Twinkletwinkle Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Hey guys, I really need advice and support. It's all confusing and in a mess! Sorry its a long post but i appreciate any advice. My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me the other day all of a sudden. We basically meet at salsa 6 months ago and he was so great, sparkly eyes for me, acting so keen, looking at me like he loved me, eyes just for me, not much for other girls, kind and understanding etc... We slept together after a month so we didn't rush. His personality is magnetising, he would always compliment me and say loving things to me (which i really needed after a difficult past). I just love his energy, since of humour, affectionate and warm eyes, not to mention his strong male type of personality and he has a great muscular physic. Anyway, some things started to go wrong; first it started when i invited him out with my friends. This guy was talking to me and instead of joining in he walked ahead with my friend most of the time looking really interested in her. She was a little drunk and upset as we had left late and she was rushing ahead. He seemed more interested in her rather than me while they walked instead of taking times to come back and walk/mix with me. I got upset after as it seemed a bit flirty (he has naturally got a flirty personality but it was a bit much). I told him it didn't make me feel good and he said it was nothing but it seemed odd to me. Anyway he said he was sorry and we made it up. But i was a bit worried from then to mix him with my gfs. Then after a while i noticed him looking at other girls, not staring so much, but obvious and quite often looks. Sometimes he denied it and sometimes he said it was natural and didn't mean anything. I said i understand some guys do it but please don't be obvious or even better not when i'm around. Then it was all going good until i had an instinct to check his phone (which i have never done before), basically i found two suspicious textes, one which looked identically like his ex gf and another one which seemed like a flirty or more text. I asked him about it and he denied that one was his ex gf, instead he insisted it was his ex flat mate who he lived with when we meet (even though she looked the same and had the same name) and the other text he said was a girl he meet at salsa (when i was too broke or tried to go a few times) who i found out he asked for her number and went out for a couple of drinks, he said it was just friends but the textes didn't sound like that - there were winks, he asked for whats app/skype, and the worst - she was saying maybe we shouldn't have spoke the other day, lets leave things the way they were, he replied, i enjoyed speaking. Then she went on to say i need space, it isn't you its me!! he replied i guess we are not meeting then, have a good one. I told him this didn’t sound like just friends, but for ages he persisted that it was until i said i didn't believe him and broke up with him (a few weeks ago), then he tried to contact me and still persisted he wasn't lying, then when he new it was over I rang him and said i can't understand why he won't tell me the truth - then he admitted it, he said the ex flat mate was his ex gf but he wanted to not admit it even to himself as he just thought of her like that in the end when they broke up a few months apparently before we meet but he lived with her. And he said that the flirty textes with the girl acting strange was because after they went out for a drink one time, she ended with cuddling him and kissing him on the cheek goodbye which took him by surprise and then she sent those textes. I was happy he at least told me some truth but i wasn't sure if it was all true, we got back together and i still asked him about it which he didn't like. He didn't want to speak about his ex gf as well, saying he can't remember the month exactly when they broke up etc (he does take med for epilepsy so i thought maybe it was cause of this). Then things were good between us especially physically but not quite the same in the relationship as it was still a bit tense. Then the other night i meet up with him as he said he missed me but he was in a bit of a bad mood as he was very busy at work. When he came up to meet me on the bike i got annoyed as i saw him looking at this girl. I feel bad but i was sensitive after all that happened and i was on my period. So we had a argument, me saying stuff out of emotions like maybe he wants to be single and i picked the wrong guy and maybe we can't make each other happy etc.. and then walked off in a huff. He came after me but was annoyed and tried to explain he wasn't looking, then i said ok take me for a drink and we can talk about it, we went for a drink and then i went back to his, i said to him i am happy to give him a second chance (regarding the textes). We had sex in the morning, but after he seemed distant. Then when i was at work he text me he had something to tell me, that he wanted to just be friends, that he is sorry to say it suddenly, i was so upset as he has always acted so into me. He said he had been thinking and after our argument the other night, maybe he should be single, that he is into me but can't make me happy. I was so upset, he said he would talk after work but he instead went to the gym (like usual) and told me he can't talk now. Then i thought i would go to salsa to keep busy as i felt so bad and he probably wouldn't go. But he ended up showing up later and came in like nothing had happened, like he wasn't bothered, still asking me to dance and looking at me sexually, saying sweet things etc... then i said i was confused and he then started dancing with other girls, he was not flirting so much but he seemed interested in getting to know them, this hurt. Then when i left i said goodbye, hoping he would come after me and he looked like he wanted to but didn't. Then i was so hurt i phoned him when i got home, we then skyped and he told me that it wasn't easy for him, but after me getting upset about my friend months ago, about the textes and looking at girls that he thinks we are not right for each other, that he is physically attracted to me and loves me but mainly in the way that he wants me to be happy, he is not sure if i am the one, and as he can't remember when he was last single that he thinks he needs to be single. He said that he couldn’t make me happy and that I would maybe be happier with someone else. He also said he didn’t like the way I threatened him by walking away when we argued and then saying he can get me a drink (I feel bad that I reacted so emotionally) and that when I said about a second chance he thought he didn’t want one, but yet he welcomed me back to his place. Then he was flirting abit with me suddenly, but he realised he shouldn't and stopped, he seemed so confused and said he doesn’t want to talk about love as he doesn’t know what it is. I couldn't believe it, previously he had talked/hinted about marriage, he told me he loved me, he was always so kind and loving and then this, out of the blue after a couple of arguments. I don't know what to do or what to think, i'm so confused and i know a lot of people may say he is a player, which could be possible, but to me he seemed to have a very good side to him as well as all this other stuff. I then wrote a soppy text, silly me, i may post it later, and he hasn't contacted me. It was soppy as i wanted to tell him how much he meant to me as i didn't tell him during the relationship that i loved him, which i felt but was scared to say. I already miss him an I’m also worried about salsa. I love dancing and not sure if I can bare seeing him pick up other women. I asked and he said he wouldn’t go for a couple of weeks but I’m not sure if he will keep to this. I wish we could speak in person and I do miss him. What do you think guys, is there any hope, what should I do?
Elle1975 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Seems like you have pink glasses on. He's been lying and he's been promiscuous.. so It'd walk away. I don't think there is any hope with someone who doesn't want anything serious with you. I get that you're in love, but that doesn't make a relationship work. You remember the beginning of your love story, I'd concentrate on what you've learned about him during those few months. It's not good news, and you know that.
Author Twinkletwinkle Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Yes, i get what your saying Elle, thx! What i don't get is how he went so quick from adoring me and saying he loves me and thinks of a future to something not serious or friends after a few arguments. I feel like its my fault somehow and i don't want to believe he is a bad person, silly i know, i feel heart broken, parts of him were so right for me
elseaacych Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I feel like its my fault somehow and i don't want to believe he is a bad person, silly i know, i feel heart broken, parts of him were so right for me IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. His choice to break up with you is a reflection on him, and not necessarily on you. So you weren't good enough for him? He, who was emotionally cheating on you with his ex? Really? That suggests he's not good enough FOR YOU. Here's the reality: You ARE good enough. You have wonderful, amazing qualities that caused someone to FALL IN LOVE with you. Love is an amazing, powerful thing. It exists in all of us, and it is up to us to nurture that love: be it for others, or for ourselves. You can't control how other people fall in love or stay in love, but know that to some extent that it is there in everyone. And when you can't direct your love towards someone, it hurts because you know you have so much to give. It takes two people filled with love to have a relationship. So start working on the one person you can control. You. You have qualities that are amazing and have caused people to fall in love with you. You should not judge your desirability based on your ex's choice to break up with you, particularly if he was the one causing the strains in the relationship. You should not feel bad if you are having trouble "moving on". It is not a failure of yours that the relationship ended because of your ex's poor life choices. They chose to cheat. They knew what they were doing. If you think about it, your ex isn't really any better than any other person out there (maybe a little worse, because they are a cheater) But this isn't about your ex, because your ex has nothing to offer you. This is about you. What do you want from a relationship? Love? Affection? Peace? Security? You offered that in your last relationship, so you know you have it within you to express that. What you have now is a great opportunity, you can take all that love you had for your ex, and be enough for yourself. Right now, that is what you have. You can love yourself for as long as you need to, because when you love yourself, you become stronger. Because when you love yourself, and are self confident, it will draw others to you. Some may even fall in love with you because you exhibit wonderful and amazing qualities that make you who you are, and those qualities make you enough. At that point, you may feel comfortable loving again, and you open yourself up to them. To love is to be vulnerable. To learn to love again, yourself and others after being hurt is to be resilient and strong. You have to want to be that, though, and work at it. You are enough. 1
Author Twinkletwinkle Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 And this is my soppy text i sent, i feel so silly, i sent it as i didn't want to regret telling him how i felt as i have often found this hard and in other relationships, how do i undo it, it may seem desperate and like i am not seeing my own worth? I am, have fallen in love with you. I was scared to tel you esp the recent events raising trust issues. You do make me very happy, making me smile and feel so loved. All relationsihps have ups an downs, an have some sad times an part pf love is loving a person when they are at the best of themselves and at the worst of themselves. The truth is, The glow of your eyes, smle, intimacy, sence of humour and your strengh with kindness makes my heart melt. I feel parts of you are my soulmate. I deeply care for you and want the best for you. If this is how you feel its up to you. Its better i know now rather than later although i feel heartbroken. I want to be more than just friends but i will have to think about whether i can be just friends in the future. take care i wish you nothing but love. i mentioned that salsa would be hard as it wil be hard to see ou and with other girls considering i still have strong feelings for you. good night, i will miss you so much
Author Twinkletwinkle Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thank you so much elseaacych for your kind words. He always claimed he did not cheat as he lived with his ex at the end but wasn't together with her when we meet, they just lived together till the lease ran out. And the other girl he said nothing happened, but he did not seem to be telling me the whole truth, so even if he didn't cheat, he was still not telling me everything. Its so hard, i fell for him so much and now i feel like a fool, and i just don't want to think of him badly but i know he is messed up
Author Twinkletwinkle Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 You are enough. That means a lot to me. I need to find a way to build myself up again. when he was not acting up he smothered me wth affection and love and understanding. I missed a lot of this when i was a kid so he made me feel so special. And now he has walked away and i find he was not honest about important things. Its like an addictive drug, craving that love/specialness. I feel like i may never meet someone like this again
elseaacych Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) There are lots of amazing people out there in the world, but you won't be able to see them if you aren't open to seeing them as special and amazing if you keep putting your ex on a pedestal and valuing him more than you. I haven't found anyone like my ex (thank God), or even a new boyfriend, but what I have found after breaking up are several friendships with people who are awesome in their own right. You need to find people who will like you for you, and I guarantee you, having those sort of people in your life is better than having a sucky ex-boyfriend or no boyfriend at all. Have you read the http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide ? It will give you all the steps you need to start moving on, but you absolutely have to want to move on and have to commit to it, because you want to do right by you and live the best life you can. It will be tough for many days and weeks, but if you can stick to your guns and keep going, you will be so much happier in the long run, and by choosing to live life to the fullest you can, you will likely meet someone who is a better match for you, he may be the man of your dreams, but better, because he is real and human. Edited May 23, 2014 by elseaacych
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