Disappearing Reappearing Man

[pal86]

This is the first time this has ever happened to me when we've met and been out together. He’s a Taurus and now 42 (I’m soon to be 28). I know age doesn’t always count towards a lot but I would’ve hoped that a 40 something year old man wouldn’t pull a disappearing reappearing act like this. I’m not hugely into astrology but seems as though Taurus men are renowned for pulling disappearing acts and sometimes surfacing again?

 

I met him on POF, he was the first guy to message me and seemed very keen. If I hadn’t replied to a message from the previous night and he could see me online he would send me another quick message before I’d had chance to reply. We eventually exchange numbers and messages went back and forth.

 

We went on 3 great dates (last 2 were lunch dates) over the next 2 weeks, there was plenty of laughter and conversation and he would lean into me and look me in the eyes when we were talking so the signs were there that he was interested. On our last date I bought him a small gift box of some of his favourite chocolate as a late birthday present as well.

 

We said goodbye and he said thank you again for the chocolate, embraced me and mentioned something about doing something the following weekend. At this point we still hadn’t kissed.

 

I thank him that night for earlier and mention that I’m looking for a funny youtube video to send him that we had been discussing earlier and he replies with his email address and said ‘... it was lovely to catch up again even if we do talk bollocks ;-) x’. I send the email and don’t hear back from him.

 

3 weeks pass and I don’t reach out. I did not chased him, I just let him be but it hurt as we got on so well. I rarely find someone I get on so well with and am attracted to the way I was with him let alone finding that online.

 

I randomly received the following yesterday:

 

5/21/2014 2:07:31 PM

 

Hey ... - had to jump on here today to get in touch with you as i don't have any of your details to get in touch. I dropped my phone into the sea, probably the day after we last communicated i think. I hadn't backed it up to my laptop so had lost your number and for some reason i can't find your email anywhere so had no idea how to get in touch. Tried to find you on FB but couldn't for some reason and its taken me ages to get in touch with POF and get back into my account as i didn't know my password ..long story.

 

Anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i haven't been ignoring you on purpose and had no way of contacting you until now. If you fancy chatting which i hope you do then hopefully you still have my number so ping me a message. … x

 

5/21/2014 3:07:09 PM

 

Hey ... - just in case you've deleted me and i'm not dead to you ;-) my number is …. x

 

So my first reaction was amusement. He slightly misspelt my name in the above messages and I haven’t yet decided what I want to do. My interpretation of the situation has been that he enjoyed a fling with someone else and that has now finished and he’d like to restart things with me.

 

Has anyone else either treated someone in this way or been subjected to a disappearing reappearing act?

[Assasda]

Let you're mind run wild with imagination.

Maybe he was in the Amazon, with Amazon jungle women all around him.

Maybe he went to space and he came back, and he had a fling in the international space station with some Russian cosmonauts.

- You left out the part on the date, when you felt like you could never trust him.

 

... The question is, why didnt you contact him? since you had such a good time with him.

 

Leave him alone. Hopefully the guy will dudge a bullet

[soccerrprp]

He's lying. Move on.

 

pal86,

 

One reason why many believe that the guy should be the one to pursue is b/c they, guys, are more likely to be the player. You were right to wait for him to come to you. Guess what?! It took him 3 absurd weeks to contact you again. NO WAY that he could have lost your email address (and emails), the conversation from the dating site AND your phone number all at once! It's laughably dumb of him to have tried to fool you into thinking this would be a plausible way to fool you. I hope you weren't.

 

It took him 3-weeks to finally figure out to go back to the dating site from where you two met to contact you????????? No way.

 

He was busy with some other girl(s). Didn't work out and now back to you. Don't respond to him. Just move on.

Edited May 23, 2014 by soccerrprp

[aprilisi]

Happens all the time, last guy was an Aquarius and it was five weeks. Only said he was busy. This Friday will be five weeks again. Every five weeks he has a weekend off. Works 3 days and off 3 days. He must not have phone access during those days off. I really like him, always have. Had a crush on him in high school. Was sad the first time. Now am mad. Decided when I do here from him I will be busy. Even if its just washing my hair

[cif]

He dropped his phone in the sea???

 

Gosh I hope you didn't respond.

[beach]

I bet he's married.

 

Lunch dates mostly? Hmmm, while his wife is at work.

 

Test him. He should provide HIS number and you can call him at any random hour at home and see if he always answers.

 

If he's constantly unavailable = he's married or taken and trying to cheat with you.

 

No one is so stupid that they can't figure out for 3 weeks how to contact someone.

 

Ask him point blank if he's married! Ask his last name too then search him. If he won't tell you - he's married!

 

And don't make assumptions about Taurus' they have nice qualities :-)

[littleplanet]

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like Mr. Mystery is on the up and up.

I'd probably do the disappearing act.

Online contacts can be wonderful ways of hiding all those irritating little 'details' one wishes to hide away that constitute their real life.

This could very well be the case.

If it's worth it, you can confront him I suppose (with no guarantee you'll get the truth.)

The bottom line is - for those three weeks (for whatever reason) you were unimportant enough to him to bother making contact ( no matter what excuse he gives.)

Guage accordingly....

[pal86]

Thank you all. I really appreciate it and it's quite sad that grown men can act like that. I will let my contact details stay 'lost'!

 

As traditional as it may sound and like you have mentioned soccerrprp, if a woman chases a man she won't be able to truly gauge how interested he really is. I am so glad I didn't make any contact!

 

aprilisi - you deserve SO much better x

[TXGuy]

This guy took you on three (apparently) pleasurable dates. He didn't even try to kiss you. Then got distracted with life (maybe lost his phone) and did not contact you for three weeks. You did not contact him in those three weeks either.

 

Somehow you, and most of the peanut gallery, have somehow made him out to be a bad guy that treated you badly ('you deserve better', etc).

 

You have every right to blow him off if you want to, but I don't see how he did anything particularly wrong or offensive. It seems. To me you are just looking for an excuse to get indignant.

[soccerrprp]

This guy took you on three (apparently) pleasurable dates. He didn't even try to kiss you. Then got distracted with life (maybe lost his phone) and did not contact you for three weeks. You did not contact him in those three weeks either.

 

Somehow you, and most of the peanut gallery, have somehow made him out to be a bad guy that treated you badly ('you deserve better', etc).

 

You have every right to blow him off if you want to, but I don't see how he did anything particularly wrong or offensive. It seems. To me you are just looking for an excuse to get indignant.

 

BS. OP, he had your information and chose not to contact you during the 3-weeks...hands down. Yes, he got distracted with life...other women or woman.

[TXGuy]

BS. OP, he had your information and chose not to contact you during the 3-weeks...hands down. Yes, he got distracted with life...other women or woman.

 

I'm not sure I agree, but lets say that is true. It would mean that this guy does not like parallel dating with anything physical involved. I would think that would be considered an admirable trait. Remember, he never even kissed op.

 

If he disappeared for a few weeks right after having sex, I could understand the hostility toward him. But, I don't see any cause for it in this case.

 

If op wants to write this guy off, despite finding him to be one of her better prospects, more power to her.

 

But, at a minimum she should acknowledge that she is holding this guy to a higher standard of behavior she is willing to provide herself (wrt initiating contact).

[soccerrprp]

I'm not sure I agree, but lets say that is true. It would mean that this guy does not like parallel dating with anything physical involved. I would think that would be considered an admirable trait. Remember, he never even kissed op.

 

If he disappeared for a few weeks right after having sex, I could understand the hostility toward him. But, I don't see any cause for it in this case.

 

If op wants to write this guy off, despite finding him to be one of her better prospects, more power to her.

 

But, at a minimum she should acknowledge that she is holding this guy to a higher standard of behavior she is willing to provide herself (wrt initiating contact).

 

TXGuy,

 

You know as well as I, that guys who are truly interested are going to contact a woman in a reasonable amount of time. 3-weeks later is not reasonable. Let's forget that he didn't have a way to contact her. He did. He chose not to contact her for 3-weeks. He was busy doing something else, aka other women or perhaps his own hidden family. Even if it wasn't another woman, who comes back and gives the lame excuse like he did and think that he can get away with it.

 

We want women to initiate contact sometimes, great, I'm all for it. But as it was then and I think, in many ways, now, women should wait for the guy to respond. Remember, SHE was the last person to respond to his email address! He did not lose his email and email address. He simply did not respond and waited 3-weeks later to make the next move.

 

The OP was right to wait for him to respond to HER most recent communication.

[Dudette]

We went on 3 great dates (last 2 were lunch dates) over the next 2 weeks, there was plenty of laughter and conversation and he would lean into me and look me in the eyes when we were talking so the signs were there that he was interested.

 

This is why younger women are easier to sweep off their feet for men his age. A woman in her 40s would need much more than eye contact and a couple of lunches to be impressed. He's older, more confident, and knows how to charm. This you are describing means in no way he was genuine.

 

That being said you only went on a couple of lunches together, you don't owe each other anything so you can give him the benefit of the doubt even though it took him 3 weeks to get back to you and his excuse is lame. By the way why lunch dates?

Edited May 23, 2014 by Dudette

[FitChick]

There was no promise of exclusivity. If you like him, it can't hurt to give him another chance but take it very slow just in case. No sex until he wants to be exclusive (unless you want sex regardless). It's possible he chose you over the other woman after spending time with her. That's why you date.

 

The lunch thing leads me to believe he was dating someone for dinner or might be married or living with someone. You have to play detective.

[Phantom888]

Let me give you a little hint about guys in their 40s that are single and do online dating:

 

1) They have no intention of being in exclusive relationships because they are finally free to have sex with multiple women after being married for so long.

 

2) Their kids are likely to be out of diapers, so they can have more freedom to date multiple women.

 

3) To them, relationships are negative.

 

4) They tell you things you want to hear, and then they disappear.

 

My fiancee met so many men that are like that, and she is completely turned off by them. They seem really perfect, until you discover that they lie. Very common online. You should avoid this demographics if you want a real relationship.

[soccerrprp]

Let me give you a little hint about guys in their 40s that are single and do online dating:

 

1) They have no intention of being in exclusive relationships because they are finally free to have sex with multiple women after being married for so long.

 

2) Their kids are likely to be out of diapers, so they can have more freedom to date multiple women.

 

3) To them, relationships are negative.

 

4) They tell you things you want to hear, and then they disappear.

 

My fiancee met so many men that are like that, and she is completely turned off by them. They seem really perfect, until you discover that they lie. Very common online. You should avoid this demographics if you want a real relationship.

 

Phew, I'm in my 40s, single (for now, soon to be engaged) and darn happy I don't or didn't fit any of these!

[Zahara]

Let me give you a little hint about guys in their 40s that are single and do online dating:

 

1) They have no intention of being in exclusive relationships because they are finally free to have sex with multiple women after being married for so long.

 

2) Their kids are likely to be out of diapers, so they can have more freedom to date multiple women.

 

3) To them, relationships are negative.

 

4) They tell you things you want to hear, and then they disappear.

 

My fiancee met so many men that are like that, and she is completely turned off by them. They seem really perfect, until you discover that they lie. Very common online. You should avoid this demographics if you want a real relationship.

 

Damn. It's doesn't look good for me.

[Gaeta]

Let me give you a little hint about guys in their 40s that are single and do online dating:

 

1) They have no intention of being in exclusive relationships because they are finally free to have sex with multiple women after being married for so long.

 

2) Their kids are likely to be out of diapers, so they can have more freedom to date multiple women.

 

3) To them, relationships are negative.

 

4) They tell you things you want to hear, and then they disappear.

 

My fiancee met so many men that are like that, and she is completely turned off by them. They seem really perfect, until you discover that they lie. Very common online. You should avoid this demographics if you want a real relationship.

 

As a woman in her 40s I can confirm there is a lot of 40ish men like this out there. It also depends on how long they've been single. If they've been single for a long while and were able to 'catch up' sort of then they're a little more serious about finding the one.

[carhill]

Has anyone else either treated someone in this way or been subjected to a disappearing reappearing act?

 

Double nickel Taurus here and nope, was steadfast in contacts unless and until one or the other clearly expressed disinterest. However, the most common denominator by far amongst ladies who did this to myself were those who turned out to be MW's.

 

The way I see this interaction is that two strangers met, interacted, time passed without contact and now there's been contact. I'm not big on 'explanations' and personally think the guy is trying too hard to 'explain' himself but that's just a personal observation based on life experience. IMO, if you had a good time and found the man attractive, no harm in having a good time while continuing to date other men. Time reveals all truths. Who knows, while out on a date with this guy, you might meet your next husband. Happens!