saltyfishhead666 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Wonder if I could grab some advice. I've been texting a guy for around 6 months. Met online as friends and it's great. Until recently he expressed some interest in "more" it came as a shock however I'm not opposed to more however I have an issue. WE ARENT RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBLE!!! He is 25 - has a job, no children and wants to see the world, visit hostels, go out drinking and dancing ect. I am 26 - divorced with two children (one has severe special needs the other is a toddler) a full time job and a house. I have pretty much told him I like him, however I grew up far too young and I didn't have the opportunity to do the things he wants to do, and I certainly don't have the opportunity now. I am far too busy with family life and even if I wasn't my eldest can't just jump on a plane because he has autism he's awesome but extremely different. I've expressed that he needs to go and do his thang and then when he's done that he can look to settle with someone a little more settled like me. But it's just not sinking in or he's not listening. I want to find someone solid and stable not someone who wants to run off all over the place. Any ideas on how to convey this without losing the friendship and him hating me? I'm fairly brutally honest and tend to say things exactly how they are. But that seems to be getting me no where
Strength in Healing Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 First off, I commend you as a mother. I was engaged for 4 years to a girl who had a son with autism. She, too, grew up too fast, as she had him when she was 16. However, clearly she didn't have the same willpower you did. She broke up with me, gave temporary custody of her son to her grandma and moved in with a guy. She says she feels these days like "such a bad mom", yet she still lives there with this guy who hit her once and is emotionally abusive, and just goes to visit her son a few days a week. Clearly she is a failure. Aside from all that, everything you said here was right on track. Exactly what you should say/do.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Wonder if I could grab some advice. I've been texting a guy for around 6 months. Met online as friends and it's great. Until recently he expressed some interest in "more" it came as a shock however I'm not opposed to more however I have an issue. WE ARENT RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBLE!!! He is 25 - has a job, no children and wants to see the world, visit hostels, go out drinking and dancing ect. I am 26 - divorced with two children (one has severe special needs the other is a toddler) a full time job and a house. I have pretty much told him I like him, however I grew up far too young and I didn't have the opportunity to do the things he wants to do, and I certainly don't have the opportunity now. I am far too busy with family life and even if I wasn't my eldest can't just jump on a plane because he has autism he's awesome but extremely different. I've expressed that he needs to go and do his thang and then when he's done that he can look to settle with someone a little more settled like me. But it's just not sinking in or he's not listening. I want to find someone solid and stable not someone who wants to run off all over the place. Any ideas on how to convey this without losing the friendship and him hating me? I'm fairly brutally honest and tend to say things exactly how they are. But that seems to be getting me no where When you say its getting you no where, do you mean he is still persistent? Has he discussed the travel and your son, etc.? Whats his take on that? Is he Ok with that and still pursuing you?
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Just stop talking about it. Enjoy the time together with no romantic attachments. be friends & meanwhile date others.
Author saltyfishhead666 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 When you say its getting you no where, do you mean he is still persistent? Has he discussed the travel and your son, etc.? Whats his take on that? Is he Ok with that and still pursuing you? By getting no where I mean he either understands what I am saying and is still persistent or doesn't understand and is still persistent. He asked if in the future it would be possible for my son to be able to do some travelling even though I had explained that I don't know what his future will bring or what he will and won't be able to do and when. I don't know that, no one does. He is still perusing me even after telling him that
Author saltyfishhead666 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Just stop talking about it. Enjoy the time together with no romantic attachments. be friends & meanwhile date others. That's the problem, he doesn't want to date others he wants to date me. But I can't reasonably date someone who is incompatible relationship wise (at least right now) :-/
Valen Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I was in a similar situation but I am the guy in this case. There is this girl that I like who is a single mother. I have no kids and I love to travel. I am of course not the settling down type. But to tell you the truth, I like her a lot but it looks like she push me away because she didn't think I and her are compatible. But in my view, I wanted to try the relationship because I thought that if I had fallen in love with her, I would settle down. So that's why I understand why the guy have a hard time walking away from this. I think he wants to find out if you're worth staying for. At the same time, I don't blame you for putting a stop to this as the girl I like also did. She since move on and I am too.
Omei Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 You told him you liked him so if you're at all being flirtatious in anyway you should stop so it no longer offers him hope if that's not happening and he's truely not getting the msg tell him you need space give him time to forget about you.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 By getting no where I mean he either understands what I am saying and is still persistent or doesn't understand and is still persistent. He asked if in the future it would be possible for my son to be able to do some travelling even though I had explained that I don't know what his future will bring or what he will and won't be able to do and when. I don't know that, no one does. He is still perusing me even after telling him that hmmm... knowing travel may not be an option, knowing about your son and what is all entailed, and he is still chasing you, maybe its because he may end up being ok with those things... ? no?
MissBee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Wonder if I could grab some advice. I've been texting a guy for around 6 months. Met online as friends and it's great. Until recently he expressed some interest in "more" it came as a shock however I'm not opposed to more however I have an issue. WE ARENT RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBLE!!! He is 25 - has a job, no children and wants to see the world, visit hostels, go out drinking and dancing ect. I am 26 - divorced with two children (one has severe special needs the other is a toddler) a full time job and a house. I have pretty much told him I like him, however I grew up far too young and I didn't have the opportunity to do the things he wants to do, and I certainly don't have the opportunity now. I am far too busy with family life and even if I wasn't my eldest can't just jump on a plane because he has autism he's awesome but extremely different. I've expressed that he needs to go and do his thang and then when he's done that he can look to settle with someone a little more settled like me. But it's just not sinking in or he's not listening. I want to find someone solid and stable not someone who wants to run off all over the place. Any ideas on how to convey this without losing the friendship and him hating me? I'm fairly brutally honest and tend to say things exactly how they are. But that seems to be getting me no where You've been honest. You can simply reiterate that. Honesty need not be "brutal", just honest. You're right to feel as you do, it makes sense. What you already told him makes sense. Say it again. Unfortunately, you cannot control if he chooses not to continue the friendship because he has feelings for you. That is his right and makes sense. Many people cannot be friends with someone from whom they want more...it sucks, but that's how it goes. I doubt he will HATE you, as you have done nothing bad to him, you're simply being realistic and looking out for yourself and your children. If he is mature and has any sense he will realize this even if his feelings are a little hurt....if he turns around and HATES you for it, then you should be happy you never got involved and that you aren't friends anymore, as that is completely irrational and immature to hate someone for that.
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