68_f100 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 So after reading different posts on this site I know know about cheating then I did last year. Last year my wife and I had an issue. We were stuck in a rut of fighting all the time. Not spending any time together. No affection or emotion towards each other. Just roommates raising two children. I had the gut feeling that something was up. So I started snooping and found some deleted text messages with two different guys. Guy 1 He was a guy she went to prom with. Didn't date him or anything but did have sex with him. She found him on FB and they started texting. In the text she was venting about our marriage and then it got to the point of talking about meeting. She would say things like how it would be hard to be good around him. Guy 2 She dated and had sex with guy 2 before I knew him. It wasn't a long term thing. She moved out of state for a year and he and I started hanging out before I knew my wife. Fast forward 11 years and we were hanging out with him and his wife and a few other couples. I find text about him saying things to her when we were all out at the bars. Hey would tell her she needed to say she had a doctors appointment and come meet him. In some of the text the day after we had all be out she called him a chicken. He response was he didn't want to get slapped. She told him she would only slap him if he got caught. When I called her out on all this she said she was sorry. Said she felt bad. The more I pushed her the more she told me. She said it was all text and nver anything physical. The thing is I don't believe her. Then told me that we need to move past all this because if we don't it's going to poison our marriage. Im thinking WTF you already poisoned our marriage. But I have tried to work past this. I don't trust her and still get that gut feeling she did more than she tells me. I have checked her phone and have full access to her FB. I can't find any contact with either guy. So as far as I know she hasn't talked to either guy after this. She told guy 1 not to contact her and she wouldn't contact him. I took care of guy 2 and he will not contact her anymore because he knows I will show his wife everything that was said in text. So after a year of feeling like something is missing from the story I still get that gut feeling something is BS. I still get that gut feeling that something isn't right. Am I obsessed over this or should I be concerned?
karnak Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Usually in cases such as this it's always best to trust your guts. By "gut feeling" we usually mean the subconscious way by which your mind manages to aprehend things your conscious mind can't. Little subtle things, like the way your wife speaks, moves or looks at you. Your logic brain can't quite grasp it. But the subconscious mind notices that something is not quite right and gives the alert. It's a sort of primordial defense mechanism. 7
jm2013 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) Sorry you're going through this. It's obvious your wife has been fishing to start an affair for awhile now to fill some gap that has been missing in her life. You'll have to come to terms that your wife has had sex with one of these men if not both of them. When the truth is exposed some key questions to ask would be if condoms were used, if she loves anybody else, and if she legitimately wants to reconcile your marriage or just fold in the cards. Depending on those answers, get an STD test and start evaluating what she is doing as a person who should be remorseful who truly loves you and would like to show you through example that may lead to a true reconciliation. And remember time is on your side. Once you expose as much as you can YOU will have the power to determine what YOU want to do. And she'll then have to fight for YOU if she sincerely wants you. But remember, you are being trickle truthed. As much as you want to believe your wife doesn't have the ability to do this to you and your family you're going to have to come to terms with it that the worst of the worst in your imagination right now has most likely already happened and perhaps is still happening today. Right now your wife knows all the info you got is based on texts. She knows that you're hot on her tracks and she'll try that much harder to cover them now. You have some options at your disposal to uncover the affair. Keyloggers, VAR, lying about how you know things already to let information flowing, private investigators etc. There will be lots of people who will post here giving advice on how to get the information about the affair. I got my wife to spill the beans by saying I pulled all the SMS text records from the phone company and told her I knew everything. Then even more trickle truth happened but I had a confirmation 100% she had been having sex with another man. Good luck and again, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Edited May 22, 2014 by jm2013 1
veritas lux mea Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sounds like your wife was fishing hard. If those trxts were recent I would say nothing further happened with them. It is obvious from the deleted texts that she was disappointed guy two didn't try anything and she was hinting to guy one she wanted something. So on that as a former cheater I can say others saying assume she had sex are not looking at the facts but rather their own situation of mistrust. But if these texts are old then. She was trying pretty hard for nothin to come of it if either guy was willing. I have to say. This "almost" physical affair that your wife showed clear inititive for is troubleing. And she may be more sorry she never got her fun then if you had caught her or she had actually went through with it. She may not really get that looking for an affair was as terrible for your marriage as it was. So with knowing he was that desperate how do you feel about her? Does her having sex or not really change the fact she wanted sex but the guy didn't make the move. Because if he had it sounds like it would have happened.
harrybrown Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 do you have kids? have you had her tested for stds? you need to expose the OMs to their wives. Do not tell her about this, just do it. Sorry you are going thru this. Has she given you a timeline of her affairs? Have you told her parents, and your family? Let them know, it is a good way to stop the affairs that she may have taken underground. Does she have a burner phone? Sorry you are going thru this. What would she say if you had an affair? what if the roles were reversed?
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Infidelity is a no-brainer, non-reconcilable offense for me. She claims that nothing physical happened and you don't have proof, BUT her intent, w/o a doubt was to cheat. She was encouraging and actively pursuing an affair! In my book, that is philosophically equivalent to cheating physically. She may have another FB account. She may have another, hidden email that she is using to continue her communication with these guys. You see, after all that time, you still feel unsettled, you don't trust her...this will not disappear. Your marriage was poisoned by your wife and will remain so simply b/c you don't trust her and I don't blame you. Yeah, harrybrown has a point. get tested for STDs just to be certain. Has your relationship improved since??? 2
Author 68_f100 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Just so we are all clear this all happened in June of last year. It opened my eyes to what our marriage had become. She expressed lots of sorrow for doing this. She said it was all for the attention she wasn't getting. She said she would have never cheated on me. But she was considering a divorce at this time. I believe her because I was not a good husband or partner. I am the only source of income. She is a stay at home mom and I couldn't ask her to do a better job at that. Before this happened I was very self centered. I would do what I wanted when I wanted. I didn't spend much time with the kids or her. I would say and do disrespectful things to her. I would fight with her about everything and would go for the throat when I did. I would fight with her even if the kids were in the room. I want to add that it was never physical. But I was verbally abusive sometimes. I admit to taking her for granted and thought that by paying the bills I was taking care of my end. I didn't contribute to the family or marriage in any way. In a way this has been a good thing. It has taught me not to take her or others for granted. It has brought me so much closer to our kids. I have seen a world of improvement in our relationship. I am very close to my kids now. It might not have happened without this wakeup call. I have learned the best things in life are not things. I treat my wife with love and respect now. I gladly give up my personal stuff and put time into making our marriage stronger. Sadly it almost took loosing it all to figure out what I had. That being said. I had developed a drinking problem that I recently kicked. I have issues with reliving that time. I can't forget the text and what they said. I have tried to talk to her about it but that usually ends in a fight. And as sad as it sounds even with all the improvements we had made I would leave if I found out that she did have sex with anyone while we were married. No questions asked I would be out. It would be hard to do but I could never trust here again and there would be nothing at that point. It's been hard enough trying to trust here after only a few text and I still struggle with that. I am not trying to defend her actions but I wouldn't have invested the time she did in me they way I was acting before all this. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to come off as the perfect husband while this was going on.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Good for you quitting the alcohol and working on improved behavior! Since you have determined your fate based on whether or not she actually had sex since you've married - there's really only one way to be sure (since you know she will lie given the chance) = a polygraph is in order now, like today! She will NOT have any issues with it if she didn't have sex with anyone else. The gut doesn't lie though...be ready for more truth to be revealed. Set up your plan. Maybe she should work and be busier since she obviously had plenty of free time to engage several men. She can provide income which is good. Hoping for a good outcome.
jm2013 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) Just so we are all clear this all happened in June of last year. It opened my eyes to what our marriage had become. She expressed lots of sorrow for doing this. She said it was all for the attention she wasn't getting. She said she would have never cheated on me. But she was considering a divorce at this time. I believe her because I was not a good husband or partner. I am the only source of income. She is a stay at home mom and I couldn't ask her to do a better job at that. Before this happened I was very self centered. I would do what I wanted when I wanted. I didn't spend much time with the kids or her. I would say and do disrespectful things to her. I would fight with her about everything and would go for the throat when I did. I would fight with her even if the kids were in the room. I want to add that it was never physical. But I was verbally abusive sometimes. I admit to taking her for granted and thought that by paying the bills I was taking care of my end. I didn't contribute to the family or marriage in any way. In a way this has been a good thing. It has taught me not to take her or others for granted. It has brought me so much closer to our kids. I have seen a world of improvement in our relationship. I am very close to my kids now. It might not have happened without this wakeup call. I have learned the best things in life are not things. I treat my wife with love and respect now. I gladly give up my personal stuff and put time into making our marriage stronger. Sadly it almost took loosing it all to figure out what I had. That being said. I had developed a drinking problem that I recently kicked. I have issues with reliving that time. I can't forget the text and what they said. I have tried to talk to her about it but that usually ends in a fight. And as sad as it sounds even with all the improvements we had made I would leave if I found out that she did have sex with anyone while we were married. No questions asked I would be out. It would be hard to do but I could never trust here again and there would be nothing at that point. It's been hard enough trying to trust here after only a few text and I still struggle with that. I am not trying to defend her actions but I wouldn't have invested the time she did in me they way I was acting before all this. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to come off as the perfect husband while this was going on. I just highlighted that tidbit you said. This is WHY you are getting trickle truth. It's a self defense mode each wayward gets in to suppress information they think will completely end their marriage or hamper it from moving forward. It is a bummer things like this have to happen to open the eyes of all parties. I carried a lot of the problems like you did in your marriage and have also been trying to correct who I am as a person. It took my wife's affair to have a self reflection of not only who I am as a person but also who she is. Trying to blame yourself for her actions is wrong. There's nothing that would condone the affair unless of course you were physically beating her. Which at that point I'm sure she would have just wanted out and terminated the marriage as fast as she could. You say she's a stay at home mom (I think) which complicates this even further. She has no fall back income and relies on you. It will be that much harder to extract information about the affair. Her loss would be devastating financially and she'll make sure she'll do everything in her power to prevent that. It sounds like you've invested some time rekindling your marriage as well as being a better father to your kids. You're going to have to ask yourself which route you're going to want to take. I had told my wife a long time ago if she ever had an affair I'd be out too. Well, when I found out I left, got a lawyer and was just about to pull that trigger and have the papers delivered to her but something prevented me. I'm 8 months into my crapfest and just learned to take things day to day. I hope you can find the information you're looking for and finally be at peace. The information that will be acquired will be a hard pill to swallow but over time the processing gets a little easier. Introducing kids to the situation makes it that much harder. I hope you have a good outcome to this as well. And again, sorry you're going through this. It's an indescribable pain you don't wish on anybody. Edited May 22, 2014 by jm2013
Author 68_f100 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 After all of this she spent weeks looking up information on how to deal with texting and emotional affairs. She also talked to her close friend whos husband cheated on her. She talked about all the stuff that went on and found out more from reading that than I did from her. There has never been any mention of anything beyond texting. I don't blame myself for her actions. I take responsibility for a my part in a bad marriage.
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I'm with sunny on this one. If you still don't trust her then ask her for a polygraph for piece of mind. If she's innocent, then she shouldn't have a problem with it. I've seen it work on here once. The guy set up the polygraph and the wife was cool with it. On the day of the test, they got in the car and he was about to put the key in the ignition and then she blurted out the truth. She later told him that she thought he was bluffing about the polygraph.
drifter777 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Look - if all you are going to do is read the advice offered and reject it all while defending your wonderful wife, then what are you looking for here? I'm not saying all of what is offered here fits your situation or is right for you, but you ignore it all. Most of us have seen dozens of "cheating wife" stories and yours fits a pattern we are familiar with. Not saying for sure, but you are likely to find out she had sex with the guys you know of and probably a few others. She might be having an affair right now - how would you know? If you want the truth you will have to get tough and get sneaky. I hope you find out that she's telling the truth and all this is a wake-up call to fix yourself and your marriage. It's just that the odds of this being the case are long - we see too many cheaters here to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Let's all try to look at this in practical, here and now terms. There were things taking place a that time that may not be applicable currently. If you have truly changed and your marriage is ty in a better place now, it may be best to leave the past alone and keep a close eye on the present and the future. I think we can all agree she was looking for some outside action at the time. She may have been hedging her bets and looking for a back up plan or may have been looking for an exit affair to give her confidence to leave. Whether a penis actually entered her vagina or not may never be known. Here are some things that are known though - - Your marriage was almost on its last breath last year. - It may have gotten better since then but may not survive a big blow now. - Your prying into the events of a year ago is causing current distress now. - She probably knows full disclosure will cause irreparable harm to the marriage and possibly destroy it in its current state. - She may have failed on her first two attempts to step out but a woman seeking an affair will always find one eventually. So adding all these things up, since you have looked for evidence of an affair recently and haven't found it and since if it turns out she did stray back then would automatically cause you to end the marriage now, my recommendation is as follows - - If your objective is to remain married and live happily ever after, stop questioning her and stop looking for past evidence of a past affair. - If your objective is to divorce, just do it now anyway and stop looking for past affairs. - continue working on your self improvement and working on marriage. And most importantly... - remain in tune and vigilant and keep your eyes open for CURRENT affair activity and keep your eyes open going into the future. - but do NOT keep asking her about it or hounding her about it. That will only made her mad and annoy her if she's not cheating and will make her go deeper underground and hide it better. - keep your eyes open and vigilant in the future and if you catch her with her hand in the cookie jar then do what you gotta do then.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Old shirt - His guideline for himself is IF she did physically cheat - he would divorce...yet you are suggesting to quit looking for what is her truth. How can he know if he stops looking? He has every right to search for what is real and what isn't real - at least until his mind is at rest about what she did do or didn't do. Cheaters lie - he really wants to know if she was finally honest with him. I think he needs that evidence and info to make his informed decision about staying or leaving.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I don't dig the fact that you know she was trying to hook several prospects - not just one. She was VERY purposeful. Intent is everything.
Oberfeldwebel Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 f100, I can't tell you if she is cheating, but trusting your gut is always a good course of action. However, if she has given you access to all media and devices, with no further actions, then that is a good thing. Congrats on the sobriety, that is a tough thing to do, but only good things can come from this. I want to ask if you did counseling for the relationship, but get the feeling the answer is no. Assuming that is true, I recommend that you start immediately. Counseling allows you to vent the anger and talk through the issues to help you cipher what is real and what is perceived problems. Also when you just sweep the problems under the rug, instead of going through marriage counseling, the WS rarely understands the true extent of the damage they have done to you. This leaves them open to repeat performances in the future, regardless of what they promise now. I also want to ask about the level of intimacy over the past year?
harrybrown Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Have you asked her to take a polygraph about whether or not she had a PA? If she did not, she may want to take it to show you that she never had the PA. Does she know how this hurt you? I do not put much stock in them, just the parking lot confessions about how far it went. So she has a chance to write you a timeline about the affairs and her last chance to tell you all the truth. because if she is caught during the poly, it is all over.
Author 68_f100 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I'm to the point of asking for a polygraph or a divorce. No matter how much I try to get past the unanswered questions I can't and faking it isn't going to last much longer. I'm to the point of a polygraph or divorce. I only have one question I want her to answer. Did she have any type of sexual contact with anyone while we were married. If the answer is yes then I don't feel like she deserves this family. As far as intimacy is concerned. It was good for a while but here lately she says she has zero sex drive. Wants to get it over with more than enjoying it and gets mad if I ask her about it. Maybe that's the root of these feelings coming back. I know she is going to try and call my bluff if I offer up the polygraph or divorce. I honestly think she would take divorce over confessing. That's not the type of feelings I should have for her. She won't go to MC as she thinks it's a waste of time and cost to much. Doesn't look good does it.
Jonah Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 That being said. I had developed a drinking problem that I recently kicked. Recently so you say... I think there is a guideline on not doing anything or even thinking about anything for quite a while. Some of this texting was "at a bar" and the "hanging out"... the partying lifestyle is all about screwing ain't it? Now since you've left the alcohol behind, so many of your problems may be left behind as well. Best leave all these ghosts behind as well and just focus on living sober. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 The sooner you set up a polygraph test the better. If she gives you a hard time about it then you know that she's hiding something and your choice is either the test or we get lawyers and let her know that those are the choices and she picks one or the other.
jm2013 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I'm to the point of asking for a polygraph or a divorce. No matter how much I try to get past the unanswered questions I can't and faking it isn't going to last much longer. I'm to the point of a polygraph or divorce. I only have one question I want her to answer. Did she have any type of sexual contact with anyone while we were married. If the answer is yes then I don't feel like she deserves this family. As far as intimacy is concerned. It was good for a while but here lately she says she has zero sex drive. Wants to get it over with more than enjoying it and gets mad if I ask her about it. Maybe that's the root of these feelings coming back. I know she is going to try and call my bluff if I offer up the polygraph or divorce. I honestly think she would take divorce over confessing. That's not the type of feelings I should have for her. She won't go to MC as she thinks it's a waste of time and cost to much. Doesn't look good does it. Sorry man, but you've got red flags all over the place. At least you're trusting your gut on this and not just going to sit idly by and let it continue. I agree, you should bring up a polygraph. She'll probably try and call your bluff. And if she did get the papers delivered to her I think that would bring her world crashing down. There's a big difference when somebody thinks they're in control of something then gets blind sided to something they cannot control. I think you need to be persistent about getting the truth so you can find resolve and figure out what you want to do.
happyman64 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 68f100 If the answer is yes then I don't feel like she deserves this family. I question whether you deserved your family as well with the behavior you described of yourself during that troubling time in your marriage. Two wrongs do not make anything right. You will not forgive your wife if she physically cheated on you. And just maybe your wife will no longer love you because of the anger built up against you for all the hurts you have cause. Serious dysfunction here my friend. You need to be a leader. You do not ask her to go to MC you take her. If she says no then you state the consequences. It is great if you have fixed your issues. That is awesome. But you cannot fix your wifes issues. Nor should you ignore them. You both need to communicate better and in an honest fashion. Maybe she just wants out of the marriage. Have you asked her? HM
Author 68_f100 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 68f100 I question whether you deserved your family as well with the behavior you described of yourself during that troubling time in your marriage. Two wrongs do not make anything right. You will not forgive your wife if she physically cheated on you. And just maybe your wife will no longer love you because of the anger built up against you for all the hurts you have cause. Serious dysfunction here my friend. You need to be a leader. You do not ask her to go to MC you take her. If she says no then you state the consequences. It is great if you have fixed your issues. That is awesome. But you cannot fix your wifes issues. Nor should you ignore them. You both need to communicate better and in an honest fashion. Maybe she just wants out of the marriage. Have you asked her? HM I agree with you. At the time I didn't deserve this family. I have corrected my actions. I have owned up to my problems and worked hard to fix them. But I have always been honest and faithful. Maybe she can't forgive me for what I did and maybe she doesn't love me. I can accept that. She acts like she is happy to see me. We spend lots of time together talking and get along fine until something about our relationship comes up. Thats when things get ugly. Our most recent fight was about me trying to understand why she didn't seem to enjoy sex anymore. I honestly brought it up with good intentions. I just wanted to know what her feelings about it were. I wanted to find out if it were maybe something I was doing or if I could help her. It ended with her saying she has no sex drive. She feels like I am nagging her and i just need to f-ing man up and not ask her for sex. I have asked her if she wants out of this marriage and she always says she doesnt. I have offered to leave and let her have everything. I have told her that if she would like to explore life with someone else then she should be upfront about it and go be with someone she is happy with. She always says she is happy with me. I have also told her we could get through any problem as long as she didn't cheat. I know if I try to force her into anything it's going to blow up. I know that she would take divorce over getting caught. She will never admit to cheating and would never take a polygraph.
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