yxalitis Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 She's great, I love her dearly, we get along amazingly well, etc etc. but she has never said the magic three words. We are serious, moving in together was her idea, she talks about "life partners" but when I ask her to tell em her feelings, I just get variations of "I really care for you deeply" She was in China visiting family for a couple of months, and got drunk at karaoke one night. I got a huge number of drunken voice messages, all along the lines of "I miss you, I miss you" and "Don't ever let me go" some quite emotional. But when I mentioned that to her after, I just got "Oh, I was drunk" She DOES have a lot of bad things going on in her life, and a really REALLY awful history of relationships, and she often says she is a "traditional Chinese" person, who finds it hard to talk openly about feelings. I asked her pointedly one day, after the living-together discussion, "Do you love me?" "I'm not sure" was all I got. Should I be worried?
Assasda Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I've gotten in trouble for calling people needy on the forum. I NEED to come up with another word for it
kaylan Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Youre the provider if she settles down with you in my opinion. So shes traditional...but has a history of bad relationships...and cant express deep feelings for you though its been a year since youve been together? Find a woman who loves you and has great chemistry with you. It doesnt take a year bro...at least I surely think it doesnt. If I was dating a girl for a few months and couldnt see myself loving her thats bad....but if I made it to one year, then shes definitely not someone who gives me feelings of love and passion. Like I said....sounds like youre set up to be the provider for this traditional girl...and shes wishy washy about you. Why would you want to be with someone who cant decide how they feel about you after one year, and also has a lot of bad things going on in their life? What do you gain from moving in with such a woman?
Dudette Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I am echoing what Kaylan said. She is settling. I have a few Asian friends and in their culture as you advance toward your late 20s and you have not settled it's shameful. She probably had a lot of pressure to settle from her family while on that trip back home. Many will have loveless marriages to escape single-hood and save appearances. 2
soccerrprp Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I asked her pointedly one day, after the living-together discussion, "Do you love me?" "I'm not sure" was all I got. Should I be worried? Yeah, I would be worried. I don't know much about Chinese culture, etc. but would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Her "I'm not sure" is tantamount to saying NO. 1
KatZee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I asked her pointedly one day, after the living-together discussion, "Do you love me?" "I'm not sure" was all I got. Should I be worried? Yup. You should be worried. This woman is not in love with you. You can make all the excuses in the world, she's had bad relationships, she's not good expressing her feelings, blah blah blah. At the end of the day? She's not in love with you. She may care for you. She may like you. But she doesn't feel that LOVE for you. I dated someone for about a year and a half in the past and I never told him I loved him. Even after he told me. Even after we were living together. I literally COULDN'T say it. I couldn't say something that I didn't mean, and that wasn't real. So I gave him the same run around excuses. I'm bad with emotions. I've had bad relationships. But it was all BS. I just never felt that love for him. Sure we got along. We had fun together. But at the end of the day, I saw him more like a brother figure. I had no passion for him. I didn't feel any romance, I didn't even desire him physically. How is your physical relationship? In my case, I really never even wanted to be intimate. And when we did, it wasn't loving or passionate or anything, it just was. There was no kissing, I couldn't even tolerate holding his hand. It felt awkward. Eventually I just had to break up with him. I stayed as long as I did because he tried so hard and I didn't really have any legit reason to end it. I thought if I stuck it out that maybe the loving feeling would grow over time. Before I knew it, over a year had passed and I felt nothing but resentment towards him. Resentment because he was doing the same thing you're doing to her: "Do you love me?" "Are you in love with me?" Just complaining about the lack of emotion and the fact I could never say I loved him. He was justified of course, but from my end, I was very resentful. You really need to re-evaluate why you stay with this woman. My ex stayed with me too. I assume it's because he loved me so much and hoped that I would love him back one day, I assume it's because he was too scared to be alone, or because he had low self esteem. You deserve someone who's going to be head over heels in love with you, not this lukewarm, settling BS. Life's way too short to settle for mediocre. You're not going to ever get from this woman, what you give. Oh and for reference, after I finally left this guy, I got into a new relationship very soon thereafter. It was easy to transition because I had never been in love in the first place. I couldn't tell that guy I loved him after a year and a half to two years... I told the new guy I loved him after 3 months, and I had no issues doing so. I wasn't "bad emotionally" or making excuses that I had poor relationships. I felt it, I said it.
Author yxalitis Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Yup. You should be worried. This woman is not in love with you. You can make all the excuses in the world, she's had bad relationships, she's not good expressing her feelings, blah blah blah. At the end of the day? She's not in love with you. She may care for you. She may like you. But she doesn't feel that LOVE for you. Yes, I get that vibe. How is your physical relationship? In my case, I really never even wanted to be intimate. And when we did, it wasn't loving or passionate or anything, it just was. There was no kissing, I couldn't even tolerate holding his hand. It felt awkward. That's the odd thing, she shows me plenty of affection, cuddles in bed, great sex, holds hands, hugs me whenever we meet or leave. You really need to re-evaluate why you stay with this woman. My ex stayed with me too. I assume it's because he loved me so much and hoped that I would love him back one day, I assume it's because he was too scared to be alone, or because he had low self esteem. That's easy, because she's wonderful, and I love her dearly I'm not afraid of being alone, and I'm quite confident I can meet another women if push came to shove. You deserve someone who's going to be head over heels in love with you, not this lukewarm, settling BS. Life's way too short to settle for mediocre. You're not going to ever get from this woman, what you give. My ex-wife loved me dearly, it didn't stop her having an affair and going completely off the rails. Thanks for your kind words and insight...!
halfcrazed_i Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 People treat the sentence "I Love You" very differently... It took my bf about 3 years to tell me that he loves me. But I never doubted that he didn't love me, even though he never said it out right. If you feel that she loves you, stop pushing her to say it to you. After all, you would rather she show you that she loves you than simply say it to you (without backing it up with anything). Some people freak out over the idea of "love" because it's just so enormous and overwhelming for them. Let her have some time to make peace with it. She will eventually get there on her own pace. People show their love differently. Some of them aren't so vocal about it.
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