abstractxparade Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I am so torn. It has been over a month and a half since I mutually and amicably ended things with my ex boyfriend and I am questioning everything. I wonder if it was the right choice to break up, and if we could have salvaged the relationship. I want him to call yet I don't want him to. I want to message his parents who I was so close to yet I don't think I should. Why we broke up/are incompatible: -He smoked pot daily and I do not have this lifestyle. He also was high all the time or wanted to be and I did not prefer this. -He appreciated his space more, and liked to talk only a few times per day. I liked to talk a lot more and felt I was not getting enough time or attention. He felt I was too needy. -He wanted to live and work in a certain different country in the future and I am not sure I wanted this. -I felt not acknowledged enough in general which made me feel unhappy. He viewed me as too sensitive or emotional. Why I have doubts about breaking up/long for the relationship back: -I miss our friendship and his unique, playful silly side and the special bond we shared -In hindsight I feel like I could have dealt with the pot and lack of attention if I had him in my life (desperate I know) -I got to know every aspect of him and his family and I miss this comfort and familiarity -I feel like I'll never have anyone as laid back, funny, and who takes care of me as much as him I don't know if I did the right thing by letting him go. Please help
elseaacych Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) Who initiated the break up? You or him? Very rarely are those things mutual. If you did, it's on you to try to put things back together if you really want to. Though, looking at your lists: the things you listed as "cons" were very specific traits to who he was and why things didn't work between you. The "pros" are generalized: "He's familiar", "I know him very well", "We had a special bond". Well, what specifically made your bond special? We all have or had special bonds with our partners or ex-partners, because they wanted to be with us and commitment and blah blah blah... (Sorry, "special bonds" are hard to explain because they are squishy and generalized. Everyone has them with their partners. You can't really explain them, but you can only justify them if you both want to be together. That does not look to be the case with you and your ex.) Fear of not finding another partner is reasonable, but I guarantee you, there are lots of people who don't smoke pot out there: some may even be laid back and funny! You never know! Meanwhile, on the con list, you have some very important core things to healthy relationships, such as a shared future are missing.(both not wanting to go to the same place is not a good thing) You had deal breakers. Then you said you'd desperately put up with the dealbreaking issue: pot. Don't sell yourself short. Stand by your standards! Would you put up with him smoking pot for the next 50-70 years? Really? Or do you think it could be a contentious issue? Sounds like a deal breaker, really. At some point, we all regret the loss of our ended relationships, because at one point the person was special to us. But really: what made him special to you, at the core of it all? That he wanted to be with you and only you. That no longer is the case. He let you go. You let him go. Trust your instincts. He's not as special as he once was. Neither of you wanted to nurture "the specialness" that made you a special, unique couple because there are certain incompatibilities that you can't deal with! There's nothing wrong with that, but because you and he can't deal with it and he left you or you left him, your bond is no longer "special". He's just a regular guy, who you know is capable of leaving you. You know what else is out there in the world? Other regular guys! Who want to have special connections too! They may not want to leave you when things get tough or if you are this or that, or aren't whatever they want you to be. They will love you on your good days and your ugly days. You will think the sun shines out his ass, regardless of whatever bad qualities he has. THAT, ABSTRACT, IS SPECIAL. And you know what, you can find these relationships! Why? Because you have qualities that are loveable and made this last guy fall in love with you. If you did it once, you can do it again. There are lots of smart, funny, laid back, whatever trait floats your boat, type guys out in the world! Don't doubt yourself. Things are tough now, and they will be tough for awhile. But if you stand by your standards, and look for these guys, and be happy and confident in who you are, you will MOST LIKELY find one that is a good match for you! YOU CAN DO IT. Edited May 24, 2014 by elseaacych 2
FredJones80 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Though, looking at your lists: the things you listed as "cons" were very specific traits to who he was and why things didn't work between you. Agree with elseaacych here, these are specifics about him. If you can't accept them, he can't change them or you aren't willing to compromise then no amount of love can conquer this. Sad but true.
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 You have something akin to Buyer's Remorse. I have questioned the end of every relationship, especially after the loneliness set in. Intellectually I think on balance you made the right decision. Your long term goals were not compatible. 2
Author abstractxparade Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) Who initiated the break up? You or him? Very rarely are those things mutual. If you did, it's on you to try to put things back together if you really want to. Though, looking at your lists: the things you listed as "cons" were very specific traits to who he was and why things didn't work between you. The "pros" are generalized: "He's familiar", "I know him very well", "We had a special bond". Well, what specifically made your bond special? We all have or had special bonds with our partners or ex-partners, because they wanted to be with us and commitment and blah blah blah... (Sorry, "special bonds" are hard to explain because they are squishy and generalized. Everyone has them with their partners. You can't really explain them, but you can only justify them if you both want to be together. That does not look to be the case with you and your ex.) Fear of not finding another partner is reasonable, but I guarantee you, there are lots of people who don't smoke pot out there: some may even be laid back and funny! You never know! Meanwhile, on the con list, you have some very important core things to healthy relationships, such as a shared future are missing.(both not wanting to go to the same place is not a good thing) You had deal breakers. Then you said you'd desperately put up with the dealbreaking issue: pot. Don't sell yourself short. Stand by your standards! Would you put up with him smoking pot for the next 50-70 years? Really? Or do you think it could be a contentious issue? Sounds like a deal breaker, really. At some point, we all regret the loss of our ended relationships, because at one point the person was special to us. But really: what made him special to you, at the core of it all? That he wanted to be with you and only you. That no longer is the case. He let you go. You let him go. Trust your instincts. He's not as special as he once was. Neither of you wanted to nurture "the specialness" that made you a special, unique couple because there are certain incompatibilities that you can't deal with! There's nothing wrong with that, but because you and he can't deal with it and he left you or you left him, your bond is no longer "special". He's just a regular guy, who you know is capable of leaving you. You know what else is out there in the world? Other regular guys! Who want to have special connections too! They may not want to leave you when things get tough or if you are this or that, or aren't whatever they want you to be. They will love you on your good days and your ugly days. You will think the sun shines out his ass, regardless of whatever bad qualities he has. THAT, ABSTRACT, IS SPECIAL. And you know what, you can find these relationships! Why? Because you have qualities that are loveable and made this last guy fall in love with you. If you did it once, you can do it again. There are lots of smart, funny, laid back, whatever trait floats your boat, type guys out in the world! Don't doubt yourself. Things are tough now, and they will be tough for awhile. But if you stand by your standards, and look for these guys, and be happy and confident in who you are, you will MOST LIKELY find one that is a good match for you! YOU CAN DO IT. Thank you so much, elseaacych. I have read many many posts and this one is one of the most insightful and helpful, if not the best. It actually was a mutual agreement. It was back and forth with who wanted it then one night he seemed to be unsure about us/want out but I convinced him otherwise. Then the next day I told him I agreed with him and just didn't want to let go the night before but agreed that we were incompatible and should split. I guess he started the cycle 24 hours before I "agreed" to the breakup but it really could go either way. You're right. I am generalizing the pros, whereas the cons are much more specific, cut and dry. I am justifying wanting him with the pros that I could have with anyone. They are not so good. I probably would not want to deal with the pot if I was put in the situation right now for the rest of my life. I say I would deal with it, but let's be honest. If it wasn't contraversial/a dealbreaker, we would not have fought so much about it and it would not have been one of the main reasons why we broke up. And of course we had a special bond. We were dating for a year. Anyone would. Nicknames, inside jokes, laughter, whatever, can all be replaced. It was unique to us but a new unique "special" bond can be replaced. I am giving him too much credit and idealizing him. Just like you said: "Well, what specifically made your bond special? We all have or had special bonds with our partners or ex-partners, because they wanted to be with us and commitment and blah blah blah." Our bond was only special because we were committed to each other and made each other our only one. Viewing him as now single, he's not as desirable than as someone who wanted me. He was special because our bond was special. Our bond was special because we were each other's one and only. Another great point: "Because you and he can't deal with it and he left you or you left him, your bond is no longer "special". He's just a regular guy, who you know is capable of leaving you." Though it was mutual, he was quick to leave me, and also never wanted to confront our problems always wanted to run. Without being together, we no longer have a special bond. Once again he's just a regular guy, and I can meet others like him who don't have the same unfavorable qualities. Now I can be nitpicky I guess. Anyway, thanks so much for your time and consideration. It means the world to me. Edited May 25, 2014 by abstractxparade 2
Strength in Healing Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 -He wanted to live and work in a certain different country in the future and I am not sure I wanted this. Let me guess. Amsterdam???
Author abstractxparade Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Let me guess. Amsterdam??? noo lol !!!!!
FredJones80 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Let me guess. Amsterdam??? Amsterdam is a city brother
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