gardeniagirl Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Hi LS. I'm 43, got engaged last summer to love of my life. We've been together 4 years. In January he broke up with me in a painful sideswipe that I did not see coming. I was devastated. Near suicide...not exaggerating I was a wreck. In the beginning, he just vanished, would not respond to texts. I finally went NC, and after about a month asked him for coffee. I was thrilled when he said yes and we turned it all around. Had 3 months of what I feel was bliss. Everything was amazing. He didn't re-introduce me to his family........he said he would after a while......never happened. The last week he seemed stress, but I thought it was due to a new position he had at work. I went on an overnight for work, he was sweet and loving while I was gone, texting me that he loved me. When I got home....he didn't answer texts/door/phone.....and still hasn't. I noticed last week the phone was ringing and dumping me into vm at a certain point. I guess I'm blocked. I sent some texts, don't know if he received them. I am gutted. I don't know what to do. Last time he at least communicated with me somewhat. I'm totally freaked that he has me blocked. I have loved him wholeheartedly for 4 years he's been my everything. Since we got back together, he has said the same.....that everything is fine, it will all be ok and don't worry he loves me. Well, I guess I should have worried. I need some solid advice. I'm devastated. I don't want to go over to his house or work or anything and be a psycho. But I missed all last week of work because I was crying........I want to work it out. I don't know if there is someone else.....we spent every single night together, so I can't imagine there was before.....could be now though. I don't know what to do. Do you guys think he'll end up eventually un blocking me?
SpiritualAlchemy Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Maybe he will, maybe he won't end up unblocking you, but don't rely on that. The important thing is for you to look after yourself at this crucial time. He is cowardly to do this to you after four years of devotion. Block him, delete him and any reminder of him, you must, and start that painful yet necessary process of healing. Go no contact, hard. Get into therapy if you need it. You are probably not eating or sleeping well but pay attention to your body's needs, because you need your strength. The positive thing about this is now that door can be closed on whether you tried your hardest to fix things, and the "what if" about reuniting with your ex. You did it, it didn't work, now you can shut that down as both a fantasy and viable option, and begin to move forward. Closure...forget about it from him. It's going to be hard in the next coming months, rely on yourself, your loved ones, this site for support. Do not engage with him. Your emotions are up and down, and you can't trust what you will do or say under this high stress. Cry ....let it all out. Crying is one of the few things you actually can rely on in the coming months, you're going to be doing a lot of it. Journal, physical exercise, keep yourself busy, spoil yourself - it's all about you, now. 2
me85 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I am so sorry for you. I understand exactly what you're going through. I've missed work due to crying all night and taking break ups VERY VERY badly as well. I've gone through major depression and had suicidal thoughts too. Please please please do not jeopardize your job though. As hard of a time you're having right now, you have to stay focused on everyday things. It is soooo very hard and I know first hand what it does to you, it breaks you down completely and it literally feels like you're dying. Well, a part of you IS dying. Let it. I wish I had words of wisdom but I don't really. All I can tell you is that "this too shall pass." I don't know how long this will take to go through your system, everyone is different when it comes to the healing process. Just know that you are not alone and we are all using this site to comfort one another the best way we know how. Make sure you take care of yourself. What he has done is so very selfish and just plain wrong. I too have been blocked. It hurts. But I also have been the one to block the majority of the time. You have exhausted yourself. Try to get some rest. If you have any type of mild medication for anxiety I advice you to literally take a "chill pill." Believe in your head & your heart that you are a strong surviving person. Because you have to be. As heartbreaking as it is, clearly he has issues that no one can help him with or he is just up to no good behind your back. Either way, you deserve better honey. Vent to me any time on here. It will get better, I PROMISE. Let this be your goal for tonight: Take a long hot bubble bath with candles and relaxing music (nothing sad or depressing, just soothing-I love telepopmusik & nina simone on pandora but whatever floats your boat)...maybe even a glass of wine. Put a hot washcloth over your face and JUST BREATHE.
somedude81 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 He's suddenly disappeared on you twice. Do you really want to go through a 3rd, 4th or 5th time? 2
BC1980 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 This guy was very emotionally abusive to you. I remember your other thread. The only advice that is suitable is to get therapy and forget him. 1
KaliLove Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Hi LS. I'm 43, got engaged last summer to love of my life. We've been together 4 years. In January he broke up with me in a painful sideswipe that I did not see coming. I was devastated. Near suicide...not exaggerating I was a wreck. In the beginning, he just vanished, would not respond to texts. I finally went NC, and after about a month asked him for coffee. I was thrilled when he said yes and we turned it all around. Had 3 months of what I feel was bliss. Everything was amazing. He didn't re-introduce me to his family........he said he would after a while......never happened. The last week he seemed stress, but I thought it was due to a new position he had at work. I went on an overnight for work, he was sweet and loving while I was gone, texting me that he loved me. When I got home....he didn't answer texts/door/phone.....and still hasn't. I noticed last week the phone was ringing and dumping me into vm at a certain point. I guess I'm blocked. I sent some texts, don't know if he received them. I am gutted. I don't know what to do. Last time he at least communicated with me somewhat. I'm totally freaked that he has me blocked. I have loved him wholeheartedly for 4 years he's been my everything. Since we got back together, he has said the same.....that everything is fine, it will all be ok and don't worry he loves me. Well, I guess I should have worried. I need some solid advice. I'm devastated. I don't want to go over to his house or work or anything and be a psycho. But I missed all last week of work because I was crying........I want to work it out. I don't know if there is someone else.....we spent every single night together, so I can't imagine there was before.....could be now though. I don't know what to do. Do you guys think he'll end up eventually un blocking me? Making someone your everything..that's a lot of pressure to put on another person. You need to stop putting all of your energy into this other, extremely unreliable guy and work on your own issues. Maybe someday he'll unblock you, maybe he won't, but you need to get a freaking grip. You lived a perfectly normal life for a long time without him, you can do it again. Whether he comes back or not, you shouldn't accept this treatment from anyone. Why don't you think you deserve better than a man who abandons you over and over again? Therapy therapy therapy. 1
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to respond. I know that I would be giving the same advice....I'm somehow really confused about how he could sit there to my face, say he loved me, say he missed me and how back it was when we were apart....yet turn right around and just vanish....after that very evening he was telling me everything was ok, well basically. Saying he loved me, etc. SO UPSET. I thought everything was going ok, which is one of the reasons I guess....why I'm having difficulty. Totally our of nowhere. I feel like I need to talk to him so bad....I know that if I could talk to him, he would be civil. But, short from stalking him, I don't know what I can do. I have cried so much I'm sick. I just don't understand it. A few of my girlfriends that I have shared this with said don't worry, he'll come back around, but I don't feel that it's that set in stone. Broken Hearted
Natsume21 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to respond. I know that I would be giving the same advice....I'm somehow really confused about how he could sit there to my face, say he loved me, say he missed me and how back it was when we were apart....yet turn right around and just vanish....after that very evening he was telling me everything was ok, well basically. Saying he loved me, etc. SO UPSET. I thought everything was going ok, which is one of the reasons I guess....why I'm having difficulty. Totally our of nowhere. I feel like I need to talk to him so bad....I know that if I could talk to him, he would be civil. But, short from stalking him, I don't know what I can do. I have cried so much I'm sick. I just don't understand it. A few of my girlfriends that I have shared this with said don't worry, he'll come back around, but I don't feel that it's that set in stone. Broken Hearted Your girlfriends said that? I think it's time you invested in some new friends. Ones who don't support the idea of a man treating you like crap. I repeat, find some better friends with better self-esteem. Surround yourself with strong people, maybe then you won't need this joker. 2
STM206 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 First and foremost you are NOT pathetic. You are a human being who is actually in touch with their emotions. We as dumpees are often made to feel like we don't measure up when left. I'm sure we can all relate that we were told all the reasons why WE weren't the right one for them. However they never once admit to their faults, they never come out and say "hey I'm unable to communicate like I should nor am able to figure out what I could've done to make a relationship work" because god knows that they sure as hell don't keep us updated on their feelings "changing" until they dump us. You are worthy and this guy was a coward. That's not your fault, that's HIS ****ing problem. As for the blocking goes, I've been blocked as well, it's a way for them to avoid having to face the coward behavior they pulled. Oh yay, I can just block someone and it's all over. I got out of the one without having to grow any balls. Uh oh, could this be it? Am I entering the anger phase? Yes, I hope this sticks! 4
Natsume21 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I think there's a trend that a lot of women in their 40s take break-ups harshly, well more harshly, than any other age group. I think it has something to do with the fear of ending up along as they age. 1
BC1980 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to respond. I know that I would be giving the same advice....I'm somehow really confused about how he could sit there to my face, say he loved me, say he missed me and how back it was when we were apart....yet turn right around and just vanish....after that very evening he was telling me everything was ok, well basically. Saying he loved me, etc. SO UPSET. I thought everything was going ok, which is one of the reasons I guess....why I'm having difficulty. Totally our of nowhere. I feel like I need to talk to him so bad....I know that if I could talk to him, he would be civil. But, short from stalking him, I don't know what I can do. I have cried so much I'm sick. I just don't understand it. A few of my girlfriends that I have shared this with said don't worry, he'll come back around, but I don't feel that it's that set in stone. Broken Hearted The relationship sounds pretty terrible from your previous thread. Why do you put up with such cr@p treatment?
hoping2heal Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) Hi OP, I have also seen your other thread so I know a little bit about the backstory here. I have to say, it's always so sad to me when I read posts from men or women who were not loved in their relationships and then they sit there bewildered at the dumping, or at the cheating, etc etc.. This is what is happening to you. For some very sad reason, you don't think you are worthy of being loved and cherished by someone. You found someone who only takes from you. Uses you like an item and sets you back on a shelf when he's done, or until he's ready to take you out and use you some more. I was joking with dearly beloved last week and I said "Oh but I'm a woman, go ahead and kick me in the face. But tell me you love so I'll know that you do." Now, was just my crude humor and before the PC police knocks on my door - I know women aren't the only gender guilty of it. I know you said therapists make issues out of nothing (OK I'm paraphrasing) and that might be true of some but quite frankly, everything you wrote in that post about how you pay for everything, rub his back because he asks when you haven't even had a chance to finish eating, etc. That kind of dynamic is NOT just "nobody's perfect and everyone has flaws" kind of stuff. That really is a dysfunctional and detrimental situation going on. Here you were, mistreated this whole time and now that he's left you're sad about it. Take that as your big red flag to YOURSELF of what damage this relationship has inflicted upon you. You ever hear of that study with the abused dogs, when the cage door was finally opened they wouldn't leave? Yeah. Edited May 24, 2014 by hoping2heal 2
me85 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 " You ever hear of that study with the abused dogs, when the cage door was finally opened they wouldn't leave? Yeah. " I can relate. 1
somedude81 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 'm somehow really confused about how he could sit there to my face, say he loved me, say he missed me and how back it was when we were apart....yet turn right around and just vanish....after that very evening he was telling me everything was ok, well basically. Saying he loved me, etc. SO UPSET. He's mentally ill. 1
OnwardandUpward Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Hi LS. I'm 43, got engaged last summer to love of my life. We've been together 4 years. In January he broke up with me in a painful sideswipe that I did not see coming. I was devastated. Near suicide...not exaggerating I was a wreck. In the beginning, he just vanished, would not respond to texts. I finally went NC, and after about a month asked him for coffee. I was thrilled when he said yes and we turned it all around. Had 3 months of what I feel was bliss. Everything was amazing. He didn't re-introduce me to his family........he said he would after a while......never happened. The last week he seemed stress, but I thought it was due to a new position he had at work. I went on an overnight for work, he was sweet and loving while I was gone, texting me that he loved me. When I got home....he didn't answer texts/door/phone.....and still hasn't. I noticed last week the phone was ringing and dumping me into vm at a certain point. I guess I'm blocked. I sent some texts, don't know if he received them. I am gutted. I don't know what to do. Last time he at least communicated with me somewhat. I'm totally freaked that he has me blocked. I have loved him wholeheartedly for 4 years he's been my everything. Since we got back together, he has said the same.....that everything is fine, it will all be ok and don't worry he loves me. Well, I guess I should have worried. I need some solid advice. I'm devastated. I don't want to go over to his house or work or anything and be a psycho. But I missed all last week of work because I was crying........I want to work it out. I don't know if there is someone else.....we spent every single night together, so I can't imagine there was before.....could be now though. I don't know what to do. Do you guys think he'll end up eventually un blocking me? I am 49 - mine was 12 years and i raised his kids and we owned a business and i was sick - he ended our marriage - i got left penniless and homeless and crazier then a cut snake. I have begged for 3 months via text. I feel pathetic but i know i am not. I have finally gone no contact and he can go rot in hell - i am now in anger stage. Let go love - i am 49 alone and terrified of the future because i broke my back but i will deal with this now that i have found my inner strength. You deserve better then what he just dished out to you. I promise you would never feel safe in this relationship long term anyway - you would be forever on edge wondering if he will do it again. Just let go - go to work, do not endanger your job. Get him off the pedestal you put him on, kick it right out from underneath him because he really is an arse. You tell me - do you think i should keep pining for my husband? Do you think i should hope he unblocks me so i can beg beg beg? He ended a marraige to the woman who raised his kids - whilst she was sick! I have been where you are for 3 months and all i can say is 'tell him to go f himself and let go '
me85 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 First and foremost you are NOT pathetic. You are a human being who is actually in touch with their emotions. We as dumpees are often made to feel like we don't measure up when left. I'm sure we can all relate that we were told all the reasons why WE weren't the right one for them. However they never once admit to their faults, they never come out and say "hey I'm unable to communicate like I should nor am able to figure out what I could've done to make a relationship work" because god knows that they sure as hell don't keep us updated on their feelings "changing" until they dump us. You are worthy and this guy was a coward. That's not your fault, that's HIS ****ing problem. As for the blocking goes, I've been blocked as well, it's a way for them to avoid having to face the coward behavior they pulled. Oh yay, I can just block someone and it's all over. I got out of the one without having to grow any balls. Uh oh, could this be it? Am I entering the anger phase? Yes, I hope this sticks! Ha. You're awesome. Keep that up!
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