mid30slady Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 hi all, I need some advice. I am currently caught constantly hanging out with my ex-boyfriend ever since we broke up. I was an instructor in the gym that he frequents and attended my classes. that's where we first met. we went out for 3.5months. we both thought it was going to last, but it didn't (obviously, now that we have broken up). we still hang out almost every weekend. be it movies, be it drinking, be it dinners. anything a couple does, but we are not. on one occasion, after we broke up, when he was drunk, he told me he loves me. yet, we should just go with the flow and don't think about where this is leading yet.... just yesterday, knowing that i will be on off from work, he invited me to have lunch with his parents. and i went. we spent a day hanging out with each other and it was kinda nice, but confused. now we are hanging out with one and another almost every weekend. and there is a trip coming in just about 3 weeks. i am in dilemma that i should go or not to go? is there something that i don't see it happening? please advise.
soccerrprp Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He's grooming you for a FWB is my thought. Don't make too much of his inviting you to have lunch with his parents. Have you kissed? You say "like" couples, but not...do you have sex? I wouldn't go on the trip. How long ago did you two break-up? Why? 3
Strength in Healing Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I am the worlds strongest advocate of if you broke up, DON'T BREAK NC. 1
me85 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 STOP. STOP. STOP. Me and my ex did this for months after BU and ya he came back but changed his mind again and very quickly got into RSs with other girls. Ya, RUN! Everyone loves cake! Do not do these things as just his "friend" because it's not what you truly want, is it? So make him make up his mind and if he can't then tell him you can't talk to him until he does. My ex and I BU 10 months ago and I am just NOW to the point of officially being done with him and all his indecision aka BS. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Yeah, you are playing with fire and you're about to get burned if you continue this song and dance. Please stop doing this. 4
Zahara Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He's enjoying all the benefits a relationship provides without having to be in a relationship. You're on your way to possibly becoming a friend with some benefits. 5
Author mid30slady Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 soccerrprp, we broke up about 2 months now. yeah we kissed. we did all the thing except for sex when we were dating, just no sex. surprise, count me in. but there was sex after we bu! the reason we broke up was because at the point of BU he was already pushing me away for unknown reason. i didn't know exactly why. the BU was called on my side. as we were hanging out after the BU, he mentioned once that he didn't feel like a man when we were dating. i am constantly "mothering" him and that gave him pressure. that's why he was pulling away, pushing me away because he rather have me dumb him then him dumbing me, so we can still be friends after which we are now. in between the months of the BU and hanging out, he wanted to try again but he wasn't confident enough (of me or himself, not sure)...that in term of career, i am ahead of him. *speechless* i have no idea what the hell he wants. patiently waiting, that is all i can say.
writergal Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) It seems like your relationship is based on manipulation. Everyone who's warned you about your ex-boyfriend is right. He's using you. And you're allowing it. It seems like you are an emotional caretaker the way you cater to your ex-boyfriend (the emotional manipulator)'s wants and needs; meeting up with him every weekend, having sex with him (aka friend with benefits role), and possibly go on a trip together. Do you think about how much of yourself you're giving up for him right now? You're broken up. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Therefore he has no right to expect you to fulfill his needs the way that a girlfriend in a relationship can. Is there a balance of give and take between you two right now? The only way out of your situation as I see it, is to stop seeing your ex-boyfriend every weekend and instead value your own wants and needs instead of his. Don't go on that trip with him unless you are okay with being his cake on the side, his friend with benefits. If you want to wait patiently for him to come around, just recognize the relationship limbo you place yourself in by doing that. He's still manipulating you too, if you choose to wait around for him until he decides he wants you. You will still be at his beck and call if you wait around for him. As a result, you will miss opportunities to date men who treat you with respect and who know what they want and don't play mind games with you. Don't make it only about what he wants. What do want? That's the most important question you should ask yourself right now. Forget about him. Think about yourself. Put yourself first. Always. Edited May 23, 2014 by writergal 2
Author mid30slady Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 hi writergal, thank you very much for your advise. i am seeing the signs. i know i am playing with fire. why is it so hard to break away? i was once divorced. i am so scared to put a break to another bad relationship. argh! totally frustrated with myself. i can focus on all areas of my life but not with him. why do i give in so much to him? i want a man that can treat me right. i want a man that i can put my trust on. why oh why is that so hard to do. so helpless. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He is the devil you know. Even though you are broken up he's still familiar & it's still easier then putting yourself out there again to meet new people. I'd gradually lessen the time you spend together & even join a new gym if that is an option.
writergal Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 The reason it feels hard to break away from your ex-boyfriend is that he has emotionally manipulated you to the point where you have put your own needs second to his. He has convinced you that it's okay to meet his needs but not yours. I know it's scary to break away from yet another relationship after your divorce. The silver lining is that you get to be available for a man who won't emotionally manipulate you; a man who is ready for a relationship; a man who knows what he wants for himself, who doesn't make you feel guilty for being successful or being happy; a man whose needs don't come before yours - you both contribute equally to the relationship. And no, you don't have to be helpless in your situation, which looks like: you patiently wait in the background while your flakey ex-boyfriend plays mind games with you, and monopolizes your time away from your own social life and interests to be with him, without making a commitment to you as your boyfriend. Basically, you never get your needs met because he knows you will be available for him. Be strong and let him know that you're not comfortable with the current arrangement. Tell him what you want/don't want and if he doesn't like it too bad, just walk away. You only dated for a short period so consider yourself lucky that you didn't waste years on this guy. You can do better. And you will next time. hi writergal, thank you very much for your advise. i am seeing the signs. i know i am playing with fire. why is it so hard to break away? i was once divorced. i am so scared to put a break to another bad relationship. argh! totally frustrated with myself. i can focus on all areas of my life but not with him. why do i give in so much to him? i want a man that can treat me right. i want a man that i can put my trust on. why oh why is that so hard to do. so helpless. 1
me85 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 It IS very hard to break away. I stand just as guilty. I've only had the strength to REALLY close the door very recently after almost a year of so much heartache. I feel so hurt still. Like I wasn't really ready to close the door but knew I had to because this has gone on for far too long and the reason I still feel loss and sadness is because we have kept in touch with one another consistently all this time. So it is a constant reminder to me that he only wants to keep me at arm's length. Be glad you aren't as foolish as me. My ex has been with someone else for the past 6 months and I have STILL been talking to him! I was doing good for the longest. Not buying into his BS or responding to the false hope he was feeding me but then I had a moment... Something bad happened that had nothing to do with him and foolishly saught him out for comfort but when I needed him he was not really there for me, yet again. He did call to talk to me and make sure it wasn't the worst, which meant a lot to me. I know he cares for me but HE DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH. It certainly took me long enough and enough rejection but I finally finally get it. He just used me. Period. Point blank. He is no good for me and never ever will be. Our time came and went and it's been over. Shame on me for not accepting it. It's only been because of my damn ego, really. I have NEVER EVER kept in touch with an ex after a BU before. Now I know I can never do it. Especially if I still have feelings for them. Heck, I can't be friends even if I am over them. What's the point? Wish them well and move on. My heart goes out to you. Keep us updated with your progress! I am pretty depressed right now but only 30% of it is ex related. lol HUGZ!
writergal Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 me85 you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Much stronger. Please don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes where dating and relationships are concerned. Ego can be to blame for pretty much everything in our lives, I think. When we date with our ego, instead of our heart, that's when we get ourselves into trouble I think. Is there an easy answer? Nope. Trying to find that balance between the ego and the heart is the tricky part where forming attachments is concerned. I sure as hell haven't mastered it yet. But I keep trying. I keep trying. That's all any of us can do really: keep trying until you get it right. It IS very hard to break away. I stand just as guilty. I've only had the strength to REALLY close the door very recently after almost a year of so much heartache. I feel so hurt still. Like I wasn't really ready to close the door but knew I had to because this has gone on for far too long and the reason I still feel loss and sadness is because we have kept in touch with one another consistently all this time. So it is a constant reminder to me that he only wants to keep me at arm's length. Be glad you aren't as foolish as me. My ex has been with someone else for the past 6 months and I have STILL been talking to him! I was doing good for the longest. Not buying into his BS or responding to the false hope he was feeding me but then I had a moment... Something bad happened that had nothing to do with him and foolishly saught him out for comfort but when I needed him he was not really there for me, yet again. He did call to talk to me and make sure it wasn't the worst, which meant a lot to me. I know he cares for me but HE DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH. It certainly took me long enough and enough rejection but I finally finally get it. He just used me. Period. Point blank. He is no good for me and never ever will be. Our time came and went and it's been over. Shame on me for not accepting it. It's only been because of my damn ego, really. I have NEVER EVER kept in touch with an ex after a BU before. Now I know I can never do it. Especially if I still have feelings for them. Heck, I can't be friends even if I am over them. What's the point? Wish them well and move on. My heart goes out to you. Keep us updated with your progress! I am pretty depressed right now but only 30% of it is ex related. lol HUGZ!
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