Established Member

Omei

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OP I hate to break it to you but it sounds like this is going to be her life for quite a while it may be years before she decides to leave her parents if she ever does there are people out there so dependant on family and never move out until marriage sometimes they even still live with family its all very weird.

 

I think you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship that will prob be this way for a very long time. You want her to stand up to her parents but she most likely won't she's got a great set up with being provided for.

 

Do not expect what you think should happen is going to happen most likely not the final result of anything she will pick her family.

Edited by Omei
HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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You're gf seems like she's hiding you at this point. Her parents may not even know she has a bf. There's a reason she's hiding you. Are you two from very different backgrounds?

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