Thewayitwas2 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I created a new account since my friend and I were sharing one. Need opinions. Met a nice guy who has been divorced. He was divorced years ago but then reunited with his ex last year. They have one child. They are no longer together (she has bf too) but he still stays at her house to watch child and even sleeps in her bed. They also continue to work at same business. I told him last night thT it bothered me and he said that it shouldn't. That there is nothing there. That he would get high everyday w pot just to escape her insanity when he was with her. That he just cares about his son. Anyway, I also learned that he's on meds did bipolar. He told me about it and said he also took ambien this week to try and sleep (at her house) and that he had felt depressed all week possibly from it. Meanwhile he told me throughout the week that he was on cloud nine about ME. That he could see marrying me and that he has never felt such a wonderful connection. I really like this guy but I am scared. Just seems like a lot... Am I being ridiculous for continuing to see him?
stateofgrace Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 This whole thing seems weird. I would stay away if I were you. Anyone who is that involved with an ex-wife (sleeping in her bed?? wth??) that's dangerous territory. Especially since they have a child, she's not going anywhere, unfortunately. I obviously don't know the whole situation, but from what I read, it looks like the only person who can get hurt here is you. I would walk away before you invest any more time into him. Quit while you're ahead. 2
jeanne_girl Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sounds like he's not telling the whole truth... or he's in a really, really twisted relationship with his ex. As stateofgrace said, you shuld walk away before it's too late. It doesn't sound like a situation you should be getting into.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Yeah I meant he slept in her bed while she is out of town. He lives about 15 miles from her so he will go to her house and stay there the night before... One of her trips. He will sleep in guest bed and then go to her bed (their old bed) when she is gone. When I brought this up in general to him he said that there was nothing to be worried about. That he just goes there for their son. I also started disclosing some of my own childhood past to him and sharing ... And he was largely unsympathetic. When I told him how my father died recently in a sudden car crash... He just said that he is still with me in spirit. That we are all like the song "immortal" in spirit.. Basically saying that it is the past for a reason and I shouldn't talk about it. I told him that I wasn't telling this to him for any other reason than for him to get to know me and where I came from. He said he was honored that I did... But that I should stop with the positive quotes and success videos and just go live. To a degree I agree with him .., but I felt sad.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I am not going to knock him for wanting to be more involved in his son's life. Any parent with half a mind and a heart would and should move mountains to be there for their children especially if the family is broken apart. What I have great issue is with his confession that he's still staying with his ex AND sleeps in the same bed with her!?!?!?! I'm sorry but that is kind of f*cked up if you ask me even if there isn't any hanky panky going on. The other red flag is his mental health issues. I'm not saying that men or women with mental issues aren't capable of being in relationships or deserve to be, but taking on a partner with any kind of addiction or mental disorder is infinitely more challenging and strife with countless obstacles and hardships. What often happens in these kinds of relationships is the partner with the disease often dictates the relationship whether they realize it or not. You BOTH become slaves to the addiction and to issues that trigger it. Unless the partner is part of some support group or seeing a doctor regularly to monitor their situation, life together will be very difficult. Is this the life you want? Reading your OP again, my gut tells me that he may be sincere in how he feels about and that his heart may be in the right place regarding his son but how he's choosing to handle it isn't necessarily the best way. You can't move on until you move out! If he's serious about you and wants a future with you, I don't think it's out of line to tell him that you're uncomfortable with him living and sleeping with his ex. There IS a compromise if you look hard enough. If he's unwilling to consider it than I think that says it all. Good luck.
jeanne_girl Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Yeah I meant he slept in her bed while she is out of town. He lives about 15 miles from her so he will go to her house and stay there the night before... One of her trips. He will sleep in guest bed and then go to her bed (their old bed) when she is gone. When I brought this up in general to him he said that there was nothing to be worried about. That he just goes there for their son. This may be true, I'm not arguing that. It just seems that it's rubbing you the wrong way. If you don't feel comfortable about the situation and he's not willing to change it (I understand if he feels it's the best for his son), then you should think if you will ever be comfortable with it. That's the main issue. Do you feel OK with it? Will you ever? I also started disclosing some of my own childhood past to him and sharing ... And he was largely unsympathetic. When I told him how my father died recently in a sudden car crash... He just said that he is still with me in spirit. That we are all like the song "immortal" in spirit.. Basically saying that it is the past for a reason and I shouldn't talk about it. I told him that I wasn't telling this to him for any other reason than for him to get to know me and where I came from. He said he was honored that I did... But that I should stop with the positive quotes and success videos and just go live. To a degree I agree with him .., but I felt sad. Maybe that's his way of "comforting" you. It may not be the best way, but... is it there any good way of comforting someone?
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks for the insight. Yes he does live separately from her and when he stays at her house he does sleep in a separate bed. But when he's there he doesn't really talk to me via text or phone. Just seems weird. But maybe he would change? I am not going to knock him for wanting to be more involved in his son's life. Any parent with half a mind and a heart would and should move mountains to be there for their children especially if the family is broken apart. What I have great issue is with his confession that he's still staying with his ex AND sleeps in the same bed with her!?!?!?! I'm sorry but that is kind of f*cked up if you ask me even if there isn't any hanky panky going on. The other red flag is his mental health issues. I'm not saying that men or women with mental issues aren't capable of being in relationships or deserve to be, but taking on a partner with any kind of addiction or mental disorder is infinitely more challenging and strife with countless obstacles and hardships. What often happens in these kinds of relationships is the partner with the disease often dictates the relationship whether they realize it or not. You BOTH become slaves to the addiction and to issues that trigger it. Unless the partner is part of some support group or seeing a doctor regularly to monitor their situation, life together will be very difficult. Is this the life you want? Reading your OP again, my gut tells me that he may be sincere in how he feels about and that his heart may be in the right place regarding his son but how he's choosing to handle it isn't necessarily the best way. You can't move on until you move out! If he's serious about you and wants a future with you, I don't think it's out of line to tell him that you're uncomfortable with him living and sleeping with his ex. There IS a compromise if you look hard enough. If he's unwilling to consider it than I think that says it all. Good luck.
Charlie Harper Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I guess there is way too much justification to be with his child. Getting back home with his psycho Ex? Getting high? using meds for sleep or other issues... Just think about it and see if its worth it, worth the risk and also the signs... for me it would be a deal breaker.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks for the insight. Yes he does live separately from her and when he stays at her house he does sleep in a separate bed. But when he's there he doesn't really talk to me via text or phone. Just seems weird. But maybe he would change? Sweetie, you can't be with someone and hope they'll change. It doesn't work that way. And if you continue to think that being with YOU or that your love will somehow change him in some way, you will be in for a world of hurt. Please trust me on this. I know it's difficult to let go of someone you care for regardless of the baggage they carry. I personally don't think he's ready for what it really takes to make a relationship work never mind a healthy one. 2
mangetout Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I also started disclosing some of my own childhood past to him and sharing ... And he was largely unsympathetic. When I told him how my father died recently in a sudden car crash... He just said that he is still with me in spirit. That we are all like the song "immortal" in spirit.. Basically saying that it is the past for a reason and I shouldn't talk about it. I told him that I wasn't telling this to him for any other reason than for him to get to know me and where I came from. He said he was honored that I did... But that I should stop with the positive quotes and success videos and just go live. To a degree I agree with him .., but I felt sad. That's a red flag for me. You opened up and rather than showing you compassion, he cuts you short by sayings its the past so shut up. Maybe that kind of talk is too much for him, hence all the drugs he takes to cope with general living. Whatever the reason, that's sign of the future. he wont be listening to you when you have problems. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
stateofgrace Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks for the insight. Yes he does live separately from her and when he stays at her house he does sleep in a separate bed. But when he's there he doesn't really talk to me via text or phone. Just seems weird. But maybe he would change? You can't wait around for someone to change. This is his life. Unfortunately, chances are, that he's not going to change how he is with his son and mother of his child for a woman he's dating. As ideal as that would be, I don't think it's realistic. We can't expect someone to change into the person we want them to be. It's not fair to expect that. I'm still sticking to the fact that you should get out before things get too serious. It'll hurt less leaving now than it would later when you have stronger feelings and you end up getting hurt. Just my opinion. 1
Phantom888 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Are you kidding? There are 3 deal-breaker, and you only need 1 to end this. 1) Baggage with ex-wife 2) Pot-head 3) Bi-polar crazy What do you see in him? Are there no single men in your part of the country? 3
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 It is just hard because while it appears that those are significant issues ... They could change. 1) he says that he would put me first when it comes to her ... That may turn out okay? 2) he says he doesn't smoke pot anymore. But that he did when he was with her because he couldn't take the pressure. (She's a successful biz person as his he) they had a 30k monthly overhead. She had lots of investment properties. But it does show how he copes w stress. (Not good) 3) the bipolar is being treated. He is on medication. But who is to say that it will last or that he wouldn't be worse? Telling me that he had tried to commit suicide and had planned his death countless times.... That is very unsettling even if he is better now.
harrybrown Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 run, run far and run fast. You can't control others and you can't change him.
jeanne_girl Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 2) he says he doesn't smoke pot anymore. But that he did when he was with her because he couldn't take the pressure. (She's a successful biz person as his he) they had a 30k monthly overhead. She had lots of investment properties. But it does show how he copes w stress. (Not good) If that's how he deals with pressure, then that's how he deals with it. It means that he will do it again whenever he feels pressured (work, ex-wife, you, etc.) Which is kind of linked to his bipolar disorder and depression. It is just hard because while it appears that those are significant issues ... They could change. It seems to me that you want us to tell you it's OK. In my opinion, it's not if you are not comfortable with the situation.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Yeah we had that chat last night about how I was feeling uncomfortable about him and his ex. And just now I learned that he came to her house this afternoon to be with his son (and her) while he worked from their house. He just asked to meet me for a bite to eat and I'm so depressed. I appreciate that he is close with his son but I just seems excessive. He said he had to help her get an AC repair person to her house too.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 So last night he also had a work event with his ex. And he was posting pics of her on FB. They weren't together in the photos but they were tagged. He was texting me during the event. Saying he hates being away from me etc etc. Am I just too jealous? They do work together... But still. Would most people have a problem with this kind of scenario? I get hurt too easily.
Phantom888 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 So last night he also had a work event with his ex. And he was posting pics of her on FB. They weren't together in the photos but they were tagged. He was texting me during the event. Saying he hates being away from me etc etc. Am I just too jealous? They do work together... But still. Would most people have a problem with this kind of scenario? I get hurt too easily. This is not acceptable. He should consider your feelings more. Whether or not that is anything going on between them, it's inappropriate for exs to be so close. This is bad. Let him go and move on. This will hurt more as time goes by.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 He will just say it is business. This is KILLiNG me because I like him SO much. We were supposed to get together this weekend for a romantic weekend. I'm scared to end it now but I'm also scared to continue knowing that I would prob get very intimate w him this weekend. Is it worth telling him that he hurt me w that and setting down ground rules? Although I know I write this as he is heading to his Ex's house to hang w his son. But she will be there whole time again. Although he sent me a pic of his house and on the counter was a pic of him ... His ex..and his son.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I see deal breaker there too. But his explanation was he stayed there the night before so he could take the child to school in the am. But he only lives 10 miles away. It isn't like it would be an hour away... So how would you end this? I need help. I like him So much. It will literally kill me to end this.
Keenly Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I see deal breaker there too. But his explanation was he stayed there the night before so he could take the child to school in the am. But he only lives 10 miles away. It isn't like it would be an hour away... So how would you end this? I need help. I like him So much. It will literally kill me to end this. It would not literally kill you to end this. You have to be strong and not be manipulated by your own emotions. 10 miles away.... seriously....... come on. Don't let the stupidity of your heart override the intelligence of your mind. You know this is ridiculous. You can find a better quality of man. One that has an open heart and isn't still attached to his ex. They sleep in the SAME DAMN BED for gods sake. You deserve better.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Well... No. They don't sleep in same bed together. He sleeps in different room except when she's out of town. Then he sleeps in her bed. So yah ... That part is true. We have been essentially attached at the hip for the past 3 weeks. So I truly feel confused over what to say and how to end this. I got divorced about 8 months ago and this is the first guy I've really fallen for and saw huge possibilities with. I mean he has even talked about being w me long term and what our house would be like. We are in deep.
Keenly Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 If they don't sleep in the same bed.... why did you say he sleeps in her bed.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 He sleeps in her bed when she leaves town and he lives in her house (while she is traveling on biz). Also, is it normal for a guy to have pics on FB with your ex? I know some were from the past but they say "I love you baby" in the comments. Wouldn't you quietly take those down?
Recommended Posts