rose88 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Background: I've been "chatting" with a guy for four months now, almost five. We hit it off right off the bat. I am not exaggerating when I say we are similar. It was actually creepy at first how much our personalities were alike and even our life synchronized a bit. We've talked about heavy (really heavy) things. We've talked about "spicy" things. (if you know what I mean) Hopes, dreams etc. etc. He's been hurt in the past with cheating girlfriends. Plus, he is naturally a recluse. I have trust issues because of what I've dealt with in the past and completely opened up to this guy, hoping things would change. Although we dove into this via im, we haven't talked on the phone or via webcam. It's a bit of a mutual decision based on technical issues (my webcam doesn't work and he doesn't have a cell phone due to not having a job right now) The problem (maybe it's a problem?) He will go days without talking to me. Now, I have tried not to be overly attached. I know in the beginning it was different since we were getting to know each other and would talk for hours. I think at this point, we ran out of things to talk about. He said he doesn't like chatting via net and honestly, I don't either. I rather have the person in front of me. But, that's not possible right now. I am digging this guy so much and my mine keeps telling me "maybe he's talking to other girls" (I will see he's online but he won't im me) or some crap. He will go 2-4 days without saying anything. I brought it up once and he said how he gets in reclusive moods and doesn't want to talk to anyone but missed talking. But if I'm a girl he is really digging, why wouldn't I be that one person to cheer him up? when he does talk again, he acts like nothing is wrong and we just leave off where we started. I stopped being the one to initiate the conversations because I felt like I was being too desperate and pushy. we have talked about meeting but haven't set a date yet. Again, it's a mutual thing. I have things I need to get in order first before taking a step like that and he does as well. He always mentions it ("we're going to do this when I come out") and is always flirty. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is this normal for some guys? am I overreacting? I had interactions with one guy who was basically a male version of a girl. he was very sensitive and caring and he was also very clingy so you can see why it's hard to go from that to a guy who seems like he can be cold at times. I talked to my friend and she said her boyfriend (in real life) will do the same thing and that men are weird. I'm all about giving space but it just seems weird to me to not talk daily. Or at least a little message here or there. I guess a fear of mine would be him coming here and being like this. I couldn't deal with that. But maybe that's just how he is online. It is awkward having online relations. I don't know. Trying to see it from his side but also know that I won't take any **** (he's never been a douche)
TMichaels Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I guess a fear of mine would be him coming here and being like this. I couldn't deal with that. You haven't even seen or heard this (supposed) guy *in person* whether that be via Skype, webcam or on the phone and you're worried if he might "go into his cave" if he came for a visit? Honey, that's the least of your problems. You have no idea who this guy really is or for that matter, whether he's a guy at all. "A natural recluse?" What in heck is that? And who gave him that label? Did he or did you? Out of curiosity, how old are you? And, how old does "the natural recluse" purport to be? He doesn't have a cell phone, spends time online -- no, make that spends time on IM and can't be arsed to message you; you don't hear from for several days at a time. You've no plans to get together in person -- just vague promises, and after he's done a runner and you do touch base, he acts like it's no big deal. Does that sound like the behavior of someone/anyone who's seriously "digging" this cool girl he's recently met? Believe me, if any legitimate guy is interested in a girl, he'll move heaven and earth to get closer to her, literally or figuratively. But more importantly, why are you wasting your time with someone like this? You've mentioned other online interactions that were equally unproductive. Why aren't you getting out there and making the effort to date *real* guys in your area instead of settling for potluck and oddballs online? Best, TMichaels 4
ExpatInItaly Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I'm a woman, but I'll chime in. Girl, I think you're being played in a major way. It isn't normal behaviour. 5 months of chatting and you've never even spoken to him? Nor seen what he really looks like? He's clearly hiding something from you. He's either not who he claims to be, or he's married. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He's been hurt in the past with cheating girlfriends. Plus, he is naturally a recluse. I have trust issues because of what I've dealt with in the past and completely opened up to this guy, hoping things would change. This is already a big problem. Both of you have trust issues, and if you two were to ever work out, both of you would need work hard on trusting each other. Going nearly five months just chatting with each other, without at minimum a telephone conversation to hear each other's voice, no Skype, and no solidified plans to meet, does not sound like he (or either of you) is really committed to making it work. At this point, you both are living in a fantasy bubble. So you don't have a functional webcam, he doesn't have a mobile phone, but both of you IM. So this means both of you have computers. So all it really takes is for you to get a functional webcam (they are affordable), and just push the matter with him (assuming he has a functional webcam). If not, I'm sure there are Internet cafes/lounges at your respective areas which you two can synchronize a Skype date. Concerning him acting recluse, being silent for several days at a time, is a clear (but bad) sign of how he most likely will act in person with you. This is a red flag situation. If it is bothering you now, then if you two actually meet and realize he is the same (maybe worse) in person, you will remember back to this particular sign as a bad omen. The other argument would be is he is really not that much into you. He is comfortable with what he has, which is a good friend to talk to. Although you have feelings for him, and feel connected because how long you two have talked, the fact there has not been any Skype sessions, no set plans to meet, you two are just really good modern age pen pals. Honestly, you can ask him why he acts distant with you, and gauge his answer.
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I am also a woman but this doesn't sound like a good prospect. If you enjoy the chats you do have, great. Keep them up but stop emotionally investing in this guy. This is a fantasy & you are being played. There are too many red flags. If you insist on continuing, make the investment on your end to get a new webcam. I'm sure he'll come up with another excuse at that point as to why you can't see him. Be careful.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Sounds like a non starter to me, sorry, it's unusual to go months without not even talking on the phone, it's kind of pointless, might be different if you'd set a date to meet soon, but you both sound vague about it, non committal. Web cams are so cheap these days there's no excuse really, and I thought most people use skype for free, we do, so even if he has no cell phone, you could call each other via skype and do an audio call at least. My partner is a loner or recluse, as he puts it, but he contacts me every day in some form or other without fail. I wouldn't waste any more time on this unless you're happy with just friendship. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Yeah, with others in this. TOO MANY RED FLAGS! Give him your number, arrange a time to talk and have him call you from someone else's phone. His reclusive nature is of concern. He could be very depressed individual. You don't want that in your life. 2
Author rose88 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Honey, that's the least of your problems. You have no idea who this guy really is or for that matter, whether he's a guy at all. True, I only know who he portrays him to be. I do know that he's a guy, lol. We're friends on fb and I've done investigating. I know how to spot a fake profile. "A natural recluse?" What in heck is that? And who gave him that label? Did he or did you? Out of curiosity, how old are you? And, how old does "the natural recluse" purport to be? Introvert. I'm one as well. Although, I'm not one who shuts down and completely withdraws from everyone and sulks about it. "Does that sound like the behavior of someone/anyone who's seriously "digging" this cool girl he's recently met? Believe me, if any legitimate guy is interested in a girl, he'll move heaven and earth to get closer to her, literally or figuratively. That's why I asked this question, because I just don't know. He's not the only man I know who acts like this. It seems like half the male population are clueless who would rather play video games and crap. Then the other half are exactly what you described above. " But more importantly, why are you wasting your time with someone like this? You've mentioned other online interactions that were equally unproductive. Why aren't you getting out there and making the effort to date *real* guys in your area instead of settling for potluck and oddballs online? Other interactions were amazing actually. Otherwise I wouldn't still be talking to him. It's just that we both lead very boring lives.
Author rose88 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I'm a woman, but I'll chime in. Girl, I think you're being played in a major way. It isn't normal behaviour. 5 months of chatting and you've never even spoken to him? Nor seen what he really looks like? He's clearly hiding something from you. He's either not who he claims to be, or he's married. I've seen what he looks like. His facebook page is real. I've investigated it through and through, believe me lol
KathyM Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He could be a catfish. He could be married. He could have all kinds of issues that you are not aware of, since you have such limited contact with him. I know a man who has a serious mental disorder, and spends a lot of his time developing relationships with people online. Actually, I know two men who do this. Online, he presents himself as normal, but IRL, he is very dysfunctional and no one would ever want to be in a relationship with him. You know extremely little about this guy, and he could be telling you all kinds of BS to keep you interested. It's also a concern that he's unemployed and has no phone. He's also a recluse, which makes for a very lonely life if you ever are in a relationship with him. He will be reclusive not just with others, but emotionally distant with you as well. He already is.
Author rose88 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 This is already a big problem. Both of you have trust issues, and if you two were to ever work out, both of you would need work hard on trusting each other. Yes, that would be challenging. So you don't have a functional webcam, he doesn't have a mobile phone, but both of you IM. So this means both of you have computers. So all it really takes is for you to get a functional webcam (they are affordable), and just push the matter with him (assuming he has a functional webcam). If not, I'm sure there are Internet cafes/lounges at your respective areas which you two can synchronize a Skype date. I have no money for things like that, even if it is cheap. I'm financially struggling right now. We both have desk tops so internet café won't work. However, I don't see why talking through Skype hasn't come up. It's basically like a phone call. I should mention that. Concerning him acting recluse, being silent for several days at a time, is a clear (but bad) sign of how he most likely will act in person with you. This is a red flag situation. If it is bothering you now, then if you two actually meet and realize he is the same (maybe worse) in person, you will remember back to this particular sign as a bad omen. The other argument would be is he is really not that much into you. He is comfortable with what he has, which is a good friend to talk to. I never thought about that. His past relationships failed for a reason. Maybe this is his problem? his emotional issues.
Author rose88 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 thank you all for your replies. I think its time to confront him about this and see if it will remain friendly or go to the next level and actually try to make it work. I'm emotionally involved, but not in a intense sense. If it works, it works. If not, it won't. The only reason why I'm staying is because there is potential. huge potential. think I need to have a chat with my friend regarding her bf doing the same thing. 1
TAV Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 If Skype doesn't work you can install Viber on your laptop. My bf has an ancient laptop and it works fine on there. It does not cost anything, it does not require a webcam and you can call via the laptop for free. He could even call you via his laptop on your phone via the Viber app. But then you sound pretty smart and I'm sure you could have figured ways around phone and laptop all by yourself. I know I'm not supposed to but the 'it is a mutual decision' remarks made me laugh. You know you are lying to yourself there, admit it. You are scared to death he ain't all that! If you want to live in a fantasy world that is fine, but don't mix it up with real life then. And, indeed, as some have said here, he may be married or otherwise committed. The recluse thing is weird, to say the least. Sorry to be so judgemental but I feel slightly annoyed by your thread; I did find a great friend online once and we have meanwhile become real life lovers because the moment we became attached to each other online we wanted to meet each other. I think that is very normal unless you have real life reasons/issues not to do so. Will we hear about your confrontation? 1
Author rose88 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 If Skype doesn't work you can install Viber on your laptop. My bf has an ancient laptop and it works fine on there. It does not cost anything, it does not require a webcam and you can call via the laptop for free. He could even call you via his laptop on your phone via the Viber app. But then you sound pretty smart and I'm sure you could have figured ways around phone and laptop all by yourself. I know I'm not supposed to but the 'it is a mutual decision' remarks made me laugh. You know you are lying to yourself there, admit it. You are scared to death he ain't all that! If you want to live in a fantasy world that is fine, but don't mix it up with real life then. And, indeed, as some have said here, he may be married or otherwise committed. The recluse thing is weird, to say the least. Sorry to be so judgemental but I feel slightly annoyed by your thread; I did find a great friend online once and we have meanwhile become real life lovers because the moment we became attached to each other online we wanted to meet each other. I think that is very normal unless you have real life reasons/issues not to do so. Will we hear about your confrontation? Sure you won't be too annoyed by the confrontation? ;-)
littleplanet Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 (edited) A man's perspective. Well, here goes. My spidey sense says he could very well be on the up and up. If he isn't (married, otherwise involved) not only is he not worth your time, but you will probably never have to deal with him in real life (on the phone or otherwise.) Back to up and up: It could be that he's just comfortable with things exactly the way they are. It could be that after 5 months he was inclined to lose interest, and the bloom was off the rose, so to speak - and days could go by where he felt no need to communicate. (Some men sure fantasize about not having to 'communicate' with a woman if they don't want to!) So that's perfect for him. That's the way he uses technology to his best purpose: ignore mode. To quote TMichaels: "Does that sound like the behavior of someone/anyone who's seriously "digging" this cool girl he's recently met? Believe me, if any legitimate guy is interested in a girl, he'll move heaven and earth to get closer to her, literally or figuratively." This says a lot. Either he's lazy or unmotivated, or both. The problem with this medium is that it can so easily make a lot of false promises (or what we seem to take as, or wish for) that just ain't so. That is the human vulnerability behind the keypad. What you need to know you could find out in 5 short little minutes in the real world - but in here, it can scamper away from you like a shy bambi................ forever. He may not be a schmuck so much - as just what he says he is. His non-contact could very well be saying he has no interest in making false promises or following up on any sort of responsibility to you. When you 'hit it off' you did so in a chat mode. That's where it worked (or - seemed to.) That might be the only place it ever does. If he's otherwise involved / committed - then that's what that is. If he's chatting with other women - then he's comfortable with that - and probably making no promises to them, either. - he said he doesn't like chatting on the net. He's actually following up on that rule. - he doesn't have a job. That can sure cool a man's jets. Big time. So there you have it. Kinda nothin' for nothin' .......which is where I'd probably leave it. Glad to be of assistance, ma'am. Edited May 25, 2014 by littleplanet 1
Koans Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 1) You can't feel a person out without talking to them at the least. All that typing shiiiit might go out the window once you face his social personality. Not to mention you dont even know his character and you're fallin for him. That's emotionally immature BS. 2) You know a guy is diggin you when he's clingy. If he's just too chill after 5 months. He has no emotional attachment. Coz that would be so me. It's been happening with me frequently actually. But all these people are real life people. It's the gurls that would be hittin me back when I dont meet their expectation to match the emotional level of our nice conversations the next day. It's coz I also got ***kked over, so I myself, am putting up a wall and just learning from my past mistakes in how to apply myself with gurls. But will always be on the reserved end until the gurl proves me multiple times that shes "the one". 3) I've made plans with gurls and sounded like i digged them. Coz I know now what gurls DO and DONT wanna hear. Keep that in mind. For a guy to be emotionally attached. He has to give up something big. Like a **** load of his time in the midst of his inconvenience. Inconvenience is like something we are trying to recuperate. And thats what at least makes myself know Im investing myself into something meaningful when its to my inconvenience. In conclusion. You're wasting your time. And no connection has really sparked off until you get on the phone with him. AT THE LEAST. 1
Perrier Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 OP, all these replies are saying the same thing. GET HIM ON THE PHONE. I'm amazed after 5 months you have no idea what he sounds like? So how do you know if you like him or not? ATM this fantasy relationship could vanish the moment he goes offline / closes his account. And i always feel ppl who only IM are all about instant gratification. As another poster said, if you're happy with the status quo, fine. If not, either get him to come to the phone, or forget him. But TBH I think you've wasted more than enough time on this one. 1
chados Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 1. He's in desperate need of a girl. But his past is hurting him and he's scared. 2. He's trying to see if you're still interested 3. He's being completely honest You don't know if you have something in comment until you meet in person. You never know what you get. People aren't shy behind a keyboard. And they can seem perfect. Just ask to meet up and see if it works out. First impression can be vital sometimes.
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