Red123 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Well today marks the big 6 months, the timeframe I told myself I wasn't allowed to make any major decisions until. I can say that the pain from the A is not as strong but still present for sure. I feel better in a lot of ways, I can sleep, eat I lost 40 pounds from September to march and I am able to concentrate at work again. Well not fully for the last one I read LS way too much but it's better for sure. I thought I would get to this day and have this sense of clarity about what to do. Well I didn't come. Surprise!!! My H and I are doing better and he has made major changes that he is sticking to so far. MOW made her last contact attempt about 2 months ago and we haven't heard anything since. We start MC next week which my H set up on his own. So I guess although I don't have that lightbulb over my head giving all if the answers I thought(fantasy) I would have, it looks like there is progress that was hard to see day to day but looking back is there. I decided to do a check on my H work computer and phone today, which I don't do very often and it was clean. I searched the sh$t out of them and it came up clean. So that is good too. Still scared but I think I am making the right choices but only time will. Anyone else want to share how they are doing after some time has passed? 7
xtymorgan Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I'll share, but I doubt it's going to be much help for you. I'm new here, but I'm assuming DDAY is Discovery Day? Or something like that? If so, my DDay was last August. We separated for about 2 months, the affair ended and then he came back home. We really were doing great (as far as I knew) until last month when he moved all of his stuff out while I was at work with nothing more than a text that said "i'm leaving". Two days later, I figured out that he was back with the OW. She had been to drug rehab and had recently gotten out and then they reestablished contact in February apparently. I guess he figured out that he was in love with her and couldn't "live a lie" anymore? Since he moved out last month, I've been allowing him to come home and sleep in my bed 2-3 nights per week. I've only recently begun to realize how stupid this is and that I need to employ the "180" method discussed in this forum. I just told him last night for the first time that he couldn't come over. Today he's not even texted me but once to ask if I was awake. Nothing since then. I get the feeling he's probably a bit relieved that I'm "letting him go". After all, I discovered text messages on his phone last week wherein he was professing his love for her. My point is, time DOES heal all wounds but only if you work at it. The time frame will vary from experience to experience. For me, I'm only on day one of truly being separated from him even though this whole thing started nearly a year ago. It's so painful to know that the love of my life is in love with someone else and it's so hard to let him go. But I'm trying. I know that if I put some space and time between us, I will begin to heal. But I am DREADING these next few weeks/months/years. I hope everything works out for you. Sounds like your H is making the efforts necessary to attempt a sincere reconciliation. If he truly keeps up the good work and proves his loyalty and sincere regret for his behavior, then there is hope for your marriage. I think it's wonderful you are going to counseling. My husband would NEVER go to counseling. Best of luck to you. 3
Author Red123 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 I'll share, but I doubt it's going to be much help for you. I'm new here, but I'm assuming DDAY is Discovery Day? Or something like that? If so, my DDay was last August. We separated for about 2 months, the affair ended and then he came back home. We really were doing great (as far as I knew) until last month when he moved all of his stuff out while I was at work with nothing more than a text that said "i'm leaving". Two days later, I figured out that he was back with the OW. She had been to drug rehab and had recently gotten out and then they reestablished contact in February apparently. I guess he figured out that he was in love with her and couldn't "live a lie" anymore? Since he moved out last month, I've been allowing him to come home and sleep in my bed 2-3 nights per week. I've only recently begun to realize how stupid this is and that I need to employ the "180" method discussed in this forum. I just told him last night for the first time that he couldn't come over. Today he's not even texted me but once to ask if I was awake. Nothing since then. I get the feeling he's probably a bit relieved that I'm "letting him go". After all, I discovered text messages on his phone last week wherein he was professing his love for her. My point is, time DOES heal all wounds but only if you work at it. The time frame will vary from experience to experience. For me, I'm only on day one of truly being separated from him even though this whole thing started nearly a year ago. It's so painful to know that the love of my life is in love with someone else and it's so hard to let him go. But I'm trying. I know that if I put some space and time between us, I will begin to heal. But I am DREADING these next few weeks/months/years. I hope everything works out for you. Sounds like your H is making the efforts necessary to attempt a sincere reconciliation. If he truly keeps up the good work and proves his loyalty and sincere regret for his behavior, then there is hope for your marriage. I think it's wonderful you are going to counseling. My husband would NEVER go to counseling. Best of luck to you. Thank you. I'm very sorry for what is happening in your life right now. It sounds incredibly painful. I'm curious, and I hope I'm not out of line, but why was he wanting to come home and stay those nights each week if he had left to be with the OW? You don't have to answer but it seems cruel on his part to go back and forth like that and was she aware? I wish you well. 2
Author Red123 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 You responded to me as an OW in pain so I am going to respond to you in truth. My MM has not had sex with me for six months since d day but he still had contact with me. Just be aware (and I am doing you a favor here) that there are more ways to skin a cat than a telephone or computer You have to be vigilent but also you have to not show that you are vigilent. -computer and phones means nothing. I even arranged a meeting with MM after we lost contact by leaving a message on his car. At the end of the day there has to be a will to stop contact. If like me, it is a long affair then it will take lots longer. Me, I just would not go there knowing what i now. If it is a short affair, more hope. I know my MM is never going to be happy and neither am I. I'm not sure what you mean by me responding to in pain. I actually don't think I responded to you at all. I did comment in your thread but I think it was in response to someone else and I don't believe I was cruel. My H A was very short nothing compared to some on this forum. I am also well aware that there are many ways to have contact but I do believe my H doesn't want it with her. Again my update was literally just that and writing out how far I feel I have come from Dday. My posts and threads are never intended to be cruel or hurtful. I don't pretend to know what goes on others lives. Please reread what I wrote. It's my truth not an attack on anyone. Thanks for the post 1
snappytomcat Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You responded to me as an OW in pain so I am going to respond to you in truth. My MM has not had sex with me for six months since d day but he still had contact with me. Just be aware (and I am doing you a favor here) that there are more ways to skin a cat than a telephone or computer You have to be vigilent but also you have to not show that you are vigilent. -computer and phones means nothing. I even arranged a meeting with MM after we lost contact by leaving a message on his car. At the end of the day there has to be a will to stop contact. If like me, it is a long affair then it will take lots longer. Me, I just would not go there knowing what i now. If it is a short affair, more hope. I know my MM is never going to be happy and neither am I. wow,youre doing red a favor,here yes bs do know that their are a lot of ways to hide an affair,after dday,but many of the xws are truly remorseful by what they did.i know you are in pain,and you also say very hurtful things,and I understand that the reason you do is cause you are very hurt,and in love with your mm,but a lot of mms do a 180,on dday and I know for certain mine doesn't think about the xow at all. its been over for a year now,and we have moved on 2
Author Red123 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 I never said you couldn't reconcile but after a long affair I would say it was harder I think six months is easy to get over and I wish mine had been short. The A wasn't six months. It was 3.5 in total. That counts when they met and were IMs for two weeks with no meetings and a month of LC with no meetings. The full A was about 2 months if not less. The 6 months is the timeframe since Dday when I got the full disclosure. A lot has happened from the time his A started until now.
gettingstronger Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 16 months in reconciliation. The highs are not as high, so the lows are not as low. That unbalanced feeling is being replaced with a sense of peace. It does get better and it does start to feel more sustainable and less like a daily challenge. The upside is the sex has continued to be incredible, it's not as desperate as it was at the start, like two people trying to escape pain. It's now just hot and crazy and more like two people enjoying a new found passion.
Author Red123 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 16 months in reconciliation. The highs are not as high, so the lows are not as low. That unbalanced feeling is being replaced with a sense of peace. It does get better and it does start to feel more sustainable and less like a daily challenge. The upside is the sex has continued to be incredible, it's not as desperate as it was at the start, like two people trying to escape pain. It's now just hot and crazy and more like two people enjoying a new found passion. That is the best update I've heard in a long time:). Peace sounds so good and I'm really happy for you. I totally get the sex thing and the desperation at the beginning, we were so there too. I'm happy to report that area of my life is going very well too:).
snappytomcat Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I never said you couldn't reconcile but after a long affair I would say it was harder I think six months is easy to get over and I wish mine had been short. maybe for some long term yes I do agree,it might be harder,my husbands affair was 3 years long distance only saw each other 3 times,and he did a 180 on dday,he never loved her,shes even admitted this,she was just an escape. now I know its not like this for everyone,but for us it was 2
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