EdG Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Does anyone else have an overactive mind/anxiety that sometimes gets in the way of enjoying a relationship as it should be enjoyed. I have an overactive mind. I read into everything, too much. I have unhealthy anxiety sometimes. These issues often lead to insecurity in relationships, which in affect is damaging of course. I've been enjoying the single life for the last 10 months of so. Having fun, going on a few dates, 'seeing' people, etc. but nothing 'serious'. It's a comfortable space for someone with anxiety. However, I've been seeing someone I really like for a month now and things are progressing nicely to the point where a relationship looks potentially on the cards. As I grow to like this girl emotionally as well as physically I notice the over-thinking and anxiety levels increasing. I hate it. I don't have any reason to feel insecure or anxious and I try and manage it, yet it continues to control my thoughts. I think of worst case scenarios all the time. "She's out clubbing with her friends. She's a really attractive girl, flirtatious, she's probably hooked up with someone". "She probably fancies him more than me, because he's taller and better looking". Those sorts of thoughts. Why do I think this way? I know I am a "good catch". I am relatively good looking, have a good job, kind, fun, etc. but yet I let insecure thoughts take over. Why? Do you have this problem too? if so, what tips do you have for controlling the thoughts? I want to just enjoy this relationship and life, yet these thoughts are getting in my way!
Potz4prez Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Yeah, it's all about re-learning how to think really. For instance, when you think she's with another guy, tell yourself (verbally or mentally) "She is not with anyone else, that is ridiculous, she only wants me" and continue with that. The second you recognize a negative thought, imagine you're erasing it and replace it with a positive thought. You can write notecards even and leave them around the house with the same positive thoughts to remind you. Additionally, benadryl is good for mild anxiety, but it can make you drowsy. And EXERCISE. If you're really stressing, go exercise (Not a doctor... you should consult one). The fact that you recognize the problem and you negative thought patterns, I feel like you'll do well with a little therapy. You've already got the ground work out of the way. Now you just need someone to help you change for the better. 1
hatem10 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Does anyone else have an overactive mind/anxiety that sometimes gets in the way of enjoying a relationship as it should be enjoyed. I have an overactive mind. I read into everything, too much. I have unhealthy anxiety sometimes. These issues often lead to insecurity in relationships, which in affect is damaging of course. I've been enjoying the single life for the last 10 months of so. Having fun, going on a few dates, 'seeing' people, etc. but nothing 'serious'. It's a comfortable space for someone with anxiety. However, I've been seeing someone I really like for a month now and things are progressing nicely to the point where a relationship looks potentially on the cards. As I grow to like this girl emotionally as well as physically I notice the over-thinking and anxiety levels increasing. I hate it. I don't have any reason to feel insecure or anxious and I try and manage it, yet it continues to control my thoughts. I think of worst case scenarios all the time. "She's out clubbing with her friends. She's a really attractive girl, flirtatious, she's probably hooked up with someone". "She probably fancies him more than me, because he's taller and better looking". Those sorts of thoughts. Why do I think this way? I know I am a "good catch". I am relatively good looking, have a good job, kind, fun, etc. but yet I let insecure thoughts take over. Why? Do you have this problem too? if so, what tips do you have for controlling the thoughts? I want to just enjoy this relationship and life, yet these thoughts are getting in my way! Hey man, it seems you're placing far too much emphasis on the girl. You're thinking if you lose her than it's the end of the world, this is a scarcity mindset. You need to be more abundant. When you're with your mates flirt with girls, keep it light hearted. Don't play to lose, play to win. Dictate the relationship rather than waiting for this girl to cheat on you. Joe 1
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I over think the beginning of relationships too. After my first date with the man who is now my husband I went to a bar & found a childhood buddy & cried on his shoulder for an hour lamenting that I blew the date & the new cute guy didn't like me. After that break down, I would go through my screw ball self doubt, nit-picking every word, every gesture, agonizing over the time between contact then after a few minutes of that, I'd self talk my way back to sanity by reminding myself that I was being nutty. It all worked out. Have a little faith. Realize everyone gets nervous. 2
ja123 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 OP - check out CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Also the book "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns. Someone also told me about Claire Weekes, though, I haven't checked out her books. 1
michellew Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I am the exact same way OP. I have been told I'm the complete package many times, yet I always seem to let my insecurities get in the way of healthy relationships with good guys all the time. I can hold down unhealthy relationships with a**holes though for long periods of time. :-/ With the good guys, I get anxious like you when things are going well. I start to overanalyze everything, turn molehills into mountains, and quickly sabatage a good thing. I start to think the worst over minor things (like not receiving a text response right away or the guy not accepting an invitation to do something because he's tired). The next thing you know I'm thinking to myself, "he must not be interested anymore or he's on his way to ending this. I better end it first before he does." Then I end it and am full of regret later as I look back and realize how irrational and crazy my thoughts were. I'm going through that regret now actually, as I recently ended something wonderful and can't get him back. As I get older (I'm 35), I've finally started to see these patterns and am working on improvement. Hopefully it's not too late. If you're still young, don't wait till your 30s like me to address this problem. 1
Author EdG Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thanks a lot, great advise regarding replacing negative thoughts with positive. I've had therapy in the past, but have requested to start it back up again, twice a month. I just need to rewire my thought patterns. I exercise daily, it also helps, you're right. Yeah, it's all about re-learning how to think really. For instance, when you think she's with another guy, tell yourself (verbally or mentally) "She is not with anyone else, that is ridiculous, she only wants me" and continue with that. The second you recognize a negative thought, imagine you're erasing it and replace it with a positive thought. You can write notecards even and leave them around the house with the same positive thoughts to remind you. Additionally, benadryl is good for mild anxiety, but it can make you drowsy. And EXERCISE. If you're really stressing, go exercise (Not a doctor... you should consult one). The fact that you recognize the problem and you negative thought patterns, I feel like you'll do well with a little therapy. You've already got the ground work out of the way. Now you just need someone to help you change for the better.
Author EdG Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Don't play to lose, play to win. I like that, thanks mate. I see what you're saying. I do put myself out there in a light hearted way, and not just sitting around waiting for her to cheat, but I know exactly what you're saying and will keep it in my mind. I need to not put this girl on a pedastooll. Know I am as good as her, and if it all does go tits up one day that I am assured enough to deal with it. Got ya mate, cheers. Hey man, it seems you're placing far too much emphasis on the girl. You're thinking if you lose her than it's the end of the world, this is a scarcity mindset. You need to be more abundant. When you're with your mates flirt with girls, keep it light hearted. Don't play to lose, play to win. Dictate the relationship rather than waiting for this girl to cheat on you. Joe
Author EdG Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Congrats! It's crazy what we can tell ourselves/make up in our own mind sometimes. I know what you mean, I've often beaten myself up thinking I'd messed things up when in reality the person did like me and I hadn't messed things up at all. I over think the beginning of relationships too. After my first date with the man who is now my husband I went to a bar & found a childhood buddy & cried on his shoulder for an hour lamenting that I blew the date & the new cute guy didn't like me. After that break down, I would go through my screw ball self doubt, nit-picking every word, every gesture, agonizing over the time between contact then after a few minutes of that, I'd self talk my way back to sanity by reminding myself that I was being nutty. It all worked out. Have a little faith. Realize everyone gets nervous.
Author EdG Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 You've got it spot on mate. I already have anxiety issues and relationships simply increase the levels. My anxiety isn't chronic in the sense it's completely overwhelming, but it's certainly very powerful. I have seen a therapist about it in the past and it helped a lot. I stopped when I felt better (about 10 months ago) as it was very expensive to maintain, but I've now started it back up again. I need to rewire the way I turn fear into thoughts. Healthy anxiety is a good thing as it helps us identify fear, but I can often go from healthy anxiety to unhealthy anxiety very quickly. I've decided to stop drinking for the time being too, as alcohol coupled with anxiety will spell disaster for me at the moment, I know it. With all due respect Don (and I actually mean that for once, I always find your advice to be solid) I think OPs situation is slightly different. Everyone experiences anxiety at the start of a relationship, that's 100% true. The difference is with most people it's the newness of the relationship itself making them anxious, whereas with people like OP it's that they were already anxious and now it's just doubled. He's anxious about things in his life as a whole cause that's how his brain works, so when it comes to relationships it's even worse. So the same rationalization and coping strategies that work for everyone else don't usually work; we know it's not a temporary thing. If it's not his girlfriend it's his job. If it's not his job it's his degree choice. If it's not his degree choice it's his student debt. If it's not his debt...you get the picture. Anywho OP, I already said it once but again; if you feel like you're getting worse and that your anxiety is truly getting out of hand, go see someone. Good luck!
Author EdG Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thanks, I'll check out feeling good. I think CBT could be really useful to hep me change negative thought patterns. OP - check out CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Also the book "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns. Someone also told me about Claire Weekes, though, I haven't checked out her books. 1
Author EdG Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know exactly how you feel. I am 27. I've never ended a relationship because of it, but I've certainly messed relationships up because of it, if that makes sense...e.g. the anxiety has caused issues which have led to the relationship failing, but I haven't ended a relationship because of anxiety. Do you see a therapist? I am going back to mine to get help again as it worked wonders the first time round. I know I am wired this way. I am a deep thinker. Perhaps a bit of a worrier. Tuned into my brain. But, that shouldn't mean I am I naturally should have unhealthy anxiety or insecurity. Surely we can overcome this. Well done on working on the issue. I hope you have success with it too. I am the exact same way OP. I have been told I'm the complete package many times, yet I always seem to let my insecurities get in the way of healthy relationships with good guys all the time. I can hold down unhealthy relationships with a**holes though for long periods of time. :-/ With the good guys, I get anxious like you when things are going well. I start to overanalyze everything, turn molehills into mountains, and quickly sabatage a good thing. I start to think the worst over minor things (like not receiving a text response right away or the guy not accepting an invitation to do something because he's tired). The next thing you know I'm thinking to myself, "he must not be interested anymore or he's on his way to ending this. I better end it first before he does." Then I end it and am full of regret later as I look back and realize how irrational and crazy my thoughts were. I'm going through that regret now actually, as I recently ended something wonderful and can't get him back. As I get older (I'm 35), I've finally started to see these patterns and am working on improvement. Hopefully it's not too late. If you're still young, don't wait till your 30s like me to address this problem.
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