Dysfunctional Love

[mzhailz2014]

This is my first ever post. I am a 29 year old woman. I have been married once. I lost my husband in a car accident in 2010. I have dated men here and there since then, but mostly gots duds!!. Two years ago Feb of 2012 I met a really great guy on a site. We talked as friends for a while and it blossomed. He is 35 years old and has been married twice. Long story short, he married young first time around and admitted he was a jerk to her and divorced her, Got married again to a woman who was to young and still wanted to party. He stayed home a lot with her child, got pregnant from another man, pretended it was his baby..

 

They broke up and got back together many times. Eventually he found out after the baby was born she was not his. He moved home. He is still married to her to this day. Moved home in 2010. He had lied to me for over a year about being divorced until she facebook ME saying she needed to get in contact with him. ( i assume she was stalking his page and found out i was his gf, idk). That was a wide eye opener starting there. We have our disagreements. He is a procrastinator in life. He has sat at his parents with no job. For a very long time. We have met. Many times. So don't think **** is some lame online thing. It is not. I have been in the dumps before, i connected with this man very strongly.

 

I didn't judge his bad luck in life. I found it comforting to speak to him about all the bad stuff we had been through. Anyway back to the relationship. In 2012 I wanted him to come live with me about 6 months in. I was going to help him get work and get somewhere in life. He told me many time he didn't wanna put the strife on me and wanted to get a job and make his own way for me to be proud of him. That goal never happened. HE spent another year sitting on his ass, Well into 2013 making false promises with no drive for life. He is a loner too btw. No friends where he lives. I am in Illinois and he is in California. Anyway..

 

I tried to be patient, but eventually I had found out in may of 2013 that he was still married and had lied to me. So generally i thought all the promises and things we talked about were crap. The trust was gone for a good while. He had told me many times he was afraid he would lose me and didnt know how to tell me because he knew I would be disappointed. I of course didnt get the excuse. I had loved him moneyless, jobless and everything else, and still accepted him. Why lie that long. He dont have the money to divorce. I get it. We moved on from it and i forgave and let him have another chance. In the end of 2013 around September, he finally made a move and said he was going to use some VA benefits to go back to school. I was so proud and he stuck to his word.

 

He went to EMT school and graduated in December. Now the badness started. We sat down and made plans for him to continue another 7 months with paramedic school. That was to start in May of 2014. When he graduated in December we were stoked to have a lil time together. But along game him spending most of his school check on a video game called world of warcraft. From January until April of 2014, It was HELL. I was ignored, abandoned, left to think a game was more important to me for far to long. I would cry, express how i felt, be second best and YES, even subscribed and played with him. He abandoned his family, stopped helping them around the house, stopped caring about our relationship, stopped caring about his goals towards a career. I thought if i just held on a lil longer he would pass when he started school again. He was supposed to start in May 2014.

 

I recently found out.. Although he did graduate from EMT school, he never went to get licensed. He needs this to be accepted into paramedic school. He has from jan to april to get it done. I would remind him and remind him and he would be like Ill get it done i promise. It never happened. May rolls around and he cant get in because of all that procrastination. Now he has all summer to continue his WOW obsession. He is severely addicted. Like a drug addict LOL. He now has until august to get all that stuff done to get into paramedic school. I am tired of the lies. fake promises and him begging me to continue to hold on. I have tried to walk so many times but i am WEAK. I love him alot. ALOT. He is a good man when he wants to be a good man. He has alot of bad flaws.

 

So no instead of him being in school now, i have to wait till august for him to start. (assuming he gets the crap done to get in this time) Idk what to think anymore. He lives and breathes for that damn game. I am ignored and sidelined constantly. I could ask him to help me with something, or talk to him about something important. and hes still clicking in the background. its so annoying.

 

Then when i calmly express to him how disrespectful and hurtful it makes me feel, i get the im trying to control his life and his hobbies. Help me people. Just help me. What am i doing wrong?

 

Xoxox Hailz

Edited May 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Assasda]

First of all, you might want to use paragraph breaks to make the post easier to read.

 

It sounds rough, but you really cant control the guy.

Sounds like he has a lot of baggage

Its really crappy of him to lie to you about his past relationship, I think that alone is grounds to leave him, but it seems like you can handle it

 

If he is unmotivated and unambitious, you have to make the tough decision of leaving him.

[soccerrprp]

I won't be spending too more time on LS. It's made me hard and a little more cynical and that certainly is not healthy. You ask what you have been doing wrong? SO MANY THINGS.

 

Ultimately, the answer to that question is that 'you are staying with a loser.' You are blind to the obvious. You didn't leave him when you found out that he was married. You don't respect the institution of marriage nor the woman he is married to. You are not healthy enough to be and recognize what a good relationship is. You are addicted to dysfunction. You enable him. You do not build him up, rather allow him to be mediocre. You do not inspire him. You do respect yourself. You are a danger to yourself and your well-being. You need to open your eyes and walk away from this toxic guy and relationship before you begin to drag other innocent souls into this wreck of a relationship. You may think you're playing the fixer or supporter, but you're only being played as the fool. You may think you are being heroic, but this is a fallacy and at your expense. You may think this is love, but it sounds like co-dependency.

 

Let me stop there. I won't be surprised if you ignore or become offended by what I have said. People like you often do until something terribly wrong happens or when someone, someone who is truly worthy of your love comes into your life and with the strength and low-tolerance for your BS, and w/o a desire to fix or save you....saves you.

 

Dysfunctional love is an understatement... in fact, imho, this hardly resembles a "loving" situation AT ALL.

[FitChick]

What was your relationship like with your late husband? What type of person was he?

 

The current guy knows he can do whatever he wants and you'll stick around. Why should he change? He likes his life.

[Versacehottie]

Sorry i'm going to be brutally honest to help you:

 

The thing you are doing wrong is staying with him.

 

I don't usually like to post negative things. You need to see the fact that you are sweet and supportive with the capacity for great love as wonderful things about you that deserve the right person to appreciate them. That you can see some good things about this guy is another good trait of yours. But don't go overboard to spite yourself. If you need to tell yourself that you will just go on break from him and when and if he gets his stuff together, you may consider him again, then tell yourself that and still break up with him for now. He has more red flags that you should put up with.

 

Good luck