Got Breadcrumbed

May 23, 2014

What if she wants to get back together?

If she wanted to get back together, she would have done a hellva lot more than send you a "how are you?" text.

She dumped you, she's starting to feel guilty about hurting you and she wants to see if you hate her for it.

Ignore it. She gave up the right to know how you are.

May 23, 2014

I'm curious, what if she sends an 'I miss you' in hopes of following with a 'I want to get back'...

May 23, 2014

I'm curious, what if she sends an 'I miss you' in hopes of following with a 'I want to get back'...

Personally I'd do as someone else said a while back, reply with "do something about it then" and then never reply.

I know most people would say, stay NC, just breadcrumbs etc. But depending on your ex, many wouldn't just come right out and say "I want to get back with you" because they would put out feelers first.

Sure, maybe they should do more than "put out feelers" but not everyone is the same, no two people do things the same way, there is no standard...

May 23, 2014

Personally I'd do as someone else said a while back, reply with "do something about it then" and then never reply.

I know most people would say, stay NC, just breadcrumbs etc. But depending on your ex, many wouldn't just come right out and say "I want to get back with you" because they would put out feelers first.

Sure, maybe they should do more than "put out feelers" but not everyone is the same, no two people do things the same way, there is no standard...

If they want you back, a simple "how are you" message wont do it. Plan and Simple. Saying "I miss you" is again a passing feeling. Because you miss someone does NOT mean they want to get back with you. If they REALLY REALLY want to get back with you, these simple breadcrumbs wont do it. Think of this way: Most dumpees on here REALLY want their ex back. If she shoe was on the other foot and you had the same feelings of wanting the ex back, would a simple non reply to a "how are you" message stop you??? Hell no it wouldnt. If they feel the same way, they will do WHATEVER it takes to do it. Most dumpers dont...why? Because they are DONE.

There is no "standard", but its all human emotions, which are usually VERY standard. If she is SOOOOO on the fence that she puts a feeler out like "how are you" or "I miss you" and DOES want to get back together, then she damn sure isnt confident in that decision at all.

OP, for the love of GOD, if you tell her I miss you and I'm heartbroken as one suggested, she will go colder than ice. All that "How are you" message is, like Chi said, is to make sure you arent mad at them. Thats it. As soon as a small convo happens, its back to where it always has been.

Edited May 23, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

May 23, 2014

Personally I'd do as someone else said a while back, reply with "do something about it then" and then never reply.

I know most people would say, stay NC, just breadcrumbs etc. But depending on your ex, many wouldn't just come right out and say "I want to get back with you" because they would put out feelers first.

Sure, maybe they should do more than "put out feelers" but not everyone is the same, no two people do things the same way, there is no standard...

Well, tough for them. They were more than bold enough when they decided to break your heart, they can go out on a limb and tell you that they made a mistake. In my experience, both with myself and with others, the ones that are genuine will do that. It's not the dumpee's job to provide a soft landing space for the dumper.

May 23, 2014

Think back to when they loved you, if you got in a fight and weren't taking their calls for a day, they would ring the phone off the hook and send text after text. Now that they threw us away, they need to say more than "hey how are you" or an "I miss you". They know we want them back so they don't even really have to be afraid of rejection in most cases.

Sometimes I get to wondering if my not responding to his "I miss talking to you" message was a bad thing and keeping him away, and then I remember he used to do all of the above for me, if he wanted me he'd come right out and say so.

May 23, 2014

Mhmm, I'll have to disagree. Each situation is different. Sure, in most cases what you three are saying is true, in MOST cases.... but not all.

Every breakup is different and we don't know the reasons for all, applying one answer to ALL situations is a bad way of doing things.

A break up may be semi-mutual, we don't know enough background to say that one side of a relationship wants back more than the other. There will be situations where both parties are unsure or apprehensive.

I'm not saying NC in the majority isn't the right solution, but it is not the ONLY solution depending on circumstance.

People get back together all the time, I think LS has this mentality where they don't, or we assume they don't, this isn't really accurate. Take personal experiences, I've seen loads of couples split, even multiple times and get back together multiple times, even marry. If even up together in 20 years time is another matter... but it DOES happen.

I doubt in every case the dumper was blowing up someone's phone with "I MADE A MISTAKE, I WANT YOU BACK, WAAAAA"

Plenty of times ex's have just physically bumped in to each other again, got chatting and got back together after some more meeting up.

Real world examples being used in my post, not LS disillusion - Let's face it, apart from one or two, most people who come here and hang around here after any length of time are people who haven't got back with ex's... those that have probably don't bother coming back here.

One sided views.

One size does not fit all.

Edited May 23, 2014 by FredJones80

May 23, 2014

Mhmm, I'll have to disagree. Each situation is different. Sure, in most cases what you three are saying is true, in MOST cases.... but not all.

Every breakup is different and we don't know the reasons for all, applying one answer to ALL situations is a bad way of doing things.

A break up may be semi-mutual, we don't know enough background to say that one side of a relationship wants back more than the other. There will be situations where both parties are unsure or apprehensive.

I'm not saying NC in the majority isn't the right solution, but it is not the ONLY solution depending on circumstance.

People get back together all the time, I think LS has this mentality where they don't, or we assume they don't, this isn't really accurate. Take personal experiences, I've seen loads of couples split, even multiple times and get back together multiple times, even marry. If even up together in 20 years time is another matter... but it DOES happen.

I doubt in every case the dumper was blowing up someone's phone with "I MADE A MISTAKE, I WANT YOU BACK, WAAAAA"

Plenty of times ex's have just physically bumped in to each other again, got chatting and got back together after some more meeting up.

Real world examples being used in my post, not LS disillusion - Let's face it, apart from one or two, most people who come here and hang around here after any length of time are people who haven't got back with ex's... those that have probably don't bother coming back here.

One sided views.

One size does not fit all.

Lol if I had a dime for every new user who tries and come on here and spout how "every situation is different" and "no one size fits all" situation, I could retire.

May 23, 2014

Let's face it, apart from one or two, most people who come here and hang around here after any length of time are people who haven't got back with ex's.

May 23, 2014

Let's face it, apart from one or two, most people who come here and hang around here after any length of time are people who haven't got back with ex's.

Not true in the slightest. LOADS of people who have come on here and been here for a while will come back and say they have gotten back with their ex. Try being on here for longer and you'll see it. In addition, loads have gotten back and realized it wasnt what they thought it was, and it ended again.

May 23, 2014

Let's face it, apart from one or two, most people who come here and hang around here after any length of time are people who haven't got back with ex's.

Yeah, that isn't true at all.

May 23, 2014

Depends on the situation. If she dumped you, she is checking to see if you are still around as the fallback.

If she has not totally screwed up things already then this is the only language you respond to if you wanted to get back together:

Hey I made a big mistake and I regret it and I have missed you every day every moment we have been apart. I need to talk to you about restoring your trust in me.

You wont get this so there is your answer, do not respond. Do not be her friend. You have no obligation to be friendly.

May 23, 2014

Not true in the slightest. LOADS of people who have come on here and been here for a while will come back and say they have gotten back with their ex. Try being on here for longer and you'll see it.

Haven't seen anyone in over a month on here who is back with an ex and still back with them regularly posting here.

The one poster I have seen who got back with his ex (Barky) isn't even with the ex he got back with.

It makes sense, why would you continue to post on a forum full of people with lost hope when you have a life to be leading with your ex?

I stick by my resolution, if someone got "i miss you" I would reply with "do something about it" ... if nothing is done, got NC. For me, there would be no harm, for others, maybe.

But obviously, only your way is right ConfusedHumanBeing

As I've said, I agree NC is the best thing in most cases, maybe even 99% ... but it certainly isn't the answer for that minor 1%.

Getting Back Together After a Break Up - Should We Get Back Together - Cosmopolitan

According to new research, almost 50 percent of couples break up, and then get back together again.

If 50% of couples get back together again, why is the number of posters here situations disproportionate to that figure?

Which means the general advice is geared towards the 50% who DON'T get back together.

I AGREE that a dumper SHOULD do all the leg work, moving mountains, singing from the hill tops, flying planes with banners, maybe MOST cases are the same but not ALL cases are the same... even if 0.00001% of cases AREN'T the same, that means not ALL cases are the same.

Do you understand now I've capitalized a few key words?

Edited May 23, 2014 by FredJones80

May 23, 2014

Haven't seen anyone in over a month on here who is back with an ex and still back with them regularly posting here.

The one poster I have seen who got back with his ex (Barky) isn't even with the ex he got back with.

It makes sense, why would you continue to post on a forum full of people with lost hope when you have a life to be leading with your ex?

I stick by my resolution, if someone got "i miss you" I would reply with "do something about it" ... if nothing is done, got NC. For me, there would be no harm, for others, maybe.

But obviously, only your way is right ConfusedHumanBeing

As I've said, I agree NC is the best thing in most cases, maybe even 99% ... but it certainly isn't the answer for that minor 1%.

Getting Back Together After a Break Up - Should We Get Back Together - Cosmopolitan

If 50% of couples get back together again, why is the number of posters here disproportionate to that figure?

Which means the general advice is geared towards the 50% who DON'T get back together.

I AGREE that a dumper SHOULD do all the leg work, moving moutains, singing from the hill tops, flying planes with banners, maybe MOST cases are the same but not ALL cases are the same... even if 0.00001% of cases AREN'T the same, that means not ALL cases are the same.

Do you understand now I've capitalized a few key words?

No reason to be a tool

May 23, 2014

Who said exes don't get back together? I went to two weddings in the past year where it happens. I don't even know what you are ranting about at this point. No one said that every situation was 100 percent either. I mean, are you just bored at work and arguing semantics?

May 23, 2014

And yes Fred, sometimes when a dumper says "I miss you" they might want to work it out. But none of those dumpers, if serious about working out, would stop at "I miss you". They would go the extra mile to make sure that you know they are serious about their intentions. And if you are a dumpee that is still in a fragile place emotionally, you are much better off not responding and weeding out insincere "get back together" messages than jumping on that particular breadcrumb. That's where the OP seems to be, which is why we are phrasing things the way we are.

Now, if you are recovered and want to hear out your ex for s--ts and giggles, then sure, respond if you want. No harm done. But the OP isn't there, which is why you're stance in this particular thread is bizarre to me. It's his thread, not yours.

May 23, 2014

Haven't seen anyone in over a month on here who is back with an ex and still back with them regularly posting here.

The one poster I have seen who got back with his ex (Barky) isn't even with the ex he got back with.

It makes sense, why would you continue to post on a forum full of people with lost hope when you have a life to be leading with your ex?

I stick by my resolution, if someone got "i miss you" I would reply with "do something about it" ... if nothing is done, got NC. For me, there would be no harm, for others, maybe.

But obviously, only your way is right ConfusedHumanBeing

As I've said, I agree NC is the best thing in most cases, maybe even 99% ... but it certainly isn't the answer for that minor 1%.

Getting Back Together After a Break Up - Should We Get Back Together - Cosmopolitan

If 50% of couples get back together again, why is the number of posters here situations disproportionate to that figure?

Which means the general advice is geared towards the 50% who DON'T get back together.

I AGREE that a dumper SHOULD do all the leg work, moving mountains, singing from the hill tops, flying planes with banners, maybe MOST cases are the same but not ALL cases are the same... even if 0.00001% of cases AREN'T the same, that means not ALL cases are the same.

Do you understand now I've capitalized a few key words?

I dont feel like arguing with you about any of this because its not really worth it, but the bolded part I do want to address. My ex came back too. I didnt want it back and am now with a new girl who I've been with for about 7 or 8 months who is MUCH better than my ex and I'm living a great life right now.

I come on here to help people with issues because I know how much it sucked. Breakups suck. Same thing with many of the longer users on here (Simon, Tara, Chi, Bark, Cav, Ken, etc). They are not here because they have no hope and like to wallow in others pity. They are here to help. Thats the point of this.

And btw, that study you gave is a small sample of ages 17-24. Of course people around those ages go back and forth. I went back and forth with ex's duing that time too. We got together, broke up, had sex, broke up again, dated around, came back again, etc. It's called being stupid and a kid. I had a huge group of people I knew who did the same thing. I wish I didnt have to go through all that crap. Granted, a lot of new users are having issues with those age groups.....so again, from people who have experience in that and lived those times as well, its all pretty basic.

Sorry, I'm getting off topic OP. Dont read into the text too much. Just keep moving forward.

May 23, 2014

Well this thread got over board.

Thanks for your input though. I appreciate it very much. I do sense of us getting back together for some reason, or if its tied to the desire taht I have of getting back together.

But I have to say that its really on her, not me. In a sense where she has to do more leg work. A simple "How are you" isn't enough. Even if she does want to get back together by initiating that text, it just shows how undetermined she is.

We already broke up twice, the last one via text. How nice of her. She didn't want to meet in person after, told me that this isn't what her heart wants (us being together) and stated that its not a good idea to be talking to each other and to give each other space and to not to be friends. I guess she moved on quick than I, or her mind changes more than a weather vane.

May 23, 2014

Well this thread got over board.
Thanks for your input though. I appreciate it very much. I do sense of us getting back together for some reason, or if its tied to the desire taht I have of getting back together.

But I have to say that its really on her, not me. In a sense where she has to do more leg work. A simple "How are you" isn't enough. Even if she does want to get back together by initiating that text, it just shows how undetermined she is.

We already broke up twice, the last one via text. How nice of her. She didn't want to meet in person after, told me that this isn't what her heart wants (us being together) and stated that its not a good idea to be talking to each other and to give each other space and to not to be friends. I guess she moved on quick than I, or her mind changes more than a weather vane.

If your third paragraph is right (where you guys broke up twice) and everything she is saying now, my question is why do you REALLY want to be with someone like that? You seem to have a pretty decent grasp on thing for the MOST part, but I feel like she is going to keep playing this hot-cold game with you for awhile, even if you get back together or not. To me, it just seems SO consuming that its going to keep happening.

Either way, what you said is right. I'd let it slide.

May 24, 2014

Mhmm, I'll have to disagree. Each situation is different. Sure, in most cases what you three are saying is true, in MOST cases.... but not all.

Every breakup is different and we don't know the reasons for all, applying one answer to ALL situations is a bad way of doing things.

Each situation is unique, but we behave, almost to an uncanny degree, in similar ways after breakups. I've been here over a year, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen a thread started just like this one. Heck, it happened to me. These situations play to script 99% of the time.

All of our situations are different, but the underlying behavior remains the same. I was one of the real hard heads when I came here, and I truly did believe my situation was special. After going through this process for the past year and taking loads of good advice from LS, I can tell you that NC is, without question, the way to go. I would not respond at all to that message, and I would block and delete the dumper from the phone. A year ago, I would not have said that, but I'm wiser now.

May 24, 2014

I agree with a dumper moving mountains, but does that mean that they're going to blast open your doors after x amount of months of not speaking? No, it's more often than not going to be a gradual process.

I imagine a text would start just like that - "How are you, I miss you" etc. They're testing the waters to see what kind of head space you're in and if it's a positive one - that's when the mountains would be moved.

I know NC is a method of self healing but those who would want to have a second chance with someone is going to have to break it, point blank.

May 24, 2014

I agree with a dumper moving mountains, but does that mean that they're going to blast open your doors after x amount of months of not speaking? No, it's more often than not going to be a gradual process.

I imagine a text would start just like that - "How are you, I miss you" etc. They're testing the waters to see what kind of head space you're in and if it's a positive one - that's when the mountains would be moved.

I know NC is a method of self healing but those who would want to have a second chance with someone is going to have to break it, point blank.

In general or my situation? I think I laid out why I shouldn't message her back. 'I miss you' or 'can we talk?' is a bit better. She msged me at midnight as well, so she must have been bored or lonely. She knows that she hurt me and broke my heart. The least she can do is show some effort if anything. But she's not.

May 24, 2014

In general or my situation? I think I laid out why I shouldn't message her back. 'I miss you' or 'can we talk?' is a bit better. She msged me at midnight as well, so she must have been bored or lonely. She knows that she hurt me and broke my heart. The least she can do is show some effort if anything. But she's not.

This was more of a general reply since this whole thread became something else. You have to go with your gut feeling and if you don't think you're getting the respect you deserve then maintaining NC is the way to go.

May 24, 2014

I agree with a dumper moving mountains, but does that mean that they're going to blast open your doors after x amount of months of not speaking? No, it's more often than not going to be a gradual process.

I imagine a text would start just like that - "How are you, I miss you" etc. They're testing the waters to see what kind of head space you're in and if it's a positive one - that's when the mountains would be moved.

I know NC is a method of self healing but those who would want to have a second chance with someone is going to have to break it, point blank.

And if that one "testing the waters" text going unanswered is going to cause the dumper to give up, then how genuine were they really in their desire to reconcile?

May 24, 2014

And if that one "testing the waters" text going unanswered is going to cause the dumper to give up, then how genuine were they really in their desire to reconcile?

I'm not denying that but at the same time if there's no response they might take that as a hint to stop reaching out. At the end of the day you never know for sure and that's the only point I'm trying to make.

Like Fred said, 99% of the time NC is the way to go but the same thing doesn't apply to every single relationship.

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