No Contact Journal

[AnyaNova]

For those of you who have been here awhile, I tend to have a problem, particularly when nutritionally crashing (long story involving gluten intolerance, increased permeability and absorption issues, and hopefully my treatment will start exceedingly soon, if there aren't any new food allergies), of contacting my ex.

 

So what I am going to try and do here (I do have ADD so I might not get in every day)...is to keep track of every day that I keep no contact, and make myself publicly admit every single breakage. After making a public declaration.

 

Though I do wish we could be friends, its not happening. And so.

 

I will never contact my ex again.

 

To this end

1) I have reblocked him on facebook.

2) I will come post a list in 24 hours of alternate things I could do when...

3) I will post daily how long I have made it no contact.

[AnyaNova]

May 22nd--I have now made it to 8 days. After I found out that he had moved, I sent him one foolish, idiotic, facepalm inducing message just asking him to at least let me know that he was ok.

 

Also, I forgot to add that I need to find out what the Hell is wearing Tim's face in my head. Whether its all the kids who bullied me when I was young and all the approval I wanted from them? Or the approval I wanted for so long from my abusive ex when I was a teenager? Or Something?

 

I'll find it, rip it off, and deal with it, because he lost any right to be in my head months ago when he chose to not give a **** how badly his leaving so close to the death of my friend would scar me.

 

True story and it is time for it to be the freaking end of story.

[greenbee81]

Good idea.

 

Today I blocked all her emails and numbers. I was going to change number but it costs money for me, and blocking works just as fine.

 

Almost a week for me.

[mangetout]

Anya I will join you. Day three for me

[AnyaNova]

Day 10.

 

Feeling a little better now.

[L1ght]

Day 10.

 

Feeling a little better now.

Keep it up. No peeking, no seeking, ignore the urge to look at anything related to him. You will get stronger and at some point you will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

10 days? Good job. Keep on rocking.

[Omei]

AnyaNova

 

I am concerned is this NC post about the breakup you had nearly a year ago?

 

Have you really still been contacting him through this time till 10days ago?

 

If so that makes me worry perhaps you should see someone it seems you're having extreme difficulty moving on.

[L1ght]

AnyaNova

 

I am concerned is this NC post about the breakup you had nearly a year ago?

 

Have you really still been contacting him through this time till 10days ago?

 

If so that makes me worry perhaps you should see someone it seems you're having extreme difficulty moving on.

I think no contact includes checking social media and stuff.....its amazing how just checking facebook can set a person backwards. Been there, done it myself. No contact means zero looking at anything regarding the ex and perhaps you can include thinking about them as well. Some people don't try hard enough to stop thinking about them. That is the only way to truly heal.

Edited May 25, 2014 by L1ght

[7yearsbroken]

I too have add. I too am dealing with loss.. I just broke NC too.

 

She left me having GIGs after treating me terribly, bullied me too.. But even now I still love her.

 

This is hard and I don't know how. But we still have to try.

I will come to understand the true benefits to NC once I stick to it..

I know it's supposed to create the best YOU, and attract someone new, or maybe your ex back.

Sadly even though I know I deserve someone who won't hurt me the way she has, I feel like she might change for the better in time, and just attribute our problems to her being away from me in college for a year.

 

See, breaking no contact makes you a bit delusional. It reopenes your wounds. Stick to it and move on. God this hurts so bad, all over again.

[AnyaNova]

AnyaNova

 

I am concerned is this NC post about the breakup you had nearly a year ago?

 

Have you really still been contacting him through this time till 10days ago?

 

If so that makes me worry perhaps you should see someone it seems you're having extreme difficulty moving on.

 

Yes and no. The health issues causes my mood to crash, and also causes fun things like cognitive impairment due to things like oxygenated blood cells being scarcer, and important brain chemicals and such.

 

 

And for some reason, my doped out brain fixates on the ex.

 

Now that I am out of the crash again I'm fine about the whole thing again. the trick is now, is that I can't let myself initiate any sort of contact, facebook, or anything at all when I'm crashing (which according to my doctor, we'll meet on the 3rd to go over all the test results) and then hopefully thank God, we'll be able to start treatment and not wait two months for the damage to heal if there is a new food sensitivity). Because it probably will happen again before the treatment kicks in (apparently the problem is quite treatable once the treatment starts).

 

It is so bizarre how I can be totally focused on the future and the dude I'd like to date, and the dudes I would think about if he doesn't, and my schooling and what happens if my health issue means that I can't' finish the program here (work for a year and then see about another program, or see if with doctor's clearance, here will give me one more chance), and how no matter what happens, I'll be able to be happy and adjust and have my health. When I have enough nutrients fueling my brain.

 

Or how I become an alternately bitchy and then weepy/whiny ex focused dishrag on the floor when my brain and body are nutritionally deprived.

 

So, I think probably what I need is less counseling, and more very specific, concrete, and planned out plans for things I can do to keep myself from contacting my ex when I crash and my brain begins to fixate (experiments have shown guitar, colored pencils, and some video games to be highly effective--piano, books, television not so much).

[AnyaNova]

I too have add. I too am dealing with loss.. I just broke NC too.

 

She left me having GIGs after treating me terribly, bullied me too.. But even now I still love her.

 

This is hard and I don't know how. But we still have to try.

I will come to understand the true benefits to NC once I stick to it..

I know it's supposed to create the best YOU, and attract someone new, or maybe your ex back.

Sadly even though I know I deserve someone who won't hurt me the way she has, I feel like she might change for the better in time, and just attribute our problems to her being away from me in college for a year.

 

See, breaking no contact makes you a bit delusional. It reopenes your wounds. Stick to it and move on. God this hurts so bad, all over again.

 

As I have mentioned, the symptoms of frontal temporal dementia closely match the cognitive, communication, emotional, and physical symptoms I get when my nutritional levels of several different things go out--one of which includes fixations.

 

So yeah. Come back to us in about fifty years or so (how old are you?) after you've had a go around with some frontal temporal lobe dementia while in the nursing home and tell us how you well you did avoiding the thoughts of your fixation object, and how you have proven that I just wasn't trying hard enough.

[AnyaNova]

I too have add. I too am dealing with loss.. I just broke NC too.

 

She left me having GIGs after treating me terribly, bullied me too.. But even now I still love her.

 

This is hard and I don't know how. But we still have to try.

I will come to understand the true benefits to NC once I stick to it..

I know it's supposed to create the best YOU, and attract someone new, or maybe your ex back.

Sadly even though I know I deserve someone who won't hurt me the way she has, I feel like she might change for the better in time, and just attribute our problems to her being away from me in college for a year.

 

See, breaking no contact makes you a bit delusional. It reopenes your wounds. Stick to it and move on. God this hurts so bad, all over again.

 

Agreed. Avoid no contact like the plague. The worst thing is when I'm pulling back out of the crash and have a couple days of rawness again due to breaking contact.

 

But here I am now. Fully focused on the future and my life, my instruments, my art, and my career I'm trying to get off the ground, and yes, hopefully a new dude.

 

It is a very odd confluence of the biopsychosocial model, a breakup, and malabsorption issues.

[learning_slowly]

It gets tough for us all sometimes. I thought I was fully over it and so joined face book for fun and then got a notification she was out with one of our mutual friends. Knocked me - took a few days to get her out of my head again. And I could not do any of my positive things during that time.

 

Getting back to normal now. But definitely keep the block up.

 

Its weird though, because if they asked to get back together, would you?

 

I thought about it and am 90% sure I would say no. So I'm not sure whythe brain still tries to think about them?

[BC1980]

Yes and no. The health issues causes my mood to crash, and also causes fun things like cognitive impairment due to things like oxygenated blood cells being scarcer, and important brain chemicals and such.

 

 

And for some reason, my doped out brain fixates on the ex.

 

Now that I am out of the crash again I'm fine about the whole thing again. the trick is now, is that I can't let myself initiate any sort of contact, facebook, or anything at all when I'm crashing (which according to my doctor, we'll meet on the 3rd to go over all the test results) and then hopefully thank God, we'll be able to start treatment and not wait two months for the damage to heal if there is a new food sensitivity). Because it probably will happen again before the treatment kicks in (apparently the problem is quite treatable once the treatment starts).

 

It is so bizarre how I can be totally focused on the future and the dude I'd like to date, and the dudes I would think about if he doesn't, and my schooling and what happens if my health issue means that I can't' finish the program here (work for a year and then see about another program, or see if with doctor's clearance, here will give me one more chance), and how no matter what happens, I'll be able to be happy and adjust and have my health. When I have enough nutrients fueling my brain.

 

Or how I become an alternately bitchy and then weepy/whiny ex focused dishrag on the floor when my brain and body are nutritionally deprived.

 

So, I think probably what I need is less counseling, and more very specific, concrete, and planned out plans for things I can do to keep myself from contacting my ex when I crash and my brain begins to fixate (experiments have shown guitar, colored pencils, and some video games to be highly effective--piano, books, television not so much).

 

To be honest, your moods and actions sound exactly like what I used to do at the beginning of NC. Days of being great followed by deep depression. Constant fixating on my ex. I think the nutritional crashes probably exacerbate what you would already be doing. Same thing with depression. It's going to exacerbate the awfulness of breaking up.

 

Anyway, keep sticking to NC. Breaking it allows you to stay in denial.

[AnyaNova]

To be honest, your moods and actions sound exactly like what I used to do at the beginning of NC. Days of being great followed by deep depression. Constant fixating on my ex. I think the nutritional crashes probably exacerbate what you would already be doing. Same thing with depression. It's going to exacerbate the awfulness of breaking up.

 

Anyway, keep sticking to NC. Breaking it allows you to stay in denial.

 

I highly doubt those were accompanied by muscle spasms, cramps, sharp stabbing pains, occasional jaundice, numbness, tingling, dehydration, severe headaches, and other physical symptoms that vary depending on what I'm low on.

 

But I plan on keeping NC. If nothing else, ill he finally respecting his wishes and helping my own healing during the crashes.

[BC1980]

I highly doubt those were accompanied by muscle spasms, cramps, sharp stabbing pains, occasional jaundice, numbness, tingling, dehydration, severe headaches, and other physical symptoms that vary depending on what I'm low on.

 

But I plan on keeping NC. If nothing else, ill he finally respecting his wishes and helping my own healing during the crashes.

 

No, none of the above physical symptoms. Of course, any deep emotional pain can manifest as physical symptoms. I did have nausea in the shock phase and could not eat. I'm not sure why a physical symptom would cause you to break NC.

 

Anyway, this is your thread for NC, so I will leave it be and support your NC. Truly, we all want you to get through this, and I don't think that minimizing your nutritional crashes is the supportive way to do it. I wasn't trying to deny anything you feel during those times, simply pointing out that it probably exacerbates what virtually everyone does after a breakup. I went through depression in college, and I still wonder if that made my breakup worse. Even though it was over 10 years ago. I still wonder if I have those depressive tendencies.

[AnyaNova]

No, none of the above physical symptoms. Of course, any deep emotional pain can manifest as physical symptoms. I did have nausea in the shock phase and could not eat. I'm not sure why a physical symptom would cause you to break NC.

 

Anyway, this is your thread for NC, so I will leave it be and support your NC. Truly, we all want you to get through this, and I don't think that minimizing your nutritional crashes is the supportive way to do it. I wasn't trying to deny anything you feel during those times, simply pointing out that it probably exacerbates what virtually everyone does after a breakup. I went through depression in college, and I still wonder if that made my breakup worse. Even though it was over 10 years ago. I still wonder if I have those depressive tendencies.

 

Apologies if I misunderstood. Some people have, and yes that is exactly what it does.

 

The physical symptoms lead to the mental symptoms, the fixation, and the loss of impulse control and then I break nc.

 

But I need to find a way not to, even when. And that is what I'm trying to do now.

 

It is hard to say. Thank you, btw, for that recommendation. I am reading a lot now and getting much from it. :-)

[AnyaNova]

Apologies 7yearsbroken,

 

I was trying to Reply to alight and must have hit yours accidentally!

 

I'm sorry for what you are going brough!

[L1ght]

Agreed. Avoid no contact like the plague. The worst thing is when I'm pulling back out of the crash and have a couple days of rawness again due to breaking contact.

 

But here I am now. Fully focused on the future and my life, my instruments, my art, and my career I'm trying to get off the ground, and yes, hopefully a new dude.

 

It is a very odd confluence of the biopsychosocial model, a breakup, and malabsorption issues.

 

That sounds more like it. That is the mindset you have to maintain "Fully focused on the future and my life, my instruments, my art, and my career I'm trying to get off the ground, and yes, hopefully a new dude."

Yep you're nailing it with that attitude. Hold on to it and you wont believe how quickly you start to heal.

Good job Anya.

[AnyaNova]

That sounds more like it. That is the mindset you have to maintain "Fully focused on the future and my life, my instruments, my art, and my career I'm trying to get off the ground, and yes, hopefully a new dude."

Yep you're nailing it with that attitude. Hold on to it and you wont believe how quickly you start to heal.

Good job Anya.

 

Yeah. Unfortunately hopeful new dude turned out to be rather lacking in a sense of humor, when the humor wasn't coming from him.

 

But there are a couple of other prospects I'm working on. Because I know that I want to date this summer. Maybe nothing serious, but at least build up enough of an emotional connection for a little kissing and cuddling and mutual appreciation. And if I'm lucky, perhaps a new relationship.

 

but yeah.

 

I will probably end up tonight later backsliding into thinking of the ex a little. It is hard not to since a friend of mine just broke up from a four year relationship. It is hard not to remember and to contemplate the difference between where I was and where I am now.

 

I hope he is okay!

[L1ght]

Yeah. Unfortunately hopeful new dude turned out to be rather lacking in a sense of humor, when the humor wasn't coming from him.

 

But there are a couple of other prospects I'm working on. Because I know that I want to date this summer. Maybe nothing serious, but at least build up enough of an emotional connection for a little kissing and cuddling and mutual appreciation. And if I'm lucky, perhaps a new relationship.

 

but yeah.

 

I will probably end up tonight later backsliding into thinking of the ex a little. It is hard not to since a friend of mine just broke up from a four year relationship. It is hard not to remember and to contemplate the difference between where I was and where I am now.

 

I hope he is okay!

 

Thats all good. I think you have a choice though for tonight. Yes its a nice gesture for your friend that you want to spend some of your own time thinking about their situation which you can do.....but its also possible for you to dream about this summer and the new emotional connections that you would like to make.

Turn it into a positive, you are on the right track, you clearly want to be happy so be kind to yourself and do that......let yourself dream at least a little.

Be kind to yourself, thats what its all about.