DazedandConfused8 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 As I wrote in my other post, my fiancee and I are currently on the rocks over stress and losing the spark. Over the past 2 weeks I've had a million questions and a million potential answers about what happened, where this came from, and how it can be fixed. Like I wrote earlier, part of the breakdown (I think) was that I set absolute boundaries on her drug use (marijuana). I never told her she couldn't smoke (cigarettes), but I was also to the point in saying that she should quit eventually. (And she did, for over 15 months, until our break up.) How does someone work at setting boundaries without falling into a parent-child relationship? Should I say she's free to do what she wants, or is there a middle ground we could both live with?
BlueIris Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 None of us can expect that another person should do what we want him or her to do. It’s disrespectful and controlling to tell another person what they can and can’t do. It’s one thing to talk to her and say that something bothers you or worries you, but her behavior is her choice, just as your behavior is your choice. If you can’t accept someone’s behavior and he or she continues it, break up with him or her. Boundaries are your own internal standards for how someone treats you. Boundaries are not rules that you impose on another person. She IS free to do whatever she wants to do, just as you are. You can’t tell her what she's "free" (ironic use of the word free) to do. If you don’t accept what she does, for heavens sake, don’t marry her.
carhill Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 How does someone work at setting boundaries without falling into a parent-child relationship? 'I find xxx to be unacceptable and, absent any mutually agreeable compromise, we're done' A more successful and socially charming person will doll this up with smooth talk but essentially that's it. I learned this kind of straight talk in MC. A boundary is 'I don't accept this behavior'. A person will behave any way they choose. I simply choose not to accept it, if it abrogates a boundary, and consequences obtain. Lastly, if identified, refrain from entering relationships with people who demonstrate behaviors you know to be absolute boundary breakers. For example, if you are firmly against illegal drugs, and you know a person whom you're interacting with uses them, then don't pursue interaction with them. They may behave, and use drugs, by their own choice; you have choices too. If a boundary breaking behavior begins in a relationship, then deal with it as above. My anecodotal experience is that, the more attracted one is to a person who breaks one's boundaries of behavior, the more likely one is to slip those boundaries. Human nature at work. One can establish and enforce boundaries without treating another person as a child. With children, parents set the *child's* boundaries. In adult relationships, one sets one's own *personal* boundaries. The focus is on self. Hope that makes sense and good luck!
BetrayedH Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 As I wrote in my other post, my fiancee and I are currently on the rocks over stress and losing the spark. Over the past 2 weeks I've had a million questions and a million potential answers about what happened, where this came from, and how it can be fixed. Like I wrote earlier, part of the breakdown (I think) was that I set absolute boundaries on her drug use (marijuana). I never told her she couldn't smoke (cigarettes), but I was also to the point in saying that she should quit eventually. (And she did, for over 15 months, until our break up.) How does someone work at setting boundaries without falling into a parent-child relationship? Should I say she's free to do what she wants, or is there a middle ground we could both live with? You know, I don't have an answer to this question and so it seems really pertinent. I've been hesitating to answer for like, a week. It's such a fine line between boundaries and compromise. I don't know where the line is. I've had a SO for 2 years now. Limerance is ending. Sometimes I am much better about communicating my 'needs' (and communicating, in general) and other times I am wondering if I am slipping into old patterns of 'compromise.' And I wonder if compromise is a good thing or bad thing. A 'handbook' for women would be very helpful. Perhaps it should be broken down into age ranges. It would help if it was also based upon my personal SO so that I can anticipate WTF is actually going on with her since I am, by definition, a male that doesn't really have a clue. Anyway, seems like a relevant thread to me.
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