To Leave or Not to Leave

[xtymorgan]

Okay, I'm brand spankin new here. Like 10 minutes new. I was referred here by a friend going through a similar situation. I don't even know what all of the abbreviations mean. But my situation seems to be a bit unique, at least I couldn't find a post close enough to my situation, so I decided to post my story and get some feedback from the seasoned veterans.

 

MY STORY (nutshell version)

My husband left in April with no explanation. A couple of days later, I discovered that he was having an emotional affair with a woman he had recently met. According to him, they have never done anything physical. Not sure I believe that, but I can't prove otherwise.

 

Herein lies the problem. I filed for divorce immediately; however, he is still stringing me a long and won't sign the divorce papers. He's not exactly asking to come back, in fact, he's definitely still seeing her. I've seen proof. I even saw a text where he told her he loved her. But for some reason, he still comes around our house and spends the night 2-3 times per week. We are still intimate...I just can't help myself. I still love him. Even though he loves another woman.

 

We've been together 12 years and he's raised my kids since they were two. Everyone is telling me to let him go be with her but it's so easy to say and so hard to follow through. He says he still loves me but I think he's "in love" with her. I think the love he has for me is just based on our history together and the bond we share. I don't think he's still "in love" with me. I don't think you CAN be with more than one person.

 

My question is this...what the hell should I do? I don't know whether to continue to fight for our marriage, let him come around and tell him I want him back OR whether to just tell him goodbye and let him be with her. I've not been able to bring myself to do that so far and I'm not sure I can. The thought of the two of them together makes me sick. I've lost 15 pounds since April...I can't eat because the images of that text message and the two of them together makes me nauseous so to think of letting him go be with her COMPLETELY is unbearable.

 

 

Another problem is that he's not a talker. He won't talk to me about his feelings for her or for me. He just splits his time between the w and me. To make matters worse, the w is flaunting the affair on Facebook, posting love notes on his timeline and pictures of her spending time together with our niece, proving they were together when he told me he was "working" Thursday.

 

I'm hoping someone on here has been through a similar situation and can provide guidance. Maybe even someone who's been in my husband's shoes and can explain what the hell he's doing and what he wants from me...why won't he let me go if he loves her so much?

 

I'm so thrilled to have found this forum. Hope you guys can help out a brand newbie!

[d0nnivain]

The waffling is what is making this harder.

 

Since you are still sleeping together, part of you want to fix this. If he does too & he's willing to stop seeing her (you are entitled to proof that he has communicated your reconcillation to her) AND you both can go to marraige counseling, work on your marriage.

 

If he isn't committed to reconciliation, you have to grow a backbone & cut off the sex. Change the locks. Don't let him come around. Be firm.

 

If you don't pick a side & stay committed to that side your behavior is teaching your children that it's OK to use people & that you don't value yourself. Are you sure that's the message you want to send?

[notserene]

1. Stop having sex with him. Go get tested for STDs. I don't believe for a minute that he wasn't having sex with her prior to the separation.

 

2. Don't talk to him about anything that isn't related to legal matters, finances, or your children (it doesn't sound as if you have mutual children but if he has a relationship with his stepkids, maybe he is seeing them).

 

He wants both of you because you are a security blanket for him in case the affair doesn't work out in the long run. Most affairs don't.

 

If he's not "fighting for your marriage," why should you? It's clearly not his priority...or he thinks he can continue to have both of you. Such a deal.

 

Look up information about "doing the 180" online. It will protect you and help you heal, regardless of the outcome.

[beach]

Stop sleeping with him and don't allow him to come by!

 

That's like rewarding bad behavior! It sends him the message that he can treat you terribly and you still take his crumbs. Stop doing that!

 

And get the divorce moving! Request a court date to determine the outcome. Since he's not ending his affair - you should end the marriage.

 

If a man doesn't make you his top priority - then waste no time on the relationship!

[tornapart2002]

If he can't make up his mind, then he's made up your mind.

 

Leave him.

 

Sorry, but if my husband had done that I would have been gone. I'm not going to sit and wonder who he will choose. This isn't high school. We're adults and if he has to sit and waffle about it, make the decision for him.

 

If he really wants you he'd have already said it and realized it.

 

Okay, I'm brand spankin new here. Like 10 minutes new. I was referred here by a friend going through a similar situation. I don't even know what all of the abbreviations mean. But my situation seems to be a bit unique, at least I couldn't find a post close enough to my situation, so I decided to post my story and get some feedback from the seasoned veterans.

 

MY STORY (nutshell version)

My husband left in April with no explanation. A couple of days later, I discovered that he was having an emotional affair with a woman he had recently met. According to him, they have never done anything physical. Not sure I believe that, but I can't prove otherwise.

 

Herein lies the problem. I filed for divorce immediately; however, he is still stringing me a long and won't sign the divorce papers. He's not exactly asking to come back, in fact, he's definitely still seeing her. I've seen proof. I even saw a text where he told her he loved her. But for some reason, he still comes around our house and spends the night 2-3 times per week. We are still intimate...I just can't help myself. I still love him. Even though he loves another woman.

 

We've been together 12 years and he's raised my kids since they were two. Everyone is telling me to let him go be with her but it's so easy to say and so hard to follow through. He says he still loves me but I think he's "in love" with her. I think the love he has for me is just based on our history together and the bond we share. I don't think he's still "in love" with me. I don't think you CAN be with more than one person.

 

My question is this...what the hell should I do? I don't know whether to continue to fight for our marriage, let him come around and tell him I want him back OR whether to just tell him goodbye and let him be with her. I've not been able to bring myself to do that so far and I'm not sure I can. The thought of the two of them together makes me sick. I've lost 15 pounds since April...I can't eat because the images of that text message and the two of them together makes me nauseous so to think of letting him go be with her COMPLETELY is unbearable.

 

 

Another problem is that he's not a talker. He won't talk to me about his feelings for her or for me. He just splits his time between the w and me. To make matters worse, the w is flaunting the affair on Facebook, posting love notes on his timeline and pictures of her spending time together with our niece, proving they were together when he told me he was "working" Thursday.

 

I'm hoping someone on here has been through a similar situation and can provide guidance. Maybe even someone who's been in my husband's shoes and can explain what the hell he's doing and what he wants from me...why won't he let me go if he loves her so much?

 

I'm so thrilled to have found this forum. Hope you guys can help out a brand newbie!

[harrybrown]

Is there any thing that your attorney can do to speed up the divorce?

 

I hope my now that you have changed the locks, and will not have him staying with you and her.

 

If you had an affair, he would not want to share you with your AP.

 

Have a VAR on you for protection. (in case he tries to say you did something that you did not do)

 

So sorry that you have such a painful experience.

 

I agree about you doing the 180 and getting on with your life without him.

[Scorpio Chick]

Let's deal with the financial issues first, since that is precisely what you will come to think about in the coming months.

 

Screen shot the Facebook pages where the other woman is making public the affair. Do it now and don't think about it, don't think about why you are doing it, JUST DO IT NOW. Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster, that is one thing you can count on. What you can't count on that you will need to count on, is hardcore proof of an affair.

 

Did he legally adopt your children? If so, he is liable for child support. Be thinking along those lines.

 

What are the laws concerning legal separation in your state? The clock doesn't start ticking until he really is moved out. Every instance of 'intimacy' is a reconciliation, in the eyes of the law. In your eyes too, but sorry to say, for your cheating husband, it is just easy sex.

 

Does he have a retirement plan? Are you in a community property state?

 

My strong suggestion, and I would shake you out of the understandable emotional fog you're in right now, is to suggest that for right now, you can HURT yourself financially down the line if you don't set your emotions aside RIGHT NOW and understand, your husband is playing the worst kind of game on you he could play. I understand, believe me, that it is hard to say no to intimacy with him. BUT YOU BETTER DO IT. He is playing you. Do not put up with it a second longer. Fake it til you make it, sweetie.

 

If you're able, HIRE AN ATTORNEY NOW. Find out if you can get the locks changed. HE LEFT YOU. His mistress cares so very little for her own image, let alone your feelings, and those of your children, that she is publicly boasting about an affair with a married man. I don't even understand how you're not angry. But moving on, please believe me when I say, once time passes, you will probably truly hear what I'm trying to tell you. If you're not angry now? Trust me, you will be furious soon enough.

 

I'm not giving you any advice on the emotional aspect of this because from what it sounds like, there's no redeeming a 'man' like this. You need to be rid of him.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[xtymorgan]

Thanks for all of the wonderful support and suggestions.

 

I did read the column about the 180. It sounds exactly like what I need to do, only it's easier said than done.

 

I took the first step in the 180 last night by not allowing him to come over for the first time since we separated.

 

Several people mentioned changing the locks. I already did that. It's just that I kept opening the door.

 

I know that I'm the one who's making it worse on myself by continuing to let him come over. And yes, you're right that it sets a bad example for my girls! They are teenagers now and it's not the message I want to send to them.

 

In my state (KY) infidelity is not admissible in a divorce. It's a no-fault state. So "proof" of the affair (which I have gathered, however) would be pointless.

 

I have the final divorce papers here on my kitchen counter. I'm a paralegal so I'm doing my whole divorce pro se (by myself, without a lawyer). I've done dozens of divorces so I know what I'm doing. I just need to tell him firmly and finally that I want him to sign the papers once and for all. I think he'll do it if I tell him that. Because I'm the one who's been dragging this out even more than he.

 

It's just so painful to finally let him go. The thought of the two of them together makes my stomach turn. We've been together almost 12 years and our wedding anniversary is next month. That will be a very sad day for me. But I have to be strong, I know that now. 180 right?

 

Thanks again for all of the helpful comments.

[2sunny]

That's a good start! Keep in mind the example to your teenagers that you are showing them a strong woman of self control and integrity.

 

If you are holding it up at this point you can change that and get the divorce finalized, right?

[xtymorgan]

Yes, since I am the one holding it up (well, to be fair, he doesn't seem inclined to sign them either for some reason), I can speed it up and finalize the divorce. I have all the final papers printed and ready for us both to sign. I just need to grow a pair and tell him it's time to sign.

 

Wanna know another thing that's bothering me? It's kind of cruel and very unhealthy for me, but I've been daydreaming about sending her a text (yes, I have her number, she sent it to me on FB one time) telling her all about how he's still coming around, spending the night and making love to me. I'm pretty sure it will piss her off highly as I'm also pretty sure he's telling her he never sees me anymore. I even screenshot text messages he sends me as proof that he's still "with" me so I can send them to her as proof. I'm secretly hoping that would piss her off so much she'd end it with him. BUT I also know it would piss him off highly and that it would push him further away from me. I've been thinking about posting this as a new thread to get the others' suggestions. Although I'm pretty sure everyone will say not to do it. I might lose him but I've pretty much lost him already to her. I guess I'm hoping that if I can't have him, she can't either?

 

Thoughts?

[Lp1]

He's in lust with her. Alot of marriages actually survive this sort of affair if you are both willing to work on it together.He is having his cake& eating it too. This will continue if you allow it. Maybe he needs to feel the loss of his family& you could show him just that by changing the locks on the door& not allowing him to come& go as he pleases!I would recommend going to therapy for yourself as there are children involved & respect yourself enough to not sleep with him anylonger. The more you give into him the less he will feel the pain he has caused.Make yourself& the kids emotional well being the priority

[Lp1]

& yes , I wouldn't make it easy on him. I would send her a message telling her exactly what's going on! That may sound messy but he's your husband . As far as speeding up the divorce process, of there's any hope( as bad as this advice may sound) I would halt it. I would not expedite the process because you are confused& I have been there myself. Divorce is a permanent desision and there are a lot of things to consider. Self respect is important & I don't agree with what he's done to his family& I certainly don't recommend allowing him to walk all over you. Play it smart& go to couples therapy before giving up. Also I wouldn't give the home wrecker the satisfaction of thinking that she could sink her claws into him& take the children's father, your husband away from your family. I truly believe he's been hooked& reeled in by a home wrecker . Fight back.

[veritas lux mea]

Bad advice, you do not know how he feels about this other woman. Survive this affair, how do you know if they stay together be would actually be happy. The kids don't need any more of this unhappiness.. If a man did that to me, there would be no way back, he does not care how she feels. Eugh. How can you be sure even if he is not in love with someone else, he would not do that again. He is not even sorry. It is obvious he is having his cake and eating it though so something has to give. Act now.

 

But your man has done this to you in his way and you still won't give him up?

[Lp1]

I was actually given that advice from two different therapists after my ex husband did the same thing to me. Both therapists were highly credentialed & what each of them said made perfect sense:" True love takes time to grow, real life experiences together" Lust is what happens in the beginning of new relationships, also infatuation. Do I regret the divorce? I sure do. Our marriage could've been saved.

[stillafool]

OP, if you don't stop sleeping with him you will end up being his side piece. Do you want that? Leave him be and if he wants you back make him work for it otherwise he will not respect you.